hope and vaseline

info + entries + others + future

Info

My Twitter Updates

Friday, March 21 @ 12:52:00 PM

: "Where did we go wrong?"

I dreamt I was grocery shopping, in a huge supermarket. And I saw Andriy.

I tried to make sure our paths don't cross, that we won't go bump into each other. I wouldn't know what to say, what to do. I still feel a little tug of pain and tenderness when I saw him.

At the cashier, we ended up at the same queue. And we started talking, the usual, he asked me how's things, how's everything.

and then he asked

"Where did we go wrong? Why didn't it work out between us?"

and in my dream, I told him

"It was just too intense for both of us. I had expectations, and you felt stifled. We both felt trapped."

and he said "maybe we should try again, we're both more mature now."

then I woke up.

Like wtf man, I don't even think of him IRL.

Friday, January 4 @ 3:46:00 AM

: come back

He's going to be coming back end of the month. It's been...4 months? Inclusive of End Jan/Early Feb, that would be 5 months since he was last here. I thought he left in Aug when I had that chicken pox, but then I remembered I brought him to that Korean BBQ place for his birthday treat. So, that has to be mid/end Sept.

Ah well. Patience.

Welcome 2013.

2012 had been a year of mending. This New Year will be the first new year as a family since my mom came back. The family unit is finally whole, I have gotten rid of the heavy baggages I carried on my back, I've stopped smoking (somewhat), I'm in a job that I love (and I hope they love me too), I've got some savings, I've learnt how to swim (so badly, that an uncle had to come up to me and tell me that my butt comes out of the water when I kick), I've taken a stand against being around people that brought me down, and I can finally say that I'm pretty happy without feeling like I'm lying.

Yeah, it's a pretty good year.

Tuesday, October 2 @ 2:20:00 AM

: i don't know why but

i love eric.

Monday, April 23 @ 3:05:00 AM

: Somebody

Heard this song today. Reminded me of the breakup with A.

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say"

I realised I did cut him off, made out like it never happened.

We were nothing. You didn't need my love.

He's now a stranger, I never knew him much in the first place.

I subconciously changed my number (I switched to a proper line subscription but I didn't tell bother telling people abt my new number).

Yes, A, now you're just somebody I used to know.

I'm happy now though. I feel like I'm free. I was in a relationship and it made me feel lonelier than when I am single now. Because when you're with someone who can't give you as much love as you needed, you really do feel alone.

The flirting with Eric has somehow escalated into some kind of strange situation, where he tells me about how much he loves my ass and how I tell him how much I love his etc etc. I have refused to have sex with him for the approximately 9-10 months.. why should I give myself to a guy who cannot commit? He was polite enough to tell me that a relationship isn't his priority right now, and that his priority is to finish his final year project and get a good job, and I respect that. I do not want to get in the way of his goals, and the best I could do is to give my full support. Give a man his space and freedom to achieve his goals, and give him your full support. If he's a good guy, he'll remember it and realise that you've always been there by his side supporting him all the way, and maybe he'll realise that he wants you in his life.

Wednesday, February 15 @ 1:01:00 AM

: failure

i watch what i eat
i jog
i walk
i still am gaining weight

people eat more than i do
they don't work out
they are still perfect

and i feel like im getting worse and worse and worse

i'm trying to make all these positive changes in my life
to move on
to get better
to look better

i still seem to be getting nowhere.

Tuesday, February 14 @ 1:32:00 AM

: valentine's day

even in the years i wasn't single, i never spent valentine's day.
this year, i'm single, still not spending valentine's day. long story cut short, nevermind let's just cut it down to nothing.

happy valentine's day

But I know that you would like me

If only you could see me

If only you could meet me

@ 1:17:00 AM

: nothing

i am nothing

in your eyes i have faded

in your eyes i have lost the glitter the shine

that once drew you to me

i am nothing

in your heart i am jaded

in your heart i hold no place no space

for me to hide inside

for me to run and hide

for me to feel alive

if you ask me now
i'd say i'm doing fine
if you ask me how
nothing comes to mind

all i know is that
if i fake it well enough
i start believing it too

my questions your answers didn't get me anywhere
maybe next time i'll see you there

Saturday, February 11 @ 8:02:00 PM

I loved you, so much.
Maybe too much. Maybe I am too forgiving.

Moving on, moving on. All these men are boring me.

Friday, February 3 @ 2:56:00 AM

: Restraint/Losing It

What is the value of restraint? Why do I restrict myself from everything for the hopes of something? Nothing ever fucking happens anyway. It just forms one big loop of repression, aggression and depression. What I thought would make me feel proud of myself, only made me feel trapped. I should just stop holding on the reins and just let everything go. Break the loop. Be a hedonist. Be a whore.

Fuck it all. Fuck around. Fuck you.

What is the point, to be honest? You're not going to come back. No one ever comes back. Everyone else just wants sex. If sex is what they want, maybe I should give it. Kill these hopes and wishes with a cock in my mouth. In my hole. Every single hole I have. With strangers, with older men, with guys I don't give a fuck about.

There is no point hoping and wishing for something.

I want to self-destruct. I want to fuck so much that I become addicted to it. I want it to be my drug, my food, my air.

I know now that if i really want to, I can restrain myself from sex. Now I know that I can be patient.
Now I know that no one gives a fuck. No one fucking cares. Just fuck me and move on. If you liked the fucking, then ask me out again, let's go on proper dates. Give me your time, give me your warmth, give me your money. I'll just fuck you like how you want me to. Any holes you'd like to fuck? Take me by the hair, lick my face. Make me cry, make me hate myself. I pretend to be so fucking confident because deep down inside, I am fucking sure that if I remain broken, no one will come to try to fix me.

I'm not doing this to get back at you. I'm not doing this to because I've gotten over you. I'm doing this because I'm fucking sick and tired of being alone, with that empty space inside me since you left.

I have half the mind to cut my wrists and lie in bed but I don't want to die.
Dear God, help me kill all these hopes/wishes/desires. I don't want to feel anything anymore. Yes, I have moved on. But the longer I remain being single, the more it feels like I have lost something I will never ever have again.

I don't know what to do right now. I guess I will just fuck myself to sleep, like how I do every night.

Tuesday, December 27 @ 4:01:00 AM

: This time, last year

We were still together. Even though every New Year's Eve I spend it alone while you were back home, I would always get a text on my phone from you, wishing me a Happy New Year. I would always know that somewhere out there, even though you weren't with me per se, you still thought of me. I would look forward to you coming back here, I would be waiting for you at the airport gates. I still remembered the last time I waited for you at the airport, and we kissed while a little girl was watching us. And we laughed.

This time, last year, we were still together. We loved each other even though we drove each other nuts. I had issues, and when I would get depressed, you always tried to snap me out of it. Even though sometimes I would burn you with my temperamental fire, you still stood in the flames and brought me back to my senses. Sometimes I felt like you never gave me what I wanted, and sometimes I felt like I always ask for too much. And now that I don't have you anymore, sometimes I don't know what to feel.

You tell me not to wait for you, to go out and meet other guys. Be with other guys. Be free. But strangely, with all the freedom, I don't know what to do. I don't feel attracted to anyone. Honest to God, I am not holding myself back, I am not waiting for you to come back. Nothing seems to excite me, to attract me, to make me want to give myself to another. But seeing you the other day, I did not know how to feel. Did I want to be physically close with you, because it's you, or because I have not been close to anyone for a long time? You asked me why I was upset. This was why I was upset. I did not know the real reason why I wanted to be with you. Maybe the reason was both. I wanted to be physically close with you, because I havent been close to anyone that is you.

This time, last year, we would still be telling each other intimate things. I would still tell you when my period has arrived. We would still be bickering outside convenience stores on who to go in to buy the condoms. I would still be walking close to you and smelling your neck or your sleeves. I would still be seducing you and trying to get you to come home with me even though you hate my place. I would still be thinking of ways to make you happy, ways to get you to be closer to me, and ways to annoy you.

This time, last year, I would still be asking you out. You were always busy, with work, with working out, with taekwondo. I would get upset because I wanted to spend more time with you. You would be in pain because of your back, your foot (or was it knee?) and I would be angry because these sports only seemed to aggravate your pains, yet you still choose to spend time on your sports and your training than with me. I wanted to spend more time with you. I didn't want to just go out to meet for dinner and then go back home. I wanted us to go out without a purpose. I wanted to spend more time.

This time, last year...everything was so different.

2010 Resolutions:

#1: lose 5 kgs more
#2: better health
#3: be more focused
#4: start my own jewellery line
#5: finish my portfolio
#6: ~~pierce my eyebrow~~
#7: finally go fly off somewhere for a trip
#8: drink more water
#9: figure out how to properly conceal my dark circles
#10: work out. more.
#11: do more photoshoots
#12: go out more
#13: have savings
#14: Cut down on
• rice
• nibbles
• pizza
• pastry
• biscuits
• sausages/hot dogs
• sodas

Future

My Wishlist

Cheaper things

Not so cheap things