I am happy and contented with the 3 beautiful child Buddha has given me. Yet i am sad that i seems to fail to do my role/part as a good mother, wife nor daughter.
For Viveca, I feel a great sense of sadness and guiltiness towards her. My time for her is never the same like 5 yrs back when she solely have me. And now she is P1, studies are really a big stress. Each time i tutor her, I definitely will raise my voice at her. Either her handwriting sucks or she cannot pay attention to what i am teaching her. Today i even resorted to have a cane in my palm as to show her my authority that mummy is not joking with her, and she better do well in her studies. I feel sad, disappointed and disgusted with what i have done today. I HATE MYSELF!
By raising my voice at her.. each time i have disheartened her.. each time she will distanced from her usual mummy.. each time i am killing her little heart.. bleeding bleeding bleeding.. she must be wondering why the change in mummy after there is didi and meimei.
I do explain to her but i am not sure if she understand what i meant.. what is my expectations from her at this age. Moral and studies are equally important.. :(
I can see tears and sadness in her eyes.. but I pretended not to see it...
Thoughts run thru me... Why am i behaving this way??? Why WHY WHY... I am really hard on her.. What is wrong with me??? Am i bitch???
With the add on of Elston & Erica, mentally and physically i am badly drained. Mentally tired.. physically tired... but i can never rely on him. When i do, all i get is I AM TIRED too. When he did the work, i can the kids crying or screaming.. Hardly there is laughter. :( So end up i will pick back my work.
Time passes real fast each day.. then is end of the week...then is start of the week... i feel like i am sleeping yet each day i woke up damn tired... then face mirror and say... is a brand new day..Perk Up! Self-brain washing... is tired as well...
Then i tink of my parents...... Not earning much at my age and burden with 3 kids. $$$$$ seems always not enough. How can i ever let my parents have a good life? Wat can i ever provide them with............ thoughts run run run....
Then i think of work, i feel bad that i am not doing good enough... Not up to my expectations and that feeling is real sucks.
I HATE MYSELF......
I went to temple last week. As usual, i spent quite awhile there. I seek for strength, courage and patience to go on, I pray for wisdom to guide my kids. I pray for happiness in my family. ... ... Then I ask for an answer if all will be well... Thank buddha is a good lot.. all will be well. And i strongly believe it.. This helps me to keep on going... I pray it will come soon.............
Sorry my kids, mummy has been bad. Mummy will try to be a better person, ok. Please look forward to it. Viveca please know that mummy loves u alot. I know u are a good gal. I am sorry if i have been hard on you...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Is a been awhile... or.. is a long while......
Pretty tired nowadays.. while we have just started Year 2010, i am really looking forward to year 2011...
Ya... Once Jan'11, Erica will be able to go childcare with Elston and COOL... all of us will not need to rush for the morning hours! Nevertheless, I hope Erica's ear will be alrite. She will be doing her ear test on 2 Feb to see if there is any sound wave. I hope all will be well for her. Please pray for her ya!
Teaching Vivi on her studies is god damn hard for me. Esp. Hanyu Pinyin, CHINESE, waCOr.. damn hard leh! I am like learning with her. Poor Vivi, nowadays studies is so tough for kids. Haiz.. I need to work harder to help her...
Elston is getting more cheeky and i love it so much.. Really loves playing with him. So funny...
Aiyo.. pen down here also no use.. let me find a little time to tape them now, ok!
Neh.. sleepy liao.. see my facebook for their pics, ok!
Nitez.......
Ya... Once Jan'11, Erica will be able to go childcare with Elston and COOL... all of us will not need to rush for the morning hours! Nevertheless, I hope Erica's ear will be alrite. She will be doing her ear test on 2 Feb to see if there is any sound wave. I hope all will be well for her. Please pray for her ya!
Teaching Vivi on her studies is god damn hard for me. Esp. Hanyu Pinyin, CHINESE, waCOr.. damn hard leh! I am like learning with her. Poor Vivi, nowadays studies is so tough for kids. Haiz.. I need to work harder to help her...
Elston is getting more cheeky and i love it so much.. Really loves playing with him. So funny...
Aiyo.. pen down here also no use.. let me find a little time to tape them now, ok!
Neh.. sleepy liao.. see my facebook for their pics, ok!
Nitez.......
Friday, November 13, 2009
TorTabtUs...
aiyo.. si bei long never update my blog.... Life after i resume work really sucks.. but been telling myself is an ENJOYMENT.. n True enough.. i am beginning to believe it! Wonders huh! U can make it work too.. Like u cannot SHIT, tell yourself when you are in the BOWEL, 我可以拉出来，努力。。努力。。。 wowCor.. Your SHIT sure POOO oUT! hahaha!!!! Thank ME if you made it, man! Woohahaha...
Now every morning i wake up at 4.30am, then i hang my laundry i wash last nite, then i pack and iron my kids n myself clothes, then bath, then change Vivi into uniform, of cos.. earlier got brush teeth la..., then wake ah lao up at abt 6.15am, his turn to brush teeth and go pick car, then by 6.30am like tat, i carry Erica, he carry Elston and poor Viveca walk on her own to our little car. Then we travel to Hougang to drop Erica to my mum then back to Bukit Panjang (BP) to drop Didi n JieJie to school, then papa to drop me at bus-stop to take bus to work.
Then after work, i go Hougang, fetch Erica with papa, then we go back to mil's place at BP to have dinner then bring all of our little angels home... then i begin coaxing them to sleep by 2300hrs latest.. then i put my laundry to wash.. then sleep...
Every week day is like tat, about 4-5 hrs of sleep. Yes. Very tire.. but tell myself very energetic.. yayaya.. works la.. tat is how i can live till today. Hope my ah lao will 加油 as well.
Recently i also suay la... my facebook kenna hacked!!!! walao, i reported account being compromised but in the end i tink i have lost the account permanently. Reason cos. i forgot the answer to my security question. Who is my first kiss?? KNN.. i dun it is my papa or mama, father or mother, first love or my ah lao leh... then stupid facebook only give me once bloody chance, then sure la, i mati... sala answer... they closed my account. I write in to appeal now.. but hor... they give me new password n account leh but hor walau... they also disabled it leh. So hor, i really dun noe it is just to entertain me. Sick!!! Hopefully they pity me and give me another chance. U think they will?
Let's move n now to my angels....
Sad sad sad for my little Erica, she is down with stenosis ear canal. Means tiny ear canal, less than 1mm. But likewise i am positive abt it, I hope so, though is hard... Right now, we cannot do any surgery on her, cos. will need to wait for the ear bone to be fully develope being an op can be done. The earliest will be when she is 1.5mths. Please pray for her. Thanks!
Elston.. BIG head, this 2nd dec will need to see doctor to examine if the body has catch up with the head. I think should not be any problem, genetic... cos. I also big head mah. This Elston.. very cute and naughty. He bites whoever try to be funny with him. Ya, 2nd day in childcare, he already bite his classmate and Daddy Chia gonna need to send apologies to parents. Haiz.. hopefully he grown tired of being a vampire soon. haha! Yes, initial heartpain to leave him to childcare. With bless, he loves it!
Viveca. Heee. I si bei proud of her! She is a good sister. She loves her siblings alot. She is definitely a good helper. Without her i tink i will be dead... tired with the 2 younger ones...Didi n Meimei loves JieJie alot too.. so cute! Ya! she is also selected to be cast in OKTO... done with fliming though she is like "colorfair" but still i am proud she make it for her audition out of so many students. When to be cast on TV, we still waiting for producer to inform.
aiyo so many things to update... but not much time... shall update photos story soon.. please wait..
Got to go... North South East West... hee... Papa Chia is here to pick me from HOUGANG. Yawn....
Now every morning i wake up at 4.30am, then i hang my laundry i wash last nite, then i pack and iron my kids n myself clothes, then bath, then change Vivi into uniform, of cos.. earlier got brush teeth la..., then wake ah lao up at abt 6.15am, his turn to brush teeth and go pick car, then by 6.30am like tat, i carry Erica, he carry Elston and poor Viveca walk on her own to our little car. Then we travel to Hougang to drop Erica to my mum then back to Bukit Panjang (BP) to drop Didi n JieJie to school, then papa to drop me at bus-stop to take bus to work.
Then after work, i go Hougang, fetch Erica with papa, then we go back to mil's place at BP to have dinner then bring all of our little angels home... then i begin coaxing them to sleep by 2300hrs latest.. then i put my laundry to wash.. then sleep...
Every week day is like tat, about 4-5 hrs of sleep. Yes. Very tire.. but tell myself very energetic.. yayaya.. works la.. tat is how i can live till today. Hope my ah lao will 加油 as well.
Recently i also suay la... my facebook kenna hacked!!!! walao, i reported account being compromised but in the end i tink i have lost the account permanently. Reason cos. i forgot the answer to my security question. Who is my first kiss?? KNN.. i dun it is my papa or mama, father or mother, first love or my ah lao leh... then stupid facebook only give me once bloody chance, then sure la, i mati... sala answer... they closed my account. I write in to appeal now.. but hor... they give me new password n account leh but hor walau... they also disabled it leh. So hor, i really dun noe it is just to entertain me. Sick!!! Hopefully they pity me and give me another chance. U think they will?
Let's move n now to my angels....
Sad sad sad for my little Erica, she is down with stenosis ear canal. Means tiny ear canal, less than 1mm. But likewise i am positive abt it, I hope so, though is hard... Right now, we cannot do any surgery on her, cos. will need to wait for the ear bone to be fully develope being an op can be done. The earliest will be when she is 1.5mths. Please pray for her. Thanks!
Elston.. BIG head, this 2nd dec will need to see doctor to examine if the body has catch up with the head. I think should not be any problem, genetic... cos. I also big head mah. This Elston.. very cute and naughty. He bites whoever try to be funny with him. Ya, 2nd day in childcare, he already bite his classmate and Daddy Chia gonna need to send apologies to parents. Haiz.. hopefully he grown tired of being a vampire soon. haha! Yes, initial heartpain to leave him to childcare. With bless, he loves it!
Viveca. Heee. I si bei proud of her! She is a good sister. She loves her siblings alot. She is definitely a good helper. Without her i tink i will be dead... tired with the 2 younger ones...Didi n Meimei loves JieJie alot too.. so cute! Ya! she is also selected to be cast in OKTO... done with fliming though she is like "colorfair" but still i am proud she make it for her audition out of so many students. When to be cast on TV, we still waiting for producer to inform.
aiyo so many things to update... but not much time... shall update photos story soon.. please wait..
Got to go... North South East West... hee... Papa Chia is here to pick me from HOUGANG. Yawn....
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
OMG... Stresso Again...
aiyo.. missing my sleep again... MATI... Nitemare!!!
Gynae says i will be due anytime as Princess Erica's head is quite down... May be expecting her arrival this week, if not, by next week, 30 June (my next appt.) will do a detail scan for me and then YES... Into Induce again either on the day or another appointment... baby weight in Mummy's Tummy is 2.9Kg. No more pills to stop contraction against nature. :(
WoRRies....
Okie.... some photos updates of my Devil Angels...
Princess Viveca...
Prince Elston...
We Just Love them!!! See they so close...
Joke of the Day... I rather SLEEP then to EAT.... I wan PLAY PLAY.. if nt... I SLEEP SLEEP.. hahaha!!!
cheeros.... i go catch some nap before work now...PRAY.......
Gynae says i will be due anytime as Princess Erica's head is quite down... May be expecting her arrival this week, if not, by next week, 30 June (my next appt.) will do a detail scan for me and then YES... Into Induce again either on the day or another appointment... baby weight in Mummy's Tummy is 2.9Kg. No more pills to stop contraction against nature. :(
WoRRies....
- Handover of work... OMG OMG OMG.. I yet completed... Cos. PT only come in last week leh... How to squeeze so much to her brain cells...
- Tat dunNoe wat MASK boss on her AL... WAT if she came back n I went into labour... She only back on MON.. later afternoon will sms her.. U know just in case...
- Princess's stuff i still very very lazy to get it prepared.....Yet her milk bottle la, baby blanket la.... wash her clothes la... will start packing...
- Who look after my kids la... Mum & Dad going overseas... wat if... stay MIL... vivi sleep where huh???
- Elston so close to granny, can accomodate my parents to look after.... or should i say... my parents can tahan naughty Elston.
Okie.... some photos updates of my Devil Angels...
Princess Viveca...
Prince Elston...
We Just Love them!!! See they so close...Joke of the Day... I rather SLEEP then to EAT.... I wan PLAY PLAY.. if nt... I SLEEP SLEEP.. hahaha!!!
cheeros.... i go catch some nap before work now...PRAY.......
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Betrayer
The worst betrayer is from someone I have been loyal for years. I work like a bull, take the nitiative, I do my best either for her or the company. I excel my work with my god damn pride and responsibilities i must have. I work without complain (bring home to work, work during my confinement period) and couldn't be bother how people sees me, never mind about the peanut pay, so long she recognize my work and i will do it... at least i thought i have her support.
After so long then i learn my lesson, is wrong!!!! LOYAL = BETRAYER.
Whatever i do, I ask for approval to go ahead, even for a small task or the contents of an email. When things goes right, credit is you, I never own once... I too never ask for. I dun mind. But when things goes wrong today, u turn the table and say i am at fault. My question to u is very simple, if you jolly well don't approve or think is wrong to proceed, why give me the go ahead sign??? You should have stop me from there.. For what you support me when end of the day you do not honor your words!
Yr reason is that u need to look at the overall picture. The company, u are referring??? I dun think so for now. I think is your rice bowl. So what if they now become friends from enemies, so what if now they gang up and trying hard to crash u.. Does that meant you can just walk away by saying you know nuts about the whole thing, and point the finger at me? Yes, this is survival. I have no doubts about it. Just count myself fortunate to know you better today.
4 times... U point the finger at me. I give up now totally. Pointless to work like before anymore.
1st, on the stock take penalty issue, u know it n approve. But in the end, you put the blame on someone that took a peek on the email but never stop me. U dun scold me face to face. U call office on your GOD DAMN Leave and give me a thrashing.
2nd, on all my emails i sent with my colorful font... u knew it all along.. even when i wrote, i printed out and seek yr approval to go ahead. U said YES.. Go.. But when people feedback on the negative tingy, u agreed with them. YOU come back and tell me is my fault and i should not do it... I took it with pride.. And i never wrote it anymore.
3rd, your ears is soft. People tell u what you believe and deny my faith, loyal and trust in you. Always tell me, Gal, if your conscious is clear, u should know better. Best joke is I dun even noe what happen and you blow yr hot n cold towards me for nothing. I only got to know after the main casts come and apologize for what had happen. Then i know you are blaming me for not being truthful to tell u about their relationship. I never blame you for this as well. Grapevine is poisonous.. i understand.
TODAY, 4th, i really have enough. I am totally burnt by you.. Not a single ashes left.
My mindset needs to change. I will not confront you anymore. I will just work 8hrs and go home. Just do what i am instructed to and no more iniative. cos. you no longer deserve my loyalness. You make me lost direction and FAITH i have in you.
People says how bad you are. I give you a benefit of doubt. i dun believe... but now it happens too many times to me. Too many times that i cannot build up my trust in you.
I will plan my future with someone worth my hard work after the birth of Xin Er.
For now, I thank you for this journey you have really made me learnt. SURVIVAL.
Thanks!
Ps. Friends whom i working with... if you read my blog, please keep it with you. I just need a place to vent out my anger before i crash headstrong with her.. Thanks for your understanding. Love u all and bless me!
After so long then i learn my lesson, is wrong!!!! LOYAL = BETRAYER.
Whatever i do, I ask for approval to go ahead, even for a small task or the contents of an email. When things goes right, credit is you, I never own once... I too never ask for. I dun mind. But when things goes wrong today, u turn the table and say i am at fault. My question to u is very simple, if you jolly well don't approve or think is wrong to proceed, why give me the go ahead sign??? You should have stop me from there.. For what you support me when end of the day you do not honor your words!
Yr reason is that u need to look at the overall picture. The company, u are referring??? I dun think so for now. I think is your rice bowl. So what if they now become friends from enemies, so what if now they gang up and trying hard to crash u.. Does that meant you can just walk away by saying you know nuts about the whole thing, and point the finger at me? Yes, this is survival. I have no doubts about it. Just count myself fortunate to know you better today.
4 times... U point the finger at me. I give up now totally. Pointless to work like before anymore.
1st, on the stock take penalty issue, u know it n approve. But in the end, you put the blame on someone that took a peek on the email but never stop me. U dun scold me face to face. U call office on your GOD DAMN Leave and give me a thrashing.
2nd, on all my emails i sent with my colorful font... u knew it all along.. even when i wrote, i printed out and seek yr approval to go ahead. U said YES.. Go.. But when people feedback on the negative tingy, u agreed with them. YOU come back and tell me is my fault and i should not do it... I took it with pride.. And i never wrote it anymore.
3rd, your ears is soft. People tell u what you believe and deny my faith, loyal and trust in you. Always tell me, Gal, if your conscious is clear, u should know better. Best joke is I dun even noe what happen and you blow yr hot n cold towards me for nothing. I only got to know after the main casts come and apologize for what had happen. Then i know you are blaming me for not being truthful to tell u about their relationship. I never blame you for this as well. Grapevine is poisonous.. i understand.
TODAY, 4th, i really have enough. I am totally burnt by you.. Not a single ashes left.
My mindset needs to change. I will not confront you anymore. I will just work 8hrs and go home. Just do what i am instructed to and no more iniative. cos. you no longer deserve my loyalness. You make me lost direction and FAITH i have in you.
People says how bad you are. I give you a benefit of doubt. i dun believe... but now it happens too many times to me. Too many times that i cannot build up my trust in you.
I will plan my future with someone worth my hard work after the birth of Xin Er.
For now, I thank you for this journey you have really made me learnt. SURVIVAL.
Thanks!
Ps. Friends whom i working with... if you read my blog, please keep it with you. I just need a place to vent out my anger before i crash headstrong with her.. Thanks for your understanding. Love u all and bless me!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Photo Updates... My Kids, My Love...
Hello my friends!!! So sorry. Been rather busy with my new life.. :) Ok.. to cut it short.. here are some photos and video clips to update on my kids and my life..... Yayaya.. I sorry... if i have been delaying to show u them... HERE... heee...
Mummy.. I am bored... Y jie jie swim n i watch.. HEE!
Hello...
Cheeky Vivi...
Ah Ma n all her grandchildren!!!
KaiLe n Elston..Finally learning hw to bath Elston after 9 months!!!
Didi with Jie Jie on Train...
My only grandson...
Baby Gale loves Papa too...
Family Outing on CNY...
I love didi..111
My Veronica...Cheeky Elston & Naughty Vivi...
Entertaining Elston while waiting for papa.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Rainbow
This morning is so much different from what i have been through for the past few months... Everything seems so beautiful!
I sms my sistas while i was standing on the bus, "This morning is exceptionally bright, cheerful and full of rainbows. So happy to smell the fresh air, sense the leaves, grass and flowers. They are so full of life. No words can explain how i felt! Good morning my sistas!"
I have never felt so sleepy for a long time... i really slept so well and soundly. No more nitemares since i received a call from my gynae last evening that my baby gal is doing well, 100% cleared of Edward syndrome, healthy and i can carry on my pregnancy!
My boss was there when she heard my great news, she hug me! Yes! God, Buddha, fairies have answered the prayers. Tears of joy rolled down.... No words can explain how wonderful and thankful i felt. I called, sms n do whatever i can to share my joy!
I wanna thank you all for your prayers, concern, care, etc... or even burden my worries. Thank You, my friends, sistas and families!!!
Another joy i wanna share, is i have finally completed my studies and will be waiting patiently for my transcript and diploma cert. Oh Yes.. I wanna thank all of my PSB classmates, project mates for going through with me. Is really wonderful to know you all. Esp to Gina for all the struggle and encouragement, we have made it through together, and not forgetting Sue for joining hands in our midnight battle. Oh yes, to PRIS too, for helping me in project (esp. that stupid KELLOGS, hee!!!) and sharing her beloved exam notes and WONDERFUL DINNER! Or ya.. not forgetting my dear Selene with memories of dozing off in class. U LOOK SO CUTE LEH... And Betty for "Chopping" seats especially for mass revision. Oh ya, Janice for her loud righteous!!! LAstly, Valerie in adding on laughter...
Thank you everyone and good nite...
I sms my sistas while i was standing on the bus, "This morning is exceptionally bright, cheerful and full of rainbows. So happy to smell the fresh air, sense the leaves, grass and flowers. They are so full of life. No words can explain how i felt! Good morning my sistas!"
I have never felt so sleepy for a long time... i really slept so well and soundly. No more nitemares since i received a call from my gynae last evening that my baby gal is doing well, 100% cleared of Edward syndrome, healthy and i can carry on my pregnancy!
My boss was there when she heard my great news, she hug me! Yes! God, Buddha, fairies have answered the prayers. Tears of joy rolled down.... No words can explain how wonderful and thankful i felt. I called, sms n do whatever i can to share my joy!
I wanna thank you all for your prayers, concern, care, etc... or even burden my worries. Thank You, my friends, sistas and families!!!
Another joy i wanna share, is i have finally completed my studies and will be waiting patiently for my transcript and diploma cert. Oh Yes.. I wanna thank all of my PSB classmates, project mates for going through with me. Is really wonderful to know you all. Esp to Gina for all the struggle and encouragement, we have made it through together, and not forgetting Sue for joining hands in our midnight battle. Oh yes, to PRIS too, for helping me in project (esp. that stupid KELLOGS, hee!!!) and sharing her beloved exam notes and WONDERFUL DINNER! Or ya.. not forgetting my dear Selene with memories of dozing off in class. U LOOK SO CUTE LEH... And Betty for "Chopping" seats especially for mass revision. Oh ya, Janice for her loud righteous!!! LAstly, Valerie in adding on laughter...
Thank you everyone and good nite...
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