Its 4.45am, I felt like I was going insane. I need an outlet, I need someone to talk to.
I rejected a job offer. Good pay, good prospects but it was slightly far with early reporting times. That's been my only job offer so far.
No one is replying my job applications, it is already a huge blow to my self confidence. I feel like I can't apply for sales jobs because my face is riddled with pimples. I can't apply for IT jobs because I'm not skilled enough, nor confident enough in my ability.
I want to upgrade my skills through IT courses, but my mother, who is holding the money in the family, says its ridiculous for me to study because i should have done so during my poly days.
My second brother, who sucked up all my family's money (and is still taking more), doesn't give a damn about my family and its monetary straits, and even dares to demand money from my mother so he can buy gifts for his friends.
I cannot ask my father for help, because he's paying for my brother's monetary vacuum. He's so stressed and tired but he can't sleep due to my mother's insanity.
My self confidence is almost at a zero already. What can I do? What should I do? I failed already. I failed to predict this would happen. My preperations went awry.
I know life has Ups and downs. This must be one of the lowest points in my life. My chest scar hurts and is swelling, my face is riddled with pimples and I'm unemployed and not allowed to study.
And the final salt to the wound is, 12 drivers out of 16 have been given their dates to collect their driving license. I am one of the unlucky 4 still kept in the dark. Really, really down and out sigh.
Friday, 11 May 2012
11/5/2012, 12.20am..
The song sort of fits what I'm feeling right now.
Yes, I should have done what was right. I should have struck the problem where it was and made a stand. I could have protected someone from even experiencing this... Sick and twisted joke. It was just a joke gone too far, and I will remember this event for life.
I am deeply affected by this event because:
1) I was a part of it,
2) I did nothing to stop it,
3) I might even have encouraged it,
4) The person affected by it had trust in me.
Damn.
The song sort of fits what I'm feeling right now.
Yes, I should have done what was right. I should have struck the problem where it was and made a stand. I could have protected someone from even experiencing this... Sick and twisted joke. It was just a joke gone too far, and I will remember this event for life.
I am deeply affected by this event because:
1) I was a part of it,
2) I did nothing to stop it,
3) I might even have encouraged it,
4) The person affected by it had trust in me.
Damn.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
In the beginning of March, my parents decided to discus money with me. About time too.
fast forward to now, the end of March. I feel my life is in turmoil. I always prided myself on having plans in every step or minor action in my life. But now? I'm frozen in indecision.
Troy was eventually invaded, even the largest and thickest of walls are either knocked down or circumvented.
People around me are applying for uni, but me? Still writhing in indecision as to what to study. IT? Psychology?
Each time someone asks me what I'm doing after I ORD, I get the feeling of dread first, before replying "um yeah work first then study". It then leads to "oh study what?"
That's where I break into full panic mode and reply "oh um psychology or IT yeah". That's where I get the most hated reply of people telling me to go IT. It's a thinly veiled slap to the face.
Its like saying i have zero people skills and should go face computers since they don't require communication skills.
Argh. I really hate being stuck in this position. I need to get my planning machine back into my head and carefully consider each and every step, every day, every second.
I need to be decisive again...
fast forward to now, the end of March. I feel my life is in turmoil. I always prided myself on having plans in every step or minor action in my life. But now? I'm frozen in indecision.
Troy was eventually invaded, even the largest and thickest of walls are either knocked down or circumvented.
People around me are applying for uni, but me? Still writhing in indecision as to what to study. IT? Psychology?
Each time someone asks me what I'm doing after I ORD, I get the feeling of dread first, before replying "um yeah work first then study". It then leads to "oh study what?"
That's where I break into full panic mode and reply "oh um psychology or IT yeah". That's where I get the most hated reply of people telling me to go IT. It's a thinly veiled slap to the face.
Its like saying i have zero people skills and should go face computers since they don't require communication skills.
Argh. I really hate being stuck in this position. I need to get my planning machine back into my head and carefully consider each and every step, every day, every second.
I need to be decisive again...
Saturday, 11 February 2012
February 11/2/2012, 1.42am...
I can't sleep! And I can only blame the Caramel Frappucino that I bought earlier! No it's not my fault it's the coffee blame it all on the coffee.
This is IU's song, Last Fantasy. Her whole album revolves around the fact that she's a young person about to enter her adulthood, and that this is her "last fantasy" before she enters the real world.
The song starts off with the sound of hope and a tinge of uncertainty, before waxing into it's fully fledged lyrics. It finally evolves into a trumpet fanfare and a glorious ending. This song evokes the feeling of hope, fears and uncertainty in me. Am I doing what's right? Am I going on a path of self destruction? Does the future look brilliant from a distance, but desolate and dystopian up close?
Right now, I feel like I have several roads in front of me. I have 4km (months) left to walk and decide which road I have to take.
My mother has her worries that my bad temper will stop me from being a good counsellor/psychologist next time. She might as well worry that my bad temper prevents me from doing anything good at all. But it does make me reflect again. I've been abusing my self perceived role as a "leader amongst the other drivers" and scolding people whenever I feel like it. I detested a fellow campmate for doing this, and in turn, I am sinking down to his level. This cannot continue. I must change.
Well I'm meeting my uncle to discuss with him my planning for my degree this Sunday.
I hate depending on people for advice or rather, I hate depending on people. But my mother insists on it, so I'll play along. It might turn out for the better after all; perhaps it'll light up the right path I should take.
2.03am...
29/2/2012, 12am.
Leap year! Once in every 4 years! And so this post shall be.
And again, I shall begin the post with a music video that describes what I want to post about.
This touching rings of a dream, but with it, comes bravery, hope, light in the darkness, belief that there will be a better day.
I was indecisive (yet again) about my decision to apply to Uni or not. Yes I knew I had to, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to cope with it.
I was reading through the first chapter of my psychology textbook, and yes it was enticing to continue reading, but I was just wholly doubtful that I'd be able to submit a white paper upon 3 weeks of entering the course.
So naturally, I reconsidered my original option. Work first, study next year. True it'd put me back a few months behind my peers, but none of them were studying psychology anyway, so it wasn't a concern. It just meant that I'd be a few months (and probably a whole year too) behind them in terms of money and work experience.
Problems, as they usually do, were solved by themselves without my intervention, and so it was solved. In March.
I can't sleep! And I can only blame the Caramel Frappucino that I bought earlier! No it's not my fault it's the coffee blame it all on the coffee.
This is IU's song, Last Fantasy. Her whole album revolves around the fact that she's a young person about to enter her adulthood, and that this is her "last fantasy" before she enters the real world.
The song starts off with the sound of hope and a tinge of uncertainty, before waxing into it's fully fledged lyrics. It finally evolves into a trumpet fanfare and a glorious ending. This song evokes the feeling of hope, fears and uncertainty in me. Am I doing what's right? Am I going on a path of self destruction? Does the future look brilliant from a distance, but desolate and dystopian up close?
Right now, I feel like I have several roads in front of me. I have 4km (months) left to walk and decide which road I have to take.
My mother has her worries that my bad temper will stop me from being a good counsellor/psychologist next time. She might as well worry that my bad temper prevents me from doing anything good at all. But it does make me reflect again. I've been abusing my self perceived role as a "leader amongst the other drivers" and scolding people whenever I feel like it. I detested a fellow campmate for doing this, and in turn, I am sinking down to his level. This cannot continue. I must change.
Well I'm meeting my uncle to discuss with him my planning for my degree this Sunday.
I hate depending on people for advice or rather, I hate depending on people. But my mother insists on it, so I'll play along. It might turn out for the better after all; perhaps it'll light up the right path I should take.
2.03am...
29/2/2012, 12am.
Leap year! Once in every 4 years! And so this post shall be.
And again, I shall begin the post with a music video that describes what I want to post about.
This touching rings of a dream, but with it, comes bravery, hope, light in the darkness, belief that there will be a better day.
I was indecisive (yet again) about my decision to apply to Uni or not. Yes I knew I had to, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to cope with it.
I was reading through the first chapter of my psychology textbook, and yes it was enticing to continue reading, but I was just wholly doubtful that I'd be able to submit a white paper upon 3 weeks of entering the course.
So naturally, I reconsidered my original option. Work first, study next year. True it'd put me back a few months behind my peers, but none of them were studying psychology anyway, so it wasn't a concern. It just meant that I'd be a few months (and probably a whole year too) behind them in terms of money and work experience.
Problems, as they usually do, were solved by themselves without my intervention, and so it was solved. In March.
Thursday, 26 January 2012
2012 Jan
Maybe I should try a monthly post now! Just like a monthly dumping of thoughts, feelings and random stuff into here.
Or maybe not :P
it's nearing ORD. I want to find a job now but it'll be too early. I want to get ahead of the pack, ensure my path is planned and set out without relying much on others.
Reliance! That's something I hate! I believe if i have to rely on anyone other than family (and even then i still hate the feeling), it means i haven't planned enough yet. Which means its a failure on my own part which i need to learn and recover.
I intend to get a job in a voluntary organization, or maybe MCYS, although the travelling will be insane. Still, i must do what i can to expose myself as harshly as possible to understand the toughness of life, before i can even proceed down this path of counselling and psychology. I have to feel the pain, go through it, in order to help people with true compassion and feeling.
It's like being a doctor in a sense. Do I treat the patient? Or do I care for the patient? Two different words, two vast differences. I intend to care for patients. Not "treat" them.
I know i am strong enough mentally and physically for this. I know i can. But the army has made me too pampered and sheltered. And i need to get out of it ASAP.
One thing I've noted. Why was my heart rejecting my uncle's advice? At that point of time, i felt embarassed; ashamed that i had chosen counselling as my choice of study. Why didn't i have the faith to stand up and fully explain why i made such a decision? I can only proceed into the future to look back into my past to understand i guess.
For now, I'll stick to a degree in psychology, or sociology/psychology. Then get a diploma in counselling. I believe I'm the right person to go this way, irregardless of my mother's doubt that "your temperament just isn't suited for this kind of job".
We'll see :P
Or maybe not :P
it's nearing ORD. I want to find a job now but it'll be too early. I want to get ahead of the pack, ensure my path is planned and set out without relying much on others.
Reliance! That's something I hate! I believe if i have to rely on anyone other than family (and even then i still hate the feeling), it means i haven't planned enough yet. Which means its a failure on my own part which i need to learn and recover.
I intend to get a job in a voluntary organization, or maybe MCYS, although the travelling will be insane. Still, i must do what i can to expose myself as harshly as possible to understand the toughness of life, before i can even proceed down this path of counselling and psychology. I have to feel the pain, go through it, in order to help people with true compassion and feeling.
It's like being a doctor in a sense. Do I treat the patient? Or do I care for the patient? Two different words, two vast differences. I intend to care for patients. Not "treat" them.
I know i am strong enough mentally and physically for this. I know i can. But the army has made me too pampered and sheltered. And i need to get out of it ASAP.
One thing I've noted. Why was my heart rejecting my uncle's advice? At that point of time, i felt embarassed; ashamed that i had chosen counselling as my choice of study. Why didn't i have the faith to stand up and fully explain why i made such a decision? I can only proceed into the future to look back into my past to understand i guess.
For now, I'll stick to a degree in psychology, or sociology/psychology. Then get a diploma in counselling. I believe I'm the right person to go this way, irregardless of my mother's doubt that "your temperament just isn't suited for this kind of job".
We'll see :P
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