Its 4.45am, I felt like I was going insane. I need an outlet, I need someone to talk to.

I rejected a job offer. Good pay, good prospects but it was slightly far with early reporting times. That's been my only job offer so far.

No one is replying my job applications, it is already a huge blow to my self confidence. I feel like I can't apply for sales jobs because my face is riddled with pimples. I can't apply for IT jobs because I'm not skilled enough, nor confident enough in my ability.

I want to upgrade my skills through IT courses, but my mother, who is holding the money in the family, says its ridiculous for me to study because i should have done so during my poly days.

My second brother, who sucked up all my family's money (and is still taking more), doesn't give a damn about my family and its monetary straits, and even dares to demand money from my mother so he can buy gifts for his friends.

I cannot ask my father for help, because he's paying for my brother's monetary vacuum. He's so stressed and tired but he can't sleep due to my mother's insanity.

My self confidence is almost at a zero already. What can I do? What should I do? I failed already. I failed to predict this would happen. My preperations went awry.

I know life has Ups and downs. This must be one of the lowest points in my life. My chest scar hurts and is swelling, my face is riddled with pimples and I'm unemployed and not allowed to study.

And the final salt to the wound is, 12 drivers out of 16 have been given their dates to collect their driving license. I am one of the unlucky 4 still kept in the dark. Really, really down and out sigh.

11/5/2012, 12.20am..



The song sort of fits what I'm feeling right now.

Yes, I should have done what was right. I should have struck the problem where it was and made a stand. I could have protected someone from even experiencing this... Sick and twisted joke. It was just a joke gone too far, and I will remember this event for life.


I am deeply affected by this event because:


1) I was a part of it,
2) I did nothing to stop it,
3) I might even have encouraged it,
4) The person affected by it had trust in me.


Damn.

In the beginning of March, my parents decided to discus money with me. About time too.

fast forward to now, the end of March. I feel my life is in turmoil. I always prided myself on having plans in every step or minor action in my life. But now? I'm frozen in indecision.

Troy was eventually invaded, even the largest and thickest of walls are either knocked down or circumvented.

People around me are applying for uni, but me? Still writhing in indecision as to what to study. IT? Psychology?

Each time someone asks me what I'm doing after I ORD, I get the feeling of dread first, before replying "um yeah work first then study". It then leads to "oh study what?"

That's where I break into full panic mode and reply "oh um psychology or IT yeah". That's where I get the most hated reply of people telling me to go IT. It's a thinly veiled slap to the face.

 Its like saying i have zero people skills and should go face computers since they don't require communication skills.

Argh. I really hate being stuck in this position. I need to get my planning machine back into my head and carefully consider each and every step, every day, every second.

I need to be decisive again...