restless

time: 11.44pm

restless. and distracted.

blind as a bat

time: 21.06pm

connection in hall is sucky these days. Its slow and everything takes forever to load. I hope its not a virus or something. -_- Or maybe my computer knows the exams are coming, so it is its way of telling me, 'no more fooling around please'

I did a silly thing today, I went to school without my glasses. It was quite bad really. I was trying to bring into focus a whole string of swimming words during lectures. Mind you, my degree isnt that high but my astigmatism is pretty bad. And i never got the hang of wearing contacts. I have like 4 pairs lying somewhere, untouched. I have sinned for wasting good money on it. I think i should wear them soon. Today was a ordeal to get through. And i realise how irritable i could become when i couldnt see properly. XX times i bend down into my bag to grab my specs only to realise that i didnt bring it. It was like a natural instinct. Luckily i had my lappie, so i just stared at it most of the time instead of the big screen.

Another thing i've come to realise. Have you ever found that you had wayyyy too many passwords to remember? One for msn, one for webmail, one for facebook, one for your blog, one for your yahoo groups, one for your google group. omg. And i know some people told me before that they used the same one for every account. BUT that is like uber dangerous!! One found, all die. haha ok, not that anyone will care to find out la. And the number of passwords and usernames i have is insane. Just like how, just now, i took 2 tries to log into blogger, each time typing in the wrong password. And it doesnt help that i have a memory of a dory fish.(not as bad as a goldfish yet. (: )

i think my blogger account has a damn silly password. time to change it.

another random post for another random day. Time to get working. go go go!

the day the fruit died

time: 8.30pm

back in hall again. I realise that im really very unproductive at all. I daydream, sleep, watch tv and feel terribly restless. I wonder what is wrong.

Anw, we finally completed out 206 filming and i pray and hope that it is ok! In the end we had to go all the way to boon lay to borrow feebs and gang's camera cause ours was not working! IT WAS SO DEPRESSING..i tell you. Time the school changes cam. So i hope that it turns out ok when we review it. And in a way, im pretty glad this will be my last(i hope) production module. Cause while it is a real experience to do it, its not one i want to be constantly faced with.

I currently have 3 ulcers in my mouth. amazing how they decided to attack me all together. ouch ouch ouch.

tmr i need to figure out how to lag everything to school. lol.

silence

time: 3.13am

the silence of the night can be tiring.

Thank you for talking to me about everything. :)

come what may.

crossroads

time: 9.28pm

At different points of our lives, we reach crossroads. It involves thought, comprehension and decision. Thinking about it is easy, understanding it may take some time, but the hardest of all is the last step. whatever you choose has it consequences. Consequences that you have to live with and may or may not be happy ones. No one knows what the future beholds and it kind of reminds me of the story books i used to read when i was younger. The kind that at the end of the page ask you to choose a ending, if you choose this to happen, turn to pg 42 and continue the story, if you choose another option, turn to pg 50. And what you choose will affect the eventual outcome of the story.

I hated those kind of books. Cause i always ended up choosing both and trying to follow 2 story threads. or i would look at both pages that come after the option and choose the one that sounded better or more exciting. I didnt like to have to determine something out of 2 choices. I never did finish a book of that nature. Why read a book that has SO many alternative endings when i can buy one that brings me through the whole story smoothly? lol, yes i am pretty lazy in that sense.

no wonder it is easier sometimes to stay at the crossroads.

oh and today, we watched 300. blood, sacrifice and love. It had its light moments but well im glad i was sitting next to lays. Cause i think she can best understand the reactions i went through. After all 墨攻，was pretty similar ya? haha thanks seh for not laughing. :)

lastly, congrats to ting yi and his group for winning la. haha i mean how often do you get your picture published in ST??? :D woot.

late night cravings

time: 12.09am

I cant stop thinking about the donuts in the fridge. But after the oily dinner i really cannot imagine the agony a donut will do to my tummy. Im already suffering from indigestion. But why cant i stop thinking about it? Its annoying me off in a silly way. I even went to open the fridge just to look at them.

SIGHZ. i think im mad.

there is a God..somewhere

time: 9.39am

I've been thinking about the conversation i had with two total strangers yesterday. They were from Campus Crusade and when they sat down to ask me if i had time, i happily said yes thinking it would be some survey they wanted me to do.

But when they told me where they were from, i was like "oh"

- awkward silence -

Then no one knew what to say. So i asked " urm..are you here to spread your faith?"

That felt like a damn dumb question to ask, but you dun come and sit with me, tell me where you are from then have a weird silent moment leh.

I think those who know me well will know that i get kind of defensive towards such people. I dun like to be asked to do something or forced to accept something. But i have to admit that after the initial shock wore off, i found the two of them quite nice.

Maybe cause i made my stand clear right from the start. I kind of told them my story and well i think they kind of saw that there wasnt a point pushing me into anything. so they simply gave some suggestions, thats all.

To be totally honest, i missed the times where i felt closed to God. Things changed when i entered JC and left a convent school. Things changed when i decided to go to church for a while. I went to a really normal church you know, not the charismatic type, yet, some things i heard during youth group upset me. And things left me feeling abit disillusioned.

I like the knowledge that the relationship between me and God is really just between the two of us. I know it is not accepted if i dun solemnised this relationship in a place of worship, but i guess i dun want to. Im not ready and i dun know if i ever will be.

What i told the girls yesterday was that i wanted to embrace religion, all of them. I used to be fascinated with religion. The stories behind them, what motivates them and the strength that people get from them. I wasnt ready to commit and place any form of restrictions on myself just because i was to remain devoted to one.

Am i envious? sometimes yes, cause i admire these people who have found a place to put their faith in. As i grew up and starting exploring the faith, perhaps things just didnt work out right and i found myself slowly drifting away.

I think im going to spend some time reading up on all kinds of religion. I know, books can be biased too, but i know that at least i can close the book when i dun like what i read. I appreciate my frens talking to me about religion too and it is a conversation that really intrigues me, but yet sometimes my defense mechanism kicks in and well...uneasy silence rides in.

Whoever the God is, whatever the religion, i know that is pure, it is sincere and i know that it is kind to everyone.

Sometimes its the human beings who simply mess things up.

But to those of you with your own special relationship with God, i hope it brings you comfort, joy and hope. :)

the power of less

time: 21.36pm

Its amazing sometimes how some people can say so much with so little.

I tend to be a little more longwinded sometimes, unable to tell stories like songs.

And you have no idea how much admiration i have for those who can.

They write just...wow.

If i had to find a word, it would be 'Graceful'

havent you ever read blogs of people who made you go....wow.

ahahhaha omg, i think im hopeless. 'Wow' is the word for today. i just cant find anythinge better for now.

but ya, im sure if you are my fren you will get what im driving at. :)

cheers to the new week!

rain

time: 13.37pm

its raining.

guess any plans to hit the pool will have to wait as i watch it pour outside my window. I love being at home when it rains. The cool breeze, and i feel safely protected. Even the sound of the rain has a certain rhythm to it. Makes me think of " Rhythm of the falling rain." But my favourite rain song must be this :

Just walking in the rain
Getting soaking wet
Torturing my heart
By trying to forget

Just walking in the rain
So alone and blue
All because my heart
Still remembers you

People come to windows
They always stare at me
Shaking their heads in sorrow
Saying, who can that fool be

Just walking in the rain
Thinking how we met
Knowing things could change
Somehow I can't forget

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Just walking in the rain)
(Walking in the rain)
(Walking in the rain)
(Just walking in the rain)
(All day I ....)

People come to their windows
They always stare at me
Their shaking their heads in sorrow
Saying, who can that fool be
(Now who can he be)

Just walking in the rain
(Walking in the rain)
Thinking how we met
(Walking in the rain)
Knowing things could change
(Walking in the rain)
Somehow I can't forget
(Walking in the rain ....)

Walking in the rain by Johnnie Ray. No, the rain luckily doesnt have this depressing effect on me, but the song? Its so darn cute. It has been my ring tone for the last month

hmm, ok it has stopped raining. amzaing the singapore weather. :) haha

for my frens

time : 11.36pm

To my fren who had a bad day
To my fren who is sick and grumpy
To my fren who seems to have too much to do
To my fren who is tired from all her filming
To my frens fighting along side with me in conquering Malay



smile! tmr will be a great day.
(it better be for me- i have oral!! )

习惯就好

time: 11.06pm

there is a lizard in my room again, waking me up at 7.30am this morning with its loud mating noises. I know i should be freaking out in my usual manner, but for some strange reason, this morning, my only thought was " shut up can, i want to sleep". yes, there was this old fear that knocked, the one that told me to run as far as i could from the source of noise( which happened to be above me, fyi). Instead a new feeling bubbled up- the one that felt like giving up and just living with the fellow.

life is like this isnt it? As much as you dun like things, or even fear them, after facing the same thing time and time again, you just shut off, live with it and allow the unpleasantness to simply blend in with your life. Its like losing a place in hall and having to travel every day to school. It can be a real pain and you know it, but then eventually it just fits into the daily motion of the life and you get used to it. Thats how we are alot of times, we get used to things.

i have a fren whom i know goes through a lot and everytime i ask him how he is coping, he tells me "习惯就好". i feel kind of sad cause i dun think he really wants to be in the situation where he is now, but yet, he cant get out of it. Too many strings attached already. So, life sucks for him, but he learns to get the best out of it.

But somehow i think things for you and me may be different. If things can change for the better, why not give it a try? Things today will always be different from tomorrow. How much of it are we going to let into our lifes? Getting used to something may not necessarily be bad, it teaches us patience and tolerance. It provides a sense of comfort in our lives, a form of familiarity. But let us not lose ourselves into this familiarity, so much so that we forget how to try.

It takes guts to make that first step forward and even more so to force change. Im still learning how to do both.

well..i dun like the lizard in my room AT ALL. :( so i want it to go, and while i let it stay for now( cause i really cant find it), when i find a chance, i will chase it off. I feel less afraid of lizards now, but that doesnt mean i will happily live with one for the rest of my hall life.

and on a sidenote, i hope to get my first jimmy liao book some time! haha just must find the one with the nicest pictures and the nicest story. :)

free hugs anyone?

time: 3.08am

an uneartly hour to be up i know. haha. Some time ago, we had to present a you tube video for our org com module. I've been wanting to post it up, but forgot all about it.


free hugs- i bet some of us have read about it in the papers before. A movement that is simple yet powerful. When i was in secondary school, hugs came free and easily. It was like a form of greeting, a way to say " hey, how have you been". In sec 3, during a talk, the lady told us " you need 3 hugs a day to stay happy". I couldnt remember who she was, or what the talk was about. But I remembered how all of us had to get off our seats and walk to 3 people to hug them. It may sound silly, but it wasnt. not at all.

Once, i was able to unbashingly have said " gosh, i think i need a hug". Now, i cant even recall the last time i said that. With age comes a different way to cope with fears and worries. A little more inhibitations, a little more guarded, a little more shy. A little more worried about how i appear to others. And of course, being out of a all girls' school counts too.

yes i may miss it, but it doesnt make me sad. Im just being nostalgic.

so BIG *hugz* to all. <3

oh yes..and i love the music by sick puppies. :)

hello hello can i survey you?

time: 11.41pm

telephone surveys are not fun. not even when they pay you , cause the interview is so long and very badly designed. omg..what is SIP thinking????

It has reached the moment in time when all CR prac students have to pick up the dial and call the magic numbers. and its complusory for us to complete 5 surveys in 3 days. -_- die seh, 5 surveys need at least 3-4 hours of calling unless im very lucky. Today i call for one hour and only got ONE survey completed. haha and i conducted the survey in CHINESE talking to this housewife. stress man stress, although she very aunty and all, but i had to shift throught all the questions, skip the ones not applicable to her and still talk to her about her children, her husband and how long taiwan series make her weep, just to keep her on the line. hahaha oh man..so tiring. The whole call lasted 20 mins! and after that i really felt like i have no energy to go on.

BUT I MUST! :(

1 down, 4 more to go. SIGHZ

and for com 257 media effects today, we watched this really disturbing video on MTV sex. I know its a pretty biased point of view since the author used very much of the hip hop world to represent the whole MTV world, BUT BUUT BUUUUTTTT....it was still disturbing. :( I think most of the people who watched it would have felt the same way, especially when we saw the behind the scenes footage( i think i wun eat ham for some time seh!) and the real life violation done to women on the streets. its all wrong. Like a street celebration gone wrong and throngs of men stripping women and violating them in public, against their will.

It left a sad bitter taste in my mouth. ROAR. i dun like this chapter.

It's been a long day. But still lots to do. time to get going!
cheerio. :)