So, the last few days have been a bit rough for me. I think I've had a bit of a relapse into my depressed, angry, sad self who can't understand why I don't get to have a baby.
I even left a lovely family home evening early because I just couldn't deal with the four babies that seemed to be screaming "neener neerer". (I know they weren't, but boy if felt like it)
I thought I was doing okay yesterday when a student of mine (a 17 year old), informed me that she was two months pregnant. With her second child. She kept the first one. He's two. It took all of my strength and ability to speak rationally and calmly with her about her decision to keep the baby and how excited she was and her concerns about how she was going to pay for everything. Then she informed me that her foster mom was going to buy everything that she needed for the baby. How nice!?!
And for hours after and into the wee morning hours of today, I can only think of one word. WHY?
Why do so many women have to struggle with infertility when they are prepared and able and willing to be mothers? Why do so many teenage girls get pregnant and choose abortion or to keep the baby in what seems impossibly difficult circumstances? Why?
I don't think it's my job to find the answer while on this earth; but boy are my Heavenly Father and I going to have a long talk one day about the reasons.
In the meantime, I see my student today. The one who may or may not choose us for adoption, and somehow I have to find a smile and a positive attitude and support her in whatever she says today.
*sigh*
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
this is killing me slowly....
So, at the beginning of the month, I posted some concerns that I had for a student who I thought was pregnant. I was constantly worried about her and wondering if she was getting the help that she needs. I now have an update.
My husband and I decided to go to the orientation meeting for LDS Services to figure out if adoption was right for us. This was on a Friday. We walked away from the meeting feeling like maybe the timing of it all was wrong, but still had the initial packet just in case we changed our minds. I was emotional and frustrated and wondered what Heavenly Father wanted us to do.
A couple of hours passed and I received a phone call from my department head at school. She never calls; so I was worried that I had just lost my job. However, her friend had called her and asked her about me and wondered if we would be interested in adopting. You see, the neighbor of said friend had a daughter that was 15 and pregnant. Within another two hours, the 15 year old's father called and wanted to know if we were interested in adopting. This 15 year old happens to be my student.
We were astonished; ecstatic; emotional; stressed; etc. "Of course" was my response. He told me a little bit about the situation and asked me some questions and we agreed to go through LDS services.
We were rushed into an appointment with our case worker and had an interview set up. We met for the first time and we were ready for the next phase. Our case worker informed us that the birth mother was feeling pressured to choose right now and that she wasn't sure what she wanted. So, they encouraged us to be patient and to wait. Wait until she makes her decision. Wait until she makes contact with you. Wait.
And so, we wait. I have colors picked out and ready to go. I have decor ideas for the nursery. I have cleaned and organized as much as I can. I have thought of names and wondered if she has thought of names. And yet, I don't know if she will choose us. She is due in December. Her parents gave her until December 1 to make her decision. We have nothing. Noelle has kindly offered her car seat and stroller that Emily no longer uses. She offered binkies and bottles and has promised to hold onto them until we know.
Oh how I long to know. How I wish that I could plan. I want to get excited and drive everyone crazy with the incessant talking about it. But I have to wait.
And that might kill me little by little.
(But secretly, I'm still excited!)
My husband and I decided to go to the orientation meeting for LDS Services to figure out if adoption was right for us. This was on a Friday. We walked away from the meeting feeling like maybe the timing of it all was wrong, but still had the initial packet just in case we changed our minds. I was emotional and frustrated and wondered what Heavenly Father wanted us to do.
A couple of hours passed and I received a phone call from my department head at school. She never calls; so I was worried that I had just lost my job. However, her friend had called her and asked her about me and wondered if we would be interested in adopting. You see, the neighbor of said friend had a daughter that was 15 and pregnant. Within another two hours, the 15 year old's father called and wanted to know if we were interested in adopting. This 15 year old happens to be my student.
We were astonished; ecstatic; emotional; stressed; etc. "Of course" was my response. He told me a little bit about the situation and asked me some questions and we agreed to go through LDS services.
We were rushed into an appointment with our case worker and had an interview set up. We met for the first time and we were ready for the next phase. Our case worker informed us that the birth mother was feeling pressured to choose right now and that she wasn't sure what she wanted. So, they encouraged us to be patient and to wait. Wait until she makes her decision. Wait until she makes contact with you. Wait.
And so, we wait. I have colors picked out and ready to go. I have decor ideas for the nursery. I have cleaned and organized as much as I can. I have thought of names and wondered if she has thought of names. And yet, I don't know if she will choose us. She is due in December. Her parents gave her until December 1 to make her decision. We have nothing. Noelle has kindly offered her car seat and stroller that Emily no longer uses. She offered binkies and bottles and has promised to hold onto them until we know.
Oh how I long to know. How I wish that I could plan. I want to get excited and drive everyone crazy with the incessant talking about it. But I have to wait.
And that might kill me little by little.
(But secretly, I'm still excited!)
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
why and how
I know it's been a while since I've last written, but I haven't had anything to say that wouldn't make people wonder if I'm not just some mean crazy lady. Today is different.
Today my heart is so full! I turned 33 in the middle of September, and while I know that I'm not old, I feel really old. I should have been having babies already. Yet it continues to be my job to learn from this trial. I've had some pretty wonderful experiences with my Heavenly Father that have let me know that it is all okay. Somehow, He will make it all work for my benefit.
Even though I know all of this, there are days when it just seems so hard. I have a student this year that is fifteen. She's a sophomore. And I'm about 95% positive that she is pregnant. When I see her, my heart starts to work its way through all the emotions it feels. Sadness, worry, concern, anger, hurt, frustration, love, tenderness and jealousy.
Why? Why do some people have to start life with so many difficult decisions and so many hard trials? Why do others have to wait for years and years to have a baby to be told it isn't possible? I always come to the same answer; only God knows. And that's okay on most days. But occasionally, there are days when all I really want to know is why. I somehow think that if I knew the why it would make it easier. That may not be true, but my mind says it is.
I'm not allowed to talk to this student until she approaches me. I think that is horrible! Does she have support? Is she seeing a doctor? Is she taking vitamins? Is she okay mentally? Does the father support her? Is she alone? I can only imagine the feelings that a 15 year old would have in that situation.
So in the meantime, I find ways to love her. To show her that I am here for her. I want her to know that she can trust me. I want her to know that there are so many options out there for her. I want her to understand that she doesn't have to do this alone.
I may not know the why today, but I do know that the how is just as important. So, I just keep asking what more I can be doing to help her and how will that help the situation. And maybe one day, I'll get to be the one to experience the creation of life.
Today my heart is so full! I turned 33 in the middle of September, and while I know that I'm not old, I feel really old. I should have been having babies already. Yet it continues to be my job to learn from this trial. I've had some pretty wonderful experiences with my Heavenly Father that have let me know that it is all okay. Somehow, He will make it all work for my benefit.
Even though I know all of this, there are days when it just seems so hard. I have a student this year that is fifteen. She's a sophomore. And I'm about 95% positive that she is pregnant. When I see her, my heart starts to work its way through all the emotions it feels. Sadness, worry, concern, anger, hurt, frustration, love, tenderness and jealousy.
Why? Why do some people have to start life with so many difficult decisions and so many hard trials? Why do others have to wait for years and years to have a baby to be told it isn't possible? I always come to the same answer; only God knows. And that's okay on most days. But occasionally, there are days when all I really want to know is why. I somehow think that if I knew the why it would make it easier. That may not be true, but my mind says it is.
I'm not allowed to talk to this student until she approaches me. I think that is horrible! Does she have support? Is she seeing a doctor? Is she taking vitamins? Is she okay mentally? Does the father support her? Is she alone? I can only imagine the feelings that a 15 year old would have in that situation.
So in the meantime, I find ways to love her. To show her that I am here for her. I want her to know that she can trust me. I want her to know that there are so many options out there for her. I want her to understand that she doesn't have to do this alone.
I may not know the why today, but I do know that the how is just as important. So, I just keep asking what more I can be doing to help her and how will that help the situation. And maybe one day, I'll get to be the one to experience the creation of life.
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