Your Hand Is Caught In The Cookie Jar, Let Go

In my scripture reading today I came across this verse

Be wise in the days of your probation; strip yourselves of all uncleanness; ask not, that ye may consume it on your lusts, but ask with a firmness unshaken, that ye will yield to no temptation, but that ye will serve the true and living God.
Mormon 9:28

Ask not that ye may consume it on your lust.  The many prayers I asked the Lord to bless me in my endevors that I did not prepare for. The many times I needed to pass a test in school as I did a last minute glance at the study guide, the only time I looked at it since receiving it.

This is one of many examples. I truly prayed for that which I truly wanted but I truly spent my time true to something else.

When I read that verse, in my minds eye the vision was not of me and what I just confessed to you. That vision came after I asked if I too was guilty of this. Not in the same magnitude as my first vision but guilty as charged.

My first vision was my siblings and my business partners gathered independently in their quite spaces praying that the Judge may rule in their favor, that their lawyer may be prepare and blessed in the arguments that he needs to present that day.
I know for the last five years I have prayed that same exact prayer. Also that I will accept the out come without an out cry. I’m getting better on that last request but not perfect.

We are taught to pray unceasingly. There is a long list of scriptures but this one is short, sweet, and to the point.

Pray without ceasing.
1 Thessalonians 5:17

Do they pray for the hand of the Lord to bless them in this endeavor, or do they know seeking a blessing that uses force and fraud to take my inheritance from me further damns their souls.  Do they avoid such words to escape their lips? Is this a plan hatched in their desires that it falls in the category of lust, therefore is hidden from the Lord in their minds?

But behold, ye cannot hide your crimes from God; and except ye repent they will stand as a testimony against you at the last day.
Alma 39:8

Over the last five years I have experienced so many emotion but when I am able to corral them, control them, and contain the contaminated ones, the emotion left standing is how I wish we could of sat down and talked, prayed together, and found the error that has brought us this far.
I have asked time and time again. That we may find the power to forgive and right this wrong. Yet it goes on. To the point of great loss. Yes loss of worldly goods. But the soul is of the most important.

Time and time again I have asked that you forsake the greed and pride that rests in your hearts and repent. Become family once again.
When this started it was a small group of thieves but to keep it progressing so many that should of remained innocent but have also signed on the dotted line. How many more are you willing to sacrifice. And for what?

Like Nephi of old taught his older brothers of the errors of their way. I too ask that you seek what
motivates you in this crime. Turn from it. And let love fill the darkness once again.

I love you and only seek for your welfare.

Over the years I have considered and been told by others that I should just drop it, walk away. Taking the easy way or the path of least resistance is not doing what is right. It lets those with
unrighteous desire to continue in their path to damnation. The one that turns from the fight is left with the sin and soiled clothes that comes from not speaking out and calling others to repentance.

As this year closes and my great desire of meeting, be it before a judge or mediator once again closes, my heart does take comfort that by the mercy of the Lord I have seen most of you in person as we have crossed paths in simple ways. For the most part it has been catching glimpses of you while we were both shopping. It brought me great joy to see you looking good and healthy.

I ask once again for you to stop this nonesense. To follow in the steps of our righteous forbearers and let this gift of inheritance bring us together. To learn through hard work and care, that we are truly blessed and loved. That even as we have differences we don’t have to be indifferent to each other. As we are learning through church, as the later days come to a close, we should council in all things. We should draw our families around us, council together, and then with prayer and understanding, accomplish that that we have decided upon.

The Lord is hastening His return. The signs are all around us. With love I plead to repent and and set this right.


Your sister in blood and the gospel.

Arrows of Blame

The boy ran nimbly as he could down the deer trail. Dodging low limbs and cat claw. Then stopped at the meadows edge to catch his breath. Across the meadow he could see the smoke rising from the chimney and he knew the rabbit he held in his hand would soon be stewed. He reached over his shoulder and straighten the quiver strap that had slipped down almost to the point of rubbing a blister on his neck, then made sure the bow was still secure.

By the time he got across the meadow he was wringing wet from the knees on down. The dew showed promise that the feed would hold out until the first frost, until then the hunting would remain good.

As the first dusting of snow came he found what his father had taught him rung true. The snow is easier to track in but the tracks would be fewer. His father had been called away to track an escape convict. He could be gone for a month maybe longer. Father and son had gathered the bounty for the family for as long as he could remember. Lessons were taught, learned, an administered.  

There were three things driven home above all the other learning,  first, respect for life, which seamed out of place as you were out to take a life. Time and time again he was taught to only kill what you eat and no more than you needed. Target practice was not to take a life. 

The second was patience. Take time to take the right shot. Not one that wounds, not hurried. Notice the breeze. Calculate how it will play for you or against you. If needs be, move to take advantage of the wind.

Third, if the shot is missed it lies solely with you.

Daylight was getting shorter, the days colder, and the prey more scarce. He silently walked with his eyes peeled for any sign. Be it prey or predator. At least he will learn the habits of both and could be on the receiving end of some other creatures loss. He went home that day empty handed but up beat for tomorrow.

Day after day he returned empty handed. His mother consoled him with stories of how years ago his dad also was honing his hunting skills and they went without, but never went hungry. There was always other things to eat besides that’s days catch. Food preserved carefully by his mother for times just as this.

“All will be fine. Be patient with yourself. Accept you are not all your going to be right now.” His mother would say.

As the sun broke over the hills on the fourth day he spotted a squirrel, low on a tree trunk. He took the shot, the squirrel rounded the trunk to the far side, his arrow missed the mark and the tree. “Stupid wind, you made me miss.

He walked on, heard a raven and took the shot. He did not miss, dead on. But his heart sank as he realized he took the life of a creature he would not eat. He soon reasoned that bird was a noisy old thing that was scaring off all his prey. 

Over the next week and a half he brought home two squirrels and a large hare. The snow fell again and started to melt by the time his father returned. 

“Son” his father said “Your mother tells me that you had some rough hunting days. Not that you didn’t bring home a kill but that you were saddened.”

“Father, I did my best but the elements were not in my favor.”

“Son I do not doubt your tried your best while I left you to do a mans job. Arrows of blame drawn from a quiver of guilt will not bring happiness.”

“Father, I don’t understand.”

His father drew a deep breath and quietly said “When we draw back our bow and let blame fly,we soon have a quiver full of reasons or excuses not to better ourselves. That son is the sin we fall prey too when we find fault in others or circumstances and not analyze what change needs to come from us first.” 

A Dogs Life

The ole dog laid in the yard sunning her self. She stood, stretched, shook off the nap, and scanned the horizon. Noting the other dogs were shaded up she trotted over to a lone tree.  I watched as she sniffed around close to where a root had come to the surface just where the dirt was a little softer.
The soil gave way as she proceeded to dig, soon she looked up disenchanted and returned to her place in the sun.

Many times I witnessed as she wandered off to repeat it over and over again. It may of been near a bush, a post, next to the barn, another tree farther down the way. Then she would return back to whence she came and fell back a sleep.

Over the years I had noticed she buried plenty. Bones, raw hide chews, a pancake, scraps of toast.  To no avail her searches came up empty. Oh she came across some things here or there, but mother earth had claimed most of it.  What bones were found had hardened and lost flavor.

As I watched day after day in hopes she'd win, find the prize she desired, I found myself obtaining a new bone for her. She mauled it for days on end then carried it off.  Taking notice that she was alone she dug a new hole, carefully placed the bone within and buried it under. 

She trotted home to lay in the sun, accomplished.  As she slept another dog stood, stretched, and ran unearthed her bone.

At times I have been that dog. The bones and scraps are people in my life. Trying to spend time with each and then storing the good memories away. Time and trials came and the bones and scraps laid idle as I waited for the sun to come out again.

Soon the sun broke loose of the dark clouds that had me encompassed. I took time to enjoy the warmth and comfort it gives. Then I went looking for bones and scraps, most were missing or lay silent.

Lately I have been given bones in the most unexpected ways. One came in such a small gesture that I cried.  I had given to one a small scrap.  I had responded to a need he had for a class.  An old dog came and questioned my scrap.  I guess I was not allowed to associate or help.  This young man wrote back "Thank you".  So simple, so kind.

Once the cold darkness of trials fades and the Son/sun has had time to work its healing, after the light has washed the shadows and those that stand in them telling you, you are of no worth, then you have great desire to grow and give again.  In time you see from a clear perspective, gain the confidence to search or reach out, to find new bones.

I found me slowly looking for small bits of kindness.  Most holes were empty, taken by others.  Dogs that felt I shouldn't have kindness in my life, but kindness prevailed, I was given new bones.

The dogs that dung up the buried bones found there was nothing of worth.  The ole girl had consumed all the good parts.  All there was left in the ground was history.  It couldn't be changed just because some desire to take it from her. It amounted to nothing to the other dog.  Dogs that try to take happiness from one another don't truly know happiness.  Robbing others for your happiness is pain that will never be satisfied.

Lot’s Wife

One evening as I wrote in my journal before going to bed I got a strong impression to study the story of Lot, most peticular his wife. We know the short of the story, she along with her husband (Lot) and their two youngest daughters were asked by angels to leave a very wicked city. They were told to be speedily about it and don’t look back. Mom looked. She became a pillar of salt. Not a pillar in the community, not salt of the earth. Which could be a good thing. Nope a pillar of salt.

Why?

More history. Lot was Abraham’s nephew. When Abraham was told to leave Egypt he took his wife and Lot and his wife. They were very blessed over time with an abundance of herds. Soon they had to part ways to have enough feed. Lot picked east toward Sodom. Abraham west.

Both men were highly favored of the Lord. Peter one of the Lords apostles speaks of Lot and compares his righteousness to Noah’s. One saved from the sins of others by water, the other by fire.

Abraham was warned of the up coming destruction to the city of Sodom. He asked if there was any righteous would they be saved. Three angels were dispatched to warn and save Lot and his family. Lot went to talk to his son-in-laws who both informed Lot that they would not be going with him.

No wonder she looked. Was it the curiosity of a city burning and all it entailed. The thought of all her friends and the fun they all had. Or was it in hopes her married daughters along with their family members might by the skin of their teeth, running to catch up.

I have for the longest time “looked back” but no more. My father told me in a dream that he had learned that I had lost much but I will gain more. That has been almost three years. I thought I had lost a lot then. But it was only a small amount.

I came across this talk from a Richard G Scott (April 2012). This is one paragraph from the talk.

Revelation can also be given in a dream when there is an almost imperceptible transition from sleep to wakefulness. If you strive to capture the content immediately, you can record great detail, but otherwise it fades rapidly. Inspired communication in the night is generally accompanied by a sacred feeling for the entire experience. The Lord uses individuals for whom we have great respect to teach us truths in a dream because we trust them and will listen to their counsel. It is the Lord doing the teaching through the Holy Ghost. However, He may in a dream make it both easier to understand and more likely to touch our hearts by teaching us through someone we love and respect.

Last night for the first time my sister that has passed on was in my dream. My mother was there also. My mother has came to me before and acknowledge my pain but when I asked her what was right she could not say and she always stood by my brother. She didn’t stand with him but she couldn’t leave him. She looked back so to speak. We truly do leave this world with what heart possessed it. She always had a different love and respect for my brother.
I have a testimony that the heart we leave this world with can change. Will learn. Does grow in light and knowledge.
My mother stood with me. She supported me. I felt having her and my sister with me while I made this choice showed that even those that have pushed me away, that there is family beyond this world that love me, watch over me, and bring encouragement and hope to me.

In this dream I was in Salt River Canyon. I drove to the highest, sharpest turn. Others on the road had long quit going any further. When I reached that spot I got out of my truck, my mother and Susan stood next to me. I turned to them and said this is how I have gotten past this hard time before. My mom said that this is the right way. I was just going to plow ahead. I pushed my truck head long off the peak and it bumped down twice. Landed perfect. We walked a few paces and got in the truck.
I am headed a way that most people don’t go. It has a couple of rough spots but after that it will be down hill.

I shouldn’t of taken so long to read about Lot’s wife. It answered many things for me. Most recent things. Like;
One Sunday as I waited out in the hall for the next class to start a kind woman came with grand baby in arms and asked “Ginny how is it going. What is the latest on your family?”

I told her two of my sons had come and helped us brand. It was a mother’s delight to be working alongside my boys and their children. I told her my daughters have contact with us but I don’t feel all the healing they need is complete. Then I said for my extended family, things are far from good. Healing is still far off because we haven’t hit our pinnacle.

I will never forget what she said. “Forget them. We can and are saved in spite of them.”

She read my heart. I have asked over and over. Why do we spend so much time as the Church of Jesus Christ finding our family that has gone on before us if we loose those that walk the earth with us. It felt like I was failing. Going to fail. Get to the end of my life and be turned away because I was turned away, shunned.

It wasn’t but a few days after this I was told to look at Mrs. Lot. I just kept delaying it. Living life can get busy, complicated, messy, and fun. I did remember a few talks over the years I had heard and didn’t want to face what answer I remember they were promoting. One that kept coming to mind was the author said she looked back because she didn’t want to leave the life style. From reading the scriptures I saw no cause for her to be judged that way.
Nope. Didn’t like that. But after my personal study of scripture also included a historical accounts study by BYU, I learned there was a lot more meat to the Bible story.

It was a father, mother, two sisters leaving family members. They loved them. Tried to warn them. Tried to save their lives but the family members were not willing to save themselves.

That is me. I have reached out to my family. Desiring to talk, desiring to mend, desiring them. I was literally turning to salt. The salty tears that ran, watered, and dripped because them.

The story of Lot and the lady at church was preparing me for one more break from them. They have pushed us away even farther. Unjustly. Very judgmental. None the less a large shove. We had asked for information regarding upcoming family events. Tom shared his sorrow of missing an event of a few years back. They don’t want us to attend any activities so they read anger instead of sorrow in our words and cut the ties we had with them.

I was prepared for this. I didn’t look back. I am saved on my own merits, not by how many call me family that walk with me upon this earth.

It isn’t that I don’t want family they don’t want me. I don’t walk, talk, and act they way they do or do as they tell me too, so, no soup for you.

Lot’s wife, why did she look. Did she love her family? Is her disobedience that turned her to salt an eternal punishment. I don’t believe so. It is all in her heart. A heart of a mother or a heart of one that longed to remain in sin. I can’t judge. I have had a change of heart. I have witnessed my mother’s change of heart. I am grateful that my father has taught me. And I am very grateful my Heavenly Father and his son love me.

Two Sisters of Prey

Two little grey balls of soft downy feathers, curled up together against the cold. 

Dark eyes and all beak, in a feather lined nest, side by side, did as they were told.

Mother so beautiful, tightly clutched in her talons was the food they would hold.

Father stood guard to protect his young, always fearlessly, tirelessly and bold.

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, the air smelled slightly of mold.

In the heat of the day the noises became wonderous and loud, it caused much fright 

The shadows moved from floor, wall, to beam, then faded into the cool of the night

Soft downy fuzz turned to feathers and such, as the nest became much too tight

Mother and father beckoned come follow me, come little ones, come and take flight.

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, anxious and restless they began to fight.

The Swallows and Sparrows would weave in and out, please come play they would all shout

The parents pushed the fledgling from the nest, they flapped their wings, cried and did pout

Dust dancing in the sunlight that peeked through the cracks, but still the tension did mount.

Smiles came and giggles erupted. Shear joy abounded as every flap of their wings did count

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, the air was refreshing, they're flying no doubt

With flight on the wing, the nest all but gone, hunters they became, with plenty more to learn

Great birds of prey, fearlessly they foraged, but prey they can become their father did warn

They soared out the doors far beyond the trees, loving the freedom, no thoughts to return

Each went their own way, life was so easy, the warnings they heard were laughed to scorn

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, for the warmth of the barn they did yearn

Many a morning other birds did gather for the stories and warnings their father would share

He taught of hawks or snakes, and of course of man with a gun or even how to spot a snare

Mother taught nest building, food gathering and hunting with the upmost alertness and care

If a squabble between Swallow or Sparrow ensued they listened to all to Know what is fair

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, gave comfort and love, helped others to bear.

The Sisters of Pray did not listen to learn, why do you hear all sides they both said with a sigh

The two had agreed that the swallows were honest, but the sparrows, they felt told lie after lie

They sat high on their perch snug in their thoughts, watching their parents high up in the sky

They hadn't returned at first light nor all that day, they knew this had to be the last goodbye.

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, the two had lost who they loved, and did cry

A disagreement began, the swallows did tell, the sparrows had no voice, they had to wait

One day high up in the hay a snake did creep, the sparrows did warn but it was taken for hate

The swallows did judge along with the sisters, until the hours had passed, it had gotton late

One sister was bitten, the other took flight, no longer a pair,what rash judgements can make

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, warnings not heeded, and it sealed their fate

All need to be heard, loved, and comforted, misunderstanding will be resolved one day

But to treat others indifferent, turn your wing from them, or believe you are better at prey

The unrighteous judgements of one or a few can frustrates the Lords plan day after day

You may be called home to stand by His side, might get called home cuz you are in the way

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, it is the perfect place to perch and pray

If Ye Love Me Keep My Commandments

A simple way to show our love for the Lord. To show respect. He gave us all if only we are willing to receive. To receive we must do as he asks.

In my Grandmother's Will there is a simple, humble plea. She has listed all she has to give to her children. There was no house or a large sum of money. She list 33 head of range cows, 2 bulls, 11 head of mixed saddle and stock horses. And all she asks;

She left a section plus and some grazing rights to other sections. At the end of her life she gave all she owned in this world and asked that they share. A simple plea. A simple way to show love and respect for her.

I have only tried to involve everyone. I offered multiple times to run a steer for each family. I romanticized the thought of us each running our own brand like our forefathers. I love the thought of sharing. I think I must of inherited that from my grandmother.

I don't know how long it took. I could go back on State and BLM leases to see what years it changed in the first generation, why some of her own children aquired the rights to grazing and some didn't. 

Were the grazing rights purchased or taken? I don't know. But they have been fraudulently taken from me and anyone else who still had them.  I am not saying this is how it was, I am saying this is how it is this generation.

I have not been quietly going down and that really upsets the family. I have been told not to discuss it while visiting with them. Yet they write me to say that others are calling them about what I wrote. Two things, why did they not tell the caller they don't want to be involved or tell the caller to call me?

Others have challenged what I wrote. And I welcomed it. Still they knew a lot about what is going on, all from the otherside. They asked no questions only took prisoners.

One other one told me she didn't want to hear anymore, then she added "We'll let the judge decide". That was long before anything was before a judge. Or I thought. That was the case where we got nothing from the court of the proceedings until they won default.

Tell me which is worse, if you have a dispute with someone and you have begged for a sit down to hear both sides but was denied so you just go ahead and tell your side in public because you know they are following you.

Or

To talk behind someone's back while telling them you don't want to get involved. And then getting involved by listening to one side but not the other.

If I don't like something I turn it off. Plain and simple. All I have asked for was resolve. I don't believe burying things under the carpet gets you anything. It ends up like the generation above me, no grazing rights. I am going down kicking. Or coming out on top grazing. 

Turn the channel or contact me if your willing to listen because I am.

If you want to see what sharing is then here are two examples. I don't know the year or the author but the brands I do recognize.

What a wonderful heritage but the legacy is questionable.

Remember above all, I love each and every one of you. 

Woman, where are those thine accusers?

In my dream I was going to a house, I went to look it over to decide if I wanted to purchase it.  It was an older home, with river rock walls.  As I got close to the front door, those that came with me (I never saw their faces, but I felt comfortable with them) kept saying "This is the right house".  Even as went inside it was repeated.  I did ask "Do you mean Right or Wright"?  There was no answer but still they said the same thing.  I did figure out they meant right.
I felt comfortable with the house.  I decided if I did stay I would move in and just change wall color here and there.  I would do it after I moved in to see if I really wanted any change.  I wasn't in love with any part of the house.  But it did feel I could become comfortable with it.

As I woke I didn't understand much of it.  I hoped it would mean I was going to get a house in New Mexico.  I thought it funny that I thought they were saying Wright house.
I didn't think much more of the dream.  I mentioned it to Tom but that was it.


Weeks later I had another dream, it also was a house with a river rock walls.  This time I went alone.  I also knew I had purchased it sight unseen.  As I opened the door I noticed that most of the kitchen cabinets were gone.  Walls were partially removed.  It was clean.  I loved it.  It had so many options for change. It felt like a challenge.  A good challenge not a dreaded one. I could finish removing the wall or put it back up.  All my choice.  I knew, me and this house was going to become old friends.


There was about one month between the two dreams. And now many more weeks have passed.  I have compared the two for a long time now.  I tried to write what was the same and then the differences. 
One day I felt impressed to research what a house in your dream means.  What I found, all agreed the house represents self. 
I told Tom I just can't see it.  It was too different houses.  The first house didn't need much work, none at all if you could accept what was already there. And people told me this is the right house.  Did they know this is what I needed?
The second house was the one I ended up with.  Even though I hadn't seen it before I purchased it.  The work inside seemed to be just what I wanted or needed even though that is not what I was shopping for.  I was slightly shocked when I opened the door but yet so receptive to it.  That is weird,  change for me is rarely welcomed.


As I started to look at these houses as self every thing started to fall in place.  A couple of times I sat down to write what I had learned but always came to a stop until more was revealed to me by some interaction that just happened in my life.  The dreams came and then the teaching moments followed.  This is the first time in over what feels like two months that I can get to the end of the explanation. The last part I couldn't understand was the "It's the right house".


The first house was one I had the choice to remain.  One where people didn't show their faces but would follow me and say "Its the right house".  A house that was comfortable but not really how I wanted it.  A few changes but still left with old influence of how it was previously.
I now know the price of the house would of been steep.  Always trying to please others is a costly move.

The second house was ready to become.  It had opportunity to live up to its full potential.  It had been torn down, humbled, and ready to rebuild, No more outside influence. 

Lately because of things I write about, people that don't show their faces have been contacting me to tell me what is right.  They have perspective from one side but not both. Just like at the first house, they hadn't even entered into my house, my self, to see what I see. They were telling what is right while outside and then again as they followed me around.
I think it is wonderful to want to help each other, don't get me wrong.  But to give advice without knowing the whole story is not advice it is an agenda.

To those faceless people who mock my dreams, calling them "imagined" , "pure fiction" and "borders on slander" , this is why you had no influence in my second house.  They are real, real dreams, warnings, and blessings. The others that are well versed in details from one side but not mine, if only you could be a face, someone that is open minded enough to want to know the whole truth to

judge.
For those who enjoy my dreams and walk with me as I learn and grow, thank you for your words of kindness.

I am so happy that I bought the second house.  I can't wait for the changes that are to come.  I once again thank the Lord in all His awesomeness that sends me dreams to help guide me through this growth.  He understands what I need long before I do.  He prepares me though my dreams.
To those that are willing to show their face, I am ever grateful you lend me an ear. I couldn't make these changes with out you. 
If there is one thing I will take away from this is you have to be more than family or friend to help people through tough decisions, you need to be a face, an ear.

May the Lord always be mindful of my needs, may He bless those around me that are willing to walk, teach, and love me.
May the hearts that bear malice be humbled and may the meek step forward in righteousness.

You Cad

STEVEN D NICOLL


This is who you are so proud to be married to?   It's too bad you have sunk so low.   12 year olds do graffiti.  
 Your mother and father cring if they are allowed to see your idiocy. 
And you wonder why no one wants you at the ranch. Everything happening to you is self caused.
When you're ready to change give me a call.  Just quit being so immature.

So I get this email from my brother.  The subject matter in bold letters and an exclamation mark after it is Grow Up.
So the mature thing to do is to contact the spouse or in this case the wife instead of the one you believe wrote this?  I always believed you faced the one who you feel has wronged you. Or does he truly believes I have wronged him by loving a man he hates.  I am the one in the wrong?

This is how it has been my whole life.  He has always tried to shame me.  Convince  me that no one likes me. That it is all my fault and if I will just change or submit to his ways he will fix it for me.
That is five things narcissistic people do.  There is quite a long list I have discovered.  

"Everything happening to you is self caused".  So explain to me why the day my mother passed I get a call from him and this is what he said "Your wish came true, your mother is dead".  What did I do to cause a callous call like that? I had her in my home and tended to her for her last three months. I was away only a few hours when she passed.  I didn't take her away from them.  I told them Tom and I would love to have her, but was told no. She was then dropped off after they decided they couldn't have her in their houses.

Explain this one.  When I asked about all of four of us children sitting down and going through our parents things I was told that they had already went through the paperwork and their personal belongings, that they would give me a change to go through other things of my parents at Patti's house an hour before the grand kids come to pick out what they want.
I was robbed of the closure I had hoped for. To sit one last time, experience and touch what they felt was important enough to hang on to it.

Or this one.  I've told this one before of how we voted on how many heifers to keep back at Cody's suggestion.  I felt it was too many.  I agreed but stated if money got tight we could sell a few.  A short time passed and was berated  by Don on why I kept so many if I was only planning to sell them. I did not sell them. I had no plans. Just wanted an option and an agreement. 

How about the time Chris told me to go get my fathers rifles because they were given to my boys and Patti was trying to give them away.  Then I was accused of stealing them and Chris said he couldn't collaborate my story until I started to be nice.  I was not mean.  I was just not obedient to their commands. 

There are so many examples of my self caused consequences.  If you don't lock step behind them, you will be rode rough shod over.  And there is no one to blame but your self.

I don't understand if everything happening to me is self caused, by what law or act of nature can cause your siblings to fraudulently take your inheritance away.  Even if I was to yell at them every time we passed each other, or even maim or harm them, that does not give the other party the right to use fraudulent means against them.  Fraud is fraud, it has a motive and the motive is self justification, not justified.

His line in the email about my parents, I don't know if he meant crying or cringing but to state "if they are allowed",  I have two questions, has he lost faith that those who have passed on don't watch what we do to each other?  Wait to help us?  Or has he convinced himself they don't so he can put distance between him, his acts, and his parents taking notice.

I don't understand how a person can spend so much energy tearing down the spouse of another in the eyes of the one who is married to them. Why that same energy is't used to find some good in someone that is now part of your family.  I have been told before that I could come back to the ranch but Tom needs to wait three years and they would revisit the matter.  I have been told to divorce him also. They will not speak to Tom.  They just keep after me.  I have begged for a mediator.  I truly have nothing in my conduct that is dishonest or malicious toward them.  There will always be misunderstandings, but to not allow a third party to sit in, is fear.

The other day I looked up the word Cad as I bounced around watering my cattle.  That is my time when I really get to relax and think.  I remember it being used in old movies and such.  Most sites agreed  on this meaning: a man who behaves dishonorable, especially toward women. Some had a bit more to say.
I decided that name works perfect for my situation, Cody Anthony Don Steve.  These have been pure cads toward me.

The old adage of birds of a feather flock together is very true when it comes to narcissist.  They really do get along.  Even prefer each other over us nonconformist. 

I think one of the saddest things that has come out of all this isn't that I have to fight to retain my inheritance, that is a given with the history of all the previous generations.  The saddest is how my Uncle Cap and my Uncle John's families to win this fraud engrossed range war have left out all the other children or grandchildren in their families so only Cody and Don inherit the deeded land and grazing rights.  
It is a tangled mess that our lawyers are having to undo but some how Steve looks on paper that he too owns my dads whole seventh. 

If it walks like fraud and sounds like fraud believe me it shits like fraud.

God Speed

I had a vision, it was like looking at a painting as I walked by. So much information was processed in such a short time. I saw a table that was kidney shaped, like what we had in elementary school for the teacher to teach in small groups, I was sitting on the concave side.

The table was laden with plates of food. It wasn't comfort food. The food was what you would see in a Thanksgiving meal. There was a plate of finely sliced turkey, one heaping with mash potatoes, a gravy bowl, slices of pies, cornbread dressing and much more to choose from.

It was very presentable and appetizing. I was in no hurry to eat. I knew it wouldn't spoil or get cold. It would just wait until I was ready to partake. 

Beyond the laden table was a hall with high walls. The hall was so long I couldn't see the end of it but what I did notice, there was no windows or doors. There was no choice but to move forward, no distraction.  It was well lit, even as far as I could see it never got dark. The floor was a very smooth cement.

As I sat and looked at the food, my thoughts were of two fold. Being that it is a Thanksgiving meal, it inspired me to think of gratitude or blessings. I had a hard time wanting to acknowledge what was placed before me. To do so would make me feel like a hypocrite. Many times I had seen the hand of the Lord in my life, received blessings, or small acts of mercy. When I get depressed the Lord is the first one I turn from. 

Another reason I wasn't interested in the food was I didn't want to move past these blessings. Not that I feared because I couldn't see any others down the hall. Those would come as needed. I feared the long hall and what strength it will take to start down that journey. The growth that is in store every time we progress usually comes from pain. Growing pains that are beyond the pain our bodies felt in our youth, but the pains in our heart as we experience life.

The floor was a finished cement. It reminded me of the cement on our front porch of Tom and ours first house. One day I was out front with my kids visiting with neighbors. A clap of thunder rang loud and close, at the same moment the skies opened up and poured buckets. We ran to the house. I had a baby in my arms and hit that cement, my feet flipped up from under me, I twisted in such a way to land on my back and head all the while squeezing the baby into my chest.

That cement in the long hall reminds me of something unstable. That, as hard as I try to do right, I might get hurt doing good things. That I might have to face pain that others can't take from me or help me heal. I will have to not depend on the arm of flesh but solely upon the Lord. Trust in the Lord does not come easy for me. But I think my trial by fire is coming.

Tom and my therapist have for a long time asked me to think or write of my blessings. To think of all the good that has happened over my life instead of only seeing the bad or pain.

I think this vision warns me of the long walk I am going to have to take alone. That to proceed I will need to fuel up. Not on food. What I am entering is not feast or famine it is fight and flight. I need fuel that I can build a protective layer around my heart, a layer of fuel I can use to feed my brain. I need assurance that no matter what the Lord loves me, even though those I love seemed to not care a bit for me. I am a thorn in their side, a burr under their saddles.

When my lawyer sent me the paperwork to review that I was pursuing my cousins, brother, and sisters for conspiring to take my right to land and grazing for my cattle the first thought that came to my mind was, Powder yet balls boys, it's going to be a long ride.

I see that in the hall. The length of it is amazing but what is even more amazing is to have light as far as the eye can see. It is the truth that will be revealed. Truth is light. Some of this light may come out as misunderstandings, others maybe misrepresentation, and still more may be pure deception and lies. 

There are five different counts that will need to be addressed and ruled upon in my court papers. I believe it will take a long time to get through it. I will need strength. That is what the Lord is revealing it to me. I will need to feed on these blessings to persevere. I am the only plaintiff listed, alone to speak on behalf of my inheritance that has been tried, taken, or manipulated from me. I stand against five people and three listed entities. This seems overwhelming to me. But if I can square my shoulders like that little girl from my dream in my youth, I will come out on the other side a better person. 

That is if the cement floor doesn't get me.

The first blessing that comes to mind is Tom. He believes me and he has long believed in me. He loves me. His greatest strength is his desire to fight for what is right. Every challenge is met with such power. I have a great asset in him. I am not a fighter. But I can with him in my corner.

Jesse and Amanda are a blessing. They both put their shoulder to the wheel, even when I am knocked so low all I do is argue and sleep.

My dreams have been a great comfort and tender mercy to me. The anxiety I feel weeks or days before something devastating happens prepares me to hold on tighter when it hits. I know that is a warning from the Lord so my knees only buckle enough to fall so far instead of being knocked off my feet.

The one cousin that lets me talk. She has been there when I needed to know if I was crazy. 

My dear friend that contacts me when I need to know I exist. I don't know how she does it but just "hey how ya doing" is always at the perfect time.

The many warnings that something was amiss with our cattle.

I have seen the hand of the Lord in the rulings of the judge so far in a previous case. I thought all was lost with the part he ruled in their favor but as weeks went by I see the ruling they got set a precedent for how the other two rulings will proceed. 

This winter being mild was a blessing for me. Having to haul water would have been really hard in adverse conditions. 

We have been blessed with honest lawyers and the means to afford them. They have even hired people that had previously work in an area of expertise that is very beneficial to us. What a great blessing and asset they will be to our lawyers.

The many times my father has given me confirmation and comfort during this long arduous trial.

The notes I get from almost strangers that tell me what comfort my writing about my trials brings to them. They don't feel alone in theirs.

Scripture and scripture stories bring me comfort. Reading the prophesy of the last days and my patriarchal blessing brings reassurance that the Lord is aware and watching, comforting and orchestrating my trial for my growth. 

Violence isn't the worst thing in the world. Being apathetic is.

          Henry's Book (movie)

This morning I prayed to understand misunderstandings or patience until I do

A friend of mine posted a picture of a sign in her kitchen, it read;

THE GREATEST GIFT U CAN GIVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IS TO HAVE THEM FEEL HEARD BY YOU

This struck me with delight. Pure genius. Those are the exact words I have been anguishing over for years now, but I couldn't form it into a sentence.

A couple of years back I got an email from my sister Patti, all it said was, Your a two faced witch.

I emailed her back asking what I had done. She sent a reply, You know what you have done.

I didn't at that time, but in a few days of meditation and prayer I think I know what set her off. We leased a section with a windmill and drinker on it and started running our own brand. Just thinking out loud but it is alright to be pushed away from running cattle with the family but not to run your own.

So badly I wanted to hear her out. I truly belief in the gift of listening.

One day I heard that my other sister Nancy had gone to a hearing to testify to the character of my husband. This hearing had nothing to do with her and the judge saw no reason to call on her.

I called her and asked what could I ever done to hurt her that she would go to do something like that.

I needed to know how I could of hurt her so.

She remained silent but was still on the line. After an awkward silent I said in a very hushed voice something that preyed upon my mind but never left my lips. Oh those close to me could read the signals or hear it in my words but this was the first time I admitted it.

I said. Nancy, I think of suicide. 

The line went dead. She hung up. Once again I wanted to know what I had done.

I went to the ranch one last time to pick up my cows and calves that were running with the herd from when my father was still alive and managing the ranch.

Steve hollered, What are you doing here, you need to leave right now.

I answered that I had come to claim my cattle.

He said he didn't hear me but nothing I said was worth listening too.

I tried to give the gift of listening. I always asked "What have I done, or how have I hurt you"? 

I had gotten back in black. The black not in a financial way but the black that comes when you are lost in confusion.

Our lawyers had been checking how my ranch partners had crossed all the "t's" and dotted all the "i's" and found enough evidence to file against them in Superior Court. Like my lawyer said "This is nothing but a f*** you Ginny" by my family. 

My latest struggle was, my two sisters are widows. If there is anything the Lord talks about caring for as much as the little children it is widows.

I had the hardest time trying to swallow that pill. But they signed papers that threw me aside, that took my inheritance from me. They were part. Could I press charges only toward the men? Can we pick only a few out of a bunch to prosecute? 

This tore me up inside. I soon had to bite the bullet and file against them all or none at all.

Between that and other things that just previous to this had happened,Tom had no choice but to ask me to return to therapy. 

As we visited I told him of my sister hanging up on me. He asked me how did that make me feel and why would she do that. 

I felt I was of no worth. I called to see if I needed to amend for something. I reach out to someone I loved with the fear that had started gripping at me. I told him that it just told me that no one cares why should I.

He said what it tells him is she felt guilty for something and didn't want to face it at that time.

I find myself not wanting to believe my therapist. To believe there has to be undeniable facts or the want to believe. That is how we believe in Christ and/or believe Christ. We want too or there are factors in our life that we can not deny Christ.

When you believe more in others than yourself it destroys the truth that is placed in front of you.

I told him how I struggled with my sisters being widows. That they are special to the Lord. 

Even Christ upon his death asked for his mother to be taken care of. He knows and understands the plight of the widow.

I had to come to the recognition that widows are to be taken care of, they are not perfect. They make choices that are not pure in heart.

At the close of our session I said I think I could get along better in life if I quit reading the scriptures. They put conflict in my brain.

He said that would not be a good choice.

Ok, I'll keep reading them.

A day before General Conference for the Chuch of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints started I wrote down seven statements or questions that I needed answered. The first one I asked the Lord if I had His blessing on where the family pursuit was going. As I listened to all the sessions many things were answered and others enlightened but that first question still remains unanswered.  As the last session closed, our newly sustained Prophet stood to speak. In one small part he quoted from the song Let Us All Press On.  I heard many angels shout as he said "In the fight for right let us wield a sword, The mighty sword of truth."

My whole fight has been for truth. The Lord rejoices in truth. In spreading it and defending it. To uphold those stand upon it and to expose those that defile it.

Somethings are so ironic. On Facebook over a period of days I watched as many friends posted pictures of their siblings. I thought of mine. How I wish it was different not indifference between us. As sadness started it long strangle hold upon me, my lawyer called, my two sisters had been served. I won't lie, I did rejoice. When you have the blessing of the Lord it helps to face the most difficult situations. My happiness comes from the thought that we will be heard.

May truth prevail and may we all one day give the gift of being heard.

Uncle

One day out of the blue the thought came to me "Uncle".  I had had enough, I wanted to cry Uncle. I looked up and told the Lord "Uncle".

For the longest time anytime we worked our cattle, which means pushing them through "their's" to get to the ranch, then they would call the sheriff to report us for cattle rustling.  They didn't gain anything from it. It ate ten minutes of our day. Just gets old. 

Then they got a false judgement that stated we weren't allowed on a state section. A county judge can't take a state right away from a state leasee. But judges from my view only know power and not the laws or constitution. So now the cattle rustling accusations have faded to the back ground and the trespassing accusations have ensued. 

They set a trap to lure us onto said section. Jesse went to gather personal belongings on that section. A deputy was dispatched. But no citation given. Jesse was threatened with arrest. So badly he wanted to be. It would force this boil to a head and we could push against this contention and release the puss. But Jesse was sent on his way.

Then Tom was on the section and a deputy was dispatched. Tom was cited for trespassing. Yes, we have a day set in front of a judge. 

We have been trying to fight against all this corruption but it takes a lot of paper filing, motions, waiting periods. But if you get cited it gets to a judge in less than thirty days. 

Thank you Anthony for being a diligent snitch and thank you Cody for having the Apache County sheriff on speed dial and big thanks to Chris in the ranch truck always following us in the distance.

Well before this blessed day could arrive the false trespassing order put on by a judge in Apache County was answered by the State Attorney General. 

It was all bologna. The top has spoken. The county can not take the right of a State Lessee away. Like our lawyer said, it is like you renting a house to someone but never giving them the keys. We still have to meet in front of a judge to get the county schooled.

My cry for Uncle was answered. We spent three days on the sacred section and not once got a call for trespassing. They got their letter in the mail. Blessed day.

But they have moved back to cattle rustling. Now to get the sheriff deptment to refer all these calls to the proper authorities. The state cattle inspectors. That will put egg on the face of those who call in false reports. But of course they know that, that is why they report it to the wrong agency. Think I will gather all the false reports and take them to the State myself.

I have learned it is better to cry Uncle to the right authority than wolf to the wrong one. 

Facing Forward

One of my first memories of ranch life is sitting in the cab of the truck with my mother.  A Well was down or in layman's terms, not working or simple terms, the damn thing wasn't pumping.
My mom would drive the truck forward as she watched in the mirrors for a signal to stop.  She was short in height but she must of been long in patience. She was constantly adjusting the mirrors to find who was to signal when to stop.  Well it wasn't that easy.  When to stop, When to back up. Slow down. Just a little more.  Don't move. Move.
The signaler wasn't designated.  Any of one of the men (Uncle Cap or my dad) could make a hand gesture and she had to catch the slightest movement out any one of the three mirrors in her view.
She was always moving the mirrors to find the men.  See they were always moving around to their advantage of pulling the sucker rod out, and attaching the heavy coupler to the next section, then driving the truck forward or back just a little more to lay the sucker rod aside and start pulling the next one from the hole.

It was a long day of driving forward to pull a section of sucker rod out, attach the coupler to the next section, taking the two sections apart, releasing the top coupler, driving backwards to switch the chains to the bottom coupler, taking the top coupler off, driving forward to pull up the next section of sucker rod only to now be on step one again. Thus she was always watching in her mirrors for signals from people that always moved out of the range of her sight.

Don't worry, if she missed the slight hand gesture both of those men could yell the demand in a loud booming voice that out weighed any noise that happened to accompany this delicate job.  Usually a curse word was attached to emphasize the importance of the tedious operation that was being performed.

This was like taking your small intestines slowly through your large intestines all the while trying to diagnose where the blockage is so they could correct why your not moving your product through your pipes.  The kicker was if they found the bent or broken rod only two or maybe three down you still had to pull them all out and replace the leathers. The leathers were the end of the line.  They get worn down with every pump of the sucker rod. It just proved safer to replace them.  Then you slowly put your small intestines back through your large intestines and hope it worked or you start all over. It is very time consuming and delicate.  The trick was not to make it worse than what your were trying to fix.

After it was all put back they would test it out by attaching the pump jack.  The pump jack was a heavy piece of equipment.   If you've ever seen a picture of the oil fields with that thing attached to the oil pipe that went up and down to move the sucker rod, that is what I am talking about. If the wind don't blow, the windmill don't pump.  So you had a pump jacks.  Now a days you have an electric pump at the bottom.  You don't depend on just wind.  You become god of the Well and dictate when you will have water.  But the job of pulling the well is even more delicate because you now have the electric cord running down the hole next to the pipes.  Kinda like a main artery that can burst if your not extra careful.  Not to many wells remain wind and electric.  Most times they pull the sucker rod out and go solar.  But for cloudy days you still need a generator.

But to get back to my story.  It was long day of pulling it and putting it back together.  They had this down to an almost science.  But I do remember having to pull it twice, once.  That is a feeling of despair. Coming back the next day and starting all over again. 

One time I remember driving out to the mill with my mom.  The mill needed pulling.  The men went out early to haul the tools out and get things ready.  One would have to climb up the windmill tower and attach a chain and pulley to the center. To that the coupler was attached to a chain and the first sucker rod.
We arrived and my mom started to back up the truck and center it to the windmill.  A big shout went out to turn around and drive in. Forward.

Not thinking anything my mom did just that.  They secured the chain to the front of the truck.  I think I witnessed a tear in my moms eye.  After all these years she could drive back and then forward, while keeping an eye on the men (not in the mirror).  This day hardly a word was spoken.  Before long she could out guess the next move and already be slowing down to where she needed to come to a stop.

For the longest time we have been adjusting our mirrors.  Looking at what was behind us. Glancing forward to make sure we were going in the right direction.  Making the same ole ruts.  Staying on course.  Keeping in line. But we have turned the truck around.  Now our view is clear.  Now we can start making the calls.

I don't know if the well will be fixed.  Having full view had no effect on the repair.  It just made it easier to endure. 

Instead of turning our cheek time and time again to keep up with the task.  We are now going to push back.  Our day of reckoning is here.  We have lived on the defense for too long.  If your a family member that hasn't unfriended me for being on the defense, I'll warn you you will not like what you see on offense.

The last thing our Lawyer said was "You may not get all you want but you will have at least pound of flesh".