... ... A CHRISTMAS ENTRY ... ...

i haven't been up to anything really constructive in the past few days and as i'm typing this now, there's this idea in my mind that says that "yes! this is exactly what youth is all about!"  or maybe i'm trying to make myself feel less guilty abt all those things i shld 've done... but hey this is still my youth in the end so at the very least i shld get the final say abt how i'm gonna waste it haha... then when i'm old i'll juz invent some old crazy tales to console myself that i 've lived a very fulfilling life indeed, unless somehow i happen to come across this blog entry haha =)

and i promise myself to write a little smth on all the anime that i've been watching thus far... there's like abt 5 of them but i'm only gonna mention 3 here...

D.Gray-Man : omg i'm always like super excited when its comes to watching the latest ep... esp nowadays when the anime is back on the original track after finishing all those xtra fillers... and the music is really nice too but the main thing is the latest ep is shown on kids central every friday nite! haha now i don't even 've to wait for ppl to sub and upload onto crunchyroll before i can watch =)

Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni Kai : this season juz ended! although i think that the 1st season Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni was more entertaining, its still nice to see that after struggling for so long, they finally manage to get their happy ending... juz a word of caution if u're planning to watch, the 1st season can be really disturbing but its really intriguing and don't even bother to watch the 2nd season without watching the 1st one cause u'll miss out on lots of stuff haha...

Ef - A Tale of Memories : Surprise! i actually watch this anime haha... actually i only started to watch it because the art and style is really unique and very nice... the background, the music and the style of this anime are really superb... when i watched the latest 2 ep i was really like "whoa..." the way they bring out the mood and emotions within the anime is really stunning to see...

and also, its Christmas eve!!!

but actually i 've been busy repainting my house the whole of today and probably tml as well... but the colours didn't turn out as well as i wanted them to be cause the actual effect doesn't match that indicated in the bk! and somehow we bought too much paint so its not really an option to go out and get other colours back... it juz irritates me whenever i think abt it grrr... hopefully things 'll take a turn for the better tml... basically that's how i'm gonna celebrate my Christmas this year haha... but i guess its alrite cause i don't really 've any plans for this Christmas anyway... but if u ask me, somehow i always prefer the idea of a quiet Christmas rather than one with lots of noise and crowd... at the very least i'm not doing any guard duty/cos in camp haha =)

to tell the truth, i 've many Christmas wishes but they all start with "If there was a miracle, I wish that..."
yup that juz goes to show how greedy i am, that i prefer to wish for smth more rather than those practical and achievable kinds haha... its a wish anyway so might as well not waste it on smth simple...

and i wish for...

 

 

alot of things.
Merry Christmas!

... ... FRUSTRATED ... ...

today has been a most frustrating day for me...

went for cls lunch today and i got "cheated" into ordering chickn chop instead of the better chicken pattie but frankly that wasn't much of an issue haha at least nxt time i know wat to order and wat not to order... anyway after that didn't know wat to do as usual cause i seriously didn't know how to plan for it... its really super hard to find things to do somehow and i always wonder if the problem was with us or do other ppl also face the same situation sigh... so we juz ended up walking ard doing nth basically and headed home after that... sometimes i wonder why i always want to 自讨苦吃 maybe that juz goes to show how 荒谬 i am... seriously i really sux at times =(

got more frustrated with myself subsequently over some random ancient issue that i shldn't 've bothered to care but it juz stuck itself into my head to make me feel even more depressed... how i wish everyone wld start out at the same footing but that wld probably sux... life juz isn't that MMORPG that u can go in and everyone 'll be the same at the start and u're actually allowed to go and customise urself to your liking subsequently... actually i've no idea wat i'm talking abt or how that analogy actually proves anything so yeah i guess i'm still in a somewhat irritable mood... which reminds me of how i actually accidentally send out a rather pointless msg to ALL my contacts in facebook juz now... i was like "oops" when i discovered it after pressing the post button but by then its abit too late to undo it so oops... so sorry for wasting all ur time but i seriously wonder how ppl 'll think and react after seeing it haha... they muz think i'm a super bo liao person but i guess that isn't so far from the truth...

i'm supposedly on leave all the way until like nxt yr although i've to go back to do COS duty for a few days inbetween and this is definitely a bad way to start the hols =(

... ... QUICK CONGRATS ... ...

juz a random update on this wk... went to watch 投名状 (warlords) with wei jin, kevin, zhou hao, jeffrey and chaoqun today... well i muz admit that i didn't really 've much of an expectation for the movie at the start but it turned out to be not bad actually haha and this is coming from someone who fell aslp while watching 墨攻 (mozzies) online... too bad kevin and zhou hao had to go off earlier after that so cldn't join us for dinner... had a quick dinner at KFC then headed back to watch 红星大奖 but i'm too lazy to comment on it so yeah haha...

now i gotta say congrats to a few ppl here...

first of all congrats to nigel for getting that gold medal in the SEA games water polo! haha actually i was kinda slow in realizing that he is actually inside the team =P but i think its really quite amazing that i can finally say like i actually 've a friend who was part of the SEA games gold medallist team haha... i 've always thought this statement is like reserved for grown-ups, all the grown--up talk like "i actually know a friend there/ my friend is actually there" or like "hey u know so-and-so is now so-and-so"... and i suddenly 've this idea that i'm really getting quite grown-up haha when actually i'm only at the awkward age of 19 going to 20... but it really got me thinking abt how we all still 've those dreams and ambitions from our younger days and how some ppl r really working hard to achieve it but then on the other hand... some ppl juz seem to stagnant somewhere forever and i guess i'm really one of those guilty ones sigh... rite now i'm wishing i 've some kind of natural talent without needing to work hard for it again... juz goes to show how guilty i am rite haha sometimes i really deserve a whack on the head to wake me up from my comatose-like state bleagh...

rite i sure know how to deviate haha...

next on the list are all the officers i know who FINALLY got commissioned on Sat! haha congrats to all of you for getting through the tough OCS training... finally out of the trainee phase already although that may not necessary be a gd thing depending on where u get posted to haha... for those april batch one like kevin and wei jin... well its juz another 3 more months haha but by them i wld only be 1/2 a yr more from ORDING! hahahaha =)

and yeah i think that's abt all for now haha =)

... ... IDLE ... ...

the past wk wasn't eventful at all! but i enjoyed that idleness =)
seems like Dec is really a low-key period for us haha... although there are hints of annoying stuff coming up in Jan but that's really next year so i'm not going to bother myself abt them for now... although wat horrifies me is that there is a possible ex on 17th/18th Jan nxt yr, on which i'm supposed to go for my concert! now i'm juz betting on the fact that ex won't extend into the wkend so no matter wat they will still have to let us go on friday evening... sigh wat bad luck...

watching some AMVs to waste my time away... i juz need to feed my stifled imagination a little and along the way, pick up some nice songs that i missed out totally haha...

otherwise it gets kinda boring at home sometimes but there's really nothing much to do outside as well... i think i prob said this like abt a thousand times already... actually i think the whole sg has said this abt a zillion times already and maybe that juz reflects how bad the situation really is... sg is really a nice place but things are juz missing? or it may be as wat i read in a book recently, smth like "teenagers never have enough to do" but then again i wonder whether i'm still classified under "teenagers" haha...

okay i can't really think of anything else to say so i'm juz gonna stop here... cya nxt wkend =)

... ... NEW SONGS ... ...

sigh... and its sunday already! means i gotta go back to camp tml...
time passes so fast and its only been like a while since i got back to SG from wallaby... bking in is juz depressing =(
its time to start looking forward to the wkends again!

i muz admit i haven't really been going out in the past few days cause everyone else is like stuck in camp or uni haha so i'm like the only free guy ard... only went out on sat to watch hitman with my SI bunkmates but i thought the movie wasn't worth $9.50 loh... its like only ard 1.5h and its juz shooting here and there with abit of plot somewhere... didn't hang ard after that cause yeah i'm currently trying to cut my expenses haha... other than that i've been busy catching up with my anime and music for the past few days! and i muz say now i 've quite a few nice songs to listen and learn as well haha... mainly there's 罗志祥，苏打绿 and of course 周杰伦! haha shall post some of the nice song lyrics on my facebk profile haha =)

罗志祥's songs r actully somewhat similar and some of them sound the same to me after a while haha... but still some of the songs r not too bad haha although i think he tried abit too hard in some parts of 我不会唱歌... i think the song wld be nicer if he sang normally like his other slow songs in the album... 败给你 by 罗志祥 and 萧亚轩 is quite nice also although i had to listen to it for a few times before it starts growing on me haha...

苏打绿's album sounds like a musical haha and i really liked some of the songs like 左边(nice MV), 这天 and 无与伦比的美丽... actually their 城市 is quite cool also haha...  the lyrics of their songs is like really superb =)

i'm quite happy with 周杰伦's latest album although some of the songs doesn't fit him... although 阳光宅男 and 甜甜的 r not too bad to listen but i thought there cld be other better choices to include in the album... 牛仔很忙 is somewhat unique and abit cute and all his slow songs r nice as usual but i like 最长的电影 the best cause i think it conveys the most emotions amongst all his slow songs inside... surprisingly he don't really 've those like warcry songs haha if u get wat i mean... there's only like 无双 which reminds me of 黄金甲 and there's also 扯 sounds quite cool but has a totally redundant MV haha... so far i think 我不配 has one of the nicest MV followed by 彩虹... shall wait for his other MVs to come out especially 最长的电影 haha... almost all the lyrics were written by 方文山 this time and i muz admit i kinda sianz by their combi already haha... i mean like 2 or 3 songs is still okay but like he did like 7/10 of the lyrics?! i know his lyrics ain't that bad but i secretly thought that its getting abit repetative as in writting abt the same stuff again... maybe letting other ppl do the lyrics will produce unexpected results haha... but anyway i quite enjoyed the album haha... juz once or twice i had this feeling that i was back in the old days working hard to make sure i learn all the latest songs properly haha...

苏打绿 - 左边

and i'm going for Jay Chou concert on the 18th! haha thanx to Dawei for helping me get the tic... although i was kinda stunned when he told me the price haha... oh well shall juz go ahead and enjoy myself =) but that means i gotta cut my expenses for the nxt month... its not that i really like 've no money but its more like i juz don't want to spend so much haha...

... ... WALLABY ... ...

meant to update earlier but i keep on dozing off at nite...
i think my body not used to SG timezone yet haha... cause in wallaby i always sleep like 10+ 11 which is ard 8 or 9 here haha... so today i woke up early to start blogging instead =)

1st Nov

有点期待 但起飞时总有离开的沉重
flying off to wallaby! had to go to the airport 3h before my flight cause i was pkt 2IC for my pkt and had to help out with all the admin stuff... took NZ flight and it was still okay although it wasn't as gd as SIA haha... basically watched movies but i keep switching movies cause some of them got abit too boring 1/2way and i ended up rewatching 满城尽戴黄金甲... listened to the limited M-pop songs they 've also there, which actually only consisted of 小情歌 and 1 or 2 other songs haha... saw some spectacular lightning on our way there but my camera was all the way in my bag and it wasn't convenient for me to reach for it so i missed the shots =( otherwise there was time for me to ruminate and ponder abt all the ? back in SG... finally touched down at rockhampton airport after 7h and waited insane amt of time for them to clear our kitbags (checking all our stuff for sand mud grass and watever dirt) it took so long that we only reached our camp 6h after we touched down!

2nd Nov to 4th Nov

reached Samhill North camp in the morning ard 6... rested a little before we were pushed off to start working on the vehicles to prep for DT 1 and some orientation drive later on in the day... for the nxt few days we were mainly involved in mounting radio sets on A-veh and transporting stores here and there... frankly it was bothersome and tiring cause the aussie morning and afternoon is really hot (like noon here) and the day seems really long as well even though the sun sets at ard 6 in the evening... but somehow the hours juz passed very slowly here... anyway rite before the start of DT 1, i was involved in some last min changes and got transfered to a landrover instead of my A-veh... although that sounded kinda boring but i muz agree it makes my outfield days that much easier haha

5th Nov to 9th Nov

for the whole of DT 1, we basically keep moving from place to place in convoy formation and i was basically stuck in the HQ conc area most of the time cause to be frank the only signal element that got to go out wld be the rebro detachments... so in the end i'm kinda always ard my landrover haha... had the opportunity to catch up with Jia Cheng cause he's attached to my coy for DT 1 haha... made me kinda miss the days back in SI again... ran into Sing as well cause he's chief's signaller and he's crappy as usual haha...
i gotta admit i felt abit lost at times during DT 1 cause everyone else seems to be so busy while i didn't really 've much to do cause i ended up following BSM in the end cause 2IC didn't really take my landrover as he was supposed to... but at least i met Wilson and Ah Seng, nice ppl who made the exp. much better....
finally ex cut on the 9th! haha and everyone rushes to get back to camp but then sending arms was a pain lah! the bloke checking my rifle actually dropped my blot cam pin when he was stripping it and worse still he cldn't find it again! and they even start suspecting that i lost it somewhere else... luckily i found it myself under their table later on or else i gonna spend dunno how many yrs in DB! but strangely i didn't really 've much reaction when i realised it cldn't be found at first hah...
有点迷惑 有点遗憾 却也实实在在地走过了


10th Nov

rest day! so we didn't do much today and the whole bde had some an Happy Hour that nite to celebrate Deepavali... there was free flow of drinks (Beer Beer and more Beer and some soft drinks) the food wasn't really that gd though haha... as with wat i perceive to be the norm of all SAF Happy Hours.. there were lots of beer toasting and everyone was supposed to da (搭?) as much beer as possible... ppl ended up drunk here and there and soon it erupted into beer dunking by pouring beer over other ppl's heads... it was crazy but they were crazy happy so that's that haha... i kinda disliked beer so i steered clear from the dangerous ppl and i avoided drinking as much as i can other than the few times that i'm obliged to do so...
although i'm not the only one, i feel kinda bad for leaving myself out but i'm juz not that kind yeah... i'm juz the boring guy who doesn't gravitate to stuff like that and i wonder who'll really understands sigh... i see them taking lost of pics with one another and i wonder why i didn't take my cam out to take pics as well... i guess its partly cause i'm so afriad i 've nth to take...
因为他们的热闹 才发觉自己有多麽的寂寞 我只想坠入我的人间

11th Nov

everyone else out for comms trial except for me and a few others... was really bored in the middle of the day so took out my cam and went to take a few photos... really like tourists like that haha =)

12th Nov

moved out for DT II rehearsal... found it abit bo liao cause we went out all the way to deploy but then do nth there the whole day... there was some air drop or smth but i totally missed it, not that i really cared anyway haha... watched ppl playing ard with gaint ant nest in the ground and sometimes i wondered if they 'll retaliate and attacked us one day... i think we wld properly die out in a matter of days if the ants can co-ordinate and do a simultaneous world-wide attack at the same time... but i can't really imagine different species of ants talking to each other using telephones in their underground nests and obviously using runners/messengers is near impossible so yeah that's that...
oh and there's this sentry post at the deployment ground there and it looks really cool... like those small wooden hut u always see in anime and movies... actually it reminds me of the one in Crono Crusade's last scene minus the sea view though... wanted to take a photo of it but my cam ran out of batt! whoa lao my cam battery keeps giving me prob nowadays i think its the aussie electricity charging is like screwed up... but nvm i i heard we'll be back here for DT II so i shall get it another time...
spent some time wondering abt 周杰倫2008世界巡迴演唱會... wonder if i'll get to go for it this time rd... and there r so many new albums coming out while i'm here and i'm prob missing out on alot of songs =(

13th Nov

OFF DAY! the only thing is we 've to pay for our trip out but lucky the bus fare wasn't exactlly that expensive haha...went to rockhampton town to take a look ard and we were dropped off at stockland mall... hm although ppl keep saying that there's not much to buy here but i found quite a lot of nice stuff or maybe i juz like to buy weird stuff haha... but i didn't buy anything then cause i was only planning to recce for my RnR... i was secretly annoyed with the ppl i was with cause they r boring (to me that is) they can like walk into shops for 2min then walk out again and they r apparently not interested in buying anything much and are more interested in the supermarket than clothes or anything else =( so my recce trip was seriously quite hindered by them but i was nice enough not to sat anything...
anyway we had lunch at this red rooster (aussie fast food) and i got this excellent rooster roll (chicken with herbs and cheese and mayo!) i'm missing it already haha... after that we walked all the way to the nxt shopping centre which was quite small but there was this departmental store in it that made up for its small size... bought a tee there then we went to wander ard the streets and took pics at some nice places (of which some ppl whined that taking pics r boring and its meaningless to take pics of unique historic buildings. nice lake and so on) ate dinner at subway subsequently cause we cldn't find any other place...
walked quite abit today and i came up with a rough shopping list for RnR! but i really hope my RnR company 'll be much better...

14th Nov

stayed in camp today while others moved out early in the morning... a quiet day with nth to do except laze ard... too peaceful and too boring = SIANZ!

15th Nov

moved out with BSM and S4 on a really long journey to Wadalla (not sure of the spelling) ruins which was this really big plains area with tall grasses that looked like wheat haha... it was also very windy so u can see like all the grass bending and shifting in the plains haha really liked the place alot... its so peaceful there and i wished i cld juz lie down on the grass and gaze at the sky haha

16th Nov

everyone left early in the morning for one last rehearsal before we transit into DT II immediately the nxt day... i was only supposed to move out the nxt day but i was given last min notice that i need to move out int her afternoon with BSM and S4... i guess that was better than doing nth the whole day in camp haha and i finally got a pic of the sentry post haha =)

17th Nov

went up for the day again and came back at nite to slp... actually i rather stay outfield than go back to camp cause its really abit tiring to keep travelling to and fro... today is the offical start of DT II but the whole bde won't be directly involved in it cause its our sub units who r doing all the live firing... we juz need to be there to org and control and waste some time... nth much happened today though
i think daryl flew off for France today... too bad i won't be there to send him off... hope he will enjoy his time there =)

18th Nov

went to watch a live firing rehearsal in the morning, followed by the actual thing in the afternoon... to tell the truth there wasn't really much to see cause there were way too much smoke and dust... in the end all i got were shots of the AH which which weren't that exciting either... Ming Hao and i keep disturbing colin today haha i 've no idea why but he's so fun to disturb... but i do feel abit evil haha or maybe i'm juz too bored... anyway we moved up to Wadalla ruins again in convoy movement and i was suddenly busy manning comms for S4 which got abit disorientating cause suddenly everyone was looking for him... was quite relieved when it finally ended...

19th Nov

to tell the truth i kinda slept and lazed ard the whole day and suddenly it was time to tear down and head back to camp! but on the way back to camp this 06O kinda pissed me off cause he went to reprimand me abt some aspects of my VP but it was actually S4 who instructed me to do so... i decided i shldn't be nice and understanding enough to see things from his perspective so i don't 've to forgive him hah... reached camp ard 7+ and by the time we dismounted the signal stores and packed the mountain of stores into the crates it was like 12+ already... and yup DT II is finally over!

20th Nov

finished up with the packing today by clearing all the stores from all the undismounted vehicles and everyone started to pack their kitbags for going home! still kinda early for me cause i only leaving on the 22nd from Samhill Camp but i did it anyway haha... OC gave us each a can of beer during last parade for water parade (seriously i wished it was like coca cola or smth) after that went for CSP happy hour and our PS treated us to beer again (i'm getting quite sick of it by then) the whole thing was kinda 冷场 at first and everyone was juz sitting there looking at each other drink beer but it got better when we started to play those drinking games haha... i muz admit it got a bit sianz towards the end but at the very least i learned some new games... i managed to "survive" in the games and drank like only 2 cans of beer... beer still sux...

21th Nov

Those leaving on the 22nd flight left camp for RnR today! leaving a pitiful no. of us behind, mainly all the newer birds... basically juz slacked ard and lagged the whole day away although we had to settle some saikang before we leave tml... to whine again i was kinda disappointed at the ppl that were going with me tml cause i think i wld really enjoy myself more if i cld go with the gtp leaving today... we juz don't click that much with one another... there was another mini happy hour that nite but i only drank 1/2cup of wine that was really disgusting and went to slp early

22nd Nov

woke up really early and send in all the stuff we drew out... went for my last breakfast which was porriage again (they've been serving it for the past few days) hang ard waiting and finally it was time for us to get out of Samhill North camp =) my bus was thankfully empty and i cld afford to sit by myself... but the stupid bus had tinted glass and i cldn't take pics along the way... went shopping at city centre first and bought nice tees from Jay Jays (2 for 25 aussie) but we didn't really 've time to walk ard the streets and visit other shops... went for lunch at Queensland Uni which was totally empty maybe its their term break or smth... headed to some random caves after that but there weren't much to see and it was a little boring... after that we checked into our motel at Dreamtime Lodge (really liked the name haha) and it was a nice and cosy place although it was like super far away from the main shopping mall... had dinner at someplace called Brother's League Club which had excellent food... the dessert was super nice with all the chocolate and cheese cakes and something that was like bread pudding! some of us went to SupaIGA (one of their many supermkt) and shopped for supplies to last the nite haha... after that we had to walk quite a distance to get back to the motel, during which some aussies shouted vulgarities at us in their cars when they passed us by... i thought it was quite amusing actually but don't ask me why haha...
back at the motel i settled down to watch movies and there was this teen flick that was suposedly inspired by twelfth night (a shakespeare play that i studied back in Sec4)! whoa and so the characters had names like viola duke orsino sebastian antonio malvolio haha... reminds me of the gd old days when i was busy trying to memorise all the quotes haha... the plot was like all abt disguise and love triangles as well so yeah haha i kinda enjoyed it... had a nice comfy sleep on my king size bed to prepare for nxt day =)


23rd Nov

checked out of the motel at 10 and started shopping! actually i kinda ended up walking alone for some parts cause the rest were busy with other stuff at some other shops... so while i was catching up with them i wld visit other shops along the way and buy my own stuff... it was easier this way and i got to buy wat i wanted too... bought lots of clothes actually but i cldn't really find any souvenirs to get for ppl... visited Big W which was this gigantic supermarket in stockland mall and i was like whoa... i was seriously quite overwhelmed by all the stuff they had there haha... shld 've gone to another place called East St with some other ppl but i thought that there won't be much to buy there so i stayed in the shopping centre for the whole day... turned out that i was wrong! seemed like there were quite abit of shops at East Street as well wasted lah... so i wandered ard somemore until it was time to board the bus for our last dinner at heritage hotel...
the place where we had our dinner was like this courtyard at the rooftop of the building... the atmosphere was really nice but as usual my mood was kinda spoilt by some irritaing ppl sigh... oh well nvm...
after that it was time to head to airport and head home! irritatingly enough i was made pkt IC for my pkt and i had to deal with some more admin stuff again before we flew off... as a result i wasn't thinking straight while shopping in the souvenir shop and missed out buying some nice stuff to bring back to SG argh... nvm chased everyone through the custom and boarded the plane without any further accidents... this time we had to walk out of the airport and board the plane by walking up a ladder like u always see in movie... not the SIA kind of passageway that connects u to the plane directly... i thought it was quite a cool exp...
anyway i sat with Ivan on the plane and not someone else phew... and this time there were more nice movies to watch... there were like high sch musical 2, hairspray, some chinese concert with sun yanzhi, jolin, tank, pan weibo and some other artiests, i now pronounce u chunk and larry and some more... haha so i spent most of my time watching the movies and finishing my 1st sudoku puzzle on the place as well... touched down at Changi Airport at ard 2am and by the time i settled everything and reached home it was like 4am i think haha... slept all the way to 1pm in the afternoon before i work up and started to catch up on all the stuff that i missed out previously

and i guess that's abt all for Wallaby... it was a nice break but i certainly missed alot of ppl and stuff back in SG... i 've off until the 3rd Dec and i've so much to do haha... shall enjoy myself as much as possible before i get locked up again =)

... ... LYRICS ... ...

i had a random kbox session today cause i decided i needed to get things out after suffering several sleepless nights for the past week...
haha thanx to all the ppl who turned up for this most random event =)

i suppose i'm too used to singing through an entire song without taking turns haha... so it took a while before i figured out thats wat the rest were doing... and i apologise if i seem to be hogging some songs cause i really didn't know paiseh... and for lots of other stuff too cause i think i was a bit "preoccupied" and "missing" today... cld 've been a better "player" haha paiseh...
anyway somehow i ended up taking all the ulu not-so-familiar songs so i keep soloing here and there haha... while most ppl biao ge by going upwards and higher i guess i prefer to go inwards although its also partly cause i cannot really go very high haha... but its nice to juz sit back and listen to the rest sing cause everyone there can really sing quite well... makes me kinda jealous but well... there are certain facts of life u juz can't change =)
i seem to be picking all the emo songs lately bleaugh... its probably not gd for health but i'm kinda addicted to it sigh... and so inevitably i made 飘着 my last song for the day cause its always nice to throw everything out during the last part of the song haha...

这是一首简单的小情歌
唱着人们心肠的曲折
难过是因为闷了很久
是因为想了太多
是心理起了作用

不安的感觉到什么
在我生活中不再相同 很不相同
想要说 却还沉默
伸出手 无法触碰

好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
错在明知是错
快乐该怎么选择

因为我活在西界 只拥有半个白天
一到午后夜色就蔓延
受不了看见你背影来到
写下我度秒如年难捱的离骚

当盲目的黑夜 清晰过白昼
当奢侈的快乐 赔上了所有
当假装的理智 熬不过放纵
每个路口 怎么转都错
我进退不得 谁救我

飞不进你梦中 偷一点感受
飞不回原来我 冰冷的躯壳
就这样漂浮着 悲伤的穿梭
感觉掏空 灵魂不在了
爱情突然失重 在飘着

地面灯火像是星光闪耀
什么地方等着我降落停靠
想留不能留才最寂寞
没说完温柔只剩离歌
这样的转身 有点太牺牲

短暂的来回奔跑
不曾解开的背包
我参与的人生太潦草
快乐常在门外绕
太多陌生的夜晚让我困扰
幸福它真的不容易

突然发现站了好久
不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我
再多人陪只会更寂寞
风筝在阴天搁浅 想念还在等待救援
风吹过的思念 曾有过的眷恋

读完了依赖 我很快就离开
释怀说了太多就成真不了
贝壳里隐藏什么期待 等花儿开
我们也已经无心再猜

我知道这一路的风风雨雨 它总是让人跌倒
也知道这一路的曲曲折折 会模糊了我的想要
未来也许飘渺 我的力量也许很渺小
要让你知道执着是我 唯一的骄傲

to be honest i lost track of how many songs i used haha...
i know i wished i had an easier me to deal with but its not gonna come true anytime soon so i guess i juz gotta bear with it... but its juz sometimes the distance the loneliness can be so overwhelming that its hard to stop it from collapsing inwards on you... and cause of that i actually 've to remind myself to continue breathing at night while i'm trying to slp... but i secretly wonder if i'm actually making something out of nothing blah...

last of all i'm flying to wallaby! 'll only be back on the 24th...
no matter wat i think now... i can't help guessing that i'll realise juz how much i'll miss the ppl ard me... and sometimes i really wonder how other ppl can survive studying overseas cause its so far away from everyone u're familiar with...
i guess a person's characteristics really matters that much haha adieos! =)

... ... NOT SINGAPORE DUH ... ...

i cringe whenever i listen to the songs that brought me through sispec... cause they remind me of simply too many things...
it was the same then it is the same now...

every once in a while i'll chance upon a bk that deals with the life of, or rather the "atrocities", of teenagehood that always make life seems that much more interesting... only that the painfully striking similarity among all these books is that none of the events in the books took place in Singapore... and i really wonder why sigh...

and its slightly more than 1 wk to wallaby!
to me, wallaby is all abt the great escape and i juz wanna disappear into the great unknown and novelty of it...
but i still wonder if its juz my wistful thinking...

... ... AIMLESS DRIFTING ... ...

went for my platoon cohesion on fri and thanx to that i manage to escape from the camp on thurs nite cause we had to meet really early the nxt morning (to tell the truth its really all how u go abt planning haha)...
went swimming at jurong east there and it was unexpectedly fun... its nice to juz drift ard and relax without doing or thinking anything... juz floating round and round the entire pool wihch 've this artificial current pushing u ard the pool which is in the shape closed loop... or juz bobbing up and down in the pool with artificial waves...

and i really enjoyed that aimless feeling...

rite after that we cabbed down to suntec for lunch at this jap buffet place called kushin-bo... for approx $30 i thought the food was kinda limited but i guess its cause its a jap buffet and not those international kinds... although the atmosphere was still kinda odd and i really need alot more time adjusting and getting used to the ppl in my platoon... sometimes i wish i was juz more sociable and more interesting to others bleah... after a torturous period of just siting ard doing nth and making those awkward random small talks, we finally got out from there and it was kinda a relief to get away and spend some time alone...

sat and sun was kinda routine... though i hate to put it this way but it seems thats all i cld come up with this wkend... i'm spending so much time on the com and tv that i wldn't be surprised if my eyesight has deteriorated by 10 folds since then... either that or i'm trying to finish my bks which doesn't really make it any easier on my eyes haha... that's wat happens when u 've a boring lifestyle and we all know who/what to blame for that hah...

it gets a tad depressing sometimes when u realise u're no longer laughing at the stuff other ppl r rolling over the floor abt...
i really need to find more friends who share common interests with me!
how hard can that be? sigh

... ... ABT NOTHING ... ...

this is really bad...
it seems that nowadays i actually need like 1h juz to come up with a blog entry...
somehow its really difficult to extract some significant stuff out of all the woozy memories wheezing ard in my head to blog abt...
i wonder if its because life is such a bore or that my brain's totally wasted... hm and it hurts trying to figure out so i think i shall give it a rest for now...

rite now life in the army is really a drag...
its like i'm practically stoning and blanking out everyday... there's really nothing to do during all the free time i 've in camp... now that i wld rather 've trg etc. but its juz i really bored to the verge of frustration...
and its making me feel that "ns-is-a-waste-of-time" grudge and u know how torturous it is when u know u're helpless to change any of it...
at the very least there's the "i-net/resource rm" for me to go online now and then...
but otherwise life's been eh... frustrating
3 more weeks to wallabi or isit wallaby! (i never seem to get it rite)
and strangely i actually 've this sense of anticipation for it... hah

back at home i spend my time trying to clean up my unfinished games...
proud to say i manage to finish my onimusha today... after like 6h of grilling through the consecutive boss fights... okay finally that's one down...
and i actually reverted to playing some old ps games on the pc haha... so its like i'm playing the whole day either on the pc or the ps... but i realise its giving me lots of headaches...
to be frank i haven't been feeling that gd for the past few days (sometimes i believe it has smth to do with being stuck in camp 5 days a wk)
okay to sum it up i'm a little dunno-wat-to-do-at-home during the wkends and that's bad really bad... i really need to go out for a breather soon...
shall try to do out nxt wkend and hopefully catch resident evil 3 too =)

p.s u can call to find me at my sig coy office the whole of this sunday cause i doing my COS duty there but i'm not gonna give u the no.
okay i dunno why i'm putting this here... sigh

... ... FACEBOOK ... ...

and another week passes by like that...
and it 'll continue so until the end of my ns stint... hm how melancholic haha

its been so long since i last bought a album and its hard to describe the sensation the anticipation that follows when u play through the album for the first time...
FIR's new alum isn't all that bad... i feel comfortable enough with all the songs inside haha...
its too early to tell if i gonna 've any faves in the album yet cause some songs need that much time to grow on you...
and there's 1 or 2 more albums that i'm gonna get soon haha...
somehow i feel like i'm back in the gd old days collecting music albums... haha its nice to relive those days even if its only for a moment here...

and then i'm absolutely fascinated by facebook...
its like i'll 've the impulse to log into facebook all the time to check if there's any new updates... that is if i'm not already inside refreshing the page every now and then haha...
bue due to a lack of suitable up-to-date pics i 've to leave my profile pic blank so there's this ugly blank there for now haha... i shall see abt getting one proper one soon enough...
now i'm still experimenting ard with it haha adding all the random stuff to my profile page...
despite wat i thought a few wks ago now i think facebook is cool =)

other than that... i need to bk in later... boo00 =(

... ... WHEN YOU WISH THE NXT TIME 'LL NEVER BE ... ...

its so frustrating i don't know where to begin from so i guess i won't start...
i'm on a one-way street of hell for the nxt 13 months...

i need smth to look forward to when i escape from camp every wkend...
rite now i'm juz grateful i'm not at the point of exhaustion yet...
keep it that way pls

... ... MAF 2007 ... ...

i'm gonna skip the part abt my first wk in 4SAB cause there really isn't much to write abt other than that i'm an inexperienced noob, and that i went back to SISPEC to mount radio sets on some rovers for ATEC nxt wk for which i'm going to be attached to some umpire as a signaller...
waste of time juz abt sums it up...

met up with some 72 classmates for dinner at curry wok after that... haha been such a long time since i last stepped into the place although the food remained exactly the way it used to be... stayed there for a while before being "chased out" to make space for other ppl waiting outside haha... afterwhich we went shopping with kevin at ntuc before going to sch for MAF...
MAF was okay this yr although i thought the lightings and decorations cld be a little bit more well done but at least the fountain was gd haha... really nice to see lots of old classmates again even those from secondary school and juz catch up a little here and there... stayed for song and dance afterwards and juz muddled along with the rest cause i forgot like nearly all the dances (to be honest i don't really think i ever know them that well haha) too bad some ppl weren't there for the song and dance or else it wld be more complete... spotted sharon au in the crowd doing the dance too and some of the girls went to take photo with her haha... after that went Kap to eat(cq's treat) and talked for a while before heading home haha...

i guess this is the last time i wld be seeing some of them before they fly overseas for their studies... specifically hong zhen, meiyi, jiang yue and jia shee (whom i missed totally during MAF) won't be free to go send anyone off at the airport cause yeah u know the reason why...
but anyway all the best for the future and hope ur 'll find the right kind of life for ur out there =)

在时限外飘零的 是时限内的这一刻

... ... SWAYED ... ...

tml 'll be a new start again...
how many has it been really...
and i'm already tired of the trepidation already...

i feel abit out of hand really...
especially when my last few days abound with so many "lasts" and so many "news" and when i'm trying to catch up with so old friends and such...
its like u're feeling a little of everything at the same time, so much so it gets kinda confusing... like everything familiar is changing right infront of your eyes... like like the images are changing so rapidly but ur mind refuse to process them in time for u to react...
hm...
i think i'm juz more receptive/sensitive to changes...

sometimes i juz wanna close my eyes and listen to the songs in my heart...

... ... 01/07 IC2 SPEC ... ...

officially out of SI after the end-of-course event yesterday nite...
hm the last day of anything will always be that nostalgic haha...
i stayed in SI the longest ever since i enlisted into the SAF... Bmt and sispec were like 10wks respectively and this signal course topped it off with a total of 14 wks haha...
even before leaving i'm thinking i'll miss the stillness of SI although sometimes it gets so deadly boring but there's a peace and quiet there that i kinda like... somehow i doubt unit life 'll be that peaceful haha...
there's too many nice chaps there in my platoon that i'm gonna miss...
my bunk is so slack and nonsensical that somehow no matter what i think, there's this fuzzy sens of belonging that juz grows on me =)
but i guess there's always a limit to everything to make it all worthwhile so its only reality that we shld go our separate ways someday...
there's alot of "cld 've beens" here for me to throw away and hide somewhere within but i muz admit i had a great time here haha...
thanx everyone and cya some other day =)

nxt stop is gonna be 4SAB in Kranji Camp...
rite now i not that keen abt going there anymore haha...
sigh fate sux...

Why, or Why Not

to get my happiness i have done everything
but have done nothing to be blamed and accused of
the sound of footsteps became louder everyday
then i noticed the fact there was no time

I was a believer in life to be myself always
and was asking whether I would be alive

give me a reason why not to adopt in this way
or judge me to be guilty of my incurable sins
tell me why or why not, complaining way too much
maybe I overlooked something fatal for me

the whole world was at a complete standstill
and i was in fetters, at the mercy of the mob
the silent warning became louder everyday
then i kept pretending not to hear

its meaning had been in the eyes of beholder all along
it had grown dark before i found a sign

among the nonsense tragedies, what on earth you are looking for?
you only have to be honest to yourself and your own fate
tell me why or why not, complaining way too much
maybe I overlooked something fatal for me

there is no one who knows there will be nobody
except for me all the world has gone mad
so what is forgiveness you are willing to withhold?
what is the well-being you are willing to make?
now what? so what?
don't you come interrupting me, oh please,
while i am interrupting myself

... ... ARMOUR ... ...

and i finally know my nxt posting! going to 4SAB kranji camp!
hm don't really know much abt it hopefully its a nice place haha and there better not be any soc =X
well gonna be there with some of my other platoon mates... i guess this will make things a little easier there...
although i do pity some other who didn't exacly get the posting they desire... sigh i mean its difficult to make everyone happy at the same time... and personally i feel some ppl don't really deserve the postings they got...
oh well there's only so much we can go sometimes...

nxt wk gonna be real slack i think...
needa go back to SI for abt 2 more days mainly lesson and an end-of-course function at the end of it before reporting to my new unit on the following monday...
shall juz cherish the quiet moments i 've left before i go to 4SAB...
i guess i gonna miss certain ppl in my platoon afterall

... ... POPED ... ...

rite there...
and i finally poped to become a 3SG! woohoo its been long enough from a recruit to a sgt haha...
now all that's left is to finish my course and get my posting...
after that i hoping its gonna be a relaxing period all the way until i ord which is like really really far away although everyone is saying that its gonna be over in like a blink of an eye... but i secretly wonder if its only for formality sake that they say so...

1 wk+ more until the end of the course but it seems really really undesirable...
there 2 more ex left! and i'm seriously not in the mood to do any more work after pop...
and there r seriously alot more things that i shld 've done but i guess its gonna take abit more time bef0re i start working out...
sigh so much to do so little time and energy...
bleah...

... ... ENDURANCE ... ...

at the start of the wk, i thought i wld go crazy but well i got through it somehow haha...
being course IC for the wk wasn't fun and we had our ex endurance this wk too... but at least its over...
endurance was quite horrible really... i walked until i really cldn't take it and basically juz limped my way back haha... i was like one of the slowest in my team already...
at least i know abit of stuff here and there although i wasn't really that gd either but hey better than those who doesn't know anything and never study rite haha...
anyway that's done so i shan't comment further on that aanymore... i'm juz glad its over haha...
and nxt wk is pop! although we haven't exactly finished our course yet...
after i get my sgt rank still need to go back to SI for another 2 more wks to finish up the course... but i'm not too worried abt that now haha...
shld be quite relaxing then =)

due to endurnace i had a really bad knee and now i can't even lift up my knee up to a certain height haha...
it makes it really hard to walk cause i can only take that big a pace now and it really isn't very big so yeah it wld be a little bit difficult to go sentosa or esplanade to watch fireworks...
had to miss the class outing because of that paiseh... nxt time then =)
and yeah maybe its time to start planning outings and stuff...
shall see how it goes then...

... ... CONVERSATION ... ...

is something wrong?

it feels like it was me who has been running away all this while...

how long... has it been?

i can't remember... its too easy to get lost and lose sight of the past when you have to move forward every day...

ic... will it make much of a difference then?

...

why? when you yourself already know...

maybe its too late... i'm not that sure myself... i've always been like that...

perhaps there's a reason why the past caught up with you today, to take you back to the proper path, to remind you of just how much expectation you need to fulfill...

its tiring to go against the odds, denying the innate origins from which i grew out from... its just... too heavy to bear...

we try not for nothing.

but i tried although i can't be sure if it was enough... or if it ever will be... at the end of hopes is that emptiness where i wouldn't want to go...
i don't want... to end up with nothing...
at least right now i can still pretend that everything is still possible, that i haven't fail myself or anyone else who has a hand in shaping the dreams

so... you gonna continue running?

yeah... sorry.

how long?

soon... i hope. i wish things could have been better but that's not the way my life works... so i guess i have to keep on running...

...

till next time... maybe when i've a stronger resolve...

yeah okay... cya

... ... UPDATE ... ...

been busy lately and it looks set to continue this way for the nxt few wks as well...
gonna 've a bunch of exercises coming rite up and i'm holding appointment for the nxt one tml... meaning more things to worry abt =x
oh well shall take it one step at a time and we shall see how it goes...

anyway operators r leaving gradually...
guess SI 'll be back to the quiet way it was at the start when i juz went in...
i wonder if that's a gd or bad thing...
there's not much time left and i wish we cld 've some time by ourselves nxt wk...
there's so much that i wanna do and say but there's juz alot of limitations sigh...

alrite then...
until nxt time adieos

... ... BIG BOYS AND GIRLS ... ...

so much happened last wk but i guess i wldn't want to comment any further on it... life sux when its boring...

ate dinner with my cls on sat...
haha wasn't all that bad but i guess we r really growing up bit by bit...
all those awkward pauses after each bout of laughter doesn't mean nothing... as if we 're feeling guilty for not being able to carry it on...
but it was fun juz catching up and crapping abt nothing in particular haha...
haha we r all big boys and girls now and that's all there is to it =)

... ... FRIDAY THE 13 ... ...

with so much things going on in camp its hard to retain my sanity...
alot of things 've happened, mostly for the worse and i suspect this is but a prelude for others...
there's so much disillusionment that i can't help but feel like i'm losing my direction...
sigh...
for i'm no special saint but only an ordinary man

it was my birthday on friday 13th july... also friday the 13 haha
so for that and inspite of all that has happened i guess i shld try to keep my spirits up...
thanx to the few that remembered my birthday =) esp when i forgot abt it myself on the actual day until i received the 1st brithday greeting =X

and to conclude everything...
here's smth i picked up from a bk i juz finished...

"The Philosopher At The End Of The Universe" by Mark Rowlands

Choosing to live your life in a certain way, as one where moral considerations outweigh self-interested ones, or where self-interested reasons outweigh moral ones, or where both are constantly vying with each other to be top dog, is, in effect, a matter of becoming what you are.
There may be no ultimate reason for being or becoming one sort of person rather than another.
It is something we just do.
It is our action - rather than our reason - that lies at the bottom of the self-definition game.
The beginning of morality is the question "Why be moral?" and in the beginning lies the deed.

... ... TO SEARCH ... ...

the operators r finally in! and its 6 platoons at 1 go! so SI block is really crowded and noisy... or rather lively wld be a better word =)
now we're juz waiting for the officers cadets to drop in soon... wonder who'll be there haha
other than that the ns life still goes on...

back in sch i muz say its kinda hard to imagine how everyone wld be all over the country or world leading their own lives... but i guess this is how it is rite now and we 'll only say to ourselves "this is life"...
all of a sudden we seemed so grown up haha... or maybe i'm juz imaging it in my head =)
there's a certain beauty in nostalgic...
but then i know i'm still searching and moving on =)

... ... HARDLY EVENTFUL ... ...

who's gonna believe that even army dishes out homework nowadays?!
so much to accomplish and so little time to do... not to mention the drastic overload of info every single day that sometimes it feels like i my brain is actually aslp even while my eyes and ears continue to process and take in the info... in short i'm kinda in a "vegetative" state if u know wat i means =X
its hard to feel "platoonistic" when there r so many screw ups but yeah i'm crossing my fingers and hoping that things r gonna start improving from nxt wk onwards... esp so since SI is gonna be pretty crowded once all the recruits and octs start pouring in...
wonder if i'll get to see anyone i know hm...
guess we'll find out soon enough eh

every once in a while i'll be reminded of juz who and wat i am rite now... and there'll always be these nagging doubts hanging ard and i'll be wondering if everything now, in this present state and moment, is alrite the way they r...
somewhat alone somewhat aloof i guess i'm really juz moving in a diff. timezone from everyone else...

that aside, one way or another, i'm gonna make full use of this xtra break i've this wk and actually do some stuff for myself... sometimes in life u juz gotta put in the xtra efforts urself instead of waiting for freebies to drop from the sky...



and i wish i still believe in that...

... ... SIGNALLER ... ...

it's been like 1.5wks since i entered SI...
and it feels like i'm back to sch again minus the freedom and things r really much more complicated and harder to understand here =(
compensation for the missing soc i guess haha

but somehow inside SI time passes really really slowly... almost like its been cursed haha (not to mention the loads of dirty stuff inside that i heard abt but thankfully i haven't experience anything yet)
everyday juz drags on and on and its feel like i've been inside for 3 or even 4 wks now...
and after dinner is our own free time for most of the days but then there's nothing to do...
no mess to go to... nothing much to play with... for those without psp that is...
in fact an "uncomfortable" no. of ppl in my plat 've psp and somehow there's this peer pressure coming into play haha...
so many more ppl r considering getting one already juz to pass the long hours inside...
but i doubt i'm gonna get one though... partly cause of the high price and seriously i rather get a ps3...
but still i've to come up with ways to spend the immensely boring time inside =(
actually i'm toying with the idea of actually self-studying jap or other stuff that i'm interested in during all that free timer but it seems so muggish to a certain extent that i'm quite hesitant abt it...
not to mention that there's still like 10+ textbks for me to study inside... but obviously everyone's ignoring them for now haha and it wldn't be appropriate for me to start mugging through them now...

sigh... now it seems like i've so much time inside and so little time outside!
hardly able to meet up with ppl nowadays cause my last 2 sat 've been burned over ndp and by the end of nxt wk all the bmt ppl 'll be preparing to report into their new units already...
gonna make full use of the blk leave on this coming friday and the sunday wkend i guess...

... ... NULL ... ...

still and peaceful.

... ... ITS NOT THE END YET ... ...

and after 10 wks of BSLC i'm finally out of SISPEC
finished my 28km graduation march which started on tues nite and ended on wed morning...
walking through NTU 4 times in total was no joke esp when it seems to stretch on endlessly with no stop it...
somehow i managed to finish the whole thing with aching feet, blisters and abrasion =(
oh well after that was another 1h parade in FBO!
that totally sux but the CPL rank makes it alittle more worthwhile haha =)
bked out in the evening for vesak day and then went back in on thurs nite for sispec anniversary on friday...
drill com was terrible but it wasn't because we cldn't do it we juz corked up but i guess that cldn't be helped so no point brooding abt it...
other than that we performed quite well for the other games haha =)
after all that we took our last walk out of SISPEC except for those going ASLC of course... cruel but it juz can't be helped...
yup after so long its finally over... hopefully signals 'll be a better place for me... i hope =)

sat was another busy day...
went for lunch with my section mates in the afternoon...
had pizza hut and we ordered like 3 large pizzas haha... ate 4 slices of large pizza until i almost burst but it felt gd to be stuffing food after so long haha...
met up with the rest at 530 at ps for dinner and then to visit dawei...
after much delays here and there we finally got ourselves to the hospital haha...
and 1/2way we forgot abt jeffrey paiseh abt that haha...
he seemed to be quite alrite already although abit weak and with that giant cast haha...
we like 've a mini cls reunion there and juz made alot of noise haha...
then the indian guy slping nxt to dawei was like twisting and turning and covering himself with the blanket all that to block out our noise haha...
got chased out by the nurse later cause visiting hours was over and we headed over to KAP for supper although it was a tad faraway haha...
we seriously need more ppl who can drive bigger cars man =)
that aside...
hope dawei 'll recover faster to join us for future gatherings and hopefully he 'll get over
and incident and start moving ahead again...
sometimes its not abt possessing but rather its knowing that u were there all along, to 've made the effort to find and walk the path to ur vision...
really that's all that matters =)

as of now...
for me you and everyone else...
its not the end yet =)

... ... THE INTERVAL ... ...

and finally the last field camp is over phew...
it was nice to play catching with the wild boars i guess but i guess i wldn't mind giving it a miss...
during the 2nd nite of field camp we were "assualted" by wild boars...
they came juz before midnite wandered ard caused some panic before getting chased off... then they they came back wandered ard again and slept in our harbouring area... after which they woke up bet 2-4 (when i was on sentry) then went to steal fieldpacks and rations to eat... and in total i slept like 2+ or 3h the whole nite =S
and that's abt all the interesting stuff abt fieldcamp haha...

3 more days to pop!
and i wonder where i'll be going after bslc...
sigh...
it doesn't help when u know that ur fate is practically sealed ever since the day i u tool ur cmpb test 1 yr ago...
i juz hope i'll end up somewhere where i'll be happy and meet great ppl... really that's all i want haha although i know its really alot to ask for in life...
and now i juz 've to wait for the results to be released

went to watch pirates yesterday!
although it was really an accident... was supposed to watch spiderman3 but then we cldn't get the tics cause i didn't arrive early so had to change to pirates in the end...
the movie ended ard 12+ haha but lucky we had zhou hao to drive us home =)
and oh yeah muz apologise to kityeng! paiseh sorry for all the troubles caused!

1 last thing that has been bothering me ever since i found out abt it yesterday...
sigh... sometimes life juz doesn't really go the way we want it to...
many things can change juz because of 1 single accident and that's the way life is... unpredictable uncontrollable...
i guess in the end we juz 've to take it in and move on with the burden, so that as time passes we learn how to deal with it and make it lighter and more manageable...
watever the case i hope u'll be able to get over it and recover soon too... missing an intermediate stop inbetween doesn't mean u'll miss that final destination...
if there's a need, look back and we'll be standing somewhere behind... always =)

... ... ATONEMENT ... ...

somehow i got into my business administration and communications and new media course in NUS! yes i know its a mouthful...
but i guess there's still abit of uncertainty here and there cause i don't really know wat to expect...

so many things happened this wk that i'm becoming abit disorientated...
its so easy to get confused and lost and i wonder if i'll ever wonder back to the right track...
and here i'm wishing for everything to be over...
but once its over... where am i gonna go?
and it 'll be yet another gamble to take...

the truth hurts really bad...
i was always clinging onto an unknown and desperately running away from that confirmation...
wat cld i do... possibly alot but the fact is i never did...
and i don't really quite know how to react how to respond how to answer for it so i remained silent...
but i know the hauntings 'll come to stay... perhaps for a very long time...
atonement, if any, has never been that easy...

... ... CONNECTION ... ...

going back in again later...
and there's SOC tml! yucks
and the cycle 'll continue from there...
life kinda sux but one way or another u gotta live with it...
5 wks more to go! and i pray i won't kenna ASLC or its really the end of the world haha...
sigh...
juz gotta get through the nxt 5 wks... somehow its like becoming more and more of a mental torture for me...
haha i never wld 've expected myself to be caught in such a situation but then again here i am and there's nth i can do abt it...


went to eski subzero pub yesterday with my old cls...
haha i guess i really do miss everyone... even more than i thought so...
it was nice catching up with everyone else haha now that all the guys r in army already... there r more stuff to talk abt i guess haha...
although i muz admit i do feel that gap left by time in its passing here and there...
or maybe its juz me who has been lagging behind but i guess i wldn't ever know...

sigh...
sometimes its juz so hard to stay connected...

... ... SOME THOUGHTS ... ...

sometimes u wld wonder how much and how long it wld take for you to feel contented...
and u wld look ard and realise that nth could be wat it really shld be...
why shld there be imperfectness and all its unnecessary offshoots...
and if there's really some being out there watching out for us...
there wld be some fear, some hatred and at the end that bit loneliness...
it wld be a long nite but somewhere along the line u wld fall aslp...
and the nxt day wld come...
and u wld wake up to feel ur helplessness...
but to admit this disheartening and carry on as best as u can...
perhaps that is a form of courage in itself...

in the end u wld realise that this world has nothing to offer...
its has been so rite from the start except u do not realise it yet...
this world or rather ur world is derived only from ur own perceptions and beliefs...
there is nth more to it than efforts and perhaps that is wat defines humanity...

tml wld come and it wld be juz another day...

... ... JUZ ANOTHER BAD DAY ... ...

when u're shortchanged of 1 day of ur long wkend u tend to get alittle grumpy and irritated with everything... cause i got guard duty on sunday!
so while ppl get to bk in on sunday ntie i 've to bk in on sat nite! =(

and things didn't exactly go as planned after i got back from camp...
i got rejected like so many times =(
1st thing was firefly interview! i didn't even get through the 1st rd of interview loh =(
then airforce rejected me too! but nvm i was never that keen on it anyway... not with the 10 yr sign on written all over it... but i wldn't mind being a nsf in the airforce =)
and...
and... erm...
and my games rejected me too!
somehow i keep on dying and the stupid boss refuse to die... after trying like dunno how many times i decided to give up...
then in another game i got killed by some stupid ghost like 3/4 through the stage... by then i was too irritated to restart everything again...
sigh...
and now i'm thinking abt bking in again... and u can guess how sianz that makes me =(

hm...
i thought i cld go kbox tml! but no chance liao haha...
although i'm having abit of sore throat and flu now but then maybe can recover by tml mah... we shld always be optimistic at certain times...
oh well guess we'll juz 've to wait until dunno when then =(
i seems to be frowning alot in this entry =(
urm juz another bad day i guess... and many more to come...

... ... SISPEC ECHO ... ...

1st bk out from sispec!
got posted to echo coy...
hm... i suppose i'm lucky its not a xiong coy haha although we still train hard during trg but other than that we enjoy more welfare than the rest =)
well they prefer to run it on a system of trust and i'm not complaining abt that haha...

and i guess i'll be the tailwind and the breeze...

... ... SISPEC ... ...

and yup the posting's finally out...
and i going into sispec infantry ldr!
not that i'm terribly happy and excited abt it! the idea of chiong sua is juz unbearable =(
bottom line is i'm still a slacker at heart haha
sigh look at how much i've changed over the yrs... okay maybe not that much but still i was more dilligent and aspiring back then

hm...
sometimes msn nicks/personal messages can be so informative haha...
its fascinating why ppl wld want to put everything up there for everyone to see...
juz look at the no. of oct up there haha... (and i'm not being green-eyed here)
but yeah looking at all those i had a sudden urge to laugh juz now but i'm not sure whether i'm laughing at them or laughing at myself or both... and i don't know why either haha...
i think i'm getting a little bit cranky as the back-to-ns date draws near...
i kinda feel that i wasted my whole blk leave away...
i didn't really accomplish much and i never enjoy myself enough!
and thats only 2 days left sigh...

i guess up to now i've always been near lucky but never lucky...
or maybe its juz because i am never satisfied with wat i get...
but really if i am to be a sinner for that crime then make it such that i truly deserve that branding...
the world doesn't make sense but only because i do not make sense to the world...

... ... SOLITUDE ... ...

sometimes i wld choose to believe that life 'll be much better if i'm living alone by myself somewhere...

would my self-indulgence in solitude stop the weariness?

somehow i can never seem to recover...

this world really isn't made for me... or maybe i'm juz not made for this world...

this world has too high expectations and requirements of me but yet i can't seem to find any for it...

and i wish time wld stop for me... such that the nxt second 'll only come when i'm ready for the world again...

... ... POP ... ...

i offically poped out of BMTC today!
yay no more tekong! (unless there's guard duty or some other rubbish of course)
last few days of BMT were quite slack really... didn't really do much except packing and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning... yeah u get the picture haha...
wat matters is spending time with my section mates i guess haha...
basically we juz ate and ate and ate and ate rubbish...
no wonder i never really recover from my cough and sore throats haha...
i think i 'll really miss the slack times with them together haha... juz sitting ard idling and talking rubbish haha...
although truth be told i 'll miss come ppl much more than others haha
but i really like my commanders haha... eh ALMOST all of them anyway...
they really really nice... although they seem abit off at first but then towards the end they r like the best we cld ever get =)
i abit shagged now so i don't think i'll go into the nitty gritty abt why they r nice haha...
so juz a really big thanx to ps ken aka "kira", sgt khalid, sgt khairul and of course my pc! =)
hm... did i miss someone out? hm... i think i did but nvm i'm too tired to figure it out =P
i guess when u reach the endpoint and when u start turning ard to take another look at the footprints u've left behind... somehow u tend to be more appreciative and less disapproving...
thats juz the way i feel now haha...
bmt wasn't all that bad afterall haha... easy for me to say cause its over for me haha...
or maybe its the anticipation for the path ahead... its gonna be so much tougher out there sigh...

oh well...
i 've quite a long break and i better make full use of it... lots of things to do!
1) catch up with old and new friends
2) buck up on my lousy and way-behind time keyboard
3) cybuster!
4) uni and scholarship application (shall be homebound tml)
5) play ps2
6) go kbox? whee!
7) go shopping? although i really wonder where i gonna get money from recruit's pay is really peanuts...
8) xtra trg =(
9) eat nice food
10) and erm... many other things...
see! busy sia!

... ... EVERYTHING AHEAD ... ...

alritey at least a'lvl is settled for no...
quite satisfied with my results i guess...
the 4as are nice and the b3 was slightly disappointing but i guess overall its still quite gd haha...
oh well its not as if i'm aiming for those super-hard-to-get scholarships or unis haha...
i guess i'm juz gonna stay in sg haha unless i happen to land myself some scholarship thats can land me somewhere but thats quite hard to imagine for now...
i'm quite undecided abt which course to take though... there's a general direction but well its hard to be decisive when u going slightly off-tangent from all ur clsmates haha... oh well nvm...
eh hopefully the open hse nxt wk 'll help me make up my mind...
and there's scholarship to think abt too!
headache man...
i wonder how i gonna get my way through this bleah...

not to mention there's the final EI tml!
whether or not i can qualify is one thing but do i want it in the first place?
hm...
i muz admit i'm not exactly a ns/military kind of guy...
xtra 9 months of trg sounds really gloomy and distasteful rite now... actually 5 months doesn't seem much better... okay maybe its slightly less gloomy and distasteful than 9 months...
rite... so where does that place me now...

... ... CNY UPDATE ... ...

i realise its been very long since i've last updated...
oh well another effect of ns i suppose =(
seriously i think ns is making me sick...
had the tekong cough for the past 2 wks already... and worse still nowadays my trg r all abt pt pt and more pt...
and i getting more and more sick as the days go by lah...
yesterday i had headache among other things and it accumulated into a fever... as a result i slept and wasted the whole nite away!
oh man and i 've to bk in today already... feels as though i wasted my 4 days break leh so irritating lah... cldn't go for steamboat dinner with 72 yesterday also... oh well guess i'll meet up with ur when we get our results back haha...

oh and i've phobia of certain qns during cny already...
aiyah its juz that i'm not quite ready to ans them yet...
so yeah i do get abit irritated when such qns come my way...

a'lvl results coming soon i guess...
and i've no idea wat i'm gonna do with my results haha...
aiyah i hate this already...
there's so much i 've to think abt lately and i'm hardly in the right frame of mind to think through everything properly haha...
oh man this sux...

... ... 2 WKS LATER ... ...

i've decided that 2 wks is a very long time!

i'm cock-eyed! which equals to alot of problems for me particularly...
u can't imagine how i can actually get so stressed out over it haha...
but i got through it so yeah that's it for BTP...

i really really need to train!

nxt wk is field camp! =(

... ... NS ... ...

today is the 11th! tml is ns day for me! haha...
i guess i'm all packed and ready to go... although the packing process is really quite irritating... there's always this undepreparedness feeling hanging ard bleugh...
've that "cannot waste time muz finish everything" feeling over the past few days but when it gets down to it i can't really think of all the things that i need to do to hold on to the sand that continues to seep through my fingers...
and before u know it poof its 11th already haha...

so i guess that's it haha...
if u see life as a series of train stations... then i guess i'm juz getting on the nxt train heading to the nxt station haha...
well after milling ard with everyone else at the station for last 2 yrs i suppose the train 'll arrive sooner or later haha...
haha yup now i'm juz hoping i'll get nice ppl with some common grounds to fall back on... although past exp tells me fate never plays it fair haha...
oh well we shall find out tml then...

hm... why is there this sense of "finality" weaving through my words haha...
well when u leave on a train somewhere maybe u leave behind that part of u that existed before u board the train...
and well after that u juz find a new u at the nxt station and god knows wat happens inbetween haha...
so yeah i think i'll change... and i hope its for the better! =)

okay that's it...
cya after 2 wks haha (come to think of it it doesn't really seem that long too but i may change my mind afterwards so yeah)
adieos...

... ... NORMAL ... ...

whew...
finally back from cls chalet for the past 3 days...
slept more than i planned to after reaching home haha...
oh well i muz be more tired than i thought... even though i slept like 7h like that on the 2nd nite haha...
the 2nd nite was peaceful and we finally did get a chance to go on a night walk haha... although the break water was like totally full =(
but okay i guess that was nice haha... shld 've done so on the 1st nite but everyone ended up slping so yeah too bad...

and i only went to the beach once in the afternoon on the 1st day!
argh wasted...
shld 've gone there again!
its juz nice to sit there and feel the wind haha... once again no opportunity so too bad again...

it kinda feels gd to be home again haha...
and i finally finish everything so its a pretty cool feeling...
haha time to leave all the imaginary responsibilities behind and i'll be a normal ex sec4 student, a normal ex npcc cadet and a normal ex jc student =)

5 and counting...

... ... blood diamond ... ...

well went to watch blood diamond today...
and yup it wasn't too bad although i thought the front part was really too draggy...
action-wise i didn't think it was too fantastic but it has its own merits in other areas which were really quite nicely done... nice emotional touches everywhere actually haha...
not strangely enough... my favourite has got to be the last scene... eh actually almost the last scene when the helicopter took off haha (i'm being vague to prevent possible spoilers haha)
it has way too much meaning and depth in it =)

oh and yeah...
i played my first para para in the arcade =S

and yeah i juz realise smth a few min ago...
i mean if i were him i wld 've chosen to keep quiet and not say anything haha...
but aiyah... i guess alot of things doesn't really matter anymore...