Summer according to my phone

I've been bombarded with pictures to edit, so thank goodness I have pictures on my phone to post.   The past few days have been real summer days!  We got over the week long storm last week and we are now onto a hot summer! 

The girls have learned to sleep until around 7:30, and then we usually head out to the strawberry patch in our jammies.  Then it's playing with friends all day.  Sailyr and fin bounce back and forth between our house and neighbors houses. 

And they play long into the evening and we usually don't go in until it's dark out.  

My front porch (or my garden) is my favorite place on a summer evening. 

She can stand!

2017 Journey part 2.

Last time I wrote about my struggles this year I told about my in depth learning of Love and Choices.   Here is part 2... :).  

(This part 2 is not nearly as well written as part 1.  It's a bit jumbled...  But it was a little harder road to go down for me as well. I have traveled down the "crazy dad road" quite a few times.  But this one was all new to me, and it was hard. So forgive me if it's hard to understand). 


Right after we moved to Tonopah I became a little bit depressed, and I think I was depressed from about Nov-Feb.  So for about 4 months, and I just remember not being able to be happy.  And then Devin and I went on a weekend vacation in February that year to a ski resort in California.  And I remember we had drove up to this little frozen lake in the mountains and we got out and walked around the snow covered forest.  And I just felt this little tinge of happiness come back into my heart... That forest helped end the depression for me.  I remember looking at all of those big pretty green trees and just missing trees.  And missing anything that grew...  (we were in Tonopah, remember...)  That is why I had a blog for a little while called "I miss trees", and its also why I started gardening (although we had a pretty sad garden in tonopah, but I did grow some awesome flowers!).  I felt this pure, good, energy in that forest and it helped get me going again so that I could be happy.
....I have never thought about this before, but maybe that is why I like to garden....?


Fast forward to now.... Around the end of February 2017 this strange darkness was becoming unsettled in me.  And I use the term "darkness" to describe this yucky feeling that I felt in my heart, mind and body.  I can explain it as nothing more than darkness.   I tell you about becoming depressed in Tonopah, because this did not feel like that.  Both of these were not fun, and both a little depilating.... and maybe its because I am older and more aware now, but this felt different.

It just kind of grew.  First it was little, and then I let it bother me more and more and it just got bigger and bigger.  I was feeling used and taken advantage of and I felt threatened, like it was trying to kill me.   As if there was a bad guy outside my house with a knife, that's the threatening feeling I had. 

Now.  This darkness did not just come from thin air.  There were events that unsettled this feeling, but those events were not the cause of my feelings.  I take full responsibility for my own self and my feelings.  No one can make me feel happy/sad/mad with out my permission.   And although some "events" were bothering me... I knew that it was something deeper inside myself that was the root.  Not the actual "event".

About 3 weeks in I was going crazy.   I was being impatient with my kids, I was not myself, and one afternoon Devin walked in from work to find me sitting on the kitchen floor with a toothpick scrubbing dirt out of the little tiny cracks of the hardwood.  I don't even know what else was going on - the kids were probably crying - I had no dinner made - the house was not peaceful.  This is very unlike me... (at least I hope)... :)  and I could see a little bit of concern in his face that day.  

I knew that it was time to get to work on this darkness.  If I was going to be healthy I needed to get rid of the darkness.  And one night Devin just made me sit and talk.  And talk and talk.   I had to dig to get to the bottom of it, but right when I got there I knew it.  Here is what I learned.

*First Very Important Rule.
YOU MUST ONLY ALLOW TRUTH IN.
I had been operating on things that were not true for a long, long time.

*Also, there are 3 things-
Self Confidence.  Self Esteem. and Self Worth.
All are 3 different things, and 3 important things.  I though I was healthy in all 3 areas, but actually I had been filling up my "self worth bucket" with lies.  Which is why I say, you must search for TRUTH.

  I was basing all of my self worth on material or outside sources.  Which is funny, because I am the most un-materialistic person.  But I discovered that I had low self worth, which I never realized.  I think it might stem from when I was little - and just not feeling good enough.  I hate to say this, but I felt a little ashamed of my dad and felt like if I was going to become a person of worth, or a good person then I would need to work hard and prove it. 

You would say that this was a great attitude to have! Because I could see good and bad, and I was not stuck in the same cycle that I was born in.  But I was not handling it correctly.

In the dictionary it defines self worth as "the sense of one's own worth or value as a person.

On a website I found it says "self-worth should be less measuring yourself based on external actions and more about valuing your inherent worth as a person.  In other words, self-worth is about who you are, not what you do.  Studies now show that basing one's self worth on external factors is actually harmful to one's mental health.  One study at the University of Michigan found that college students who base their self worth on external sources (including academic performance and approval from others) reported more stress, anger, and relationship problems. 



So, I had built the greatest life I could.  I created a home environment and hobby farm for my children to give them the "purest childhood" I could give them.  I went after my dreams and really tried to find my passion in life, and built a great business that I am so happy with.  I have a marriage that is healthy and loving. 

All these things are good!!!  Great, even!  This is what I put into my "self worth bucket".   But these are topics that need to fall under Self esteem or self confidence... which I must add, those 2 buckets are full and good!

So I had to unload all of these things from my "self worth bucket".
Out go the chickens...
Out go my cute house...
Out go my trip to Europe and how hard I worked for that adventure...
Out goes Snickers the pony...
Out go photography...
Out goes my wonderful marriage...
Out go my garden...
Out go a gazillion other things that I was un-truthfully basing my worth on.

And after I dumped out my bucket I was afraid I would have nothing left.
It was strange peeling off all of these "material things" .... at first it felt a little empty, because I was afraid if I did not have it to cling to, then I would have and be nothing.  And then I looked in my empty "bucket" and there was one thing in the very bottom that I knew was the only true thing that belonged in my "self-worth bucket"

I am a child of God.
That was the only truth I had.



And after I sat on that for about a week I realized that God would love me if I sold all of my chickens.  God would love me if I sold my camera.  God would love me if I lived in a tiny apartment in the biggest city in the world.  Yes, God gave me talents and abilities and wants me to be happy, but I am more than a chicken farmer or photographer to him.   He loves me just because I am his and he made me. 



So all of this was very interesting to be in the deep deep middle of.  Because now I had no judgment on anyone.  I could look around at others and see it does not matter what you have, what you don't have,  what your job is, where you choose to live, what you choose to do... good or bad.....

You are a child of God.  And nothing else matters. 

Thank goodness I was taught that I am a child of God from a young age.  Because without that I don't know if I would have had anything to hold onto my Self worth with.  I am interested as to what Truths others place in their self worth bucket.  I think "family" could be there... and as I do love my family very much, but I chose my dad to be the reason why I filled my Self-worth bucket with untrue things. 

And I could also see how tricky it is to find the TRUTH.  All of the untrue things in my "self worth bucket" were all good - pure things.  In life I have tried to follow after  things that would keep my life simple and pure.  As to not get lost in a sea of "materialistic things"... haha!    So it was kind of confusing for me to see that they were good, but they were not what made me a good person.



As I was learning all of this I knew that All of the above was true.  Because once it opened up to me I felt so much lighter and I felt that darkness start to go away.  It was a very spiritual lesson for me to be in.   But I kept thinking and pondering. 

I searched about becoming Resilient.  As to not let untrue things plant themselves in me again.

And I have these lines written down in my journal.

-I AM NOT WHAT HAPPENS (HAPPENED) TO ME - I AM WHAT I CHOOSE TO BECOME

-STOP COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS - BELIEFS WE CONVINCE OURSELVES ARE TRUE


I was searching as to how to keep it all separate but connected.  How to remember that we are a child of god, and this earthly home is just an "temporary home" but at the same time - God gives us hard things and trials and wants us to live life.  I needed it to all wrap up together and make sense.

And one day after kind of talking it over with my mom I wrote this down...


"EXPIRENCES.
Good and Bad.
Are just that.
Experiences.
They don't define me.
They are a learning instrument.
A lesson to higher understanding.

I must take the responsibility of growing through trials and not becoming a victim of bad experiences.

The key to all of this is knowing your SELF-WORTH."



And I felt free for about 2 weeks before the darkness showed itself again.  And I though, are you kidding me?  I though we were done with this.... and then I realized, (just like Devin's sister had told me) I needed to forgive this "event" that had watered the darkness and helped it grow.  So I prayed and listened to a few podcasts about forgiveness and I think I was able to forgive. 



Its been about a month since I decided to forgive, and I have not felt that darkness since.  I wont say forgiveness is easy, but it has been a lot easier than living with that horrible yucky feeling.  

I must say that I have a whole new compassion for people who are in a "mentally dark" place for longer than a couple weeks.  That was not fun. It was awful.   And I understand that the root of others is probably a whole lot bigger and stronger than mine.  I can see how some people are mean or treat others badly.  It has nothing to do with you, and has everything to do with what they are dealing with inside. 

I can also see how easy it is to start addictions when you are trying to cover up bad feelings.  During this time I ordered children's books every single day.  Every day.  That was the way I masked my feelings.  :)  And now that its over I think of ordering a book maybe once a week... and usually don't take the time to sit down and shop.  :) 


I also learned that everything we do either comes from a place of love or a place of fear.  And I am trying to stop and realize if what I am doing is coming from love or fear.  Because you always want to choose love.


And I have learned that what we say to ourselves becomes our truth.  So we need to be careful of our thoughts, and what we say to our children.

I have 2 experiences with this - 
-When I was on my "lord of the rings - why did things turn out the way they did search" that I talked about in my first 2017 post.  I was asking Devin what he though and he mentioned that the music my dad listened to may have had something to do with it.  My dad listened to rock music that was not uplifting or positive.  I thought it was a good thought and then not even a week later heard someone on a podcast say that songs are manifestations for people because you learn the words and say them over and over.  So if you want to know what the world will be like in a couple years just listen to the words in songs right now. 
So not only be careful of your thoughts but also just the material that you put into your brain.

-Also, I have had the though of college following me around.  Which I feel like I am too busy with my most important work of taking care of small children right now, but all the same, its following me.  And I started wondering why I did not go when I was finished with high school.  It occurred to me that no one has ever told me I can go to college.  Actually it was almost opposite. And I believed them.   Even now-13 years later, those voices still sound in my mind.  The other day I looked up classes at byui and all I could hear were those voices.  So I have decided to clear that untrue root from my mind and when my kids are older - I might get a degree.  Because I Can!    In fact - I might go to art school, which I have wanted to do my whole life. 


I have also learned a lot about energy - which oh boy! That is a whole post in itself.


I have learned so much since February 1st...  but goodness its been hard.

Fin in the field.

(my new favorite pics of Fin, above)

Summer in Idaho is just full of locations for pictures.  I about drive myself crazy trying to go to them all.  Last year my very favorite pictures were in the wheat fields.  I am wanting to order some new canvases for the girls bedroom, so today while we were headed home from the library I stopped in front of a big green field..  Sailyr and Indie were not feeling like pictures, but surprisingly Fin was.  Which is usually the other way around... so I was happy just to get some pics of Fin!  It was quite windy, but that's ok... I think it adds life to the pictures. 

shopping trip.

This week has been rainy and kind of cold.  At the beginning of the week I was trying to think of something to go do, to get the kids out of the house.  And I decided that since I am the proud mother of 3 girls - I think a shopping trip to the mall is needed.  We actually never go to the mall, mostly because by the time everyone has melted down in Walmart getting groceries - there is no way I am going anywhere but home.  :)   So I loaded up the stroller and off we went.  The girls have been begging me for high heels to wear to church.  Sailyr comes home from church each week telling me she is the only girl in her church class who does not have high heels.... (which my reply to that is - too bad :)  But I did tell her that if she finished out violin then I would buy her some.   They also talked me into buying clip on earrings. 

Once we got home they put on their high heels and pranced around the house.  They loved hearing the "tap tap tap" of the heel on our hardwood floors.  And its been nothing but high heels and clip on earrings ever since.  They wear them all day in the house and I've had to go in at night and take off their clip on earrings after they were asleep. 

Indie

Indie took her first steps!!!  2 days ago on June 12th!  I had just changed her diaper and Sailyr and I were sitting in her bedroom with her.  She was holding my hands and standing when she just let go and took 3 steps!!!

We have been trying to get her to do it since then with no luck!  She needs to walk, she hates crawling and wants me to carry her all day.

She is also starting to copy what I say.  Today something fell to the ground and she said "ot oh" after I had said it.  Then I asked her "where are your sisters?"  and she followed me around saying "Sssiii Sssiii".

summer pictures

Strawberry Pie

Today before church the girls and I were making strawberry pie.   Sailyr asked me "mom, how do you know about church and why it's important?"

I told her, "I just know its very important for us to go."

But She kept digging, with "but who taught you?"

And I told her that my mom took me to church when I was little.

Sailyr then asked "So your mother taught you that church was important.  Who taught her?"

I told her that her mom did.

And back and back and back.

(I wanted to sit down and tell her all the stories of her rich pioneer heritage.

Of all the sacrifice and struggle our ancestors went through so that we could have the gospel.

But I knew it was too much for her and Fin, 6 and 4, on a Sunday morning in the kitchen.)

And she was very pleased knowing that my mother taught me, and her mother taught her, and her mother taught her.

Also,  Finley has lost her shoes.  I bought her new slip on shoes around Easter and 2 new sandals just a couple weeks ago.  They are no where to be found.  So she has been running around in her big winter boots the past few days.  Or she ends up just bare foot.  When we have to run in the car to the bank or something I tell her to just come barefoot since we wont be getting out.  And when we get home again she loves for me to carry her and Indie into the house together.  I usually am already holding Indie, and then Fin jumps into my other arm and clings to me like a little monkey, and squeals and giggles.

And each time, before we get into the house she looks at me and very seriously says "You are a strong woman."

I know she is just referring to me being able to carry her and Indie at the same time, but I let her words mean more than that.  And I look right at her and say "You are a strong woman too, Fin."

Then she starts squealing and giggling until I walk her up to the kitchen door.  This has happened about 3 times now.  And it startles me each time she says it to me... 😊

Strong women who teach their children about God.

The world needs more of those.

Summer weekend

We have had a fun couple of days.  The eggs that our hen has been sitting on has started to hatch.  But they are all hatching on different days, so one hatched on Thursday, then yesterday, then 2 hatched this evening.  So far we have 4 chicks and she is sitting on 2 more eggs... So we will see what happens tomorrow.  My kids have loved it!  And this is the funnest thing to watch and expierence with or without kids.  

Sailyr also had dance team tryouts.  It was not super fun, for either of us.  But she did good and we hear Tuesday if she made the team we want her on for next year.  Really, tryouts for 6 year olds is just too much.  I did not pressure her, or make a big deal out of it, but I think she could feel the crazyness of it all. 

And we got new solar LED lights for the chicken coop!  I love them!!!!