The War In My Head

The War in My Head

I, like every other woman I know, struggle with body image.  As I approach my 40th birthday, I had hoped that this life-long battle would become more background static rather than a full-blown grunge band bringing tears to my eyes because of it's loud, irritating noise.

As a thirteen-year-old, every girl goes through the emotions of puberty combined with awkward growth spurts, resulting in a negative opinion about your body.  I experienced that right along with everyone else, but then something happened.  I discovered that I could control how I felt about myself by controlling the thoughts in my head.  By telling myself daily that I like who I was, I clawed my way out of the grunge band pit and smiled, despite my crooked teeth.  An amazing thing happened - people smiled back.  Soon, I had many friends.  I did not deserve popularity because of my looks. I was far from beautiful, but because I was okay with myself, those around me felt better about being okay with themselves.

This life-altering discovery carried me through my difficult teenage years and into my early twenties, when my body really was at it's best and I didn't have to work so hard at being okay with myself.

In my late twenties, I had a terrifying brush with a terminal illness, as a result I gained a new, loving appreciation for my body.  It's God given healing properties are magnificent!  I discovered the difference between beautiful and functional and the true value of each.

Now as I approach forty, those difficult lessons seem to fade away as I look at this strange person in the mirror who is carrying an extra lump in her middle.  Where did that come from? What purpose does it have?  And....what do I do about it?

For the last two or three years this battle that I've fought on and off my whole life seems to have intensified.  A confusion and contradiction of idea's rages in my mind.  
My teenage self says, "Be okay with yourself and it elevates others around you to do the same."
My 20-year-old self says, "Be so grateful you can still walk and run and chase your kids around."
My almost-40-self is screaming, "Look at you, you chub-a-lub, go on a diet!"
My 20-year-old self screams back, "NO! Don't hurt your body with anything extreme.  Exercise if you want, but don't push it - you know what can happen.  It's not worth it!"
My teenage self says, "Work on your mind, you can like yourself despite the changes."
My almost-40-self snaps back, "Ya, well, you didn't have to post yourself on facebook for the freaking world to see!"

And thus the battle rages.

Social media is a curse, as far as body-image is concerned.  Fifteen years ago the oh-so-annoying-woman-in-you, would occasionally compare yourself to your circle of friends, neighbors or relatives.  A small circle that would undoubtedly include an average selection of big, medium and small people in height, weight and looks.  Now all we have to do is look on facebook to invite 300+ people who are your "friends" into your home.  You don't have to "browse" through these crowds of "friends" for very long before you feel completely old, ugly and boring.  Nope, nothing cool here. I didn't go on a smashing vacation and sit on the beach looking so sexy in my swim suit.  In truth, my vacation was rather ordinary, but fun.  I looked like a middle-aged mom digging in the sand with my kiddo's.  Upon reviewing the pictures we took, there are none I care to post of myself.  Is that wrong?  Am I ashamed of what I look like?  Should I be confident in myself enough to tell the world - hey here I am on a vacation?  Or can I just by-pass the whole experience and keep my vacation to myself, where it was all about me and my family and not about telling the world?

The pressures of social media are pulling me away from who I want to be.  I want to be the Maggon who smiles and laughs.  I want to give my financial, emotional and physical strength to my family and not become a slave to body-image maintenance.  I want to be healthy, which miraculously I am and I want to keep it that way!  Healthy in mind, body and spirit.  This battle must end and I must be the victor!

Satan - get thee hence!

I can be healthy, happy AND a little bit chubby too!

Surprise Visit from Mom and Dad

 Mom and Dad came to visit us this fall.  We were delighted to have them stay for a few days.  I took them up to Cottonwood Lake for a picnic.  It was beautiful.  We also spent a day in Jackson Hole.  It was great fun!

 This is the scene at our house after our guest have left us.  We have been blessed to have hosted several family members and friends at our house this summer and fall.  When they leave there is weeping.  I would like to say it is only Cassidi that throws a tantrum and cries, but alas  I must admit I join her on occasion.

Mermaid Princess and Vampire Queen

 Clanci was a mermaid princess for halloween.  Not Ariel, but princess non the less.  The crown was a must.

 Cassidi was a Vampire Queen (whatever that is) and here are the princess's with their wicked witch mother.

It snowed on Halloween, so the coats covered the costumes.  The crowns were great at catching snow flakes, though.

Clanci gets to go to school

 Hooray!  Clanci finally got to join her sister at school.  After enduring a whole year of being home alone without her sister, Clanci was so happy to go to school.

Summer Fun at the Lake(s)

 Crystal Lake.  Yes, it is summer even though we are in our winter coats.  We actually camped that night on the mountain, but it is cold up there even in the middle of the summer.

 The waters falls that feed Crystal Lake. 

 Cassidi being the camera-girl at Crystal Lake.

 Cleveland Reservoir.  Fishing during the "Palmer Reunion".  Chad is showing a fine example of a good cast.

 Bear Lake.  We went to Bear Lake several time this summer.  What a beautiful and fun place to spend the day.

Palisade Lake.  Not quite the sandy beaches of Bear Lake.  The mud is amazing but the lake is beautiful.

Star Valley Home

I complain about the winters here and its true, they are brutal.  However, when the snow leaves and everything turns green, it's hard to remember the misery of winter.  The greens here are richer, the blue's deeper.  I am amazed at the beauty of this valley, in all its moods.  This is our little 20 acre farm, on the "meadows".  The line of willows behind the house is the Salt River.

Oops forgot! Cassidi turned 6 (don't they ever stop having birthdays?)

Sometimes I really wish my girls would stop growing.  They are getting so big, so fast. Cassidi's birthday always comes around Easter.  We went to St. George for Easter/spring break and had some very needed sunshine.  We have discovered that the sun literally does NOT shine for 2-3 solid months, in Wyoming.  It is seriously overcast for three months.  Crazy!  Here are the girls in their Easter Dresses.

 Cassidi got a pinata for her birthday and she and her cousins had a great time smashing it and getting the Candy.

 We had two birthday parties for Cassidi.  One with all her cousins in Utah and one at home with just us.  This is her princess cake in Utah.

 She looks kind of like the devil with horns in this picture, but it is actually a crown.

 Birthday Cake #2.  At home with just me and Trav and Clanci.