26th December 2003

Boxing Day could not be more aptly named. I don't know how the rest of you are feeling. But I'm weary, tired and shocked out of my senses. I am receiving unanticipated and striking blows from all directions in a bout between me and life. And the Referee doesn't want it to stop. As my head reels, I begin to lose the calm and composure my fans outside the ring loved me for. They are still cheering me, but are oblivious to my inner state. They trust my capabilities too much to accept that I can ever collapse. Maybe they can see me squint as the lights get brighter, and all else becomes a confusing blur. But after all, this fight has been the longest one ever staged. No way is it going to stop now. Nope. Cannot be. The Referee won't let it, the fans won't accept it, and my managers and the organisers have too large a stake in it for it to stop. I don't have the heart nor the energy nor the will to tell them about the intensity of the blows. Divine drama or mere entertainment...who the hell will ever know?

-end-

24th December 2003

It is vital and of utmost importance to ALWAYS keep the lines open between us and our higher selves. Our higher self can keep us focused. It may chide us and scold us, may laugh at our innocence and naivety, and at what we thought were ready-made 'solutions' to life and the problems associated with the human birth, but it will always lead us to a state of satisfaction never before imagined as possible or achievable. We may not always be right, and feel guilty and moronic afterwards, but just like a loving Father who understands his child's level of understanding and innocence, He forgives us and encourages us to move on. But we must first accept that we are all children, and are ready to be embraced, loved and not only are we ready to be guided, but also to be protected.

The higher self will speak to you when you are ready to talk to it. It is NOT an abstract concept. It actually exists and speaks to you in whatever language you are comfortable with. It is just a matter of commitment and belief. So spare some time for yourself.

-end-

22nd December 2003

Several random things to share today. Not sure if they would ever link, but they are the thoughts of the day. And in no particular order. :)

1) This filmmaking business is eating my head, because when I am occupied with a million other things, I wish I could spend more time on creative pursuits. But now that I am suddenly free, I am bored and am no longer interested in the long term. I want to write something achievable over this holiday period. So that's what I did yesterday night. Moral of the story is everyone's time will come, and so will mine, as far as the major blockbuster feature film is concerned. Start small, at your own pace, and don't give a damn about those guilt pangs. They are something like hunger pangs I think. So simply exercise, and eat well.

2) Sometimes, although it may seem that the worse state of mind is that of uncertainty, wherein, a yes or no is preferred to don't know, it is great not to know too much, i.e. even to the extent of deliberatley unlearning. This simplifies our life, makes us more humble and flexible, much more receptive to change, and basically keeps us happy and in good spirits all the time. So try it for a while. Unlearn whatever complicated theories of life you have come up with, and I dare say, even if they have come about from experience, because age is a matter of mind, and if you don't mind, then it doesn't matter. Please do share with me if your life has changed as a result, and if it hasn't, keep trying anyway. :))

3) Finally, a quote from John Donne, read it off the starting page of Vikram Seth's novel, "An Equal Music" : And into the gate they shall enter, and in that house they shall dwell, where they shall be no cloud nor sun, no darkness nor dazzling, but one equal light, no noise nor silence, but one equal music, no fears nor hopes, but one equal posession, no foes nor friends, but one equal communion and identity, no ends nor beginnings, but one equal eternity

-end-

18th December 2003

A calm, satisfactory end that still however, feels like an anticlimax. But I
meet people with so much joy and positivity, have coffee with them, and then I
realise bigger, more pertinent truths. One of them is that spirituality is
manifesting and growing in everyone at such a rapid pace, that all you need to
do is look into someone's eyes, say one wise line about life in general, and
then out comes the outpour from the other side. I no longer feel alienated.
Neither do I feel the need to lift a finger or open my mouth. Perhaps we were
deliberately made by the Creator in such a way, so that our thoughts and
energies alone could influence those around us, without us actually realising
it all the time. Remember the filth under the silk carpet? Somehow, it slipped
my mind. Maybe I don't need to do a thing, because I'm sure it will all work
out on its own, weather permitting of course. In any case, that's the only
anticlimactic part of life these days.

A prayer for Christmas and the New Year: O Lord, help me to help myself
cleanse my intellect to be able to probe further into the glorious human soul;
Set me back or thrust me forward, but keep me moving, physically, or
emotionally. Or else this weather will move me to tears.

-end-

14th December 2003

I'm sure I have multiple personality disorder, because my other personality just talked to me. For the first time, he was very forthcoming. It was a funny feeling, because I was not a third person, yet felt like one, despite the fact that both personalities define me. At this point, I don't see the point in writing this, or I cannot even remember why I started writing this email. I guess when the other guy takes over this body, I might be able to write something funny, or tragic or whatever this series of emails was meant to portray. I know all of you, but right now, I don't know why I'm writing to YOU in particular. When I do, I might be able to write something of sense, to you. Right now, I have better things to do. Piece of advice, if you feel this other guy irritates you with whatever junk he writes, because I'm sure it must be junk, because I hate his guts, then please let him know. I know for sure that he'll crumble like a McVities Wholemeal biscuit. But beware, he might just call you to complain and you may end up with more of your time wasted than you thought you could save. Now this email is getting longer and funnier, so I guess the other guy seems to be taking over. He just loves it when I'm at the keyboard. Another medium for him to tell the world what a loving, charming and funny intellectual he is. Ok, I should press the send button before it goes too far.

-end-

7th December 2003

I have realised it should take me only about half a second to give up on someone, and cut all ties. But this would never happen unless I absolutely know that there isn't any hope left, and that it was best if I moved on. It has happened before in the past, and so I have no fear. Many of those who have till this point, smiled along and laughed along with me, will find me very difficult to cope with, because I will question till I know all, and when I do, it'll be time for some serious kick-ass drycleaning. Some may term this suicide, but I'd rather be a martyr than a living and breathing epitome of ignorance.

May the truth be upheld, and because my intentions are clear, take me for a ride O Lord, but make sure that I never deviate from The Path. And of course, that my seatbelts are tightly fastened!!! :)

Ganpatti Baba Morrya!!!

-end-

4th December 2003

Truth is a double edged sword, but it may hurt you and others for only a short while. I took a brief hiatus from myself last night. I bared my heart and soul. And when you have genuine faith in the powers of speaking the truth, all your uncertainties and confusion are driven away almost immediately. Yesterday, I was uncertain of my mission, and purpose. But before the clock struck 12, my ride on the emotional roller coaster came to an abrupt halt. Strange coincidences occured at the right time to help me realise my mission. In short, there is a lot of filth under the silk carpet. And it's my job to clear it. Truth is on my side, and so I cannot and will not fail, come what may.

-end-

2nd December 2003

It was a 9am test in a long time, but the biggest test came at 10, when I realised the 'Mehendi Lagake Rakhna" kudi and her other pals had put their explicit faith in me last week. Actually, it was in my intelligence, maybe my intelligent looks, or maybe in the way I had convinced them that "clothing is not an inferior good in this context and blah blah...". For those of you who understand economics, there are times when there is no right answer. But I really screwed up this time. I tried to get the message across earlier, but failed. I don't know what she and her gang are thinking at this moment, but I have some massive Karma to shed. I cannot give them my marks, but the Dilwale Dulhaniya Lejayenge kudi could get free tuition from me to salvage the remaining 75% in January. Judging by her "intelligent" looks, even a smile would be a rarity. So what now?

-end-