seriously. f this shit. i don't know why i'm even taking it.

i've been struggling. i've been fighting. where's this going.

does it matter. does it matter at all. what's life. what's the point. what's the meaning of it all.

i hate it. when home becomes more oppressive than it ever was, where do you go.

it was the only place i ever knew.

i don't belong anymore.

deadened by silence.

stoned.

gone.

over.

this blog shall document my climb back up to normalcy. no, scratch that - beyond normalcy to empowered.

it's been too long struggling. not that it wasn't worth it. the memories are beautiful. (: the laughter was amazing, the smiles we exchanged. hearing your heartbeat. feeling your veins on your arm. we had great times. but i guess its time. its time to move forward. i can't be stuck in these forever.

i need to drag myself out of my dark bottomless pit. because all these negative thoughts are just making things so much more worse. i need to believe. i need to trust. i need to see beyond the hurts and the disappointment i'm holding onto.

janice, look at yourself now. look around you.

look at the people around you. look at how much they love you and support you. see how many people  hold you so dear to their hearts. these are the ones you turn back to. these are the people who you can trust to save you.

pastor henry and aunty carol met me this morning on a last minute notice. they told me that God had amazing plans for me - he was going to use me greatly. i had great capacity, God created me that way. he created you to make a difference, janice. remember walking home from jalan toa payoh and along the way, you sang with all your heart.

'i want to run to the altar, and catch the fire, to stand in the gap between the living and the dead. give us a heart of compassion for a world without vision. we will make a difference bringing hope to the lost.'

this was the cry of your heart, janice. and you believed God would use you greatly. if he was willing, you trusted that he would.

you're at the crossroads of life. God is testing you to make sure you build faith and trust in God. he needs to see what your heart is aligned to. its just a trial.

he has told you that he chose you janice. he chose you to deliver this message to those who are hurting, to those going through tough relationships, to those who need someone to come alongside them and say, 'I've been there. I understand". this is his calling for you, this is what he desires for you.

no matter what, trust that all things work for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

be heartened that God wants to use you to do great things. (:

you're strong girl. you've done this before, you can do it again. just by trusting that God's near, and God's here.

dear Father,

I believe in you. i love you and i know that you love me more. i trust you to bring me through this. i trust you to give me the peace in my heart and the strength to carry on.

tomorrow will be trying. but let's get through okay janice? if you ever feel like you cannot take it, you know God will be here to help you through it.

we'll be okay. we'll survive.

you're special, janice. God wants to use you. don't give up!!

If you ever leave me baby, leave some morphine at my door. Cause it would take a whole lot of medication to realize that what we used to have we don't have it anymore.

Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you baby, there'll be no clear skies if I lose you baby. And just like the clouds my eyes will do the same. If you walk away, everyday it will rain, rain, rain.

what happened?

everything just happened so fast. i don't even know how to slow it down.

this period has been trying to say the least, for everyone who cares about smux. it's been very difficult. it was so upsetting seeing jiaqi and sylvia being so upset and so disappointed about the entire elections. and i get it. they've been working so hard all these while, hoping to see some results. they've been putting in so much effort and it just doesn't show.

it's crazy. never would i have thought that it was amount to this. when i first heard about it, about the kayaking team running i was super happy.

oh nevermind, realized i have no more time. that's it.

this morning i thought about it. i think i know what i want. (:

i'll be alright, somehow. we'll all be.

It's about time they knew.

so mad at myself sometimes.

when will i start keeping the promises i've made to myself.

you're right i guess. at what cost is all this coming at?

damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnit.

i hate how this is affecting me so much and i hate how i can't stop.

maybe i should start by taking baby steps. maybe its time to stop escaping. i have no idea what's happening. it'll be okay luh, i know it will be somehow. i need my buddy nowwwww. ): meow.

somehowwwwwwwwwwww, i know it won't work out. maybe i shouldn't even take the risk to try it anymore.

No it just doesn't work that way for you right, I can feel it in my bones.

It would never work out, and I think about what you said before and waves upon waves of emotions just flood my mind. Gosh, like a tsunami seriously.

I cannot bear to do that to you. I cannot even. Sigh. I cannot believe the extent of impact you have over me. Oh dear oh dear. :/

This is what happens when two over-Feeling individuals come together. I really can't imagine ending this well, no it won't end the way I was able to resolve it with Sam.

Giving up without releasing that tidal wave of upsetness you feel doesn't seem like something you would do. Not that I expect you to. But imagine the devastation a tsunami does.

#ggseriously #notthatididnttry

there are just these points in life when you finally let yourself slow down, and you feel yourself giving up the momentum that you've been driving yourself with. and during these times, you start to realize how much of yourself you've left behind.

it's like a cyclist zooming through life, too busy to see. and the wind blowing too loudly in his ear, to hear anything anyone has to say. all he knows is momentum, all he cares about is the thrill he gets, all he knows is that he's not falling and that's good enough.

damnit, where am i going on this whirlwind high. i'm losing myself but right now i'm not too sure if that's a bad thing or not.

when will i attempt to return again?

sometimes its really as if i hear you in the wind, i hear you in Colin's voice, i hear you asking me to return back to you.

why subject myself to such earthly type of emotional rollercoasters? i should be investing my emotions and time into an everlasting, never-fading sort of trust and faith in God's goodness.

my high is so high that i shudder to think of it, but yet the lows are just these insignificant lulls in my life. is it really worth it?

i'm trying but i don't understand it. it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

and this gnawing frustration i feel at eugene, i have no idea why or how it came out. but right now, i'm just glad that nitebike is ending. i feel like it's been draining me so much i can't function. but then again i can't put the blame on nitebike. it's just me luh, i've been pushing myself too hard. for what? i have no idea. i want to do my best, i want to do all i can, i'm trying. i really am. ): what do you want from me. why do you keep pushing me even more.

and the decisions i've been making. sigh, i'm really sorry i disappointed you buddy. i really wish i could say it wasn't true as well. i said it from the very start, i couldn't let it happen. but yet it did. and i'm sorry i didn't realize, i didn't know. you didn't tell me, you just kept praying and hoping that i would come around to it somehow. thank you for being such a good buddy anyway, still supporting me in all i do, being so understanding and so honest about everything.

sian. i don't know what i'm doing. maybe i should just forget about it. what's the point of this. what's the point of running away from the promise land just to see if it is really good.

i'm so tired. ):

If you knew. What would you do?

I don't know how on earth you did it. No idea.

I've tried playing it cool. But when I'm looking at you, I can never be brave cause you make my heart race.

I'm not sure about you but I sure as hell didn't expect it to go this far or this deep. ._.

Sam believes I'm lost and confused. I think I am as well.

But it doesn't feel so bad actually. Just wondering how my mindset switched so fast. :/

The strongest irony.

Posted about moving on a while ago, apparently it didn't go through. Some posting error, post got delayed. Oh well, so this post will probably come first.

I don't really know how to describe the past few days.

16th, made someone smile. EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY (omg this feels lame when I do it in a text msg. ): ) [:) srsly... :)]

17th, imma SIGHDUCK.

19th, got sam to morning call me to wake up early. finals!!! (: just to wish. heheh, sometimes it just gets way too obvious. noobcakephone. :P ._. just saying ah, but i got the entire message. ^^ (heheh) aikidoed the lizardman which i was paintball-gunning before in my dreams. (:

20th, msgspmmge.

21st, movie tdkr. heheheh. 'sometimes ah...' heheheh. walkedhome, awkward hug ftw.

22nd, crash and die.

23rd, wakeupcall, made pretty breakfast for parents. started the album I'll do all it takes to convince you;. RIDESAFEPLS, DRIVESAFEPLS. manpowerbrief? justwondering.

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(LOL)

25th, MBS high. work overload. j8 macs, chiongggggg. walked home. belt loan, LOL. 34. cause text msg got no stalker fnction unlike FB msg. LOL. smiling like idiots at our phones. can reach home anot!!

26th, lift. OMG YOU FEEL LIKE A BEVERAGE?! packlights, mikaela. <3 lasttrained, Bishan? :) uppthom, PIZZAMURTABAK. milospam.

27th, smuxcamp. usports stressssssssssss. pat pat. ): ruffle. byebye.

28th, emoz. on rainy days. fiction. tried to poke again, failed. be a little less stubborn and a little more take care of yourself. a lot less worrying, a little more endearing. YUP YESSIR. (: mission accomplished. (:

29th, sayonara.

._. really, how do you even expect me to even... forget anyone. seriously. it can't just be one-sided. really. and that's where we're messed it i guess. we both believe it can't be. doesn't help that i know i can't. thinking of rebelling. have been running away. skipping all forms of cf and ccc, church, sundaysch.

wanted to use the next 22 days to move on. but hmm, can't bear to. fiction was really lastwarning. on the bus somemore. ): we'll sort it out when you get back. you promised. so be back safe.