Gonna Be Back Here More Often

So... I've left this blog for some time. After the last post...  Many things have happened that I'd rather not get into. Let's just say I'm never on the winning end and keep it at that. I still never am.

Didn't sleep last night. Too busy reading manga. Too busy trying to increase the time of the night. Too busy trying to stretch the time I get to be alone, with myself, with no one conscious around me to be wary of.

People apparently constantly seek to improve themselves. That's apparently the norm. I don't understand it. Because my norm is... Is that I'm just a complete and utter failure of a human being. I can't provide for my family. Can't get a decent job. Too afraid. Too afraid I'll fuck it all up.

But... When I'm in rehearsals, in acting workshops, in... In shows, I just get so fired up. So excited. So... Eager to push myself to go further. To dig deeper. To be better than I ever was before. Heck my pre show prep includes praying, asking God to take me beyond the standards that I've reached. Always seeking to improve. Always seeking to be better. 

Why can't I do that for normal life...? 

I'm just a huge burden to my mother.

And one of the main reasons why I haven't just offed myself... Is because I can imagine, and feel the amount of sadness, grief, and guilt she'll be overcome by.

Not that being a living proof that she hasn't raised a good, working and earnestly living child is any help towards that.

And you know what? Every day, I wake up to these thoughts. Every day, I open my eyes, thinking, "great, another day being a useless disappointment."

I want things to get better. I want things to improve. I want to earn a salary, have some savings, take my mom and sister to wonderful places and just enjoy being alive.

But the moment I think of these things, I start crying. Even now I've started. Cuz I know that I'm so useless, that I can't. And at the rate I'm going, I'll never be able to.

Useless.

A pointless existence.

Well on a side note, I've found out I'm actually pretty good at cooking. It's thanks to being a Jack of all Trades for sure, but hell, it's nice knowing there's something I don't completely suck at. Besides performing. Even that... I don't know, I'm starting to have my doubts. At least my taste buds and stomach won't lie.

...

God... 

I don't know.

Fighting the Good Fight

If you don't crown him, pick him up and value him, who else will?
Build your man up because there are hidden battles he fights.
Don't become another fight he has to try to win.

But I've fought. I've always fought.
Always fought to try to win.
I fought hard. For years.
And.. I had been insistent that it wouldn't matter if I lost.

I was naive.

I'm still fighting. Though the chance of victory is as vague, if not more, than the first battle.


Anyway, I'm feeling better. So I'm abandoning this post. :P

Thanks Je T'aime. :)

When The Time Has Passed

2015 was a year filled with the best days of my life, and the worst.

I can only wish that time had stood still that night in the Hilton Hotel for the whole world but us.

Why am I afraid of moving forward? Because I'm afraid of making mistakes.

Why am I afraid of making mistakes? Because I don't want to feel the way I'm feeling now.

I've lost the only best friend I've ever had. The one person I could tell everything to and not be afraid of being judged, told off, or scolded, but instead to continue to be loved, accepted, and even prayed for.

Perhaps it was partially my fault too. If we had not done anything between us, perhaps God would have let us have our eternity together.

But it's not to be.

Well. The milk has been spilt. I will still cry over it, but I will do my best to move on. After all, my only wish in life is for my loved ones to be happy, and cared for. I would love to perform, but if I can't while securing a better life for my family and friends, then I guess I can't. It'll kill me, but better to be dead than to have your loved ones suffer.

I pray He'll be your eyes
And watch you, where you go
And help you to be wise
In times when you don't know.

This will be my prayer
When you lose your way
He'll lead you to a place
He'll guide you with His grace
He'll give you faith so you'll be saved.

Look after her, God.

Please.
Goodnight.

Broken

I can't stop thinking about her

Her life may be very closely integrated with his.
But my thoughts are closely integrated with her...
And I am sure, hers to me.

I can't. I can't stop. I've tried, believe me I have tried.

The only time I stop thinking about her is when I'm gaming.
Or reading. Basically my hyper focus moments. But I hardly ever do read anymore.

I can't go on like this. I don't know how to stop. I can't stop caring. can't stop loving. Can't stop thinking about her. Every damned thing I do reminds me of her. Every damned thing.

My prayers... are all for her, and about her.

I want to stop hurting. I want to stop the pain. It hurts so much. Every time something reminds me that I can never have her, the downward spiral of my thought process begins and in a few seconds, I feel tears welling and that hole in my chest reappearing, reminding me that it's never left, merely forgotten for a while.

But I don't want to stop caring. I love her, damnit. And she isn't in a place that's bettor off for her. She's in a place that's much worse and she's wholly unhappy, tired, stressed, and unrested. No sleep at night. No relief in the waking moments. No nothing.

Why God!? Why did You have to let this happen!? You have infinite knowledge and the power to change the cosmos. Why couldn't You just make her learn what she had to and left her with me!?

If she were to move on to greener pastures, then I would let her go. If she's better and happier, then I would release her.

But she's not! She's worse off! She trusts no one now! What life is that? Nobody understands her, and the only one who does is fated to forever only witness her regression, decay, and demise.

I want to die.

It hurts. So bad.

I want to die.

Die to my emotions and desires. Die to who I am. I'm content with living my life as a robot. Doing God's will. Whatever. I don't care what He wants me to do, I'll just do it. So long as I'm void of emotions and will.

I can't take it.

I want

To die.


How can I ever love another?

It seems, at this moment, that I would be shortchanging this other woman if I ever do find another. My heart is so closely knit to her, I can't even see a future without her.

I can't even start to think of life cutting her off of mine entirely. I can't. I refuse to. I've tried, but my mind refuses. My heart refuses. My spirit doesn't seem willing either. Don't even talk about the flesh.

Thinking that she may give her body to him, perhaps in some distant future, disgusts me. I feel reviled by it. The image that comes into my head makes me want to vomit.

I'm broken. Beyond the repair of humans and time.

I

Want

To

Die.



God.
What use am I?

So Many, Too Little

So many words to say
Too little time to say them
Only one person to tell
But rarely the time to tell them

How long will I yearn?
Most likely for forever
The curses that you've known
Are the blessings you'll receive never

My mind was undone
My spirit lay down for dead
My faltering heart wavered
But the feeling would not be fed

Something dragged me out
Trudged me back home to my room
Forced my bath upon me
Pull me away from thoughts of doom

 I sit here awake
Tired and alone as always and always
Wishing that she would have stayed awake
The same whom for another, she would go out of her ways

But no. I must suffer
I must be the sacrifice
To bring her her happiness
For her, make good and nice

I fret on the things of the future
I fret on the things of the morrow
Jealous of the years they've been together
Though there's little more than drops of sorrow

But I will stay strong. Till sanity falters
I will be brave, courageous and resolute.
As long as I'm sane, her heart shall I guard
Till the day I lose control, or my heart she does refute.

Thus fights on, the knight of armour
Rusted beyond worth or compare
The princess he loves; he may never have her
And the slashes he receives, too painful to bear.

The Listener's Ear

The Listener's Ear

The Listener's Ear, God's amazing gift

to ones who's lost, confounded, in fear

compared to the other how great is the rift

when one cries to the Listener's Ear

How secrets untold unleash their bodies

in sadness or grief, or the lack of good cheer

to many untold their great burdened stories

but burst forth in full to the Listener's Ear

From skies to heavens, mountains to seas

from east to west, e'en the front to the rear

in confidence and trust, hearts give up their keys

to the locks of their depths, to the Listener's Ear

Feelings pour out in torrents of rain

crashes of waves and thunders to hear

upholding the shelter and sharing one's pain

none more such other than the Listener's Ear

With much of storms passed, the waters do cease

clouds do still loom seeming much all too near

yet the winds do change and the gloom's but a tease

with smiles and embraces from the Listener's Ear

The Listener's Ear, hears one, hears all

for all needs one such whom won't run nor jeer

but when all is done and one's moved passed their wall

who will stay awhile and listen to the Listener?

Caring so much it hurts

...I still love her.

I really do.

No matter how I try to see it another way, no matter what I do...

I can only think about her.


And she's planning to get married in a year.

To a guy who absolutely does not even attempt to cater for her emotional self.
Whom she has neglected, ignored, and caged for as long as she's known.

He's unromantic, he's business minded.

When she was having a high fever and she asked him to take her to the hospital, he told her to just go herself cuz he's busy.

Spends half the time delegating important decisions to her even though he's a partner in a business they both run together.

Doesn't show up for important occasions such as concerts and such to support her, EVEN THOUGH AN OFFICIAL INVITATION WAS GIVEN.

Dafuq, man. Dafuq.


I gotta stop.

Even a few seconds of thinking on this and I start crying.

Cuz it hurts to know the woman I love is throwing herself into a pit of an unemotional relationship and life.

What is life without emotions?

What is life without love?

...What is life... without...