too much time

Did you know that last month was my first try at an IUI?  We had multiple appointments to be ready for the day, and with each appointment I felt more and more sure that it would work.  I can't even begin to try to express how excited about it I was.  I was even excited about the three different hormone pills that I would be putting into my body because I knew that it would work. 

It didn't.

I'm once again at a point where I cry a lot.  We have started the same process all over again and I just finished the first hormone pill.  This time it was harder.  It made me so grumpy and so weepy.  I cry over the littlest thing.  Even while watching Grey's Anatomy.  Today I was working on my school plans for the coming year and so I watched a lot of TV.  That makes me more grumpy.  By the time that Cory came home, I was depressed.  Not just the "need to get out of the house" depressed, but the deep dark depression that makes me think life if hopeless.

Well, I knew I needed to buck up.  So, we grabbed the dog, the bag of cookies and headed to my sisters house.  She is gone and between siblings we are trying to help with her four kids.  So, I figured they would want cookies.  It was nice, but the heavy feeling was very persistent.  So, after a 20 minute visit, we headed to the store to visit the rest of the family.  It was an okay visit, but it didn't really  help.  

As we walked away, I couldn't keep the tears in.  I just started to cry.  My heart hurts so much.  My whole word feels so pointless.  I realized that I am needy right now.  I need attention.  I need love.  I need my family to ask how I am doing and really care enough to listen.  I need for people to stop saying things that break my heart.  I need to know that it is all going to be okay. 

Then I remember that we all have trials.  Everyone has something that is hard.  Something that they can't fix.  Something that they need help with.  And somehow, I have to try to focus on them and not so much on my problems.

I'm not okay.  I'm not going to be okay for a while.  But I am trying.  I am working at it.  And maybe one day, I'll believe myself when I say that it's all going to be okay and I won't need to hear it from other people.

Dear Sami...

I was fortunate enough to watch my nieces and nephews today.  It wasn't for very long, but when there are four of them, and you're not used to it, it makes you appreciate your siblings more.  We had fun!  We watched dragon tales, walked to the store and bought supplies for lunch, purchased some much needed tools for an art project and then we walked home.  Lunch was a success - PB&J, cheetos, strawberry/chocolate milk, and big chocolate cookies.  The art project was a blast!  The girls had fun and increased their ability to be creative.  And just when I was thinking that we were going to make it without any difficulties, Sami asked me THE question. 

There is only one question which I dread in my life right now.  It makes me feel alone and empty and completely sad.  She asked, "Tiff, when are you going to be a mother?"

All I could say is, I don't know.  Will you ask Heavenly Father for me?  Will you ask him to send me a baby?

And then the mom and dad came and we ended our time together with a promise that they could come again soon!

I sure love those kiddies!!