some might ask...

I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I love being a member of the church.  I love reading the scriptures.  I love praying.  I love going to the temple.  I love telling people about what I believe.  I even love fasting.  You might ask what fasting is. 

Well, every month, we are asked to abstain from food or drink for a period of time.  The time period depends on the person and their physical abilities, but generally it is anywhere from two meals to an entire 24 hour period.  There are people who aren't able to abstain from food or drink and so they prayerfully decide what other sacrifice they can make to participate in their fast.

I happen to be one of those people  Fasting is really hard on my body.  So typically I fast something else.  Today was fast day.  So I decided that for three days I would fast diet coke instead of the traditional food and drink.  This is a good one for me, because sometimes I don't think I can live without my diet coke.  But I am ready and eager to do so.  Especially because it means that I can show my faith to the Lord in asking about those things that are so near and dear to my heart. 

Today I have found my inner peace again and I am so excited about it.  I started my fast today with a prayer in my heart that whatever our purpose was with the adoption process, I would be able to understand and feel comfort.  And I am so grateful to the Lord for giving me my answer.

We are supposed to adopt.  We are supposed to meet a child that is to come to our home through somebody else.  I don't who that child will be and I don't know when.  But I know there is a plan.  I know that Heavenly Father is preparing us to be ready.  And most importantly, I know that it will all work out. 

I love the church. I love the principles that we live by.  I love the peace that I feel when I am doing the will of the Lord.  I love that there is a plan.  And best of all, I love that the Lord doesn't always present the plan to us the way that we think it should go.  His way is always the best way. 

Life is Good!

when I was 15

Tonight my husband informed me that he was thinking of going to Logan this weekend.  His brothers wife just had a baby and his mom and dad are there.  He also seems pretty excited about attending a football game.  Logan is our home away from home and we both love going back whenever possible.  I was actually pretty excited to go myself.  I was even going to attend the football game (with a book in hand, of course).  Then when I mentioned the book he suggested that I could stay at my sister in law's house for the game and visit with her and his mom.  Unbeknownst to him, I curled up deeper in my blanket and sobbed.  I couldn't fathom the idea of sitting with a newborn and a proud grandma and new mother and visit on the joys of motherhood.  I simply couldn't do it. 

The day that Kallie's dad asked us if we would be willing to adopt opened up a whole new round of emotions that I thought had been subdued for a while.  I know that she is leaning toward keeping the baby at this point and I can't even imagine how hard this decision must be for her.  Yet my heart is breaking a little.  It seems that I can't stop thinking about her and where her life will lead if she does keep this baby.

I see Kallie every other day during the school week and I've come to know her as well as possible, given the circumstances.  Every day that I see her, I wish that I could tell her what was in my heart.  I wish that I could protect her from the hurt and heartache of the world.  I wish that I could help her live her life to the fullest of her potential.  But because they asked us to adopt, anything that I say could be portrayed as pressure.  So tonight, I want to write her a letter.

Dear Kallie:

I remember when I was fifteen.  I was so unsure of myself and so unsure of my future.  I went to school and hated it.  I worked for my family business and didn't feel like I had a place.  I had no idea what the future would hold, but each day I would wake up and live my life.  I was so blessed and had many friends and enjoyed the time that I spent with my family.  I was a good student; much like yourself.  And when I was fifteen, I dreamed of falling in love and getting married and having a family.  That was all I ever wanted out of life.  To be married and have children.  But for me, that was not going to happen for quite some time.

You see, my Heavenly Father had much more in store for me.  I needed an education.  When I got to college,  I realized how much I loved learning.  I didn't always excel in every class, but I enjoyed something about every class.  He also needed me to serve a mission for my church.  I believe that mission was a very large part of my education.  I needed to learn Spanish and develop a love for another culture.  I had people to meet and to teach and to love.  I had so many amazing experiences that changed my life.  When I returned home, I went back to school.  I studied Spanish and loved every minute of it.  I loved being in Logan and having the freedom to discover myself.  I learned so much about who I was and what my life would be like.  All this time I waited, mostly impatiently, for the opportunity to meet my husband and start a family.  It felt like it would never happen.  But during that time, I developed new skills and improved upon my talents.  I met amazing people and for the first time learned that I was a really good person.  Not perfect, but good.  You see, it took me a long time to figure that out.  Sometimes I still struggle with it, but deep down, I know that I am a good person.  I spent some time in Brazil and learned even more and discovered more about myself.  I met a great guy that helped me learn about even another culture in Guatemala and develop more friendships with the people I met there.  And it wasn't until my Heavenly Father knew that I was ready did he allow me to finally marry and begin a wonderfully hard journey of starting a family.

Cory and I have really learned a lot about each other through the trials that we have been given.  We are both so excited and anxious and ready to be parents.  But it seems that once again our Heavenly Father has more in store for us.  He has many things that we need to learn before we become parents.  We don't really know what they all are, but we know that when the time is right, we will have our children.

Kallie, our Heavenly Father has a plan for you.  I don't know what that plan is.  But you can know.  You can be taught and led and helped as you try to make decisions that will affect your future.  I pray for you every night.  My family prays for you.  My closest friends pray for you.  You will know the best decision to make for you and your little baby boy.  My deepest desire is for you to have all of the opportunities that life will present to you.  I want you to have a college experience and to feel the freedom that comes with finding yourself along this journey of life.  I want you to develop and increase your talents and gifts that God has given you.  I want you to soar.  I worry a lot about your decision to raise this baby boy right now in your life.  You are only 15.  You have so much to experience and to learn.  Life will be hard if you choose to raise your baby on your own.  My prayer is that you pray about this decision.  Make sure that you know what God wants you to do.  It is He, and only He, that can help you know what your destiny should be.

I hope that one day, you will find this and will know that I care for you a great deal and that my deepest desire is to help you and your baby be the best that you can be.  You will always be in my heart and in my prayers.

Con Cariño
Tiffany

how would you feel if....

So, the last few days have been a bit rough for me.  I think I've had a bit of a relapse into my depressed, angry, sad self who can't understand why I don't get to have a baby.

I even left a lovely family home evening early because I just couldn't deal with the four babies that seemed to be screaming "neener neerer".  (I know they weren't, but boy if felt like it)

I thought I was doing okay yesterday when a student of mine (a 17 year old), informed me that she was two months pregnant.  With her second child.  She kept the first one.   He's two.  It took all of my strength and ability to speak rationally and calmly with her about her decision to keep the baby and how excited she was and her concerns about how she was going to pay for everything.  Then she informed me that her foster mom was going to buy everything that she needed for the baby.  How nice!?! 

And for hours after and into the wee morning hours of today, I can only think of one word.  WHY?

Why do so many women have to struggle with infertility when they are prepared and able and willing to be mothers?  Why do so many teenage girls get pregnant and choose abortion or to keep the baby in what seems impossibly difficult circumstances?  Why?

I don't think it's my job to find the answer while on this earth; but boy are my Heavenly Father and I going to have a long talk one day about the reasons. 

In the meantime, I see my student today.  The one who may or may not choose us for adoption, and somehow I have to find a smile and a positive attitude and support her in whatever she says today. 

*sigh*

this is killing me slowly....

So, at the beginning of the month, I posted some concerns that I had for a student who I thought was pregnant.  I was constantly worried about her and wondering if she was getting the help that she needs.  I now have an update.

My husband and I decided to go to the orientation meeting for LDS Services to figure out if adoption was right for us.  This was on a Friday.  We walked away from the meeting feeling like maybe the timing of it all was wrong, but still had the initial packet just in case we changed our minds.  I was emotional and frustrated and wondered what Heavenly Father wanted us to do. 

A couple of hours passed and I received a phone call from my department head at school.  She never calls; so I was worried that I had just lost my job.  However, her friend had called her and asked her about me and wondered if we would be interested in adopting.  You see, the neighbor of said friend had a daughter that was 15 and pregnant.  Within another two hours, the 15 year old's father called and wanted to know if we were interested in adopting.  This 15 year old happens to be my student. 

We were astonished; ecstatic; emotional; stressed; etc.  "Of course" was my response.  He told me a little bit about the situation and asked me some questions and we agreed to go through LDS services. 

We were rushed into an appointment with our case worker and had an interview set up.  We met for the first time and we were ready for the next phase.  Our case worker informed us that the birth mother was feeling pressured to choose right now and that she wasn't sure what she wanted.  So, they encouraged us to be patient and to wait.  Wait until she makes her decision.  Wait until she makes contact with you.  Wait.

And so, we wait.  I have colors picked out and ready to go.  I have decor ideas for the nursery.  I have cleaned and organized as much as I can.  I have thought of names and wondered if she has thought of names.  And yet, I don't know if she will choose us.  She is due in December.  Her parents gave her until December 1 to make her decision.  We have nothing.  Noelle has kindly offered her car seat and stroller that Emily no longer uses.  She offered binkies and bottles and has promised to hold onto them until we know. 

Oh how I long to know.  How I wish that I could plan.  I want to get excited and drive everyone crazy with the incessant talking about it.  But I have to wait.

And that might kill me little by little. 

(But secretly, I'm still excited!)

why and how

I know it's been a while since I've last written, but I haven't had anything to say that wouldn't make people wonder if I'm not just some mean crazy lady.  Today is different.

Today my heart is so full!  I turned 33 in the middle of September, and while I know that I'm not old, I feel really old.  I should have been having babies already.  Yet it continues to be my job to learn from this trial.  I've had some pretty wonderful experiences with my Heavenly Father that have let me know that it is all okay.  Somehow, He will make it all work for my benefit.

Even though I know all of this, there are days when it just seems so hard.  I have a student this year that is fifteen.  She's a sophomore.  And I'm about 95% positive that she is pregnant.  When I see her, my heart starts to work its way through all the emotions it feels.  Sadness, worry, concern, anger, hurt, frustration, love, tenderness and jealousy. 


Why?  Why do some people have to start life with so many difficult decisions and so many hard trials?  Why do others have to wait for years and years to have a baby to be told it isn't possible?  I always come to the same answer; only God knows.  And that's okay on most days.  But occasionally, there are days when all I really want to know is why.  I somehow think that if I knew the why it would make it easier.  That may not be true, but my mind says it is. 

I'm not allowed to talk to this student until she approaches me.  I think that is horrible!  Does she have support?  Is she seeing a doctor?  Is she taking vitamins?  Is she okay mentally?  Does the father support her?  Is she alone?  I can only imagine the feelings that a 15 year old would have in that situation. 

So in the meantime, I find ways to love her.  To show her that I am here for her.  I want her to know that she can trust me.  I want her to know that there are so many options out there for her.  I want her to understand that she doesn't have to do this alone. 

I may not know the why today, but I do know that the how is just as important.  So, I just keep asking what more I can be doing to help her and how will that help the situation.   And maybe one day, I'll get to be the one to experience the creation of life. 

too much time

Did you know that last month was my first try at an IUI?  We had multiple appointments to be ready for the day, and with each appointment I felt more and more sure that it would work.  I can't even begin to try to express how excited about it I was.  I was even excited about the three different hormone pills that I would be putting into my body because I knew that it would work. 

It didn't.

I'm once again at a point where I cry a lot.  We have started the same process all over again and I just finished the first hormone pill.  This time it was harder.  It made me so grumpy and so weepy.  I cry over the littlest thing.  Even while watching Grey's Anatomy.  Today I was working on my school plans for the coming year and so I watched a lot of TV.  That makes me more grumpy.  By the time that Cory came home, I was depressed.  Not just the "need to get out of the house" depressed, but the deep dark depression that makes me think life if hopeless.

Well, I knew I needed to buck up.  So, we grabbed the dog, the bag of cookies and headed to my sisters house.  She is gone and between siblings we are trying to help with her four kids.  So, I figured they would want cookies.  It was nice, but the heavy feeling was very persistent.  So, after a 20 minute visit, we headed to the store to visit the rest of the family.  It was an okay visit, but it didn't really  help.  

As we walked away, I couldn't keep the tears in.  I just started to cry.  My heart hurts so much.  My whole word feels so pointless.  I realized that I am needy right now.  I need attention.  I need love.  I need my family to ask how I am doing and really care enough to listen.  I need for people to stop saying things that break my heart.  I need to know that it is all going to be okay. 

Then I remember that we all have trials.  Everyone has something that is hard.  Something that they can't fix.  Something that they need help with.  And somehow, I have to try to focus on them and not so much on my problems.

I'm not okay.  I'm not going to be okay for a while.  But I am trying.  I am working at it.  And maybe one day, I'll believe myself when I say that it's all going to be okay and I won't need to hear it from other people.

Dear Sami...

I was fortunate enough to watch my nieces and nephews today.  It wasn't for very long, but when there are four of them, and you're not used to it, it makes you appreciate your siblings more.  We had fun!  We watched dragon tales, walked to the store and bought supplies for lunch, purchased some much needed tools for an art project and then we walked home.  Lunch was a success - PB&J, cheetos, strawberry/chocolate milk, and big chocolate cookies.  The art project was a blast!  The girls had fun and increased their ability to be creative.  And just when I was thinking that we were going to make it without any difficulties, Sami asked me THE question. 

There is only one question which I dread in my life right now.  It makes me feel alone and empty and completely sad.  She asked, "Tiff, when are you going to be a mother?"

All I could say is, I don't know.  Will you ask Heavenly Father for me?  Will you ask him to send me a baby?

And then the mom and dad came and we ended our time together with a promise that they could come again soon!

I sure love those kiddies!!

welcome to...

SUMMER!

I am in my classroom for the last few hours before my summer vacation starts.  It has been a really long year and a really hard one, and a really good one.  I have never been this ready for a summer break!  You might ask what I plan on doing with my time?  Especially since I won't be in my master's program.  Well, I am so excited!

I have so many projects planned and I can't wait to begin. I have bike trails I want to take my puppy on.  I have a camping trip I want to plan.  I have movies I want to see.  Books I want to read.  Places I want to go.  You name it...I want to do it. 

Here's to a great Summer!

We can only hope....

I sure do like Mitt Romney and hope that he wins the coming elections.  Here's to good people trying to do good things.

Happy Monday!

existing for one night

Tonight I feel lonely.

I'm not alone.  I have family and friends all around me.  My husband is sitting on the couch right next to me.  Yet I feel lonely. 

We went to our garden plot today and worked on fixing the drip tubes.  There were a number of families all around us who knew each other and were visiting and laughing and having such a good time.  Not one said hi to us or came and visited with us.  Not that I shouldn't have done so myself, I was just struck with the thought that we don't have any friends in our ward or neighborhood. 

In the three years that we have been in this ward, we have yet to meet more than five people in our ward that remember that we are in their ward. 

I teach all day with high school students.  We have fun and tease and laugh but it isn't like visiting with adults.  I am the farthest possible classroom from the school and there are still teachers who don't know that I have taught at Alta High for six years. 

I'm lonely.  And tomorrow I will get over it and I will move on.  But I think for tonight I will just let the loneliness exist. 

Light

There are very few days anymore that I feel a need to write on my blog.  I think it's becuase so much of what I feel is too personal and sometimes just too hard to say.  Today is different, though.  I just finished reading my sisters blog and was so moved by her words as well as the song she shared that I just felt the need to write.

We all know that life isn't fair.  For my sister, it is harder than I can imagine to see a healthy baby or to know that her little Elimy will have more challenges in her first years of life than many do throughout their entire lives.  For my dear friend it is almost too much to watch as her sisters enjoy yet another healthy pregnancy while she longs for that chance.  For one of my students it is unfair when her mother decided to commit suicide.  Every one is touched by difficulties and sadness.  We all have heartache and tears.  But we also have one more thing in common.

Life is beautiful!  We have been given such amazing gifts from a Heavenly Father who loves us.  My sister was given a large support system of friends and family that love and adore both her and little Elimy.  She may feel lonely sometimes, but she is never alone.  I might hate going to church becuase everyone is either pregnant or has a new baby.  But I have the hope that one day that will be me.  My student, whether she knows it or not, will be with her mom again and she will know that she is loved.  

For the first time in a year and four months, I can say that life is beautiful.  It has been a really long journey, and I'm pretty sure that the tears aren't done and the heartache will still be there, but I can see light again.  That is what I love about life.  That is what I love about the song that Noelle shared.  There has always been, and there will always be, light.  

I love my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such a wonder gift.  He has given us so much and will continue to bless us. 

All we have to do is look for the light. 

recovery

On Monday, I went in for surgery.  I was excited and nervous all at the same time.  I was ready for the pain to be gone and excited for the prospects that recovery might bring.

I have taken Tuesday and Wednesday off and enjoyed the quiet relaxing time at home.  Sometimes, I cry.  Sometimes I wonder if this will really help me have a baby.  Sometimes I wonder what the future holds.  But most of the time, I just cuddle with my puppy.

And from the looks of it, he has needed to be in recovery as well.  Happy Wednesday everyone!

Life's Lesson

This last week has been extremely difficult for me.  I'm not sure what happened this week that changed my mind set, but it has become increasingly difficult to see the blessings between the trials.  About a month ago I had a miscarriage.  This makes the second pregnancy that has been unsuccessful for me.  It has been a really long year and a half, but until this week, I felt that life was good and that I was going to make it. 

I do believe that being physically and mentally exhausted have increased the turmoil in my heart.  It was even more difficult when a friend called and told me that yet another close friend was pregnant.  Her first is about a year and a half.  Sherry told me that after a visit to the temple, she knew that it was time to have another and that she was pregnant shortly thereafter.

In my heart of hearts, I know that my biggest downfall is that I am overly critical of myself.  When she told me that story, I began to find all that I was doing wrong; using all of those "wrongs" to explain why I wasn't worthy to have a baby.  I wondered if maybe I didn't attend the temple often enough, or maybe I wasn't in tune with the spirit enough to understand the time frame.  I wondered if past mistakes had made me unworthy to bring such sweet spirits into this life.  These thoughts and negative feelings have permeated my heart for the last few days. 

I was given a tender mercy tonight.  Through an episode of little house on the prairie.  Mary had lost her little baby in the fire.  Charles' best friend Jonathon had lost his wife because she was trying to save the baby.  Jonathon was asking Charles why God would allow such a thing to happen.  Charles didn't have an answer for him.  I was mostly listening while cleaning the kitchen.  I had the thought come to me that would have answered Jonathon's question.

I don't know what God has in store for us, but I do know what Jesus Christ died for. 

We all have our own trials and difficulties.  Every one cries and hurts and suffers.  We all wish for something that we have to wait for.  But we don't have to do it alone.  With that message alone, I can make it one more day.  Maybe an hour, sometimes a minute, at a time.  But I can make it. 

Pure Talent

I promise I will stop soon, but I just love this one too, and the girl is so amazingly talented!  I just couldn't resist.  Qué la disfruten!

Holy Hannah!!!!

For those of you who speak Spanish, this song is my new favorite....and the video almost made me cry (I was in class when I watched it, so I couldn't cry).  Those of you who don't speak spanish, it's still a must watch.  I promise you won't regret it!

Cory's opinion

Somehow, Cory thinks this character is like me.....

What do you think?  For real, I want some responses on this.

I for one will buy it!

Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up (Lyric Video)

Dear Family -

I don't know a faster way for you to hear this song. I thought about sending it in a text, but I guess I don't know how to do that. :)

I know that life has been hard for all of us lately and most of the time we wonder when it will end. But through all of the challenges and trials, I have been so amazed and grateful for the family that we are and will become. You have been kind and positive; selfless and charitable. And although this song is technically a love song, I do believe that it holds a great message for us as a family.

One day, the trials will end (at least the ones we have right now) and we will understand it all, but in the meantime, I love you all and will never give up on us as a family or what we are meant to do together.

xoxo

Every once in a while, I have to humble myself to the point that I admit I just simply can't do it anymore. "It" being life. It hurts too much and it just seems to heavy. This has been a really difficult week and a half. If I remember correctly, every day for my half hour commute has been spent trying to dry the tears so that I can drive. Every morning during that drive was spent pleading with my Father in Heaven to forgive me my lack of understanding and patience. All while trying to know what the spirit is trying to teach me.

There have been days that I didn't think I could go to school and put on a happy face. I just didn't have the know how or strength to cope. I have longed to sit with a sister and ball like a baby and have had to hold back. I have yearned to go to the farm and spend time with my very wise father, but even that wasn't possible. I ache to sit in grandmas house and have her tell me that all will be okay because she received that witness. Yet every day passes the same. I get up, cry, drive and cry and pray, get to me classroom and cry some more, then wipe my eyes and pretend that life is good and teach my students.

What it all boils down to is that I am broken. Sometimes, my heart literally feels like it is in a million different pieces. It hurts so bad that I feel that need to hold it in place while trying to stop the tears. Even though I am broken, I am reminded of the love my Heavenly Father has for me when I hear this song or think of the lyrics.


Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
I believe that God loves broken things

And yet our broken faith, our broken promises
Sent love to the cross
And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving

This broken soul that cries for mending
This broken heart for offering
I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name, my God loves broken things.

And with that I end with the hope that God will continue to love this broken daughter of His.

El otro día leí algo en Facebook que me hizo sentir muy triste.  Realmente, no pongo mucha importancia en las palabras, pero en el sentimiento de las palabras.  Me sentía muy triste, porque yo estoy causando a una persona sentir mal.  No lo hago con proposito, pero lo estoy haciendo.  He estado pensando mucho en esta persona últimamente y quiero mandarle un mensaje.  Tal vez nunca lo leyerá.  Tal vez nunca sabrá lo que siento o pienso.  Pero, siento que es importante escribirlo.  Por esto, escribo en español – él habla español.

He tenido a dos personas en mi vida que amé.  Uno que es de los Estado Unidos y otro que es de Latina America.  Me casé con el hombre de los estados unidos.  Y no creo que podría ser más féliz.  Es un hombre increíble.  Me ama mucho.   Me cuida.  Me escucha.  Me enamora.  Me ayuda.  Me hace reir.  No tengo duda que hice la mejor decisión casarme con él.  El otro hombre todavía está en Latina America.  Es un hombre muy especial también.  También me hizo reir.  Quería cuidarme.  Quería hacerme féliz.  Y todavía, le hace dificil entender la decision que yo tomé.

El día que leí su mensaje en facebook, me preocupaba mucho por el dolor que él siente.  No quiero causar a nadie dolor ni sufrimiento.  Lloré un poco al hablar de la situación con mi esposo.  Quería hacer algo.  Pero, lastimosamente, no hay nada que puedo hacer.  Él tiene que decidir que estar féliz es importante.  Él tiene que buscar a alguién que le va a ayudar ser muy féliz.  Él tiene que mirar hacía el futuro. 

Todavía hay días cuando extraño la vida que tenía.  Las llamadas de un país extranjero.  La oportunidad de compartir culturas.  Las amistades que siento que perdí con la decisión que tomé.  Siento una tristeza que nadie puede comprender.  Pero, él y yo sabemos porque tomé esas decisiones.   Y sé con toda mi alma que hice lo correcto. 

Un día, según mis creeencias, tendré la oportunidad de saber porque fue importante para mi conocer a este hombre de un país extranjero.  También tendré la oportunidad de  hablar con él sin sentir incomoda o sin hacerle a él sentirse incomodo.  Pero, hasta entonces, quisiera decirle que lo siento.  Lo siento por el dolor que tiene.  Lo siento que yo causé parte de este dolor.  Lo siento que no haya encontrado más felicidad. 

Siempre tendré una parte de mi corazón que es para él.  Creo que sea la manera del corazón – cuidar un espacicito para todos los que amamos.  Ojalá que un día, él puede encontrar este mensaje y puede saber cuanto lo siento.  Y cuanto quiero que él tenga mucha felicidad en su vida. 

Ojalá

One day, I hope to be able to express all that I am feeling and thinking.  Every time I come to write on my blog, I am weighed down with so much that I can't even begin to write clearly.  Maybe with time, but for now, I leave you with thoughts of a happy new year and many blessings to come.