26th December 2003

Boxing Day could not be more aptly named. I don't know how the rest of you are feeling. But I'm weary, tired and shocked out of my senses. I am receiving unanticipated and striking blows from all directions in a bout between me and life. And the Referee doesn't want it to stop. As my head reels, I begin to lose the calm and composure my fans outside the ring loved me for. They are still cheering me, but are oblivious to my inner state. They trust my capabilities too much to accept that I can ever collapse. Maybe they can see me squint as the lights get brighter, and all else becomes a confusing blur. But after all, this fight has been the longest one ever staged. No way is it going to stop now. Nope. Cannot be. The Referee won't let it, the fans won't accept it, and my managers and the organisers have too large a stake in it for it to stop. I don't have the heart nor the energy nor the will to tell them about the intensity of the blows. Divine drama or mere entertainment...who the hell will ever know?

-end-

24th December 2003

It is vital and of utmost importance to ALWAYS keep the lines open between us and our higher selves. Our higher self can keep us focused. It may chide us and scold us, may laugh at our innocence and naivety, and at what we thought were ready-made 'solutions' to life and the problems associated with the human birth, but it will always lead us to a state of satisfaction never before imagined as possible or achievable. We may not always be right, and feel guilty and moronic afterwards, but just like a loving Father who understands his child's level of understanding and innocence, He forgives us and encourages us to move on. But we must first accept that we are all children, and are ready to be embraced, loved and not only are we ready to be guided, but also to be protected.

The higher self will speak to you when you are ready to talk to it. It is NOT an abstract concept. It actually exists and speaks to you in whatever language you are comfortable with. It is just a matter of commitment and belief. So spare some time for yourself.

-end-

22nd December 2003

Several random things to share today. Not sure if they would ever link, but they are the thoughts of the day. And in no particular order. :)

1) This filmmaking business is eating my head, because when I am occupied with a million other things, I wish I could spend more time on creative pursuits. But now that I am suddenly free, I am bored and am no longer interested in the long term. I want to write something achievable over this holiday period. So that's what I did yesterday night. Moral of the story is everyone's time will come, and so will mine, as far as the major blockbuster feature film is concerned. Start small, at your own pace, and don't give a damn about those guilt pangs. They are something like hunger pangs I think. So simply exercise, and eat well.

2) Sometimes, although it may seem that the worse state of mind is that of uncertainty, wherein, a yes or no is preferred to don't know, it is great not to know too much, i.e. even to the extent of deliberatley unlearning. This simplifies our life, makes us more humble and flexible, much more receptive to change, and basically keeps us happy and in good spirits all the time. So try it for a while. Unlearn whatever complicated theories of life you have come up with, and I dare say, even if they have come about from experience, because age is a matter of mind, and if you don't mind, then it doesn't matter. Please do share with me if your life has changed as a result, and if it hasn't, keep trying anyway. :))

3) Finally, a quote from John Donne, read it off the starting page of Vikram Seth's novel, "An Equal Music" : And into the gate they shall enter, and in that house they shall dwell, where they shall be no cloud nor sun, no darkness nor dazzling, but one equal light, no noise nor silence, but one equal music, no fears nor hopes, but one equal posession, no foes nor friends, but one equal communion and identity, no ends nor beginnings, but one equal eternity

-end-

18th December 2003

A calm, satisfactory end that still however, feels like an anticlimax. But I
meet people with so much joy and positivity, have coffee with them, and then I
realise bigger, more pertinent truths. One of them is that spirituality is
manifesting and growing in everyone at such a rapid pace, that all you need to
do is look into someone's eyes, say one wise line about life in general, and
then out comes the outpour from the other side. I no longer feel alienated.
Neither do I feel the need to lift a finger or open my mouth. Perhaps we were
deliberately made by the Creator in such a way, so that our thoughts and
energies alone could influence those around us, without us actually realising
it all the time. Remember the filth under the silk carpet? Somehow, it slipped
my mind. Maybe I don't need to do a thing, because I'm sure it will all work
out on its own, weather permitting of course. In any case, that's the only
anticlimactic part of life these days.

A prayer for Christmas and the New Year: O Lord, help me to help myself
cleanse my intellect to be able to probe further into the glorious human soul;
Set me back or thrust me forward, but keep me moving, physically, or
emotionally. Or else this weather will move me to tears.

-end-

14th December 2003

I'm sure I have multiple personality disorder, because my other personality just talked to me. For the first time, he was very forthcoming. It was a funny feeling, because I was not a third person, yet felt like one, despite the fact that both personalities define me. At this point, I don't see the point in writing this, or I cannot even remember why I started writing this email. I guess when the other guy takes over this body, I might be able to write something funny, or tragic or whatever this series of emails was meant to portray. I know all of you, but right now, I don't know why I'm writing to YOU in particular. When I do, I might be able to write something of sense, to you. Right now, I have better things to do. Piece of advice, if you feel this other guy irritates you with whatever junk he writes, because I'm sure it must be junk, because I hate his guts, then please let him know. I know for sure that he'll crumble like a McVities Wholemeal biscuit. But beware, he might just call you to complain and you may end up with more of your time wasted than you thought you could save. Now this email is getting longer and funnier, so I guess the other guy seems to be taking over. He just loves it when I'm at the keyboard. Another medium for him to tell the world what a loving, charming and funny intellectual he is. Ok, I should press the send button before it goes too far.

-end-

7th December 2003

I have realised it should take me only about half a second to give up on someone, and cut all ties. But this would never happen unless I absolutely know that there isn't any hope left, and that it was best if I moved on. It has happened before in the past, and so I have no fear. Many of those who have till this point, smiled along and laughed along with me, will find me very difficult to cope with, because I will question till I know all, and when I do, it'll be time for some serious kick-ass drycleaning. Some may term this suicide, but I'd rather be a martyr than a living and breathing epitome of ignorance.

May the truth be upheld, and because my intentions are clear, take me for a ride O Lord, but make sure that I never deviate from The Path. And of course, that my seatbelts are tightly fastened!!! :)

Ganpatti Baba Morrya!!!

-end-

4th December 2003

Truth is a double edged sword, but it may hurt you and others for only a short while. I took a brief hiatus from myself last night. I bared my heart and soul. And when you have genuine faith in the powers of speaking the truth, all your uncertainties and confusion are driven away almost immediately. Yesterday, I was uncertain of my mission, and purpose. But before the clock struck 12, my ride on the emotional roller coaster came to an abrupt halt. Strange coincidences occured at the right time to help me realise my mission. In short, there is a lot of filth under the silk carpet. And it's my job to clear it. Truth is on my side, and so I cannot and will not fail, come what may.

-end-

2nd December 2003

It was a 9am test in a long time, but the biggest test came at 10, when I realised the 'Mehendi Lagake Rakhna" kudi and her other pals had put their explicit faith in me last week. Actually, it was in my intelligence, maybe my intelligent looks, or maybe in the way I had convinced them that "clothing is not an inferior good in this context and blah blah...". For those of you who understand economics, there are times when there is no right answer. But I really screwed up this time. I tried to get the message across earlier, but failed. I don't know what she and her gang are thinking at this moment, but I have some massive Karma to shed. I cannot give them my marks, but the Dilwale Dulhaniya Lejayenge kudi could get free tuition from me to salvage the remaining 75% in January. Judging by her "intelligent" looks, even a smile would be a rarity. So what now?

-end-

28th November 2003

The day after was the day of reconciliation: Maybe I thought I slept well, and maybe because I prayed for all of her sleepless nights, uncertainty and confusion to be mine, was I drained of energy, both mentally and physically. Met the Dilwale Dulhaniya girl as well, and for the first time, actually spoke to her. This time, there wasn't any of that 'Mehendi Lagake Rakhna' music throbbing in my head. Somebody else asked me why I was looking confused. I said a lot was going on. She had read my poetry the night before. She told me there was much more to life than University. I gave a slight smirk. Sure there was.

And with that, I forgot my next line.

-end-

25th November 2003

No sane person walks away from a source of love. But some of us, after having experienced THE source of love, are expected to sacrifice old ones, and move on- not only to experience new ones, but help create them in another place or time. Our lives are not in our hands. Only the understanding of it is.

-end-

Lost and Found Revelation!

16th November 2003

Lord,

give me courage and strength to dispose of and disclose my heart's contents with innate urgency and sense of purpose the next time I set my eyes on the living breathing form

i could not keep this blog consistent, but the above act has to be fresh and vibrant the way it was when it was first conceived. please no chinese whisper type of diminishing marginal productivity.

by the way, did you know,

the cold can mellow you down, and in such sorrow, can drown

the chill can darken your yellow, and in such colour, so shallow

this love can warm you up, and in such drowsiness, just shut up

this love can lighten your soul, and in such weightlessness,

propose.



You have always kept your end of promises. This one shouldn't be any different. But it's not an individual thing anymore na, so I'm telling those who should immediately know. If after today, I keep floating higher, the rest should figure out why.

Cheers mate,

In your service always,

P

8th November 2003

As I write, the moon has already entered the penumbra stage, where it is getting dimmer, the beginning of the lunar eclipse. Strange that only last week, I mentioned D-Day will occur on the full moon day. D-Day is tomorrow. The entire world is elevated. The occurence right now, has not happened in 6000 years. We as humans will develop such high levels of intuition, that the language of love, will truly become the language of the heart. Nothing has to be spoken, everything will be understood. What we desire or visualise or dream about will actually occur. We will only dream of love and God from now on, and when we dream of love and God only, life's jigsaw puzzles will begin to fit in perfectly, in perfect coordination and silent humble sync. The pleasant coincidences and rare tiny miracles of the past, are no longer rare, but instead, bare and for the taking, every single second hereafter...

Outside, the wind is blowing,

the leaves are falling,

autumn is brewing,

and Sunday is coming.

-end-

Today's Outpour with a poem!

7th November 2003

Tomorrow will be a good day, and the day after, even better. Today, I was again in a state of denial, only very recently acknowledging that I can get tired and scared. Is this a nutritional issue? Or is it the weather? But we have mentioned that countless times haven't we? Is this creative writing? Or a stress buster? Is this entertainment? Do people care what I write about? Do I care what people think? Am I sounding depressed? But I'm not usually like that. So it must be entertainment. Today, someone asked me about my past, enquiring about my accent. And then later on, I talked about my future. Write a novel, run a restaurant, produce and direct a multi million dollar film, and drive a red Ferrari. All before 35? Don't know, but right now, I need a punching bag.

-end-

Note: Please let me know if any of this is affecting you. I will totally understand, no reasons have to be given, and if a lot of people feel this way, I'll stop writing this altogether.

The Bonus Poem :) As D-Day is coming closer, I thought, why not share something I wrote sometime back, when I was depressed, sick, and in need of some emotional support. Would you believe it? Well, read the following, and form your own judgements...

Nurse

Slow and deliberate
On a cold lonely night
My back won't budge
And my sickness is such...

I hum a pleasant tune
And chew on fruit and nut
I heave and sneeze again
Ah, this calm yet lazy brain..

I begin to miss you
And in such sickness my love
An imperfect me and timing
But a perfect, sad longing...

Sitting immobile and numb
My back won't budge
But how to reach the payphone?
Can't even cook my dinner, too damn alone...

6th November 2003

You have to be in my shoes to appreciate what a complex world I live in. Hear this straight from the horse's mouth. My immediate short term future is so uncertain, and yet the things I'm doing seem to indicate that I can't really leave Glasgow. I'm surprised, that with such uncertainty, my actions have a cool air of nonchalance dancing about them. How easy will it be to leave it all? Practically speaking, not very difficult, but emotionally, very difficult. This is not a case of ordinary acquaintances anymore, but of a bond yet to be formed. The Divine's direction seems unclear to me as well, because today, pleasant surprises, creepy coincidences and the instant gratification of wishes freaked me to such an extent, that I might just 'pop' any minute. 'Pop' as in leave the city of Glasgow, through liberation or otherwise.

-end-

5th November 2003

I was afraid in a long time about getting too bogged down with work. The sensation came and went so fast, like a skip in one's heartbeat. Although I was diagnosed with irregular heartbeat as a child, I have always resisted initial advice warning me against strenuous exercise. Now, years later, someone's heartbeat will be an important ally. I need to know mine well enough to be able to remain calm when someone else's goes out of control. In principle, that would be wonderful- it gives away the person's emotional state, the way tears and flushed cheeks sometimes don't. You can get that cutting onions.

-end-

4th November 2003

It gets dark so fast, there isn't enough time to take in the sunshine. This makes me a lazy cook most of the time, because the compelling darkness depresses me very fast. The messy kitchen is also a big barrier. But I was determined to cook aloo sabji ka saag today. I slept through my International Marketing lecture, and so was fresh when I entered the kitchen. Once upon a time I was nervous, and now I'm so good, that I can't help smiling. Good people are good cooks, and those willing to follow Mom's instructions closely are even better. God bless all the Moms in the world and their respective masalas.

-end-

2nd November 2003

Today, my life was about to come full circle. Remember this phrase, because it will be significant in the near future. I was to do something I had always dreamt about. But an anti-climax, a beautiful morning, and a near fatal accident later...and what was I to know. The company of friends, the uncertainty of events, and following Renu di's wedding plan meeting, it was to the movies, and before you know it, the bliss of a lifetime in Edinburgh, the elevation by seemingly mere mortals, but actually born to entertain, Ustad Zakir Hussain and Company...the moon was a little more than a half full, but eventually it will be, and by the time it would be, I would have said what I was destined to.

-end-

31/10/2003

The Divine is a wonder we will never fathom. But when you sincerely make an effort, and when the Divine thinks you really are ready, you will be not only be accorded the intellect to help others, you would be disciplined enough to practice whatever you preach. Your sense of divine purpose becomes clearer, and you will be at the right place at the right time. Ego hardly makes an entry. We may seem to be physically calm and composed, but inside, we are crazily dancing in bliss.

-end-

A Blog Overdue- The Necessary Outpour

The beginning of a Blog long overdue. Do read, smile or cry. No obligation to reply. Because there's so much that hasn't yet come out. And because it needs to, and because mere poetry is static, and films take too long, here's my daily, sometimes twice or thrice a week outpour in a blog format. Love you all and God will bless.

30th October 2003

I'm sitting writing this weeping willfully, and very excited about the sudden importance of emotions and symbols, the kind of associations we all form with music, and then suddenly think of a near or distant past. More recently, I have been overawed by little things like late night studying, the romance of the weather, crying listening to Lucky Ali, and even more crying adapting his lyrics and philosophical undertone to a scenario with a loved one. Time for lunch now, and then class, and the mean mean world of international marketing.

-end-