I thought every once and a while I would do a little
"Memoirs of a New Mom" entry as it is almost therapeutic for me and hopefully a little helpful to some mom out there. Sometimes it's just good to know you aren't alone.
Alright - I'm going to put myself out there and tell you what it's
REALLY been like for me as a new mom (and don't forget I am still a new mom - he is only 5 1/2 months). Maybe some of you can relate, and some of you won't because you have the natural gift to bear and raise children as if it were as familiar to you as going home. Either way I hope to evoke some reaction...whether it's rolling eyes, laughter, or relating on some level.
First and foremost, there are not enough words to describe the good side of motherhood. Unfortunately, there are a lot of words that account for all the bad things mothers could or should not do. So, it seems like what I want to say almost comes across as trite when really there is so much depth and meaning I want to express.
I want to make one thing clear: I have longed to be a mother for many years and now that it has happened I couldn't imagine things any other way. It has brought a wholeness to my life that I never thought was possible. However, that does not mean that motherhood has not been without its challenges for me.
Challenge #1: Floundering into the unknown- I am a planner and I definitely like to be prepared for things. So before Gabriel was born I went to classes, read books, listened to everyone’s advice. The problem is once he was born most of it didn't seem to apply to my baby. I found myself so frustrated for the first few months because my planning had amounted to nothing, my baby wasn't living up to my expectations and worst yet I had no idea what I was doing or where to go. Finally one day I sat down and cried and realized I had very foolish expectations and that my baby was a little human. He was finding his way just like me, and instead of fighting it and listening to everyone else I needed to trust him and trust myself.
Challenge #2: To be a comforter or a trainer- For some reason (and I'm not sure why) I had in my head that in my baby's and my own best interest I needed to train my infant to be more independent so that he could be more self-reliant and confident as an adult. This meant going against my natural instincts and often forcing myself to
not respond to my baby when he needed me. I even went as far as to think that sometimes my baby was trying to manipulate me into giving him attention, and that he would grow into a child who would expect me to put everything down for every little thing if I responded too much to his needs. How
ridiculous is that?! I've come to realize that this is truly not my parenting style. In fact, I personally disagree with it and I've cried many a night thinking that I thought I was right in doing so. I want to be a comforter to my baby. I want my baby to trust me, and if I can help it, to never feel alone. I don't want my baby to learn to
control and bottle up his distress rather than to find strength through
sharing it. If a baby is crying for attention he seems to need it. I now feel like if an older child becomes manipulative, it is nearly always because he hasn't been able to get what he needed by a more straightforward method...like clearly expressing he has a need and then having no response. Don't get me wrong, I do want my child to be confident and independent, but it doesn't start in the first three months. I have finally worked out a balance as to when to respond to cries and when not to...I've learned what his cries mean, and sometimes it's just a little fussy cry before he falls asleep or he is just kind of trying to unwind...I let him work that out. But, for the first 3 months he really just needed me all the time and I didn't realize that until now.
Challenge #3: What exactly do moms do? - A few weeks ago I was at work and one of my co-workers (who is a mother herself...and now a grandmother) had the following conversation with me:
Her: Are you going back to work?
Me: No, I'm going to stay home and take care of my baby
Her: Well, what is there to really do?
Me: -long pause...as I tried to gather my thoughts at such an abrupt question...then realizing that I didn't know how to express in words what it was that I do finally said, Well, I take care of my baby.
Her: But what do you actually do?
Me: now feeling defensive and flustered said, I take care of him, feed him, change his diapers, play with him, read to him, love him, clean my house, and run errands. It's not like he can do things on his own right now.
Her: oh, I see...... and she said it in a tone and with a look that made me feel completely useless.
This is something I've struggled with and still sometimes do. I've worked in some shape or form during the past 12 years, and always had tangible results. But, being a mother is a life’s work without immediate, concrete results. I’ve struggled with my self-worth and wondered if I was truly contributing to anything anymore. On bad days my husband would leave and come home to his wife and home in the same state it was when he left (or sometimes worse). He never says anything, and probably doesn’t mind, but I do. I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing.
But, Gabriel and I have had moments, after the early period of “chaos,” where we now understand each other; we now have routines and patterns – we know each other. Although I can’t always see a completed result in my day-to-day life, there is a feeling of fulfillment after being with your baby and connecting with him on levels only the two of you can appreciate. There is no recognition or visible achievement, but I am beginning to realize how fortunate I am to be doing the invaluable work of a mother.
I just know we have eager fans out there who check our blog 10 times a day dying for something new and exciting from the Tora Family. So, for all you die-hard fans out there (*wink*) I thought I would let you know that you won't be hearing from us for a while. We are heading to Billings in a few days to spend our Christmas holiday with family. Then at the end of this month we head to Fiji to meet up with Patrick's family and introduce Gabriel to all of them for the first time. We won't be back until mid January, so until then you are just going to have to suffer and live off of the three entries I recently posted below. Don't miss us too much...and just think we will be back with loads of stuff to share!
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