This last week has been extremely difficult for me. I'm not sure what happened this week that changed my mind set, but it has become increasingly difficult to see the blessings between the trials. About a month ago I had a miscarriage. This makes the second pregnancy that has been unsuccessful for me. It has been a really long year and a half, but until this week, I felt that life was good and that I was going to make it.
I do believe that being physically and mentally exhausted have increased the turmoil in my heart. It was even more difficult when a friend called and told me that yet another close friend was pregnant. Her first is about a year and a half. Sherry told me that after a visit to the temple, she knew that it was time to have another and that she was pregnant shortly thereafter.
In my heart of hearts, I know that my biggest downfall is that I am overly critical of myself. When she told me that story, I began to find all that I was doing wrong; using all of those "wrongs" to explain why I wasn't worthy to have a baby. I wondered if maybe I didn't attend the temple often enough, or maybe I wasn't in tune with the spirit enough to understand the time frame. I wondered if past mistakes had made me unworthy to bring such sweet spirits into this life. These thoughts and negative feelings have permeated my heart for the last few days.
I was given a tender mercy tonight. Through an episode of little house on the prairie. Mary had lost her little baby in the fire. Charles' best friend Jonathon had lost his wife because she was trying to save the baby. Jonathon was asking Charles why God would allow such a thing to happen. Charles didn't have an answer for him. I was mostly listening while cleaning the kitchen. I had the thought come to me that would have answered Jonathon's question.
I don't know what God has in store for us, but I do know what Jesus Christ died for.
We all have our own trials and difficulties. Every one cries and hurts and suffers. We all wish for something that we have to wait for. But we don't have to do it alone. With that message alone, I can make it one more day. Maybe an hour, sometimes a minute, at a time. But I can make it.
