This book, That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon's Perspective on Faith & Family, came out [ahem] to much acclaim in the Mormon Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints community almost two years ago. I bought it from the Deseret Book store in downtown Salt Lake City during a particularly rough stretch of time in spring 2018, when I was living and working in Utah while Becky and our four kids were still in New England packing up our home and life.
The book's author, Tom Christofferson, is a younger brother to Elder D. Todd Christofferson, one of our church's 12 Apostles. That family link has led to a lot more attention on this book than it might have received if it were written by a relative no-name. Other books on the subject of our Church and LGBTQ+ issues have hit bookshelves over the years, highlighting the growing awareness of how church policy and culture impact the personal lives of queer Saints, and how some queer Saints try to find their way in our church and culture. I have an abiding interest in that topic for several personal reasons, and I have my own perspective on this subject, some of which I've shared here over time.
So it was with great enthusiasm that I bought this book. Also, my wife's aunt, who kindly let me stay at her home as I bounced around living with relatives so as not to overstay my welcome, had read this book and recommended it. Here's my quick take:
1) I sorely wished I had loaned this book from a library instead of buying it.
2) Tom quickly and often writes his parents onto a pedestal of hagiography, without giving much substance to the why and how they were so loving and supportive of him as he struggled to acknowledge his homosexuality, then live his life as an openly gay man with another man. It was a lot of details-be-darned "they were angels" mumbo-jumbo.
3) Along those lines, Tom barely acknowledges any hard conversations or difficulties in how his parents and siblings navigated having a gay son/brother. As I remember it, Tom wrote exactly once about a brief period of time when he and his parents did not speak. Why I remember this is because it was such an anomaly: most LGBTQ+ people go through prolonged periods of familial strife as they come out. Tom did too, but you'd barely know it by his two or three lines that faintly acknowledge any trying periods in his family's life.
4) His spiritual insights - such as about how his trial has helped him realize the truth of a loving God who is aware of each of us - were interesting to read. Unfortunately, most were almost nothing that a reader would not find in a conference talk from his brother, or his brother's fellow Apostles Elder Holland and President Uchtdorf, who have spoken lovingly and movingly about our queer sisters and brothers.
5) Items two through four, taken together, led me to the conclusion that Tom was trying too hard not to ruffle anyone's feathers. By omitting the hard truths and lived experiences whether for personal or church relations or general PR reasons, maybe for all three - Tom left me frustrated, more than enlightened or uplifted. He could have done even more service to queer Saints, whether adults or youth, by sharing some of the hardships in a level of detail that is sorely lacking in this "everything is roses" autobiography. Grrrrr!
It's as if the theme of this book is, "Everything is just grand as an adult gay man in a church where he cannot marry his same-sex partner! And it will all work out in the end, somehow, someway! Just have faith. Just find happiness in the love and support of family members, even if you cannot get it from your partner. Trials can bring blessings." These all-too-common platitudes can only get you so far, and since they are so common in our church culture, they are plug-and-play aphorisms that are the equivalent of white bread: fluffy, nutrition-deficient filling. Bah Humbug!
A disclaimer: Other family members have read Tom's book, including my brother- and sister-in-law. They've shared how, after reading this book, they have tried to emulate Tom's parents' efforts to be loving and supportive to their own children, my nephews and nieces. So, all is not lost, and other people have taken gems from this book that I have not, or at least did not on my first reading.
Why? Partly because a book speaks to each person differently. And also, likely because my brother- and sister-in-law were reading it as the parents of youth who have challenges as they grow into teenage-hood and adulthood, though none of their challenges (to my knowledge) have to do with non-straight sexual identities. But I read this book as someone who does have that as part of who I am. Thus, we approached the same book from different on-ramps, and so our take-away's are different. I was looking and hoping for a lot more substance on how Tom struggled with his identity, and with reconciling it to his faith, and how he grappled with being gay and being a Latter-day Saint, because that would have been particularly interesting and hitting home for me.
My last take-away's: I am glad that Tom chose to share, in very general terms, his life's story on such a timely and fraught and important topic. I really hope Tom writes a follow-up book about his work with LGBTQ+ youth through Encircle, or what he has learned and heard from others who have read his book. This was Tom's first book, so maybe he has learned in the time since that the need to be more forthcoming and vulnerable can be crucial to LGBTQ+ Saints and their family members, the main target-audience for his book.
