Well here we are...celebrating 10yrs of marriage!
We love to look back and think about the storms we've weathered and how much we've grown, but most of all we just love knowing that even after 11yrs of being together & 10yrs of marriage we are still the best of friends and very much in love.
During ten years of marriage you learn a thing or two (with many more things to learn together) and we wanted to record the 10 most important things we've learned during our time together (in no particular order):
3. Forgive Each Other (whole-heartedly). I cannot emphasize this one enough, mostly because there are many who do not fully forgive their spouses (some call it grudge-holding, bitterness, etc.), and this can place a wedge in the marriage that could eventually lead to the end. There isn't a perfect person out there, which means there isn't a perfect marriage either. We all make mistakes, but it seems when the people we love the most offend us it can also hurt the most and invoke some very emotional responses. Many people don't realize that forgiveness is a choice:
-A choice not to be angry or bitter - even though we may still hurt and it seems easier to stay angry.
-A choice to overlook imperfections and look for the good and the potential in your spouse.
-A choice to express love, graditude and patience - instead of angry, spiteful words that open old wounds.
-A choice to fully forgive by moving on and supporting each other.
This can be some tough stuff, and requires some tremendous emotional and spiritual effort on the part of both spouses. We can both tell you from experience that you can't leave God out of this one. It has often been through soul-searching prayer that our hearts have been softened and we were able to see each other in a new light. It's through these efforts you come to better understand yourself and your spouse, and it evnetually brings you closer.
4. Communication. This seems to be a common issue in many marriages. Men and women communicate and interpret things differently - that's a known fact. I think this skill is nurtured and developed over time, because it requires husband and wife to know each other more - to understand more than just verbal cues. Sometimes it's easy to get frustrated with each other, because there are different communication expectations, but we've learned that when there is frustration or contention that is the worst time to communicate, because at that point you are only thinking of yourself (YOUR feelings, what YOU are trying to say, YOUR point of view) instead of also trying to be a listener.
I think I've shared this story before, but Patrick and I had been married maybe two or three years when I had this brilliant idea that we needed to communicate all the things that we thought the other person needed to work/improve on. I'm pretty sure this idea came during a more heated moment. I decided we should sit down and make a written list of these flaws, bad habits, etc. and then discuss how we could improve. So, I start making my list - I write one thing after the other about Patrick (obviously my lack of patience and forgiveness had spurred this activity). When I'm done and look up from my list Patrick appears to be done too. So, of course I volunteer to read my list first, and Patrick is very patient and humble as I tell him about all of the flaws I think he needs to work on. Then it was his turn. He said he didn't want to read his. I demanded he read his list to me. He said that he couldn't think of anything that warranted be written on the list. I didn't believe him and I grabbed his list. Sure enough - nothing had been written. I felt so embarrassed and so small...I couldn't even look at him. He told me that he loved me - flaws and all, and that he would work on being a better person. I started to cry.
I learned many things that day, but one thing was that it's not always so important HOW we communicate, but certainly WHAT we communicate, and that often requires patience, a listening ear, work and love on our part.
5. Learn to laugh at yourself - and each other. "Lighten-up!" I've heard those words from my mother on many an occasion. I can be a pretty serious, analytical person, and while that quality has it's place in certain situations it really doesn't belong in every-day married life. I think this has a lot to do with pride, and I can be a prideful person. Patrick has always been good at laughing at himself and his shortcomings...and I've been more inclined to laugh at him too. But, I've had to learn to lower my pride and laugh at myself...and to let my husband laugh with me. There is no room for pride in a marriage, because pride only invokes self-centered ideas and tendencies. So, to be able to humble yourself enough to "lighten-up" is a pretty important contributor to making a marriage work, because that humility requires you to think beyond yourself.
6. Honesty. This one would seem pretty self-explanitory, but I'm amazed at what lies and omissions many people allow into their marriages. In my mind trust is a foundational part of marriage, and you can't have trust without honesty. From the beginning Patrick and I have committed to being honest and sharing everything with each other, because all it takes is the smallest lie or omission to cascade into something bigger. This has not really been negotiable, and as a result we have a very open and honest marriage, which I think has been a big contributing factor to our success thus far.
7. Spouse before children. Upon first reading that bolded line it may sound a bit harsh to some, so this should not be misinterpreted. When you make the decision to have children you make a lifetime committment to love, teach and nurture them - no questions asked. However, the lines can sometimes become blurred when the needs and demands of our children take over our own. Those of you who have children know how much is sacrificed to care for them, but we should always make it a priority to seek out and nurture the needs of our spouse. This can become very difficult and requires a conscious effort, because it can become easy to get engrossed in our children and forget to nuture our marriage. Ultimately, the foundation of any family is the marriage, and that is why it's so important to keep it fortified. We try to make sure that we make time for each other...even if it's only 15 minutes of uninterrupted conversation or cuddle time...we make it happen EVERY DAY. We plan date nights...even if it only consists of a few hours of watching a movie at home after Gabriel is in bed. It is time together, which in my mind is time well-spent. Make it a priority.
8. United front. This one has sometimes been challenging for us. Before even having children we discussed our discipline/teaching methods and came to an agreement. But, sometimes in the heat of the moment we don't always agree with the approach taken, and one of us has sometimes interjected on the other in front of our child. This can not only send the wrong message to your child, but also create tension in the marriage. We are constantly learning (together) how to parent and what works best, but one thing we have quickly learned is to keep a united front in front of the children, and discuss disagreements over discipline or teaching approaches behind closed doors so as to not be-little each other in front of the kids. This may not seem like much, but it helps to avoid dissension in both the marriage and the family.
9. Make decisions together. This kind of coincides with communication, but I've always seen marriage as a team effort, which means both parties should have a voice in the decisions. Some people have a difficult time realizing that EVERY decision you make as a married person affects more than just you-it affects your spouse & children. I truly believe that in order to have an equal and happy parternship decisions should be discussed and made together. Together we discuss and decide on everything from what route we should take to our destination to life-altering decsions...such as what jobs should be taken. To me - there is no other way. If you want a meaningful and successful marriage then parterns should be equally involved in making decisions.
10. Loyalty. This is a big one for me. I've never understood why people think they should take their marital concerns/problems to friends and/or family members before taking it up with their spouse. In fact, there are very few instances when friends or family should be involved in your marriage. I know that there are sometimes extinuating circumstances, where you may need to seek the support of family or friends during a trying time. However, I think one of the surest ways for a marriage to end in divorce is to go running to your friends/family at the first sign of a struggle. When you get married you committ to each other...not your mom or your dad, sister or brother, or your best friend, but to each other. As such, I think we owe it to our spouse to be respectful and loyal by working out our problems with them FIRST before seeking counsel from others. That also requires us to avoid speaking ill of our spouse to others during a trying time. Speaking bad about your spouse only fuels a fire that you should be working at (w/your spouse) to extinguish. In the stronger marriages I've seen (including our own) the couples have kept their marital business their own and worked out their problems without the constant insights of family and friends. That isn't to say that if a couple is having problems that they shouldn't seek professional counsel. Simply put - our marriage is stronger because we have been loyal to eachother and worked together to solve our own problems.
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These are just our "Top Ten" foundational values that we've learned and applied in our marriage thus far. Our marriage is not perfect, but it's happy. We have our moments, but we always manage to work through them and come out of it better people, and more committed to each other. I'm so glad to have Patrick as my eternal companion - there isn't another soul out there that could love me so unconditionally as he does, and there isn't another soul that I would want to spend eternity with. LOVE YOU-FULL SPEED NO BRAKES!
