红潮

And i got a cap of 4.0 for my 1st sem!

Okay its not fantastic but i can do with it. Given how things didn’t exact work out that well for me this sem, I guess its a commendable results =)

F.I.R got a new album! Its really not that fantastic but i think i just miss some of the F.I.R kind of songs. I’m not sure why everyone seem to be focusing on 荆棘里的花. Although its listenable and not too bad but i do prefer 向日葵盛开的夏天 and 红潮 more. And i think 红潮 is “exciting” cause its talking about one of those nameless state/emotions which i can totally understand.

红潮

再小的花蕊也过了寒冬
春天又来了绽放成野火
暗红的浪冲散岸边的花的花

夜送了友人渡过了今宵
远行的船帆伫立着不摇
今天的风吹入心中的痛
有谁能能知道

我看着红红蓝蓝深海中
有一片红叶飘浮在水面
仿佛是我的生活
摆荡在冬天的浪中的浪中
摆荡在冬天的浪中红潮中

A WANT

After a while, I start to realise that maybe things haven’t changed that much.

In the end, for better or worse, some things just seem to stick on.

Sometimes after the deja vu and realising that I’m struggling with the same stuff over and again, I wish I can make a clean break and just start myself all over again.

Still, we all know that its quite impossible.

I’m unsatisfied in many ways but if there’s no way to restart, i guess I can only move forward.

That’s why I always want to try my best, even though sometimes everything just turns out to be a disaster.

But i must admit a “want” is very much different from actually doing it haha.

动摇

今天的我比任何人都容易动摇

就好像那一切所坚持过的，都可以在一瞬间瓦解

所以我不由自主地怀疑着

也许我始终走不到那理想中的国度

I’m not sure how to go about describing today. It’s just so surreal. Its like although nothing really important happened, but so much was going on in my head. Its one of those days when I’m suddenly plagued by a flood of uncertainties, insecurities and worries.I’m well aware of what triggered it off but still, its so overwhelmingingly difficult to put down. I really really don’t like to regret things like that so I really really hope that everything will turn out fine in the end. But right now, I guess I’m just so unconvinced.

你看不到的天空

Mkt is such a killer to study with all its overwhelming content and confusing notes! And while people are finishing all their exams, I ‘m still stuck with 3 more papers to go, which won’t be over until like next thurs =(

But I’m currently looping 你看不到的天空 by 蔡旻佑 over and over. Its so nice that I absolutely cannot stop listening to it and its quite amazing cause i really wasn’t much of a 蔡旻佑 fan/listener. But it seems he has improved quite a lot in his new album and I absolutely like such songs which are full of 画面感. Its nice to start liking something alot again, even if its during this awful mugging period haha.

http://www.youmaker.com/

蔡旻佑 你看不到的天空

好像飘浮了很久
自从那天你放开了手
应该是两个人来的港口
我一个人在虚拟温柔

用你的目光看海
可乐冰痛了我的指头
幸福又快乐的地球人
不断从我的身边经过

对你还能怎麼说 能怎麼做
做什麼也都不够
插在口袋中
是没有人来握住的手

我的表情并不多 心也不痛
我只不过是不懂
世界在热闹什麼

我在你看不到的天空 
看著灿烂的烟火
这城市孤单的人只有我

没有谁在乎 谁跟谁分手
每个时钟都继续转动

许下你听不到的承诺 
流星怎麼不坠落
在倒数声中我剩下什麼

没有谁甘心 对回忆爱不释手
但我无力对抗 这整个世界的寂寞

我该如何去面对 整个世界的寂寞

And its time to get back to Mkt.

BACK WHILE MUGGING

And its the time of the yr again when productivity is measured by the no. of sets of notes covered for each day. I know i have been neglecting my blog for like ages but its quite amazing how i can actually sit down and blog in the midst of mugging for the dreaded papers coming up in about 9 days.

Inbetween this period, alot of things happened but I didn’t have the time and energy to blog them down. So i guess i’m just going to let it pass like that, although i’m still hoping for the needed companionship somewhere. Its hurts when you realise you always have to wander off somewhere and handle things alone. Like when I get myself involved in helping to organise next year’s FOC, I was hoping to find some like-minded fellows but it seems like i getting more trouble trying to pacify everyone and getting myself angry over all the worthless complaints/discouragements. Sigh, okay I have to push it out of my head and get back to my mugging.

Hopefully I can get myself back into the blogging sphere after the exams!

PSYCHOPATH

Whoa lao, I got myself into a mess again!!!

I totally screw up my DSC mid-terms! And its like totally my fault cause I was somewhat overly sure that I could handle the problems so I didn’t really do much revision before the actual test today. I totally blanked out during the stupid test and yeah, I couldn’t even do easy things like sensitivity analysis and all that. So while everyone was busy “optimising” about it after the test, I was secretly killing myself over my retardedness. And now I have to keep psychoing myself to stop myself from falling into that state of depression and despair, that its really not the end and that I should learn to buck up and I can still make it if I do really really well for all my other tests and modules. But its so hard to stop myself from “pessimising” myself into depression. And I keep wondering why I have to try so hard to do well or why I have to try so hard to keep myself above that line of depression. Its not like I even have a really valid reason to work towards… shit, I falling below that line again, sigh.

Oh days like this, I just want to give it all up and walk away.

But I very well know I can’t!

So I should start/continue to sigh and try hard.

I feel like I’m suffering from a mental breakdown and I feel like laughing at myself. What a psychopath. Sigh.

UPDATE!

It’s been way too long since i long blogged! It’s not like there weren’t stuff for me to blog about, but I was just too lazy or too tired to blog.

Even though it’s still recess week now, I’m still quite busy trying to work my way through in preparation for the mid-terms coming up next week. But somehow I always find myself infront of the computer indulging in some other past-times haha.

And I just cannot stress enough, how much I hate acc right now. Actually I’m still relatively okay with the subject, but what really irritates me is the way they go about designing acc questions. I hate it when they throw in seemingly irrelevant information and I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to do with these random bits of information. I think my irritation is also partly caused by the fact that I didn’t get the acc textbook. It’s really troublesome when they keep setting independent study sections and questions in the lecture notes and tutorials. Once or twice is okay, but you really don’t have to include it in EVERY set of lectures notes and tutorials. If an acc tutorial that takes days and days to complete isn’t bad enough, it gets worse when I realise I cannot complete it until I get my hands on the stupid acc textbook. And that will probably have to wait until school reopens.

CNM is starting to get on my nerves with the seemingly overwhelming amount of readings and what’s worse is that I have no idea what I should be studying haha. The CNM dept was so helpful that they only told us we should study materials from wk 1 to wk 6 and yeah, that’s about it. Its like trying to study Bio/Econs when you haven’t seen or tried any practice questions before.

And I want to say that somethings are just so 天意弄人. Things just aren’t in my favour and I always wish I could have been luckier, or that things would have been better for me, but sometimes its just too tiring. And I just cannot get enough of this line from 苏打绿’s 近未来:

多少次宁愿都重新开始

过去一直去未来一直来

只有现在...

WHY LIKE THAT!

I feel like I’m in a total mess right now! There’s so many things I should be doing but I’m not!

AHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday and today are those kinds of days when i just feel like killing myself!
I know I shouldn’t have but after taking a look at some videos of 五月天 DNA Concert yesterday, i was so filled with regret for not being there! The concert looks so exciting cause they sang some songs that I really wanted to hear live and immerse in ( 拥抱，如烟，温柔 etc.) And they actually sang until 12midnight! (How exciting is that!)

BUT

I WASN’T THERE!!!!!

AND

I’M NOT THERE TONIGHT EITHER!

WHY LIKE THAT????!!!!

(I feel like my world has ended cause I’m filled with too much regret today)

=(

KTV

We went for a ktv session with dawei, hz and ky on Sat! It was like 2 years since we got together again for a ktv, but we ended up singing the same few songs =)
It was quite fun for me, compared to some other ktv sessions I’ve attended previously, cause I think the 4 of us share relatively/somewhat similar interests in certain songs so we can pick our songs comfortably without worrying about alienating people who may not know the songs. Personally, I thought it was one of my better ktv session already, partly cause i didn’t try to attempt those difficult songs and I didn’t try to match the pitch of some of the singers as well haha. But well, I’m quite irritated that I seem to be stuck in the lower registers all the time, but it doesn’t seem like things would be getting any better anytime soon so yeah, guess I just have to live with it =(
On the other hand, I forsee our next ktv outing to be at least a year away?

Went for Zh’s and Wenyi’s combined 21st birthday party after that!
haha it was simple but nice. The food was quite good as well and I think its really neat to have those additional snacks for the guests to munch on while having out chit-chats and all that. And we finally met Daryl who’s finally back in Singapore permanently haha.
I did have some brief concerns for a while but I decided I’m going to try to stick to my choice. Just take things as they come then.

And I really want to go for the 五月天 concert!

JUST BEFORE THE START

And I guess I’m really going to start Uni!

But i think I have lost much of my zeal and enthusiasm by now. It feels bothersome and mind-bogglingly irritating now. Partially cause I’m too used to not having to do any serious thinking, planning and considering. Frankly (unlike many others have claimed), I was never really worried that my brain has aged/rusted/degraded so much that I won’t be able to pick up studying again. I just feel that I would be able to deal with it and I don’t see it as much of an issue to worry about. It isn’t confidence or anything like that but I don’t think its anything I should worry about haha.

Rather, I’m more worried about meeting people there. It has become like a reflex reaction. If history had taught me something, it would be that I should never get my hopes up too high. But still, I really really need to hold onto some of those hopes. Wouldn’t it be a sin if I should condemn the future without giving it a chance to show me what’s its really like? That’s why I always hoping but sometimes, I feel like I’m just praying for a miracle without believing in it. It probably explains why I’m not feeling too great about going for another orientation next week. Its just so tiring to watch your hopes bubble up and burst again and again. Sigh, somehow while I’m still lost and floundering in this period of ignorance and uncertainty, I would say I’m still waiting for that sudden revelation or glimmer of light.

I decided I should officially make a distinction between being mentally prepared and being emotionally prepared. Even if you have already thought through, considered and decided on a certain matter, it really doesn’t mean that you are emotionally prepared to go along with it. Now that i said it out, it seems like its such a common-sense kind of thing but somehow i thought it was really important that I set down this distinction for myself.

不远处有一片土 站了一棵枯的树

过了好几天，我想也该想到过后了。

转了又转，也总会有到站的一天。

因为有了适当的结论，所以想重新开始，却不知道可以重新开始到个舍麽样的程度。

开始走吧。

About the 21st

I had my 21st Birthday gathering yesterday!
I never used the word party cause it wasn’t one and I didn’t want to give the impression that it will be a real happening exciting bash-of-the-yr kind of thing. So it was a gathering and not a party.
Anyway, thanks to everyone who managed to come down and I hoped all of you enjoyed the gathering! =)

I suppose everything went quite smoothly and I am super happy that it didn’t rained and no other disaster of significant proportion occurred during the event. Still, I must admit there were some screw-ups and less-than-satisfactory results here and there haha.

I started receiving notices of people not-being-able-to-make-it ever since morning and it was quite worrying to see how the numbers seem to be climbing so quickly as the day went on. It seems like so many people are feeling sick at the same time and I suppose 10 over people didn’t turn up in the end.

To be honest, I probably spent the most amount of time on doing the playlist. It was really really tedious trying to cut down the number of songs to keep within the time frame of 5h and I spent like how many days and weeks (intermittently) sieving through the songs and timing and retiming it haha. In the end, it was a little messed up on the actual day due to some delays and all that. Oh well, I don’t really suppose anyone really listened to it properly anyway haha. Did anyone notice the segment with “晴天 - 一颗苹果 – Journey - 如烟 - 红豆”? That was supposed to be one of the most significant and my favourite segment of the entire playlist haha.

The guestbook went well I suppose, although i think some people didn’t manage to sign on it haha. I wonder how many people noticed the ferris wheel on it and ever wondered why its there (same for my guestbook event page) =)

Personally, I thought the food and cake were a little over but that’s that haha. I didn’t really touch much of the food and cake at all during my birthday gathering.

Decor didn’t work out very well in the end but that’s what you get for deciding to try something out-of-the-norm. It would have been better if I have gotten more lightsticks but I didn’t really want to spend that much haha. I think some people didn’t even notice I had pictures pasted on the 4 pillars near the gates haha.

I was hoping my guests would bring along their cameras and snap lots of photos among themselves cause I know I wouldn’t have enough time to hang around and interact with everyone. I probably should have brought my camera with me and take some pics at the same time but that would be really quite cumbersome and tedious for me. I decided I am probably going to look really unglam in lots of photos but yeah, its abit too late to change anything now.

I am SUPER happy with my presents =) Thanks everyone for the excellent presents! (I admit that I mixed up all the presents subsequently and forgot who gave me what haha)

Right now, I’m feeling quite lazy to deal with the aftermath of my 21st birthday gathering. I haven’t gotten my photos yet and I don’t really feel like doing anything much.

Its actually still my birthday right now but I don’t feel anything about it. To be honest, I don’t really think much of turning 21 and its more of just an excuse to have a meet-up with everyone and do something relatively unforgettable. After the “uproar” yesterday, I just wanted to have a peaceful time by myself to do random meaningless stuff today. Not-happening is my trait and I love to indulge in it, even if its only for a while.

Once more, Happy 21st Birthday to myself!

EQ

I can’t say that I hate, but I must admit I do find it extremely annoying when I come across people with horrible EQ or tact. I secretly hope that I’m not perceived to be one of those kind by the people around me. There are instances when things should go unsaid and deeds should go undone. Granted, there are some instances when things aren’t really that clear cut but then I believe a little common-sense and alertness can do wonders at preventing those awkward situations. Sometimes, you really should try to pre-empt and imagine the inconvenience and embarrassment others may feel due to your inappropriate words/actions. This is like becoming one of those moral ed lectures so I think I should just stop here haha.

Anyway, for my case, I always pick and choose my words carefully (especially when I’m typing/writing) And 75% of the time, the usage or non-usage of my words, tend to have certain implications behind them. Somehow, it works like those disclaimer in fine print you can find almost everywhere. And I really do appreciate those who are able to read their way through my words and work out the implications behind them.  Though I must admit sometimes, its really more for my own understanding and in my own context such that outsiders wouldn’t be able to grasp anything at all.

It was really annoying when I was forced to change my plans abruptly due to some accidental blunders by other people, even though I chose and picked my words carefully and even hinted it beforehand. But still, I guess some people just couldn’t get it and yeah I suppose I can’t blame them for not being careful enough. Its abit like trying to accuse someone of being dense, which is really kinda lame and unreasonable.

I can sense that I’m starting to ramble so I better stop here haha.

POST ORIENTATION

My orientation camp was cut short by approximately 1 day due to the spread of H1N1! It was really quite a waste to miss some of the significant stuff even though we manage to escape some of the more embarrassing stuff that were in store for us. But I really enjoyed myself quite abit during the camp and it was nice to get together with my OG and do some random stupid stuff at times. Peter Pan - Up Up and Away! I’m really lazy to blog about the camp in detail cause there’s really alot to be said so I shall leave the talking to the tons of photos floating around on facebook =)

And I just got invitations to the another 3 birthday parties all within this month! I was seriously getting abit freaked out by the time i received the third one. Its exciting but kind of troublesome cause my own birthday gathering (i refuse to use the word party) is somewhat later. It just means that its going to be harder for people to find things to talk with one another during my gathering cause they would probably exhaust all the conversation topics previously, sigh. And I really should start tying the MANY MANY loose ends to my birthday gathering soon.

I managed to catch 第20届金曲奖颁奖典礼 on miotv just now! I can’t say it was very exciting cause to tell the truth, i was more engaged during the middle part of the show which had the more relevant awards and performances. And i really must say this. I was so irritated when 阿信 didn’t get 最佳作词 even though he had 2 songs running for it! Actually i was rooting more for 如烟 haha but aiyah, they gave it to some other dude whom i didn’t even hear of in the first place. At least, they manage to get 最佳乐团 =) I was relatively okay with the other awards although i was rooting for 萧敬腾 to get the 新人奖, but 卢广仲 isn’t that bad as well so I’m not really complaining haha.

DRUMMING ON THE TABLE

I enjoyed myself today. It was during one of those quiet moments (when the irritating construction works around my house finally stopped and gave a moment of peace) and I was just sitting there and drumming my fingers on the tabletop, while listening to the songs looping on my playlist. My mind starts to wander whenever I’m not really doing anything and I started to think and worry about various things here and there. I would start thinking/worrying about it then I would decide to ignore and push it out of my mind. Then another one would pop into my mind and I would do the same thing again. And all the while, I was drumming my fingertips on the able while listening to the same few songs. I’m not sure why, but I thought I was actually enjoying myself then haha, its weird but true.

Then We Came To The End!

I feel as if I’m walking with my head in a cloud. Exactly, and it just means I haven’t been able to concentrate or focus my attention on any particular matter for the whole day. This generally happens when I have too many issues to deal with at the same time, such that I can imagine myself being engulfed by those twirly whirly circles. I hope this state of confusion will blow over soon before I start bumping and banging into everything around me.

For the record, I was totally incredulous when I chanced upon my name being mentioned on facebook today. It was like one of the top few prize winners in the “things you absolutely should not say to me right now” cat. and someone just have to pop the sentence out of their mouth. The only single good I could find in this was that at least it wasn’t addressed to me or posted on my wall.

Anyway, I just finished this book “Then We Came To The End” by Joshua Ferris. I think its excellent and i really really liked the last chapter of the book. It really brings that 事过境迁 feeling out to the max and I really like how he describes that “distancing”, its just so true and fitting for me. I’m so tempted to actually quote it down here but then I think I would end up quoting whole paragraphs out. If there are ever people who happen to be that interested in finding out, please go and read that book!

NOTHING REALLY

Haizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nothing really, just wanted to let out a long sigh, haha.

心情有点平静。

也没什麽，总觉得自己在这段期间好像想通，并领悟了什麽似的。

至于是什麽，我自己也说不上来，只能说那感觉很清楚却又很模糊。

Actually I’m stuck here for quite a while now, cause I’m at a loss as to what I should be writing about. It’s like there’s something but I can’t pen it down definitely in black and white. And I wonder why in the world I’m blogging when I’m not sure what’s the exact thing I want to blog about. But I suspect I’ll come across something when I’m trying to put it down into words.

我觉得它带有一种肯定，像是我确认了什麽。

我很清楚地知道，这段时间所经历的一切，给我的是个什麽样的结论，但我不知道它是否就是那个领悟。

This is like thinking aloud haha. And I have a feeling it is not going to produce any results and I’m not going to have a conclusion at the end of this post, probably I will just end it abruptly haha. I’m wasting my time here, not like I have anything else better to waste my time on right now.

也许找到答案之后也不会改变什麽。

也许找到了之后也仍然无视地看过。

也许领悟了之后也仍然无奈地走过。

也许有些事情本来就不该去弄清楚。

或许它模糊不清是因为我害怕那视而不见，听而不闻的无奈。

所以我想等。

等待哪一天我准备好了以后才让我有那恍然大悟的感动 痛楚。

Haizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nothing really, I feel as if I just wasted quite alot of my time, haha.

PERKY!

I was stunned for a when i saw it. It was like i had totally given up on getting any form scholarship/award for my first year and then I saw the email from NUS today!

I managed to get myself a scholarship/award slot! They weren’t exactly very clear in the email, but it can be either a faculty scholarship or award. Either way, I’m already satisfied even if it just cover my tuition fees alone.

And i was like quite sure I wouldn’t make the mark after the NUS scholarship interview. I remember that right after it, I was already complaining to people that I did badly in the interview and that I have no chance to get it at all. But then, somehow or another, I actually got it! I don’t know how and I don’t know why and I’m not sure if I want to know, haha.

I think that moment was like priceless. I was like so excited and relieved haha. Its like I tried and waited for 3 years for this. Now that I don’t have to worry myself over my tuition fees anymore, it feels like anything and everything will go well from here (although i figure that that’s not gonna happen, but still, I’m feeling perky and good now). After the bout of down feelings recently, I’m starting to feel perky and hopeful recently. I hope it’s a sign of good things to come. And I’m really fawning over the word “perky”. It has such a nice ring to it haha.

For a long time, I guess I really needed some good news or something good to happen to me, and I guess this is what I’ve been hoping for =) Its one of the many “hopes” I’m harbouring nowadays and Its so amazing I can actually get something of mine fulfilled and on track =)

<<倒影>>

There are some days when i just want to do something for myself.

Even if its not practical, even if its not socially-approved, even if its against every other person’s expectations, I just need to do it for myself. Even though i thought i have finally decided, when i realise that I’m just that different and I see where this difference is heading me, I feel quite apprehensive. Then i paused and start to think again, wondering whether i can really go through everything, in accordance to what I felt.

<<倒影>>

真实中的我们

遗忘了纯白 多了那些包袱

超载的那份情感

你是我期许中的不愿

倒影中的我们

脱离了真实  少了那些激烈

剩下的那份柔和

你是我生命中的期许

 

你的世界是幻影

不用规律的背景

不用抉择的后果

为了你 我想我也一直很努力

你的世界是真实

跨不出时间的框

解不开生活的锁

为了你 我是你所依赖的幻影

 

当尘埃覆盖了镜中的幻影

当落叶划破了水中的倒影

理智却唤回了沉浮的心灵

 

（请你一定要比我幸福）

THE NEXT EMO SONG

I couldn’t help but crown this as the latest emo song haha. It was like omg when i heard the lyrics at first (heard cause I listened to it without looking at the lyrics first). On second thoughts, now I’m not too sure whether it should be included in the category of “emo” songs. Its certainly sad but “emo” is hardly the correct word to describe the protagonist in the song. Oh well, in any case, it’s still a nice song for me to keep looping. I’m one of those who wouldn’t get sick of looping the same song the entire day, probably after a few days later or until some other songs come up to distract me haha.

<<如果我变成回忆>>

累了 照惯例努力清醒着
也照惯例想你了
好怕一放心睡了
心跳在梦中 不听话的 就停止了

听着 呼吸像浪潮摆动着
越美丽越让我忐忑
我还能珍惜什么
如果我连自己的脉搏 都难掌握

如果我变成回忆 退出了这场生命
留下你错愕哭泣
我冰冷身体 拥抱不了你
想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行
我会恨自己 如此狠心

如果我变成回忆 终于没那么幸运
没机会白着头发
蹒跚牵着你 槛门上搂紧
漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈
若有人可以 让他陪你 我不怪你

快乐 什么时候会结束呢
哪一刻是最后一刻
想把你紧紧抱着
可知你是我生命中的 最舍不得

如果我变成回忆 退出了这场生命
留下你错愕哭泣
我冰冷身体 拥抱不了你
想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行
我会恨自己 如此狠心

如果我变成回忆 终于没那么幸运
没机会白着头发
蹒跚牵着你 槛门上搂紧
漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈
若有人可以 让他陪你

如果我变成回忆 最怕我太不通气
顽固的赖在空气 霸占你心里 每一寸空隙
要让依然爱我的你痛苦承受失去
这样不公平 请你尽力 把我忘记

I AM LEGEND

原本只是好奇才去视听"I Am Legend" 专辑, 却无意发现了陈昱熙。

一打开网页, 就看到了让我震惊的专辑介绍 - "这位歌手已经因为自杀而结束了自己24岁的生命。 一直都在网络上发表作品的陈昱熙已经没有机会见到这张专辑..."

不知道是否是因为受了他自杀的讯息所影响, 总觉得他在歌曲里有那种很raw的感觉，很简单诚恳。 我喜欢那种真实的感觉，至少我听到的是这样的感觉。

很震撼, 很斥责, 很遗憾, 很不解, 很欣慰, 我大概是这样想的吧。

SHORT UPDATES

Its a packed week or sort of. Will be having SNCF and NUS BBA Scholarship interviews tomorrow and the day after respectively and I’m hoping, really hoping that I’m gonna get lucky this time round. I’m not really that optimistic about it but still, its a chance I gotta take (sounds like some pokemon theme song or something) hah. Was busy trying to get into that “worldly” state by reading up on stuff so that I can present myself to be somewhat “in the knowing”, but I doubt such last minute mugging will help much during the interviews. I really hate it when they just have to ask those “worldly” topic to throw me off during those last bits of interview. And I really think Business, or rather, Economics is a very difficult worldly topic to know, sigh.

Have decided to try for this somewhat dubious job next Monday. Apparently, they pay $8 - $10 per hour for you to tend a shop and you have to call up people to inform them about your promotions in the case that there’s no customers. Work hours is supposedly really flexible you can decide how many days and hours you want. I’m suspecting there’s a catch to it somewhere but I’m gonna give it a try first and see how. It beats lazing at home doing nothing. And the pay’s really quite attractive so haha I hope it turns out well.

I’m into my 6th practical lesson on driving and I still think I’m gonna be a horrible driver. Somehow I think it’s related to my mood when I’m driving haha.

I finally managed to learn to play a piece of music on my keyboard. I think it took like months or close to a year, maybe? Cause i really don’t have much musical background or training and yeah I started and stopped halfway quite a few times here and there. Basically, I’m cheating by memorising it rather than playing it by sight-reading like the pros. Although i think my skills and all that are still quite off, but still, I’m quite happy about it =)

A random MSN conversation made me realised just how different or how grown-up everyone has become. Or maybe, I’m just the only one trying to resist the change. And coincidentally, I’m digging up all those nostalgic midis from long ago. Yup, they’re midis and even though they were like from aeons ago, I realise I still like them a lot haha.

AND IT’S ALL ABOUT TIME

I went to watch Butterfly Effect again. Actually I couldn’t remember the story at all, although I was quite sure I watched it somewhere before. But it was a good movie, I like the way it links up all the events nicely. I have the Higurashi and Chrono Cross feeling and its the same feeling I got when I was watching Natsu No Arashi! as well. Basically they are all about time travelling and this is just the topic that always put me in the thinking mood. If the same thing in Butterfly Effect happened to me, I would probably end up going crazy as well, cause I believe I would always be trying to go back to change and make things better. Its a greed that I wouldn’t be able to shake off I guess.  So saying, I would probably be watching Butterfly Effect 2 and 3 as well, though I realised its quite unhealthy to be glued to the computer screen all day long. sigh. why do i even sigh…

I wish it could be a come and go thing. So I could just forget about it and everything will be fine as it should be.

And I couldn’t help but wonder, why is it that everything links so nicely together to emphasise and effect that particular incident/emotion you may be experiencing right now. It may be that blog/book you read, that song that you heard, that movie you watched, that conversation you had, that incident that occurred, that scene you observed, that idea that just happen to flash into your brain. At that moment, I saw the links and connections and couldn’t helped but be amazed at the way life just weave itself together. Or maybe I was more burdened by my understanding behind the realisation.

Somehow it’s harder to take it in when you realised all the signs were there all along.

无奈

因为看了某杂志上的一篇访问而异常地失落。

因为那份无奈太明显，太沉重。

有些时候，答案明明就在眼前，但不知道为何就是走不到那离开的路口。

好像兜了几圈，又转了几回，但其实只是在原地踏步。

没有任何理由，只因为无奈。

或许我也被困在那无奈的迷宫，也等着哪一天的到来。

我所贪婪，奢侈的，也只不过是那最遥远的问候。

我沉默，我无言以对，也只因为无奈。

DISTRACTIONS

I’m feeling quite distracted right now. It’s like there are too many things running through my mind at the same time. I think its the side effect of getting myself obsessed over The Last Remnant and playing it whole day and night, kinda like I’m not giving my brains and eyes and mental stamina enough time to rest and relax. Coupled with all the random realisations and ideas popping in and out of my head, i’m currently in that state of being lost. I feel like I just stepped off after 20 rounds on the merry-go-round actually – quite a taxing sensation.

hopefully, I will be able to regain abit more of my composure this week.

Anyway, just to round up and finish off this 4A’04 + 5 gathering, I must admit it was quite fun to meet up with everyone and chit-chat about random stuff, ranging from old memories to new discoveries and what not. I have my own doubts and suspicions about certain things but i guess its easier to leave them as question marks haha. I’m really quite lazy to go and blog about the gathering in detail but overall, i think the atmosphere (in all aspects) was quite good. Though it doesn’t change my personal perspective on my standing in such gatherings and I’m not sure if I can blame anyone for it anyway. That said and planned and done, I don’t foresee any events coming up for a very long time. I suppose I really should have mixed feelings about that, sigh.

浪漫的逃亡

I FEEL LIKE GOING ON A HOLIDAY!

gosh! I’ve been talking to too many people who are either, in the midst of preparing to go on a holiday, or have just came back from one! now I’ve this urge to get myself travelling as well but it doesn’t look like it will  be happening anytime soon for me =(
I have been reading <<浪漫的逃亡>> by 阿信 from 五月天 (I’m suddenly a huge fan of his haha) Its basically a travelogue on Japan and its only making my urge to go on a trip stronger haha.

Anyways, I’m more than 1/2way through this “break” of mine and its like I haven’t really settled down for whatever that’s supposed to come up next. It seems like I’m dabbling in too many things at the same time haha. I’m in the midst of picking up my “leftover” music practices, trying to learn some basic Jap, organising a class gathering and some random outings, applying for scholarship, reading <<浪漫的逃亡>>, going swimming, finding and starting myself on some RPG games and trying to idle some time away in the way that I like. And I went to recce for my birthday celebration location as well (if its going to happen that is haha). And I haven’t even started arranging for my driving lessons, not to mention i also have to look for another temp job with relatively okay pay and working hours to suit my driving lessons and what not. And now, I’m thinking about going on another holiday! This is starting to get a little overwhelming haha.

I realised I used alot of “and” in this blog entry. Hm, yeah just an observation.

AND IT’S REALLY OVER

yup, finally ended up today. It really has been a long 3 months and I’m quite relieved that its finally over! The last 2 weeks has been really hectic with all the preparations for the fair and of course, the actual show itself. At least things went quite smoothly and I think there weren’t really any serious hiccup, at least on my side i think haha. It was a good working experience, although I won’t say it was a relaxing/very enjoyable time, cause there’s really too much to handle for a temp job. But, at least its finally over and I did learn a from this job. I’m quite lazy to go blog in detail about the fair itself, just that it was quite fun to go around and see all the nice furniture and booth designs. Actually, I wanted to see if I could possibly buy some nice stuff back but in the end, I was tied up here and there and couldn’t really get some time away to secure a deal with the exhibitors. And by then, most of the stuff has been sold anyway haha. And its really quite a hassle trying to get the items out of the hall and back to my house so I gave up on the idea in the end, probably next time if I’m back as a VISITOR hah.

Now that I’m properly freed, it’s time for a short break before I embark on anything new again. And there’s the class gathering to confirm and finalise and my driving lessons to start proper. Whatever the case, I’m going on a short break for now. It’s not really a holiday but its just that kind of break that I need to take for me to stop and recharge myself, to get that 沉淀的韧性 back.

WORK WORK AND WHAT I HAVE GOTTEN MYSELF INTO

nowadays i'm starting to see alot of those angsty songs in my playlist, hm maybe soon I'll find myself in the league of Marilyn Mason and such (though its still quite unthinkable right now).

whatever it is, I have been OTing everyday (including Sat and Sun) for the past 1 wk plus! (coming close to 2 wks) and its really draining me out. I keep wishing that this job doesn't come with so much responsibility and brain-power requirement. Sometimes, I just want that "brainless" moments where I can just switch off and wander off into deep space for a while. And things look set to become worse as the fair draws nearer. I will have to go down to Singapore Expo real soon and will be stuck there permanently until the end of my contract. They do have a room for us to stay in so we don't have to travel to and fro Singapore Expo everyday but then the idea of "staying in" for 1 whole week is really quite a turn off. Not to mention the silly requirement for "dress-code uniformity" that creates unnecessary troubles and incur unneeded expenses in order to get those wear-once-in-a-long-while shirts and ties. I probably could continue to rant for another half a page but I shall stop here and stop boring you with these unrelated issues.

Anyways, I'm not sure which state of mind I was in to actually start organising another class gathering. To start off, I really didn't have any concept or idea on how I'm going to pull it off and its really like a go-along-and-see-how situation, which probably means its going to be a logistics nightmare just trying to decide the date, location and event. Quite an inefficient way of organising an outing but what's done is done haha. Erm, I just hope some unexpected help will magically appear and give the extra push to make things happen (I hope its a push in the right direction though) Actually the timing of starting this now is quite off as well, cause I'm going to be MIA for the this 2 weeks as I prepare for the fair and I probably won't have much time to work on the outing haha. Oh well, just see how it goes then.

我很想找个属于自己的时间和空间，做些无关紧要的无聊事。

在我喘不过气的时候，我只希望能如此地放纵，

让我去游荡，去放逐，去飘浮，

找回那沉淀的韧性。

19 DAYS TO GO!

I have this feeling i'm going mad! there's too many considerations running through my mind for me to act in a proper rational manner. I absolutely hate it when I'm caught in a rush/frenzy due to other people's inefficiency or sloppy work. And I'm absolutely mad when things take a dive for the worse during this OT-frenzy, especially when I'm trying to keep my emotions under control at having to work on this tight a schedule. We were given an option if we wanted to go back and help out today (even though its a sunday!) and i really couldn't bear to drag myself down there and take a look at the mess again so I decided to give it a miss. It will probably cause some problems for me at work but then well, its too late to change anything so I might a well make the best out of the worst and start anew tomorrow. I can't believe that I'm actually counting down to the day when I will finish my contract, like in the pre-ord days.

This is ridiculous.

ITS LIKE I'M LYING ON MY BED, TRYING TO REACH THAT CEILING

Every once in a while, I would like to be by myself, away from all those familiar and not so familiar people around me. Its easier to plod my way through those lofty thoughts and feelings that way.

I feel like I'm quite retarded sometimes, to keep trying to do my best all the time. Sometimes I would stop and think that it wouldn't be worth it, that in the end I would look back and think that everything is a waste of time and effort, that I would be better off elsewhere. But it doesn't matter what I think, somehow I just move on and continue putting in lots of effort to get things going (I refrain from saying "all my efforts" because it's probably not all, but I would say it's more than required) Ironically, all these aren't exactly the things that really matter to me,they are just stuff that I came across and have to do, they are not what I really want to do. Somehow, I always have the knack of getting myself involved in the wrong things haha. And I always think, that to be able to do the things I want, would mean that I must be free of all the other unnecessary obligations. A life without obligations sounds really ideal but its too far from our reality to be true.Its like how I felt that day, when I'm lying on my bed with my hand outstretched, and realising I could never quite reach the ceiling.

It's one of those days, when I just want to close shop and lock myself in my own world, where I wouldn't need to entertain meaningless banters.

WHAT WOULD I SEE IN THE SKY

a quick recap for all the events that i have missed:

Went to Sheng Qin's (cousin) hse last Sat for CNY visit that day and tried my hands on Guitar Hero haha. He had the full guitar hero set (ie. drums, 2 guitars and mike) and it was super fun trying to progress through all the songs. tried both the drums and guitar but drums is definitely more challenging and fun. only played up to medium difficulty for drums and easy for bass/guitar so maybe next time i can progress on to higher difficulties =P although they have this option for you to join in with the singing part, i'm still convinced that english rock songs are pretty "unsingable" and i was wondering why they do the same stuff for chinese songs haha.

Work has been horrendous lately! With all the stockpiling of work and random difficult requests coming in from all over the office, i'm starting to get annoyed by this sense of inefficiency and tardiness.  My work has been like endless and it doesn't help that the new temp doesn't have a desktop/laptop and he can only do all the random "manual" work. Without access to the system database and all, its like I still have to keep track and work on everything at the same time and it gets annoying when there are random changes everyday and my lists to keep track of stuff keep getting outdated. And i wonder why do i have to feel stress at all. I mean, i'm just a temp and really, i don't think i'm suppose to stress that much over things...

went for NPCC anniversary dinner yesterday! although there were only me chaorong and kenneth there to represent our batch, i thought it was rather nice to be able to meet old seniors and engage in those "informative" discussion, along with some random musings and comments haha. Food was quite bad for a $25 dinner. There were only 5 of us at the table initially and we thought we could at least have quantity instead of quality but well, we ended up with 8 people at the table in the end so yeah, the plan didn't really work out haha. Nut I didn't really mind cause the food was really so bad that i didn't have the urge to do for additional helpings. At least we had some fun and laughter among ourselves. And there's always that sense of becoming when you go back and visit your old school/old unit/juniors etc. Like you know you were just like them previously but after all that has happened, somehow you ended up the way you are, sitting exactly where you are at that precise moment. musing over how everything had been that many years ago haha. Or rather, I'm just that kind of person who will feel that way.

I concluded there's this nostalgic trend brewing this year. Or maybe its just meant to be like this on your 21st year. Somehow old photos keep popping up all over facebook haha. I couldn't help but be caught up in it too haha. So of course when i had the chance to pop back to Chinese High (somehow i rather not use Hwa Chong Institution) for NPCC anniversary dinner, I couldn't resist the chance to take some photos of the well-travelled route many years back haha. I wonder, who really did take notice of the route we took a million times back in the good old days. haha not many i guess. It was a pity i missed some other shots because i didn't want people to be staring at me and thinking i'm nuts to be taking photos of the bus-stops and what not haha.

 

Nowadays when I'm out on the streets, I would always keep looking up,

because somehow i always feel that i might just be able to catch,

that plane or that particular cloud, before they all disappear into the horizon.

CNY BREAK!

it's been quite a while since i last blogged and its already Chinese New Year! can't say how much I have been looking forward to it, just cause its a long wkend and a sufficiently long break for me to get away from work haha. work is supposed to become busier after CNY and i'm quite dreading it already. a least they are getting another temp in to help out and i hope we'll be able to get along with each other haha.

anyway, was busy with work so i didn't do much shopping for my CNY clothes. went for a quick round around bugis on sat last wk and got my clothes from there. i was absolutely amazed by the variety i could find there. i really think i'm more of the "bugis" guy then like "orchard/town" cause at this current stage, i'm still not into all that pseudo high-ended or really high-ended stuff in town. somehow i prefer those unknown, nameless brands. its more fun browsing through all these relatively random shops and trying to find that hidden gem somewhere. I'm not sure if i mentioned it on my blog before, but nowadays i'm getting the urge to shop online haha. It seems to be more fruitful doing online shopping than slogging through the crowd and finding the same usual stuff in shops. online has much more variety and there's always the overseas collection for me to dig through too. But i'm still quite hesitant about it cause of size and quality issues but i guess that's just a risk you have to take in exchange for the convenience.

i decide i want to go for a concert soon! its been quite long since the last jay chou concert i went to! i'm in the mood to go and get high for another concert, but problem is there isn't any suitable one right now haha. nvm i'll wait! shall just KIV this for now =)\

anyway, here wishing everyone a Happy Chinese New Year!

IT SAID "ENTER BLOG TITLE HERE"

it's been 2 weeks since i blogged! looks like i'm getting the lazy-to-blog syndrome as well, probably because life's so mundane that there's nothing interesting to report hah.

To sum it all up, its really all about work. and other than that, work. and finally, just to show its something different this time, MORE work. that's about it for the recap.

And I finally start to see the evil side of facebook although I still think its a very cool and useful thing to have. Bleh.

I have a thousand and one things I want to do... I mean, that is if I can possibly achieve them *starts sulking and doodling in the corner*

Regardless of what others will say, I really liked this song alot. haha.

飞轮海 - 孤单摩天轮

我　如果飞得高　也许她会笑一笑
可我　拼了命向上　结果却慢慢的往下掉

sometimes i would think to myself - yeah maybe its all inbuilt.

I didn't intend for this entry to be so depressing! but i wrote and wrote and it ended up like this! okay i believe its time for a little therapy!