In the Middle of the Night

My heart has been heavy the last couple of days--actually weeks. Everytime I lay down to go to sleep, my mind begins to dig up various things to worry about. It has been my practice the last 2 weeks to lay down in bed and then get up in an hour from my restlessness and pray. During these moments of prayer, I find myself spilling my guts to God about everything that is on my mind. In the midst of these encounters and moments of worry, God continues to show me his presence in my longings for clarity. He continues to provide great comfort in that he has always kept his promises and has always remained faithful.

The concept of faith has consummed my thoughts of late. I realize more and more that the greatest security comes from complete reliance upon the Father. The scripture that continues to reside within me is, "Anything that is not done in faith is sin." The other is a statement that I heard Bob Russell quote from J. Oswald Sanders, "Disobedience always creates complications." My humble prayer is that God will give me the wisdom and strength to respond to his summonds with obedience and passion.

Grandma Tour Continues

It is day 6 of our Christmas vacation tour. We have seen 3 out of the 5 grandmas and we are off again tomorrow to see Grandma Otte. This time of year is always relaxing for me. Despite the countless hours of traveling, the numerous meals of leftovers and the marathon of sporting events that you only half-heartedly care about there is just something special about being with family. In some ways, it is the reconnection that you have with the people you love the most and the retelling of stories that you have heard a million times. I don't know what it is but I just love it.

Yesterday I went with the family to the Bass Pro Shop. If you have never been there it is pretty much the redneck disneyland. As I looked around the room I realized that there were more people than teeth in the room. That isn't necessarily a bad thing but it probably isn't a good thing either.

I hope you all have a Happy New Year.

Finding Theology in All the Wrong Places

This post will probably come across as a jumbled mess mixed in with some constipated thoughts and very few circus midget references. Sorry if I lose anyone along the way.

Thought #1: I was watching Home Alone II last night and Kevin's mom said something that has stuck with me...I mean beyond the thought of how someone could leave their kid home alone during Christmas 2 freaking years in a row. But that isn't important right now. As you know Kevin is lost in New York and as she is searching for him, these cops come up to her and tell her that she is wasting her time. "Its like finding a needle in a haystack lady" says the cop. Kevin's mom then shoots back, "what would you do if it were your kid?" I know this may sound like something that isn't too big a deal but it got me to thinking about children around the world. What if it was my son or daughter who was lost? What if they didn't know Jesus? What if it were my daughter who hadn't eaten in 3 days? What if it were my son who lived within a people group that had never had the word of God translated into his language?

Thought #2: While watching season 4 of the West Wing (I am hooked to this show by the way), the President is wrestling with what to do when it appears that genocide is taking place amongst two warring tribes in Africa. While out for a walk Pres. Bartlett runs into one of his advisors. Speaking hypothetically, Pres. Bartlett asks, "why is it that an American life is more important than an African life." His advisor, Will Baily, responds by saying, "It just is." I wonder how much of this kind of thinking is still prevalent in our churches...and even more profoundly --how much of this kind of thinking resonates within me? Do I fully believe that all people are God's children and equally worthy of His grace? Do I fully want all people to know God as much as I do the rich white kids enrolled in my college. May God have mercy. As you can see, there is something growing deep within the fiber of my soul. I am wanting to make a more concentrated effort towards world evangelism. May God give me clarity.

Thought #3: How many times do you have to get hit in the crotch by a paint can before you take the money and run? This goes back to the Home Alone thing but didn't seem to fit in the mood of the first thought.

Thought #4: I have had some crazy roller coaster moments with my daughter the last couple of days. I have been on top of the mountain in getting to spend some extra time with her as Lindsay heals from her surgery. Through this time, I can understand how much more God loves us his little ragmuffin kids. Sometimes I just look at my daughter and laugh with delight. I wonder what it was like before we had her and I honestly can't remember. In conjunction with the highs, I have also had 2 sleepless nights and frustrations of trying to figure out what this little kid is wanting from me and why she keeps on crying for no apparent reason. I then wonder how God doesn't drop rocks on all of us.

Thought #5: My grandpa told me he was proud of me last night. I was speechless. He has never told me this before. I always sort of thought that he thought I was throwing my life away. As he talked to me, I can tell that he has been walking with God. As some of you know, this has been one of my most heartfelt prayers over the years. I just wanted to see my grandpa in heaven. I now feel that he knows and loves God!

A Then a Hero Comes Along

Greg Taylor saved a woman's life yesterday. I know I poke fun at GT from time to time (mostly with Jimmy Buffet references) but the guy did an amazing thing yesterday. While driving to church, Greg noticed a car tipped over. He called 911 and they proceeded to tell him that he was the first to call in this accident. GT then noticed that a woman was still in the car. The 911 operator told him to stay with the lady until the paramedics could arrive. As Greg approached the scene, he noticed that the car was starting to smoke. Greg then pushed the car over and pulled the lady out. Within minutes, the car caught on fire. GT totally saved her life.

Here's to you GT. May you continue to have many many cheeseburgers in paradise.

Just Call Me Costanza...

So, I'm standing in the Registrar's office going over my list of who is naughty and nice in the world of Mentored Ministry when my contact gets caught in my eye. I hate it when this happens. Its sort of in eye purgatory. It's not exactly on the eye and it's not exactly in the eye lid. As I am trying to get my contact to adjust to fix my blurry vision, the president walks through and makes a joke about a fellow colleague who is always complaining about something or another. Right at that moment, I tried to fix my contact but then realized that it came across as a wink. Why in the crap am I winking at our president? Everyone then feels awkward. At least I think they feel awkward. I can't see remember. But their presence exuberates awkwardness.

I wish that were the worst of it. I then walked into the restroom and before I could explain my situation, I'm pretty sure that I winked at 3 guys who were relieving themselves. Yep. I'm pretty much am now "the guy who winks at people in the bathroom."

Crap.

Praises

God is good. Lindsay came through her surgery with no complications. Thank you all for your prayers. Today was an emotional one. I am constantly reminded by how gracious our God is and how he uses dear friends to minister to us. Thank you all for your love. You are dear to me.

Toad

Prayer Request

Would you please pray for Lindsay tomorrow? She is having her thyroid removed. Please pray that God will bring her peace tonight in anticipation of her surgery and that God will be merciful in bringing her through safely. I will put my trust in the Lord.

Prayer Request

Would you please pray for Lindsay tomorrow? She is having her thyroid removed. Please pray that God will bring her peace tonight in anticipation and that God will be merciful in bringing her through this. I will put my trust in the Lord.

Things that make you go, hmmmm....

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. -- Alvin Tofflery

The Snowbird

Apparently there was a snowbird sighting a few nights ago. I don't know what it is about this mythical bird but it makes Holers do the craziest of things. Much in the fashion of the Sirens in Homer's Odyssey, this snowbird's call will beckon mere mortals to drop all that they are doing--and sometimes wearing--in the pursuit of possessing this bird as their own. Legend has it that whoever can catch this bird will be offered a seat on the Bible Theology Field. Just ask Neil Windham.

I remember the first time this mythical bird called me out of my beloved dormroom. It was a little past midnight and all was calm on the Western front. But sudenly a shout rang out from the depths of one man's tormented soul. "Snowbird!" Excitement raced up and down the dorm. Slumber halted and adreniline flowed like Bourbon in an alcoholic's dream.

When the starter's pistol sounded, I took my first step towards immortality. I was going to be the one to bring home this bird home to roost. But the ice covered snow was too much for my chubby little legs to handle and down I went. It wouldn't have been too bad if Chewy hadn't stepped on me and shoved my face into the snow. But nonetheless I persevered and took off running around the ----

THIS POST HAS BEEN SACKED BY THE ORDER OF THE INNER SANCTUM. THE SNOWBIRD DOES NOT EXIST. IT NEVER HAS EXISTED AND TOADIE IS A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

Integrity of the Self

"When we listen primarily for what we 'ought' to be doing with our lives, we may find ourselves hounded by external expectations that can distort our identity and our integrity. There is much that I 'ought' to be doing by some abstract moral calculus. But is it my vocation? Am I gifted and called to do it? Is this particular 'ought' a place of intersection between my inner self and the outside world or is it someone else's image of how my life should look?" --Parker Palmer

Get Your Own Remote...Gosh

"I grew up watching tv and I turned out tv." --Homer J. Simpson

Going for Broke

I'm doing a lot of searching right now. Yesterday in chapel, George Ross preached an amazing sermon from Esther in which he challenged us to "go for broke" in our service to God. I can't seem to shake that comment out of my thoughts and prayers. What would that look like in my life?

Sometimes I feel like I am holding back but I can't put my finger on what it is that I am holding.

Its Just a Manic Monday...

I have a new boss. I don't know if the school is letting people know at this point that we have a new academic dean but I do know that I don't want to be the guber guy who decides to put classified information on my blog and then get fired. I would much rather get fired and then start posting clacified information on this blog. Which reminds me, did you know that I have files on pretty much everyone who went to LCC? Don't worry, I haven't gone through them...yet.

In other news...
I am way too in to the Hot Stove Reports. I don't know if it is the juicy gossip of what Major League teams are doing, my longing for St. Louis to win a championship or if I have some major mental illness that makes me check all these websites. I just absolutely love hearing what MLB teams are doing with their wheeling and dealing.

While we are talking sports, I am still a huge Lakers fan. I don't know why or how. I know it is the popular thing right now to pile on Kobe Bryant and the Lakers with a lot of hate but I still find myself wanting the Lake Show to return.

2) I am so excited that Notre Dame Football is back. I think they have been one of the most fun teams to watch in all of college football. I just became a fan in the last 3 years when Ty Willingham took over the program. I still think he got hosed but I love where they are heading.

3) Can the Rams get any worse? Awwwww.

4) The Illini make me nervous. I don't know if you saw the game on Saturday but they didn't score a single point for 7 minutes into the game. For all of you non-sports fans, that is the equivalent of JK Jones not reading a book for 3 months.

5) I secretly like the Memphis Grizzlies. I think it is the Eddie Jones/Shane Battier combination. When I got the free pay-per-view, I found myself choosing them over every team.

6) I saw a movie with Jim Carey last night called, "Eternal Sunshine." I found the ending to be fascinating. Has anyone else seen this movie? I forget most people see movies more than once a month but this movie was just a wonderful concept.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease

Go Ahead Make My Day

Yesterday while I was at class, two of our work study assitants had the bejeebers scared out of them by a man who walked into the Mentored Ministry Office proclaiming in a raspy voice, "Today is the day that I make my move." Without saying another word, the man casually moved past the receiptionist and walked into my darkened office and just stood there motionless. The student at the front desk "E" then motions to the other student "C". After gaining "C's" attention "E" whispers to "C" that there is a man standing in the dark who has just proclaimed that "Today is the day that he will make his move." The whole time that the man is standing in my darkened office the students are overcome with fear as they run through all of the potential possibilities that "Today is the day that I make my move" could possibly mean. They knew that there were some students that were upset with me about LCC's Mentored Ministry Requirements but no one could hate the Toad that much...or could they?

After a few brief moments of utter terror, "C" bravely walked over to the doorway of my office and nervously asked, "Can I help you with something?" The man then slowly looks over at "C" and says, "I'm just making my move."

This statement doesn't really make anyone feel any better about the situation due to the fact that the man just stands there and continues to gaze silently in the dark.

"C" then notices that the man is looking intently at something and decides to take a closer look. As she moves to turn on the light to my office she realizes that the man is hovering over something....my chess set.

Unbeknownst to them, I had begun a chess game with a non-traditional student who I met the day before. Each day, I and this student will exchange chess moves for our on-going game of chess.

The girls both gave a deep sigh of relief and I wet my pants laughing at their misfortune.

I then moved my Knight.

Longing for God

I have been thinking a lot about "devotions" lately--those moments that we spend in communion with God. Is there a better descriptive word or phrase for this time? I don't really like the concept of "quiet time" (I think it falls short of what God is hoping happens in these ordained moments), the concept of "devotions" sounds like something that one does simply out of duty. "Communion" come close to what actually takes place when we pay special attention to God and He fills our soul with His Spirit but I think most people would not fully understand what I am referring to if I just threw around the concept of Communion.

Maybe I'm just chasing a white rabbit or have had too many cold ones with The Monkey but I can't shake my thoughts in wondering if there is a better nuance that captures more adequately the kind of interaction that God desires to have with us in those moments when we meet together? My thinking was trigured by a quote I read in a book on worship in the New Testament. The author writes, "Prayer was not only an important part of Jesus' life: It was His life, the very breath of His being." This is what I want and what I want to articulate when I talk about moments that are intentionally focused upon God.

As I read these words, I feel moved to draw a little closer to God. I feel a great desire to be more reliant upon God to be my life source. Even as I type these words I sense there is something longing in my soul to be united with God--but the words fall short of anything close to the actual desires within me.

Maybe I should just call it Worship and leave it at that.

Exchange Students

If anyone is looking for some students, I have a few I would like to deport.

When Life Gives You Donkeys...

Last night I watched a special on the History Channel about U.S. Presidents. It turns out that I am not one of them. Who knew? When I brought this fact to the attention of my uncle Toadie, he responded by telling me how the United States has an elaborate system of checks and balances to insure that people like me never even get to go on a tour of the White House. I told him that we have an elaborate set of checks and balances to insure that people like him never made it into our family and then pointed out how he still made it in.

One of the most fascinating stories from this show revolved around Andrew Jackson (for all you baseball fans out there in radio land, he's the dude that looks like Peter Gammons from ESPN). One day, one of Jackson's political rivals called him a Jackass. Jackson liked it so much that he made it the Democratic Party Mascot. On a side note, I'm just glad that no one called him a "ButtHole" or something worse. Who knows what the Democratic National Convention hats and posters would look like. Yikes.

In other news, I asked my grandma today what she was making for dinner. She said, "In the words of Jesus, 'what is it to you?'" I thought that was some pretty funny stuff. I absolutely love my grandma. She throws a mean right hook and can jab with the best of them. She also makes a kick butt piece of pumpkin pie. Which reminds me that my sugar intake hasn't taken a hit in a couple of hours and that I am in dire need of some more complex carbohydrates. Here's to hoping that you had a wonderful turkey day and that you remembered to wear your fat pants.

Happy Thanksgiving

Giving It All Away

"The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says, ‘Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want you. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don’t want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self…I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours."--C.S. Lewis

There are many moments in my life when I find it hard to give God everything. I say I want to die to myself and live completely for God; however so many times in my life I find myself before God with clinched fist. Even though his way will be so much better than what I now have, I seem to always try to do things my way and in my timing.

I just got back from the Missionary convention and my head is spinning and my heart aches for all the unreached people groups of the world. I saw a video at the convention of a missionary who had just completed the translation of scripture into a new people group's heart language. Everyone in the video was weeping for joy. Prior to this moment, darkness had consumed the very lives of this people. They had no hope nor had ever had the opportunity to know about the love of God, but now the light of the gospel had made its way into this remote area. May God be praised!

As I watched this video and heard the testimonies and stories of what God is doing, my heart broke. I kept asking, "Am I making any difference in God's Kingdom?" "Am I holding anything back from God in my service and devotion?" "Is there more that I could be doing?" "Is there something different that I should be doing?"

I simply don't know the answer to these questions. I don't want to look past what I am doing at the moment and say that I will start serving God more faithfully when such and such happens. I know I need to give it all away. God, please open up my clinched fists and take my life away.

One Pure and Holy Passion

"There have been some who were so occupied in spreading Christianity they never gave a thought to Christ." CSL

This morning in my devotion time, I read these words from Psalm 42. "My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?' These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?"

As I read these words, I felt as if I were the one who had penned them. The last couple of days, I feel like I have been missing God. I feel like I have been so caught up in my work here that I have missed God in my activity. God, please give me one pure and holy passion to serve you. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart long for you. May I never get so preoccupied in your work that I lose you.

Faith

Many people have asked the proverbial question, “Why did God allow this to happen?” A response that these individuals are often presented with is that “God did this to test your faith.” This kind of reasoning has always bothered me. Even though I see the grounds for it in scripture, I have always thought the idea of pain and suffering as an expansion of one’s faith is somewhat sadistic. What benefit could God possibly receive in seeing my faith expanded through tragedy? However, my views were somewhat turned upside down when I read that, “God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t.”Through reading this quote, I was forced to consider the rationality for God allowing tests of humanity’s faith and love. I had never considered the notion that God may be using these tests to show us the extent of our love or faith. I had never considered that I even needed to be shown the extent of my love and faith for God.

A Cup of Coffee with an Old Dead Guy

I sat down with C.S. Lewis today for some coffee. Surprisingly enough, dead English guys like their coffee with milk and crumpets. Who knew?

After a couple shots of espresso, I asked Lewis how he would explain God. He shot back, "I like to explain God the same way that I like to drink my coffee." He then chuckled to himself and I sat there waiting for the punch line. None came and I felt awkward so I got up and began to make my way for the door as I made up some lame excuse about having to get my tires rotated. He then assured me that he was going to be serious and that he was not going to tug my trousers any longer (I would go more into this but I really don't want to).

He then said something that opened up my view on God. He said, "God is not a static thing—not even a person—but a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life, almost a kind of...drama. Almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance."

I told him that I didn't think that he was irreverent at all and asked him to continue.

"You see my boy, the union between the Father and Son is such a live concrete thing that this union itself is also a Person…What grows out of the joint life of the Father and Son is a real Person, is in fact the Third of the three Persons who are God."

I then began to think to myself how I wished humanity could have this same kind of relationship with one another that God has within himself. I wish that we could love each other so perfectly that a spirit of love and community would cover us. Maybe then we would dance with God.

Before I could completely get my mind around this idea, Lewis opened up a little more. He said, "God does not exist for the sake of man. We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us, that we may become objects in which the Divine love may rest ‘well pleased’."

As he said these words, a gentle sense of comfort fell over me like a warm blanket on a cold day. God loves me and made me to be loved.

We didn't say much more after that. We just sat there basking in the love of God...while we enjoyed our coffee.

The Other Side of No Where

I am off to the National Missionary Convention. I'm hoping to see some old buddies, make some new buddies and get rid of some of the buddies that I can't stand anymore. I wish I had more time to reminisce about previous conventions but the only thoughts that are coming to mind right now are:

1. The time SoeBs got up from his seat behind the wheal to jump in the backseat.
2. The time we got lost on my Birthday in Cincinnati looking for a cool coffeehouse to hang out at. I think we ended up just going to a grocery store. Good times. Right guys? Guys?
3. The time my wife and I almost decided that we shouldn't date anymore...boy am I glad that one turned out different.
4. The second time my wife and I almost decided not to date anymore...maybe I shouldn't go to these things.

This Side of Nowhere

Who am I? This may sound like a simple question at first glance. However, if you pick it up, allow it to stare you in the eye and pierce your inner soul, you may find it a lot more probing question than you ever imagined. Take it out for a spin and see what happens. Who are you?

As I sit here kicking around this question, answers begin to matriculate from the thoughts and memories that form in my mind. I know I am a husband...a father....a son...a brother...a friend...a lover. I know I am carefully and wonderfully made. I am...God's child. I know I am a man with faults. I am a sinner. I am a preacher. I am an administrator. I am a romantic. I am a below average athlete...ok, way below average athlete. I know that I have been purchased at a great cost. But who am I?

I hear my students say that they are going to go out in the world and find themselves. The truth be known, I don't think they or anyone will ever find themselves as long as they are the ones looking.

I think we can only find ourselves when we allow ourselves to be found. As C.S. Lewis reminded me this afternoon, "We will never simply 'be ourselves' until 'ourselves' have become sons of God." May God find me and continue to show me who I am.

Breakfast at Toadie's

This morning I had breakfast with Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross. It was a most fascinating discussion on spirituality. I don't remember how we got on the subject but Teresa reminded me that "what we do as a Christian isn't half as important as why we do it." This comment stumped me. The whole time that she was talking, I kept thinking about the things that I do that I categorize as ministry. I couldn't help but wonder if my acts of service have been done with the purist of intentions or just to put in my time, collect a paycheck and go on my merry way.

Teresa then went on to tell me about her Interior Castle. She mentioned various rooms within this house that helped her understand that "true perfection consists in the love of God and our neighbor." She also reminded me that some of her greatest encounters with God took place in the kitchen "among the pots and pans". I asked her if she would like to be my patron Saint for Mentored Ministry. She pretty much just pretended to ignore the conversation and stuffed her mouth full of muffins and mumbled something about rather having her head stapled to the carpet.

That is when John of the Cross piped in and started talking about suffering. Before I could cut John off and tell him that Teresa was joking, John started talking about how modern Christians have been caught up in the idea that Christianity is all about peaches and cream. I asked him to expand. He said that spirituality and the Christian life hinges on the haunting words of Jesus, "take up your cross." He then went on to say "sometimes we must agonize through inner ordeals so that we may be transformed into the kinds of people that God desires as his most intimate companions." He then went on to tell me about how he was fired from his job, demoted to the life of a simple monk and had many of his so called peers spread the worst of rumors about him. I told him that I thought this was truly a shame that the body of Christ could act such a way. John then told me that it was no pity at all. He then went on to say that one of his persistent prayers that he prayed when he was beaten in prison and going through the agony of frostbite on his toes was, "God, enable me to suffer and be despised." I had to chew on this one for a while too. Why would one pray for suffering and to be despised. John then told me that every man must pass throught he dark night of the soul in order to find the light of God.

Since I was intrigued by these new teachings, I asked John what things impede our spiritual growth with God so that we may find the light. John then looked me in the eye and whispered, "It is one's pride." He then elaborated by saying, "when individuals fall victim to such spiritual pride, they routinely think themselves better than other Christians. They take more delight in their own spirituality and spiritual gifts than those of others."

I then was confronted with whether or not I am more concerned about my needs or the needs of others. Do I have use my gifts to enhance the gifts of others? A lot to think about. We then had a second cup of coffee and talked about the Cardinals chances of picking up a big bat in the off season.

John said that he was a Cubs fan. "What? How could you ever be a Cubs fan and still be a spiritual master?" He then reminded me that the road to Jesus comes through suffering. Oh that's right. I poured the cream.

The Wall

Every semester that I have been in Seminary there comes a point where I hit the proverbial wall. I am starring at the wall right now trying to decide whether I should jump over that sucker or just sit there in the shade and drink cold beverages while listening to Greg Taylor albums...err Jimmy Buffett (I always get those 2 mixed up).

Sometimes as I sit down to do my homework, I see that scene in Dumb and Dumber when Jim Carey is sitting at the bar yelling, "I don't care!"

The truth be known, I do care. I do want to be a good student and a good steward of this incredible opportunity. I know that I am part of a small percentage of people in the world that have been given the opportunity to get higher education. I do care about Christ's church and the leader (and follower) that God wants me to develop into. I do care about the way that my work reflects my work ethic and character. I do care about giving God my best.

Any tips on how to get over the proverbial wall?

Evidences of the Soul

"What a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is." C.S.L

Do you ever find yourself blindsided by people/conversations that you are totally not prepared to handle? The last 2 days, I feel like I have been in a demolition derby of the soul. Without exageration, I have had 3 emotionally charged conversations with individuals that has left me feeling like I have been kicked by a mule. In each of these situations, I found myself trying to talk to individuals that refused to listen. I do not mean that they refused to see my point of view, I mean that they would not even let my point of view be explained without interjecting their own opinions.

I wish I could say that I handled all of these situations with the same grace as the Master but I didn't. When I get upset, I begin to shake. When I begin to shake, I know that I have a couple of seconds before I just let loose on someone. I am not proud of this characteristic, I am merely stating that this is a fact that I know about myself.

In all 3 situations, I basically had to walk away from the conversation before I lost my cool. In fact, I actually had to hang up on a parent that was upset about their child not getting selected for a particular Week of E3 trip (don't ask).

As I sit back and think about each of these situations, I wonder if there is anything that I could have done differently. I also wonder if there is something in me that needs to change the way I talk to people. I know that conflict is inevitable and I know that there are some people who refuse to look at any issue from any point other than their own. I just know that I never want to be that person. May God help me to be like Jesus...even when I deal with difficult people.

Leaves of Grass Continued

Leaves of Grass

Yesterday I mentioned how much I have been doubting myself of late. In the past 24 hours, God has opened the flood gates with encouragement and memories that I will cherish forever..or at least for another blog entry or two.

Right after posting about some of my insecurities of fatherhood, my daughter Adeline came to my office for a surprise visit. I decided that I was just going to take a break from my work and go out and play with her. It was one of my favorite moments that we have ever shared together. She went out into the leaves and was just fascinated by all the beautiful colors and sounds of the leaves crumbling under her feet. Her sense of wonder reminded me how wonderful this life is when one stops to appreciate the small things.

Then as we started walking back to the car, Adeline started dancing on the side walk. I couldn't help but smile. 1) There was no music playing other than the music in her head. 2) Addy doesn't know that we're not allowed to dance at LCC. 3). With every person that walked by Addy dancing, she would wave and blow them a kiss.

If you could watch the moment from my point of view, you would know that Addy wasn't the only one dancing yesterday. Her joy and appreciation of God's creation made ole dad dance too.

Prayer of a Ragmuffin

Today is one of those days in which I feel like my tank is cruising on empty. My fatigue and brain activity are in a steel caged match and it doesn't look so hot for the ole thought maker. My fatigue is about to put my brain in the full-nelson but I'm hoping that my brain has one sucker punch left in him.

I haven't been sleeping too well lately. Beyond my baby girl not sleeping (this is a blog entry in itself), I am having flash backs to when I was a kid and would stay up all night worrying about whether or not I would get a gold star for remembering my phone number the next day. I'm not worried too much about my phone number these days but I do seem to be thinking a lot about whether or not I am a good dad, husband and servant of Jesus. I just have this overwhelming since that I am falling short in so much of what I do.

I find myself praying, "God have mercy on me" throughout the day.

It is in moments of fragility that I wonder why God chooses to work through us at all. It seems like it would be a lot easier to expand his Kingdom without us. Sometimes I just see all the ways that I suck and wonder why God would want to use a ragmuffin like me. In my sense of self wonder and questioning, I find C.S. Lewis' words bring me comfort once again. He writes (from God in the Dock)

"God has not chosen to write the whole of history with His own hand. Most of the events that go on in the universe are indeed out of our control, but not all. It is like a play in which the scene and the general outline of the story is fixed by the author, but certain minor details are left for the actors to improvise. It may be a mystery why God should have allowed us to cause real events at all; but it is no odder that He should allow us to cause them by praying than by any other method."

For one reason or another in the midst of a day in which I feel like I have nothing left to give, I find the thought of God being in control and still wanting me to play a part in the pageant of history to be thrilling. How amazing is it that God is so secure in himself and so sure of what he is doing that he allows screw-ups like me (and maybe you would want to be put into this category...or maybe not) to work through. God is simply amazing.

May God extend his mercy on us all this day.

Weekend Update

This past weekend I went back to the ole alma mater for homecoming. Before I say anything else, I want to congratulate Lowery on winning homecoming queen. I thought one of the Good twins was going to swing the vote for someone else but I then slipped them a George Washington and well the rest is history. May your reign be full of peace and prosperity.

It was good to get back to my old stomping grounds and to see some old friends and professors. I can understand why some of my old classmates didn't recognize me. Afterall, I am growing more and more handsom every day. But why some professors didn't recognize me is just weird. I tried to explain that I actually work on the other side of campus and that I had even been in a faculty meeting with them ealier that day but they just called security and threw me out on the lawn. That's ok, I've been kicked out of way better homecoming parties than that one but they didn't have to spray me with a hose.

It was good seeing some old buddies and awkward seeing others. The most awkward moment of the weekend came when I saw "Jim". "Hey, Jim. How are things going?" Jim replies, "Well, I just got fired from my job but other than that things are good." Talk about a conversation killer. What do you say after that? The only thing that could have been worse is if he would have said, "I just got fired from my job...and I have the clap." Man, that's rough.

I then went to see my good buddy Jesse Stoner up in Portage with one of the Operation Heaven teams. I got introduced to Jack Johnson and Jeff Buckley's music. Great stuff. My favorite conversation on the way back from this trip came when Austin mentioned something about Rick Warren and one of the girls in the back of the van says, "Is that the guy who sings, Cherry Pie?" No, you are thinking of the band Warrant. Rick Warren is the Purpose Driven Guy. "Oh that's right."

Rick Warren, Warrent, awkward conversations and a homecoming queen we can all be proud of. That ain't a bad weekend...and no body got the clap.

Scraps of Deconstruction

Today marks the end of our short-lived 2-day Fall Break and naturally here I am in the office finishing up my grading. How so many people can fail a non-credit assignment is beyond me. I would talk more about it but I would probably just turn into a slobbering idiot (insert your own joke here).

I'm not really sure why I always end up working on our supposed breaks. Maybe I am a workaholic, incompetent beyond measure or both a workaholic and incompetent beyond measure. It just seems that I always think that I have a few last things to finish up and then I will have the day to myself. Then I look up and its 3:oopm

I turned in my midterm grades with 7 minutes to spare. I'm not really sure what happens if you don't turn in your grades prior to noon but I am pretty sure it contains the elements of getting a beat down by one unhappy Registrar. But no worries, we beat the deadline and AK is still cool with the Toad...I think.

I have spent the rest of my day reading more of C.S. Lewis' God in the Docks. I find that this book helps me from physically assulting students...or throwing rocks at them. In all seriousness, this book is incredible. Sometimes I feel like Lewis has his own blog and these are his random thoughts. For instance, Lewis has a chapter also entitled, "Scraps" in which he has a funny conversation with himself (a conversation between his mind and his body), a short quib about angels and then closes the chapter with a thought about prayer. Sometimes I wonder if Lewis could spit on a napkin and still get it published. If so, I would probably buy it.

One thought that has been hanging with me all day is whether or not I am too critical. In a response to one of Lewis' critics, Lewis makes the comment, "Dr. Pittenger [the individual he is responding to] would be a more helpful critic if he advised a cure as well as asserting many diseases. How does he himself do such work? What methods, and with what success, does he employ when he is trying to convert the great mass of stoekeepers, lawyers, realtors, morticians, policemen and artisans who surround him in his own city. If the real theologians had tackled this laborious work of translation about a hundred years ago, when they began to lose touch with the people, there would have been no place for me."

This got me to thinking about how often individuals are quick to deconstruct something without putting something else into its place. Anyone can tear down the sand castle along the beach front but how many people are willing to take the time to craft a work in order for all to come and view? How quick are we to criticize the thoughts of others and then offer no solution to how to make it better.

I know I have probably shared too much of my reflections on C.S. Lewis, but he is having a great impact on my thinking. I would welcome your thoughts on why people are quick to deconstruct and coy to create original works themselves.

The Game

In the history of football, there are always those landmark games that are simply known by a phrase (i.e, the Icebowl, The Emmaculate Reception, the Fog Bowl and who could forget the Heidi game). Historians have yet to dub this game anything yet but when they do it will probably have some sweet name like The Slobberknocker on the Prairie.

To set the scene, it rained the entire night before, the whole morning and then the heavens opened and it cleared up... if by cleared up I mean that we were hit with more rain. I had a few people call me up and ask me if we were still going to play. My reply: "Heck yes we are going to play. They don't call it fluffy fun time. This in football. We are going to play rain or shine." This is probably when I should have been checked for a concussion.

As we took the field in our black and white uni's (ok, they were just some pretty sweet shirts and I've already talked about this before but they were still really nice), the students outnumbered us by 3 to 1. They simply starred at us with contempt in their heart and pride in their game. They knew that they were going to take it to us.

At the coin toss, the captain of the students made the fateful decision of taking the ball. In all fairness, that is the last thing that the students took that day. From the very first series, we as they say in french "kicked their butts". On the first series, we had a sack, a tackle behind the line of scrimmage and a defensive stop.

Then we went straight down the field running the option and running it up the gut. The students didn't know what hit them..and then they realized it was that ole grizzly machine of a man --Walt Zorn.

Ok, doctor Zorn didn't really hit anyone but he did go out for a pass on one play and we threw it to him. He dropped it but then we all remembered that the guy is missing a finger. What are you going to do?

The students had 3 turnovers in the first half and we had two touchdowns. Halftime score Faculty 14 STudents 0.

Then the rain started to come like no one's business. We had to call the game due to lightning.

The next day the students asked for a rematch. I told them that if they wanted a win, they should have come out on the field and got one. They then punched me and left me for dead. The end.

If only...

Sometimes I get caught up in the "If Only" game. If you have never played the "If Only" game, it pretty much is played out by assuming that one's life would be better if only...and then you fill in the blank.

Sometimes, I do this when I think about how much better my life would be if only I had:
-a better salary.
-a bigger house
-a car that didn't scare small children when I start it up.
-more sleep.
-students who acted maturely.
-people who recognized my contributions

I was made aware of this game last night as I read C.S. Lewis' God in the Dock. In his chapter entitled, "The Trouble with 'X'..." Lewis reminded me that it is my outlook on life that must be shaped by the hand of God. He writes, "Not even God with all His power, can make an individual happy as long as that individual remains envious, self-centered and spiteful. Be sure there is something inside you wich unless it is altered, will put it out of God's power to prevent your being eternally miserable. While that something remains there can be no Heaven for you, just as there can be no sweet smells for a man with a cold in his nose."

Lewis goes on to show the reader that God has already given us the wonderful gift of life with incredibly beautiful sights, delicious foods and all of our basic needs met. The thing that needs to be changed isn't something outside of ourselves...it is us.

What the Murph!!!!

As a manager, this is when I probably would have started talking about this ump's mother.

Armageddon is Here...err tomorrow

I am so excited about the Staff/faculty gave verses the students that I can hardly stand myself. We got our t-shirts today and in the words of Napoleon Dynamite, "They are pretty sweet."

They are black and white with the words "Men verses boys" on the front. The picture is a guy stepping on the head of a little guy with his thumb in his mouth. If anyone wants to make a wager on this game, let me know. I have no integrity.

I also keep thinking about the St. Louis Cardinals. Oswalt is freakin awesome but Uncle Mo is on the side of the birds tonight. I'm sure it will be a real slobber knocker. However, I am going to miss it because I am going to be preaching down at John Mann's church. I'm really excited about seeing John and preaching this sermon. If you think of me, pray for me...the sermon and that I won't die in tomorrow's game.

Reminiscing...

This weekend, I had the honor of standing up with one of my best friends on the day of his wedding. Brian said something at the reception that has stuck with me all weekend. "Toadie, my dad made me put you in the wedding." After that he said something profound about how he and Sarah wanted their wedding to be a testiment of community. As I looked around the room and took in the sites, sounds and flavors it struck me that this is community at its best.

In many ways, I felt like we got to share a small taste of what heaven is going to be like. Here we were, a bunch of friends (some old, some new) coming together with dancing, singing, laughing and celebration at the request of the groom. Coming from various places in life, destinations and experiences we came together for the purpose of witnessing this wonderful union of two dear friends.

I then began to think about how precious marriage truly is and what a wonderful woman I married. I know I am blessed and I hope I never take my wife for granted. I know that my love will only grow for my wife if I continue to love God. As C.S. Lewis wrote, "Human beings can't make one another really happy for long...you cannont love a fellow-creature fully till you love God."

My prayer this day has been that I and my wonderful bride will continue to fall in love with Jesus every day so that we can love another to the full extent that God intended.

Best Buddies

This is the picture where Brian's mom paid me a $20 dollars to get my picture taken with him. Good times...well at least it was good money.

Yes, that is our minister

Does this guy know how to do weddings or what?

Loweryface Part III

This is the scene where John Wentz told Lowery where babies come from.


On a side note: I have come up with some pretty good recommendations for famous cheeses. You have Mayor McCheese, Chucky Cheese, the Greenbay Packer Cheese heads, The stinky Cheese Man (a delightful read if you have never picked it up), G.K Cheese-terton...ok, I'm lame.

Hail to the Chief

I just received an e-mail stating that Dr. Kurka has just become the new president of St. Louis Christian College. Don't worry, I'm not passing on anything that isn't public knowledge. The news release can be seen on St. Louis' website. I know that a lot of you who read this blog (ok, it pretty much consists of The Monkey and my mom) but I know that you would like to wish Dr. Kurka the best as he makes this transition. I know it will be a daunting task. Please pray for LCC as we make these various transitions.

And now back to my series of showing great pictures of my buddy loweryface...

4 Days...

Who are you preaching to? This looks like someone just threw a suit on you and asked you to pose for a LCC handbook or something.

I've decided to dedicate this week of blog entries to my buddy Brian...or famous cheeses. The verdict is still out. Hmmm.

Less than 5 Days

That's right. In less than 5 days, Loweryface is getting married to Sarah Szoke.
Since I haven't been asked to give any official toastes or anything as such, I am going to share a conversation that Brian and I had about 5 years ago.

Me: Have you ever been attracted to a younger woman?

Lowery: Oh sure. You know sometimes you just meet someone and then you connect with them. Why do you ask?

Me: You just seem like the type.

The Gauntlet has been Dropped

Last Thursday, the faculty/staff challenged our study body to a game of full-contact football (maybe we should have called it fool contact but that isn't important right now). Everyone is getting really pumped up. The students are getting pretty cocky about their chances. They don't know that we have a secret weapon in one...Dr. Walter S. Zorn. Yes, that's right. I talked to Walt last Thursday and he says that he is going to play a little QB for us. I don't know if Walt's middle name starts with a S but it should. And that S should stand for Superman. Because when he leads us onto the field there is going to be a lot plays of the super persuasion taking place. You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him.

I don't think I have mentioned out here in Blogland that I have come out of retirement from Thursday football. After I was rejecting from the Hall of Fame in late August, I realized that my resume was incomplete and that I needed to pad my stats a little. It was a tough decision but after much reflection, I realized that I had to come back. There was just too much riding on me not playing.
After no training and many candy bars, I realized that I had renewed my passion for the game. Its not about money anymore. Its not about the fame and the glory. Those things are in my past. Its now all about the game. Its the comraderie of the guys, the sweat of the large butt freshman standing to your left that couldn't block a first grade hall monitor and the blood that makes it all worth it. Sure, I got hit so hard in the nose last week that my eyes filled up like a Democrat on election night but its worth it. Sure, there are days when I can't get out of bed and yell things like, "Lindsay, I can't put my socks on again!" But I'm back baby and there is no stopping me now...unless you are a better than mediocre running back and you actually know how to make a cutback move (man, I hate it when I always bite on those).

The Dawn of Morning

It's almost 9:00pm and I am still here at the office plugging away at another vain attempt to master divinity. The seminary catalog said it would only take 75 hours to master but it turns out that this is just one of those marketing ploys they come up with to suck you into gazillion hours of study.

Sometimes in the middle of my course work, I can visibly see the air coming out of my proverbial balloon. Tonight is one of those nights. As I sit here trying to come up with a rational thought, I sense that the last two brain cells inside my head are kick boxing each other for overall dominance. However, in the midst of my weariness, I can see hope dawning in a new day.

This dawn is not merely just the hope that things will settle down tomorrow or that life will one day be filled without term papers, research and late night study sessions. It is the eternal hope that one day we will dance in heaven with God. It is the hope in what C.S. Lewis refers to in The Great Divorce as the hope that the residents of this world must live by.

He writes, "Where do you imagine you've been? Ah, I see you mean that the grey town with it continual hope of morning (we must all live by hope must we not?), with its field for indefinite progress, is in a sense, Heaven, if only we have the eyes to see it? That is a beautiful idea."

If you look around, we all live in that grey town with its continual hope of morning.

Weekend of E3

This past weekend, we tried something that we have never done before. We tried organizing Weekend of E3 trips. These trips are very similar to Week of E but packaged into a single weekend (don't worry, it doesn't take the place of Week of E3 so don't call me up and tell me how I have sold out). The truth is, I am still taking bids before I sell out. I want to make sure I get the highest dollar...or a lifetime supply of M & M's or an autograph of one of the original members of a band that I can't remember.

We had 2 trips up to Chicago, one to inner city St. Louis, one to a homeless shelter in Indianapolis and 2 others at campus houses (NIU and U of I) and a trip to New Orleans. I led the trip to Champaign to work with the campus house and Restoration Urban Ministries. It was so much fun. I absolutely love being with college students and working side by side them...except when they smell...but even then it is still fun.

I love the way God uses these trips to strengthen community. I need to go and work on Week of E3 stuff. I have a guy on the phone that wants to know if we will sell out for a couple of old Johnny Cash Records. Will we? Heck ya we will.

Part II

So what do you love about the church?

As I said in my last response on my last post, I love the fact that I am not the only believer in my community. I love the faith that my parents passed on to me and the many great teachers that tried their best to show me the right way to live. I love the butt nasty Kool-Aid that the little old ladies used to make at VBS. I don't know why they never added sugar to it or why they only filled the cup half full but I love the fact that they were there trying to give something back to God in the small ways.

I love the wonderful stories that I have heard about God and how he has moved throughout history. I love the times that I have been awed into silence during corporate worship. I love the work projects where you sweat side by side a complete stranger and then see that person evolve into a close friendship (Miah, do you remember painting the Hole with me?)

I love the times when I have prayed with dear brothers and cried with people through their agony. I love the potlucks that I went to as a kid and was always the first person in line (that way you could go back for seconds and everyone thought it was your first time through).

I simply love the church and I look forward to serving side by side all of you for many years to come (through whatever form She takes).

A Beautiful Bride

Do you love the Church? This is the refrain that Danny Schaffner asked us this morning in chapel over and over again as he preached from the 2nd chapter of Acts. In many ways, this is such a simple question. Of course I love the Church. Why do you ask?

But the more I allowed the question to fly around my pointed little head, I was convicted by how overly hard I am on Christ's Bride. Sure she has faults, but when was the last time that you had a discussion about the things that you love about the body? When was the last time, you came upon a blog entry about someone singing the praises of congregational worship or Christ's Church reaching out and changing lives? Sometimes, I take this wonderful gift that God has given us for granted.

In his book, the Screwtape letters, C.S. Lewis uses a dialogue between Wormword and Screwtape to talk about how to use the institution of the Church to draw people away from "the Enemy." Screwtape writes, "Surely you know that if a man can't be cured of churchgoing, the next best thing is to send him all over the neighbourhood looking for the church that 'suits' him unit he becomes a taster or connoisseur of churches...the search for a 'suitable' church makes the man a critic where the Enemy wants him to be a pupil."

As I reflected upon these words and the thoughts in the message this morning, I have been convicted that I have become more of a critic during worship than a pupil. Don't misunderstand me for saying that I don't think that we should raise questions that will enhance the Kingdom of God through the activities of the local church. I just know that this morning I had to ask God to forgive me for not always having the most teachable spirit and for not always treating His first love with the honor She deserves.

Do You Want to Dance?

I just recently reread C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. In his chapter entitled, "Good Infection" Lewis makes the following reflection:

"The most important difference between Christianity and all other religions is that God is not a static thing--not even a person--but a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life, almost a kind of drama. Almost , if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance...The whole dance, or drama, or pattern of this three-Personal life is to be played out in each one of us: or each one of us has got to enter that pattern, take his place in that dance. There is no other way to the happiness for which we were made. Good things as well as bad, you know , are caught by a kind of infection. If you want to get warm you must stand near the fire. If you want to be wet you must get into the water. If you want joy, power, peace, eternal life, you must get close to or even into the thing that has them. They are not a sort of prize which God could, if He chose, just hand out to anyone. They are a great fountain of energy and beauty spurting up at the very centre of reality. If you are close to it, the spray will wet you: if you are not, you will remain dry."

As I sit reading these words, I find myself pondering why I keep God at arms length during so many episodes of my life? Why do I resist joining the wonderful dance of God when it is the very activity that would bring so much delight to my soul? Why do I look for alternative springs of happiness when the fountain of God is available to quench my deepest thirsts?

I think my hesitance comes from not wanting to turn over the reigns of my life to someone else. If I were to continue with the dance analogy, I like to lead too much...even if it means continually tripping and falling all over the place. However, I know that if I am ever going to learn how to dance in this life, I am going to have to learn how to follow the Master.

God, please teach me how to dance in you.

Update on the Broken Door

I know I just posted about "The Office" about 4 minutes ago but I had to give you all an update on the broken door. In case you missed it, about 3 weeks ago, I threw a rock at a student who was chasing me (we were playing freeze tag and I didn't want to be it. I still don't want to be it...and I don't want to be It in the future but that isn't important right now). Anywho, I threw a rock at this kid and it broke the window on the door of the Hole.

Our Human Resources guy just came into my office to tell me that the school isn't going to charge me. He said, "We are all about our faculty connecting with students. If this was something that you did every week, maybe we would have to charge you for it. But we don't want to see you change the way you try to connect with our students. That is what we are all about."

How freakin cool is that?

Harry Potter meets C.S. Lewis

Dick Staub writes:

With every new Harry Potter movie I find myself drawn into a debate, seemingly unavoidably, I wish not to be part of. I refer of course to the battle between those who oppose the Harry Potter series as antithetical to faith, and those who are thrilled to see their kids reading, and who find the series imaginative, believing also that it provides teachable moments. The divisiveness over Harry Potter is passionate in the extreme, so much so that I've heard individuals from the pro & con side actually questioning "the salvation" of those on the other side. This, I trust you agree, is the quintessential definition of "over the top."Here are a few guiding comments.ONE. WE suffer the problem described by C.S. Lewis in "Screwtape Letters" regarding devils. " There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel and excessive and unhealthy interest in them." I think we ought not to ignore the issues raised by Harry Potter. I also do not think we ought to be unhealthily preoccupied with them.

Get Up You Bum

This morning we had an amazing worship service in the chapel. We talked about how we are all failures but that Christ has redeemed each one of us to make us a new person. During the course of the service, we had an artist draw a picture of people exchanging their sin stained clothes for the clothes of righteousness. After much singing, we were given a time in which we could come forward to a bowl of water to remember the cleansing that Christ did for us on the Cross. We were also instructed to remember our baptism and the redemption we were given. To conclude the service, Mike Breaux spoke about how we are all failures that God desperately wants to use. He closed his message by talking about Rocky V. I wish you could hear his reinactment of Rocky's last fight with Tommy Gunn. I thought I was going to pee my pants. But then Addy beat me to it.

Mike talked about the scene at the end of the movie when Rocky got knocked down. Mike pointed out that there was only one message that brought him to his feat...the look of Micky urging him on from his youth saying, "Hey kid. Micky loves you. Now get up you bum." What a great quote. I know I am probably not doing any justice to this story but that line has stuck with me all day. I don't know if you are having one of those days where you feel like you totally suck but this word of encouragement has brought a lot of solace to my soul.

It has also reminded me of my favorite quote from Micky. "After I'm done with you, you're going to eat lightning and crap thunder."

Then I started thinking about my all time favorite small role characters. Who is your favorite? (This can't be anyone who was the lead or anyone who was a major supporting actor).

I would then have to turn to Luca Brossi from the Godfather. I love that scene where he is rehearsing his speech. "Godfather. I would like to thank you for inviting me to your daughter's wedding on the day of her wedding. May their first child be a masculine child."

I also love the old guy from Braveheart who is like 60 years old and still fighting with the younger men.

Anyone else have any favorite small role characters?

Two Stories for Sister Sara

So yesterday I was co-teaching the introduction to Christian College experience with another professor who will remain nameless. In order to protect his identity, we will simply call him Ondel Amsey. During the course of his lecture, Ondel says, "the internship is a great time for you to gain a lot of experience without having to be responsible for everything that takes place within the church. For example, if one of your youth sponsors is having sex with one of the kids in the youth group, you can just sit back and watch." Somehow, I don't think what Ondel meant to say and what the students heard was the same thing.

After class, I got this e-mail from a student:
"I'm a little confused right now. I went down to your office to ask you a question about Mentored Ministry, but you weren't there. So i asked your secertary but she didn't know so went into the warehouse, looking for you, but you werent there so she asked some guy the question, i have no clue who he was. and his response was no. so i told him that seems like a waste of time. and then he asked why. i simply said because im doing all this work for no credit. then he replies "fine sure, count it for 5 hours". i have no clue who this guy was so thats why im asking you. i just want to know if I can plan other things for my mentored ministry. thanks for your time."

My response: "I am that guy in the Warehouse."

I'm Here to Meet with You

I'm reading a thought provoking book by Robert Webber called, "Worship--Old and New." When Dr. Webber talks about worship in its broadest sense, he defines it as a "meeting between God and His people."

This definition has been kicking around in my head all week. The more I think about it, the more I like it. In my understanding of God, the thing that I think God wants more than anything else is for us to meet with Him and commune with Him.

I hear people say that worship is everything, everywhere, all the time. I think this is faulty thinking. Not everything is God honoring. Not everything mirrors a life lived in obedience to Christ nor does every action bring glory to God. However, when one wields one's thoughts, emotions and service in order to meet God, I think it is worship.

To flush out this thinking, an individual could read the most advanced theological ideas ever constructed but never meet God in the process--this is not worship. A worship leader could put together the most beautiful sounding praise set of all time and never meet God in corporate worship--thus the individual did not worship. Finally, a person could do beautiful acts of service with an ugly heart and totally miss giving God honor--this is not worship.

If we were to take those same scenarios and allow those individuals to meet God in their thinking/reading, allow the individual to connect with God through the praise set so that the individual is responding to who God is and doing service that allows others to meet with God--I think this is worship.

May we meet God through our hearts, our heads and use our hands to serve people so that they may also meet with God this day.

And so the List Grows

These are big days in the Davenport household. Our youngest...ok, right now she is an only child...is finally walking. I'm trying to teach her how to run with the football but she keeps coughing it up inside the Red Zone. I told her that she is going to have to suck it up and play with a little bit more intensity or she doesn't get any Cheerios.

On a side note: Adeline likes to put anything and everything into her mouth. Hey, she's my kid. What did you expect? We now have a running list of things that we don't eat. I have to constantly say, "Adeline, we don't eat...

grass
shoes
paper
wood
gates
mommy
trash
and plants

If the list grows, I'll keep you informed.

Kicking Around the Notion of Catechism

Yesterday in class, we had a fascinating discussion about the process an individual had to go through in order to join the Church of the 3rd century. Before an individual was even allowed to attend services, they had to have a sponser that brought them before the teachers of the church. If the person was found to be someone that was not a threat to the church, the individual was allowed to attend the teaching time and then asked to leave for the passing of the peace and the partaking of the Eucharist.

The individual then had to wait three years for baptism while they underwent catechism. After this three year period, the individual would come forward and the presybter (elder) would ask the individual's sponser if the catechumen was a righteous person who took care of widows and did all the acts of goodness.

The presbyter would then lay hands on the individual and caste out any demons that may dwell in the person. You would think that this is the part in the story where the individual would get dunked and the church would go out for cake and ice cream to celebrate. However, the 3rd century they felt that the individual should come back for 3 more days of anointing and laying on of hands. On Thursday, the individual was to physically bathe in water to prepare for their baptism on Sunday.

On Friday, the catechumen (not yet a Christian) was instructed to fast and have the priest sign their foreheads, ears, and noses (You got me on this one).

On Saturday, they were to get away to contemplate the decision that they were making so that they could way the cost of their decision.

On Sunday, at the break of down, there was a special prayer over the water (this was to be running water if possible--that was cold). Then the person coming for baptism was to take off their clothes and get baptised naked...this is when the church attendance doubled! Ok, bad joke. The men and women were seperated...and then the person got naked. At this point, they would give thanks over the oil that they were going to annoint the individual with and then the catechum would renounce satan and be baptised 3 seperate times.

When they came out of the water, they were given a holy kiss and allowed to enter the church. The book was unclear on whether the church meant a people or a place. You got me.

I'm not saying that we should adopt all of these practices. After all, when Philip met with the Ethiopian Eunoch, the Ethiopian was baptised after a short amount of teaching. I am just intrigued by the seriousness that took place within the lives of the canidates. I think there are some definite principles to be mined out of these early accounts.

Memories of Summers Long Ago

As I pulled out of the driveway of my grandfather's house this past weekend, my eyes welled up with tears. It seems like every visit that I have with my grandfather these days is on borrowed time. Even though I have flirted with the notion that he may not be the same superhero that I once knew as a boy, I struggle with the thoughts that the callosed hand of cancer will eventually take completely hold of him one day--and my grandpa will leave this world.

I wish each of you could meet my Grandpa Dale. He is built exactly like me with the same broad shoulders, same stalky build and the same steely blue eyes. I have often thought that he is what I will look like when I turn 77 years old.

When I was a young boy, I would spend the months of June, July and parts of August with my grandfather on his farm in Northern Missouri. It was during these times together that I learned some of the most practical wisdom that I have ever encountered. My grandpa is one of those guys who turns every aspect of life into a teachable moment. It was my grandpa who told me that "there are some people in this world who think that their crap doesn't stink...but it does. Don't you be one of them." He also taught me that there is always a place for a man to be a gentleman, there are things in this world worth getting your ass kicked and there are things worth dying for. However, the thing that spoke the most about my grandpa is the fact that he always talked to me. No matter what he was doing or where he was at, he always made me feel like I was someone who deserved his attention.

I know this blog entry probably doesn't resonate with anyone but myself, but I felt like I needed a forum to express many of the difficulties that I am dealing with in watching my hero fade away. Fortunately, my grandfather has come back to Jesus. There was a long spell in his lifetime in which my grandpa was angry at God. I think he was angry that God allowed my grandma to die. I think he was angry at the church that told him that grandma got cancer because of a sin in his life. But that is neither here nor there. Several months ago, a retired missionary moved next door to my grandpa and this missionary began to take my grandpa hiking. I don't know what this guy talked about on those long walks on the mountain, but I do know that through their talks, my grandfather has turned back to God.

What's not to love about Holers?

I Survived Another Assassination Attempt

I absolutely love Holers. Yesterday, I had somewhere between 2-12 guys following me around campus looking out for potential assassins (dressed in full secret service attire of course). Fortunately, the exact same day that I had all of this protection, there actually was an attempt on my life! The kid that I threw a rock at last week jumped out of the bushes of the seminary firing a cap gun at me. I was dropped to the ground and rushed into Restoration Hall. My agents then took down the assassin and I got to go to my class on Historical worship.

In class we had a fascinating discussion about restoring the awe of God. This discussion probably deserves its own blog entry. Like most things, it is hard to take a guy serious when you just found out that someone was trying to kill him. Eh, what you gonna do?

Swimming in a pool of historical ignorance

This is a picture I drew on a sticky note while talking to Isaac Gaff about a battle that I was watching on the history channel. The mountain-like figure is the french army with a ton of armored knights. The top portion of this brilliant diagram is the battle position the English army took. In the middle are the English archers. A new finding indicates that this battle probably was not decided by the English longbow. It probably was won/lost in the muddy fields where thousands of french soldiers were trampled by their own men--to sufficate from being bogged down in the quagmire.

After talking all about this battle, I forgot when it took place. I am tempted to stop what I am doing and spend the rest of the day doing research. Unfortunately, this does not really fit into what I am doing today.

I guess, I will just have to keep on swimming around in this pool of historical ignorance.

What do you want?

J.K. originally asked this question in his sermon this past Sunday. The last three days, this question has been echoing in my head over and over again. I haven't come to any sound answers but I do feel like this question deserves some reflection. I don't think flippant answers will suffice this time.

Here's Addy in the grass.

And here's Addy eating the grass. We are very proud.

Doh! 

When Freeze Tag Goes Bad

So I am on my way to the Chapel to update some of our SFG records when I look to see two students chasing after each other. This in itself is not that unusual (in fact, it would be more awkward if someone weren't chasing after somone). As I am watching these two guys run around the yard, I come to realize that they are playing tag. Then out of no where one of the guys yells out, "Hey Toadie is a Holer, let's get him."

To which I said, "Let's not get him!" This is the part of the story where I wish sound judgement would have kicked in and that I had not picked up a rock and chucked it at the student.

Right as it left my hand, I knew that it wasn't going to be pretty. As I replay the scene in my head, I can almost hear myself yell, "Ooohh NOoooo!" Don't worry, I missed the student by 10 feet. However, to my chigrin, I nailed the glass door of the Hole and broke it into a gazillion pieces.

So I did the natural thing....I ran.

Ok, I lied about that. I just wanted you all to like me. I'm not really sure what the worst part of the whole ordeal was. It could have been...

1). When I had to call up my wife and tell her that I am basically working for free the rest of the week and that Addy is going to have to get a job.

2). When I had to call the head resident and tell them that I threw a rock at a student and nailed their front door..."yes, I am a faculty member. No, I don't think it was the wisest decision. Yes, I do think that I am a dumbass. No, I don't think that is the way that a responsible person is supposed to act. Yes, I do plan on paying for it. No, I wouldn't want our students to follow my example." (ok, none of this conversation happened either but a story about mercy isn't half as funny).

3). Having to tell our head maintenance guy, Freddie, that I broke the window. The whole time I was describing the game, my strategy for defending myself, the errant throw and my bad fortune; I felt like I was talking to my dad.

I guess the good news is that I got a good story out of the whole ordeal.

1 smal size rock (roughly $.10)
Breaking a big freaking door ($137.68)
trying to connect with students (priceless)

I look like I'm on drugs 

The Toad Strikes Back

As some of you may know, I have been going through an identity crisis the last couple of years. It all starts when someone asks me to introduce myself. Generally, I know my name, but for one reason or another whenever I stand in front of a group of new students, I always wonder if I should tell them my name is Nathan, Mr. Davenport or Toadie. This year I decided to introduce myself as Toadie. I guess we'll see where the chips fall.

On a more serious note, today marks the day that our students sign up for Spiritual Formation Groups. Last night as I was doing all the administration stuff for helping students sign up, I felt this deep sense of failure for some reason. I think it is because I am a few leaders short of what I think I will need. If you are so inclined, I would greatly appreciate your prayers for this program. SFG meant so much to me as a student. It was one of the defining moments for me in my Christian walk. I want our students to have that same kind of experience. Would you pray for God to move on our campus? Would you pray that we will do our very best in our efforts to shape our small corner of the future Church?

We were only freshmen

"For the life of me, I can't remember..."

No, really for the life of me I can't remember how the rest of this song goes. I know it had something to do with freshmen and the guy singing it really couldn't remember anything about it either. That's all I know.

This weekend is our annual freshman orientation. Its hard to believe but this year marks the 10th freshman orientation that I have been involved with. In many ways, this year has been one of the best. One of the highlights of the weekend was getting to teach one of the morning Sunday School classes. It was an absolute blast! The kids were so engaged and hungry to learn. Going into this lesson, I was nervous about whether or not I would be able to connect with them. There is nothing worse than having a bunch of incoming students walking out of your class with that "man, does that guys suck!" look on their faces. They still might have felt that way but at least they were nice about hiding it.

One of the things that we now do is break the freshmen into small groups. This is different from their SFGs or the groups that they get into for advising. I don't know what it is about the group that I have this year, but I absolutely love them. This afternoon, we played 4-square together as a team building activity. Believe it or not, this was my first time playing. I had no idea how fun it is. I'm not really sure how 4-square came to be a part of freshman orientation, but one thing is for sure...it must never be removed from the schedule--ever. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a real competitive game but I and my small group were playing for keeps. We played like poet warriors. We played liked Scottsmen (kick in Braveheart music here).

Anyhow, at the end of the match...one of my freshmen guys turns to me and says, "I am the Will Perdue of 4-square." I thought that was one of the funniest things I have heard in a long time.

Maybe the fatigue is getting to me or I am just going senile in my old age, but I don't remember a whole lot about the year that I was a freshman going through orientation. I remember going to Little Galilee and doing those faith leaps...only to have been part of the group that dropped Jeff "Homeschool" Taylor. I still swear that it wasn't our fault. The dude totally buckled his knees and fell like a cannonball. You can't catch that. The funny part in the whole thing is that Matt "More Red" than you and I, promised him that he wasn't going to fall and that we would catch him. I think that probably marked the end of Jeff ever trusting us again. Jeff, if you are out there in radio land, I am truly sorry...but it was Omar's fault.

I also remember Kellie Owens (Woodford) breaking her arm...or was it getting cut...or was it a pack of sabertooth tigers? Hmmm. I don't know what it was but I remember she had to go to the emergency room.

And then there was my first Wal-Mart run. A couple of guys from the Hole asked me if I wanted to go to Wally World and I decided that this would be a good time to meet people. When I got into their car, I was greeted by Sandy Patti. Followed by a discussion about whether she or Margaret Becker was better. What the crap!

No seriously. Lindsay just called me to go help her. Addy just pooped in the tub. Doh!

I have to go.

Habits

"The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits acquired during the first half." -Dostoevski

As I read this quote yesterday, it got me thinking about the man that I want to be during the twilight years of my life.

I hope I develop the habit of...

listening well. I want my visions to be guided by God's gentle calling. I want my wife and children to always feel like they can come to me with anything on their heart.

letting scripture dictate my decisions.

responding to others with grace.

allowing myself to be interupted by the needs of others. I am continually amazed by the numerous times that Jesus allowed himself to be interrupted by the needs of others.

taking time for the renewal of my soul.

eating healthier and exercising more frequently. I am currently on a diet that I hope turns into a lifestyle.

being a life long learner.

assuming the posture of humility over pride.

an ideology that my money is God's money.

seeing the world through a global lens.

loving my wife before myself.

being a follower prior to being a leader. I know this one goes against everything that we are ever taught, but as I look at scripture it appears to me that Christ calls us to follow him a lot more than he urges us to lead others.

patience. We used to always joke about not praying for patience but I know that this is an area that God truly wants to do some reconstruction.

being a God lover. If I may borrow a section from St. Patrick's famous prayer (sometimes caled the breastplate). I hope that I develop the habit of
"Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,Christ on my right, Christ on my left,Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,Christ in every eye that sees me,Christ in every ear that hears me."

Closing Time

If my life were a movie, this would be the part in the film when the director would play some kind of melodious music to the audience to indicate that the end of the day is slowly coming in for a gentle landing (On a sidenote: if this really is a movie, this would be a good time to get up from your chair to go to the restroom and grab yourself some nachos or something...better yet, you probably should just keep walking past the lobby up to the ticket counter to punch that pimpled face kid behind the bulletproof shield for selling you a ticket to a movie about a guy who sits in his office all day long).

Anywho, as I sit here at the end of the day wrapping up the lose ends of another hectic day of phone calls, e-mails, jokes about Greg Taylor stealing his clothes from Jimmie Buffett's closet and paperwork that would make a billygoat puke; a sense of contentment overcomes me.

Everyday before I shut down the office, I like to just stop and pause and listen to what Paul Simon must have meant when he penned, "The Sound of Silence." Today as I sit here listening to the gentle humming of the air flowing through the airvent above my head, my thoughts are consumed with thoughts about the expectations that I once had about ministry.

The question, "is this what you thought your life would be like?" keeps circling around my head. I'm not exactly sure the rhym or reason that this question sits before me starring me in the face but I am pretty sure that it has something to do with the fact that I constantly wonder if I am doing enough for the kingdom of heaven. However, in the moments that I worry about whether or not I am worthy of being in God's service I am reminded that our Lord is not as fascinated with what I do as much as he is consummed with whom I do it for. It is in these moments, I am reminded that my value doesn't reside in what I do or how much I do it as much as it resides in whom I belong to.

Two Quotes

"Wisdom is proved right by all her children." -Jesus of Nazareth

"Christianity without grace isn't Christianity." -ND

When Hearts Go Out

I don't remember the exact context of the conversation but I remember J.K. once saying in class, "when a man cries for himself, it is a sign of weakness. When a man weeps for another, it is a tribute to his strength."

I probably just butchered that quote and I will probably end up testifying before a grand jury one day about my ineptiness in remembering exact quotes, but God has impressed upon me that I need to be more compassionate in my everyday life. God is showing me examples left and right the power of his Grace.

This morning in my journey with Dr. Luke through his gospel account, I came across the story where Jesus raises to life a Widow's only son. When I heard this description, I was taken back to a funeral I was asked to attend when I was in high school for a man that was severely retarded. The reason why I was asked to come to the funeral is due to the fact that the man did not have enough friends to carry his coffin to the gravesite. The thing that sticks out the most to me about this funeral is that there was really only one person at the funeral who was weeping over his departure from this world...his mother. Even to this day, I can hear her say, "I'll never forget you Bobby."

Maybe this is a simlar scene that Jesus is coming upon in chapter 7. In verse 13, the text says, "His heart went out to her." It is moments like these I am reminded why I am a follower of Jesus. Our Lord consistantly is able to be interrupted in his day and find time to comfort those who are hurting. May God allow us the same opportunity on this day.

The Hall of Fame

I am sad to announce to everyone that I was once again looked over by the Football Hall of Fame. Please do not send me any cards, flowers or calls of condolence. I promised myself that I would be brave today and not cry. I was pretty bummed last year when I didn't get the call but I wasn't really anticipating that I would be a first ballot inductee. However, with Dan Marino going in this year, I thought that I was a lock.

I don't want to toot my own horn but I was one of the most influential members of those great Holer teams of the 90's. Just by my presence on the field, I brought out the best in all of my teammates --when I missed a tackle, my teammates realized that they had to play that much better because Toadie can't tackle. When I would drop a pass, our quarterback knew he had to be that much more precise in his passing. When I would run the wrong way on a kickoff, my teammates knew that they had to form the wedge that much better.

I know the Hall of Fame looks at a person's overall career rather than just a few games but I should have been inducted strictly on the fact that I called one of the all-time greatest upsets in sports history. I had the prophecy that Motiff would come one day and that he would deliver us in battle. Sure he only played one down that lasted about 15 seconds, but that was some of the most inspiring 15 seconds of football that I have ever seen. Even though Ben Dile had 7 sacks, Jeremiah Smith had 15 tackles and Aaron Bird threw for 3 touchdowns, everyone agreed that Motiff was hands down the MVP of that magical season.

And then there is the game that the sportswriters have labled, "The Catch...and the Fumble Recovery." It was my freshman year of the Holer-Titus game. Back in those days I could actualy run without having to sleep in an oxygen tent the next day...and I was somewhat fast...for a guy who wears husky pants. I remember the play as if it were yesterday. I lined up on the far end. Aaron Bird lined up in the shotgun position. He looked over at me and gave me wink... I then winked back. He then told me to quit winking at him and told me to go long. As I stepped to the line, no one was covering me. Titus was in a zone defense...or they thought that I sucked so bad that they should double team somebody else. I took off as fast as my chubby little legs would carry me and I was all alone. Bird stepped back and threw a deep bomb right into my hands. I remember my roommate Chuck yelled, "Oh!" And then he yelled "Oh no!" 3 seconds later when I fumbled the football.

An Earnest Appeal

This past weekend, I read the story of the Centurion in Luke 7 who sends his servants to ask Jesus to heal their Master's servant. For a multiple of reasons, this one line grabbed my heart. It says in verse 4, "They pleaded earnestly with him."

What do you find yourself pleading before the Master for?

I find myself pleading for...

A friend to come home.
Sanity in the midst of all the chaos that comes with a new semester.
God to pour out His Spirit on this generation.
A generous heart.
God to be merciful with me.
My life to make a difference in the students that he brings my way.

Snapshots of the Soul

Do you ever look at random people on the street and wonder what they are thinking about? Sometimes when I am out walking Addie in her stroller in the morning I come across various people that seem to have a lot of character in their face. When I say character in their face, I mean they are ugly. Just kidding. I mean they seem to be enthralled in deep thoughts and contemplations. They seem to have gone through many life changing moments and faced many struggles that have defined them as people.

Sometimes I wish I can just jump into their world and find out what they are all about. Unfortunately, we have laws against that kind of thing. Stinking Republicans.

Bono

Here is an interesting article that I found on Bono.

Is Bono, the lead singer and songwriter for the rock group U2, a Christian? He says he is and writes about Christianity in his lyrics. Yet many people question whether Bono is "really" a Christian, due to his notoriously bad language, liberal politics, and rock star antics (though he has been faithfully married for 23 years). But in a new book of interviews, Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas, Bono, though using some salty language, makes an explicit confession of faith.
The interviewer, Mr. Assayas, begins by asking Bono, Doesn't he think "appalling things" happen when people become religious? Bono counters, "It's a mind-blowing concept that the God who created the Universe might be looking for company, a real relationship with people, but the thing that keeps me on my knees is the difference between Grace and Karma."

The interviewer asks, What's that? "At the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one," explains Bono. "And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that. . . . Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff."
The interviewer asks, Like what? "That's between me and God. But I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge," says Bono. "It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity."
Then the interviewer marvels, "The Son of God who takes away the sins of the world. I wish I could believe in that."
"The point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world, so that what we put out did not come back to us, and that our sinful nature does not reap the obvious death," replies Bono. "It's not our own good works that get us through the gates of Heaven."

The interviewer marvels some more: "That's a great idea, no denying it. Such great hope is wonderful, even though it's close to lunacy, in my view. Christ has His rank among the world's great thinkers. But Son of God, isn't that farfetched?"

Bono comes back, "Look, the secular response to the Christ story always goes like this: He was a great prophet, obviously a very interesting guy, had a lot to say along the lines of other great prophets, be they Elijah, Muhammad, Buddha, or Confucius. But actually Christ doesn't allow you that. He doesn't let you off that hook. Christ says, No. I'm not saying I'm a teacher, don't call me teacher. I'm not saying I'm a prophet. I'm saying: 'I'm the Messiah.' I'm saying: 'I am God incarnate.' . . . So what you're left with is either Christ was who He said He was—the Messiah—or a complete nutcase. . . . The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me that's farfetched."

What is most interesting in this exchange is the reaction of the interviewer, to whom Bono is, in effect, witnessing. This hip rock journalist starts by scorning what he thinks is Christianity. But it is as if he had never heard of grace, the atonement, the deity of Christ, the gospel. And he probably hadn't. But when he hears what Christianity is actually all about, he is amazed.