God's love

Today in sunday school I had a really powerful spiritual experience. I was barely able to keep my emotions in. We were talking about the creation and how you can read and learn about the creation in four different places. Three are scriptural references found in Abraham, Moses and Genesis. The last is what we learn when we go to the temple. When we were talking about the creation, we were reading in Moses 1: 30&31. Moses asks the Lord why these things are so and what made them. And The Lord said to Moses, face to face, "For mine own purpose have I made these things. Here is wisdom and it remaineth in me." Which made me think of a Mother or Father telling their child that it is so because they say it is so. Which makes Heavenly Father even more relatable to us. But this is where the Lord teaches us that we need to have faith and trust in him. He gives Moses more knowledge of the heavens and earth, who created it, who the first man was, etc. He does this for Moses so that he will have comfort and trust in the Lord.

As I was hearing all of this during sunday school, I was overwhelmed with the spirit. My testimony that my Savior and my Heavenly Father love me was increased immensely. Whenever I have struggled in these past couple of months since my niece passed, I have turned to the scriptures, to prayer or just pleaded with God to help me feel better, to help me know that Jane is okay and that I will see her again. That we will all see her again. Every single time I have asked, I have gotten an answer... EVERY SINGLE TIME. There has not been one time that I haven't been comforted by the Holy Spirit. All I had to do was ask for that comfort, that knowledge that Jane is okay and it was given to me.

There is no doubt in my mind that God lives and that he LOVES US. He really loves us, so much so that he personally sends the spirit to us when we are aching and hurting and need his love with us. I remember my mom telling me when she went through a very hard time of her life that she was so close to the spirit that she felt like God was holding her hand every day and helping her through each and every step she had to take. The Savior made it possible for me to enjoy life on this earth, He suffered and died so that I can rest easy and know I will be able to be with my loved ones for eternity.

I'm so thankful for the amazing people in the Church who prepare these lessons that have such an amazing affect on my soul. I'm thankful for Sundays, for the spiritual renewal, the physical rest, the family time and the chance to renew covenants I've made with my dear, sweet Lord. His love is apparent in my life now more than ever and I'm so thankful he has patiently waited for me to wake up and realize that I need him in my life daily, even hourly.

Sweet baby Jane

It has been two months today since my niece, Jane, went back to her Father in Heaven. Maybe that is why I have been so emotional today. I decided it's time to post these thoughts I have been writing over the past couple of months so that others can know what I have gone through and learned.

If you know me at all, you know how much I love my family. I was a little nervous to write a post about Jane because I'm not the most eloquent writer and a lot of times my thoughts get all jumbled up. But here we go...

When I first found out that I was pregnant with Troy, I was a little nervous, mostly excited, but nervous as well. Probably because it was my first pregnancy and I didn't know what I was doing. I was also so thankful though because my sister was pregnant too! We found out right away that our babies were due on the same day! Crazy! I was so excited and felt like God was blessing us to be able to do this together and have that bond as sisters. When she found out she was having a baby girl I was so happy for her. She has two little boys already and I knew this little girl would be treasured and protected for her entire life, and she was.

Eliza Jane Clark was born on October 1st, 2012. She was the sweetest little mini-me of my sister Christy, right down to the crooked newborn nose. She was a mama's girl right from the start. But she loved her daddy so much too. I always loved watching Bryan hold Jane. It was such a sweet sight. Nothing like a daddy holding his baby girl.

 I fell in love with her the first time I even knew she existed and even more so when I first held her in my arms. My sister and I have a bond and really love each others kids like they are our own. I consider her children to be somewhat mine. I love to love them.

Jane passed away on November 16th, 2013 from what we believe to be bacterial meningitis. The coroner still has yet to release the cause of death but it was pretty apparent that it was meningitis. It was a completely unexpected death. We miss her so much it hurts. Spiritually, emotionally and even physically. I remember when I first heard of her passing, I couldn't stop crying. I was distraught. Todd and I were in the car just leaving Home Depot. I couldn't believe it. I was screaming a little bit and Todd was just saying "No...NO NO NO!" We both were aching for my sister, my brother-in-law, our nephews and our sweet baby Jane. I cried and cried and CRIED for hours. I wanted so badly to hold my niece one more time and to be with my sister. We went to my mother-in-laws home and she held me while I sobbed. She comforted us with stories of Todd's fathers passing and shared her testimony of eternal life. She really is such an amazing woman. I'll never know how I ever got so lucky to have met Todd and gained such a wonderful family by marrying him.

After we mourned for a few hours, we all piled in my Dad's car. "We" being my brother, Zach, his wife, Staci, my Dad, Todd, Troy, and I. We drove to Barstow and stopped for food. When we got out of the car, I remember thinking I should start a fund for Christy and Bryan and as soon as I turned on my phone, I saw that my sweet friend, Tara had already started one! And it already had $600 dollars in it! I was so amazed and so happy that there were people out there that cared for my sister and her family! I read heartfelt messages from family and friends that helped me to know that I wasn't alone in mourning for my niece. So many people were touched by her sweet spirit and were mourning along with us.

When we got to my sister's home, I just wanted to see my sister and hold her. I was so worried about her. We spent the rest of that Saturday night at her home with all of the family that was in town. Then we stayed in a hotel that night and the following day we spent time over at my sisters home. Playing with the boys, mourning some more and crying all day. Christy's wonderful bishop came over to answer some questions they had about Jane and the spirit world. All I remember feeling while listening to him speak was that this man is telling truth. We will see our dear Jane again. She is safe in heaven with God and our Savior watching over her. She will grow spiritually and my sister and brother-in-law will be able to raise her when the Savior comes again. They will get that opportunity someday. We all will see her again. We have our guardian angel in heaven. We have our reason to not fear death but to rejoice when we die because we will see sweet Jane.

That Sunday night before my Dad, Zach, Staci, Blake and Todd all left to go back to Vegas, we had some incredible spiritual family time together. I've never felt the spirit stronger in my life then during this time of Jane's passing. Just seeing the emotion on my Mom and Dad's face, really everyones face. I knew everyone around me was missing her just as I was, and am. I don't know that this longing to see her again will ever get easier. I miss her so much it is overwhelming. Sometimes I just close my eyes and try to remember how she felt,  how she smelled, her soft blonde hair and her cute little nose. Her dainty little fingers and her sweet smile. I am usually okay and can hold my emotions inside me but every now and then I just cry and cry because it just seems like it's not real.

I was able to spend the week at Christy's home in California. That was a hard week. I tried to keep the house clean and also be there for Christy emotionally or whenever she needed me. That was hard for me, I didn't know when I should go snuggle her or say something or not say something. Then she told me the sweetest thing. She said "I was just thinking if before this life God had planned for me to go through this trial, I know either I or He must have chose you to be my sister because I couldn't do this without you." Then I knew that I was doing exactly what I needed to help out and that was just to be there.

I'm thankful for the knowledge of the Gospel. Never in my life before have I needed the Gospel as much as I do now. Never have I understood the atonement of our Savior more than I do now. I am SO thankful for this knowledge, because it is really the ONLY thing that eases this pain and hard time.

I am excited for the second coming, for the resurrection, for the moment when our family will be reunited with Jane. Sometimes I picture the perfect reunion in my head and it is always me looking on as my sister and her husband are holding their sweet Jane again. And then I get to hold her too! :)   It really is incredible how much I love that little Jane. In her one year on earth I fell so completely in love with her. I'm so thankful for the bond I share with my sister and that I can love her kids like they are my own.

 Of all the hard times we've been through during these past couple of months, the sobbing and the saddness, we have had so many good times. Good people and friends sharing their love with us, their prayers, their time, their tears and everything that they could possibly share. Heavenly Father has blessed us so abundantly with the Holy Spirit. I am more sure then anything that God grieves with us, even though this is his plan, I know he mourns with us when we are hurting. That's what makes it so much easier to pray and turn to the Lord when I need comfort, because I know he can give that comfort to me.