listening to my students giggle during Tangled makes me happy

Tomorrow we are going to the farm and we are looking for Christmas trees.  This just happens to be one of the highlights of my year, every year.  This year it brings with it some new memories.  Last year at this time I realized that I wasn't going to be a mom yet.  It was a difficult time in my life.

This year, I'm still not going to be a mom yet.  The doctors are trying to help me and trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  They are ordering tests and xrays and so forth.  The xray went ok, but they found an endometriotic form near my uterus.  Which is a blessing in many ways.  It could expain why I am in pain for 12 - 13 days out of the month.  Which is why I now eat ibuprofen like it's candy.   It could also explain why those 12-13 days are spent as close to my house as possible, with no desire to do anything.  I also think it's a heartache in some ways.  It's another reason why I have not been able to get pregnant.  Why the doctor might have to perform surgery before I can have a baby.  And it makes me cry.  A lot.  Whenever I think about it.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday.  I don't like ultrasounds.  They have never given me positive results.  Then I wait until the 20th until I meet with the doctor again.  This has been a very heavy year.  A very sad and hard year.  But amazingly, it's been a year of growth and learning.  A year of looking for the positive (which is sometimes hard for me).  A year of praying more and leaning on my Savior.

Every day I go home and turn the Christmas tree lights on and curl up in a blanket and sigh a big sigh.  I made it through one more day.  I love this time of year.  I love the smells and the lights and the spirit that enters the heart.  I am really looking forward to this Christmas season!  And today, I get to help my sister put her Christmas tree up and help her to feel the joy of Christmas.  All this and I got to listen to a room full of teenagers laugh and giggle through the movie Tangled.  There are some things that are just priceless. 

on being blessed

At this time last year,  I was in the beginning stages of pregnancy; hopeful and excited and nervous and happy.  I can't believe that it has been a year since then.  So much has happened in such a short amount of time.  For many in my family, not just me. 

In that year, I have undergone surgery, chemotherapy, struggled with depression, cried enough for ten women, and have witnessed many miracles and blessings.  If we were to know beforehand what we were to experience, I don't think we would ever believe that we could handle the difficulties or the trials.  I think it would be too much for our minds to comprehend.  I think it's a blessing that we are given trials that we don't necessarily know about.  Looking back, I can't believe I survived what I went through.  And believe me, there were times when I didn't think that I would survive. 

The hardest challenge for me through all of this has been to see the positive side of things.  To really be at peace with the way things were turning out.  I still struggle with that; maybe more than I should.  I still feel that life is unfair.  I feel that I am not quite complete.  I don't feel happy much of the time.  But there are times, when I can see through all of that depression and know that I have been truly blessed.

My husband has been so kind and so patient.  He typically gets the worst of the worst.  And he still loves, cherishes and comforts me.  My family has been supportive and understanding, even when they can't understand.  My students have been a blessing because I can forget about the difficulties for the day and focus on them.  The  Savior has carried me more this last year than ever.  He has always been on my side cheering me on.  The Spirit has been there to comfort and love even when I didn't feel that I deserved that love.  My mom has let me cry and complain and has never once been impatient.  My sister Heather is much the same.  And they still love me. 

The doctors have finally decided that it's okay for me to try to have a baby again.  They have finally agreed to help me fulfill that desire.  I still don't know the outcome or the journey that I will have to take to be a mother.  But I know that in the end, it will all be what Heavenly Father has planned for me. 

I feel blessed today. 

Hero performed by Michael Israel in New York

Thanks to all those that work so hard to protect us and our country!

face to face

Have you ever just wanted to be able to talk with Heavenly Father, face to face?

I have so many questions.  Concerns.  Fears.  Aches.  Sorrows.

All I really want is for someone to tell me who I am supposed to be.

How to get there.

What I need to change.

And, can they draw a picture that represents all of that?

I'm a visual learner.

I don't do well with the unknown.

And right now, I am so tired of the unknown.

So very tired.  

And so begin the tears.

and then....

I got these.....

I sure love my husband! Thanks Cory for being the best there is! I don't think I really deserve you...I love you!

One year older...and wiser, too?

Today is my 32 birthday. 

In our church we sing a song that goes something like this...

Well, I can't seem to remember how it goes, but it includes "one year older and wiser too, happy birthday, to you"

I only hope that I am wiser too, becuase I know for sure that I am one year older.

It's been a pretty normal day so far, except for the giant cupcake that was delivered to my classroom.

Plus, I gave myself a gift.

I brought my puppy to school with me. 

Birthday's are good, and I'm happy with the results thus far.  :)

Now if only the cupcake were real.....

blue shirt boy

Today I called a kid "blue shirt boy".


My students think that I am a crazy person. 
This has been the hardest year yet for me to learn names.

Some of the more common names I have been using are....

"necklace girl", "red sweatshirt boy", "soccer girl", "football boy", and so on. 

I just don't think it's fair that they make me fill this many seats, five times, and expect me to remember their names in a month.  It just can't happen.

At least, not with my inability to remember things.  I swear, my memory just gets worse and worse. 

Maybe I'll take Jaden's advice and call everyone Shanikwa.  What do you think?

La Adictiva Banda San Jose De Mesillas - "Te Amo y Te Amo" Video Ofici...

Do you know how much my husband loves me? A lot. You see, he doesn't speak Spanish and I do. He loves to listen to musica ranchera and I don't. (that's a style of Latin American music, if you didn't know).

Sometimes, when he is driving around for his job, he does that a lot, he listens to musica ranchera. And he absolutely loves this song. So the other day, he asked me, "what does te amo mean?" I said, "it means I love you". So he started to sing the chorus to me. But that is all that he knew from the words. He could mimic the rest, but he only knew the words "te amo"

So, I started to look on my phone for one such song, and couldn't find it.

Then, tonight, he started looking for it, without any encouragement on my part. He found the song and yelled from the living room, "this song is dedicated to you".

It was the first time that I had heard it and I loved it. For those of you who don't speak Spanish, it is simply put, a very sappy love song with a fun tune.

I just wanted to share with you what my husband shared with me. I sure love the guy!

Laura Story - Blessings

Sometimes, in the morning, I have to listen to this song about 20 times in order to feel like I can do one more day. Today life is heavy...So, the listening has started.

I hope you all have a wonderfully happy Friday!

sympathy tears

My dear sister Noelle is having a hard time.   She just gave birth to a beautiful little Angel named Emily.  Little Emily came with some unique struggles of her own.  At week one, she had to undergo heart surgery.  Week two, she had to learn how to drink from a bottle so that the parents could take her home.  And she had to find time in all of that to grow and develop and learn and survive this big, new, scary world.

Noelle is like any mother...she wants only the best for her little one and she wants all the world to love her little one.  Noelle is recovering from surgery and she is struggling with post pardum depression.  She is trying to figure out how to work and be so tired she can't think straight.  She is trying to understand her emotions and get them back to they was she remembers they are supposed to be.  She is trying to learn the ropes of being a mom, while not stressing about bills and insurance and work.   And really, she just needs sleep. 

I am not a mother.  I don't know what the emotions are that a mother feels.  I can't find the right words to say to Noelle.  Yet, I can tell her that the emotions will level out.  The pain will go away;  physically and emotionally and spiritually.  The routine will begin to make sense.  The prayers are heard and will be answered.  And the little one that she loves so much will be loved and cherised by all, because she is just what I said, an angel. 

This one is special and she has a mission in this life.  We don't know what that mission is, but it's a miraculous one.  I  look forward to watching as mom and daughter grow together and work at becoming what they are meant to become.   I sure love them both!


And Noelle -
please have jason bring me your laundry and I will do it!  I'll iron and fold and clean as much as you want!

Today was good; tonight was difficult. 

That was the opening line in my journal tonight.  And as I wrote, I just cried.  And then I thought of the one place on earth where I always found peace and the one person who could always talk me out of a funk. 

That place is dear to my heart, and yet it holds some good memories and some bad.  I've written about "the farm" before.  Tonight, I long to go on a drive with my dad and head to the farm.  I long to tell him about my future plans and my dreams and the path I need to take to get there.  I long to help him build his dream barn and talk till I'm blue in the face.

You see, dad was just so good at letting me talk.  I could ask questions about anything and he would answer; sometimes we would discuss religion, sometimes politics, sometimes school, sometimes history.  But it didn't matter.  I could talk.  And I would magically forget all the hard things and I would leave the farm happier than when I got there.

I miss those days.  And tonight, how I wish that I could be there....

Sweet Girl

Cory came home the other day and told me that he loved me.

I asked him why. (just for fun)

He smiled and said, "because you're my sweet girl"

I can go on that for weeks. I love my husband!

June 4

Did you know that I told you I would write a post about my anniversary. Now that it has been 16 days since, I am posting. ;)

First, I just want Cory to know how much I love him. He has been the best husband and the kindest husband. The sweetest, gentlest, bestest husband that a girl could ever ask for. He has been so gentle with me through this whole molar pregnancy process and I am so blessed. He cooks most nights, he empties half the dishwasher all the time, he does laundry when it needs to be done, and he never complains when I cry. It can't get any better than that.

Cory bought me some beautiful roses that morning and wrote me the sweetest card. He really thought of all the details and was so attentive all day.

We spent the day driving to Manti, to go through a session in the temple where we were married. In my mind, there was no better way to spend our day than in the place were it all happened. We sat in the temple and just felt the spirit and remembered that happy day. It made me love him even more.

It may not have been the most exciting anniversary ever, but it was certainly the best. And it ended with a small slice of our wedding cake we had frozen the day of our wedding. It was perfect!

I love you, Cory!

emothional but grateful...

This morning I am full of emotions. I can't help but wonder where they are coming from, but then I remember that I am a girl...it doesn't matter. They just come.

My mind has been on my sister, Noelle, a lot lately. She has had such a difficult pregnancy and has really struggled to find peace, I think. Her little Emily has some heart problems and the emotional roller coaster that she is on is oh so scary. I can't even comprehend the heartache that she feels for her little one and the desire to fix it. All I know is that I pray for her daily and often times multiple times throughout the day. I don't think she likes me a whole lot right now, I'm not sure how to fix it, but I know that I sure love her. And I know that she will be a great mom and I can't wait for the Lord to fix this one and allow her little Emily to grow and develop and live a strong happy life.

I watched a movie last night about a boy that had cancer. I shouldn't have. I don't think that I was emotionally ready for that. I bawled. And bawled. I didn't have the difficulties that so many have, but I know how hard chemo is and I know that it is scary. It brought back so many emotions that I have lived the last 8 months. Fear, hurt, pain, sadness, joy, loneliness, and even frustration. But it was such a sweet, tender movie and it made me realize that God is in charge and becuase of that, all is right in my world.

A girl from my masters program announced yesterday that she was three months pregnant. This was a shock to me, becuase just a few months ago, she was stating how she didn't want to be a mom and that she wasn't planning on having kids for years and that I was crazy for wanting to be pregnant. Oh how it frustrated me that she is now pregnant and I am not. I know that I shouldn't look at it that way, but I'm not perfect. I also know that my turn will come...when the time is right. But boy how I wish that was now.

Today is my last day of teaching for the year. I am more excited than you could possibly know...unless you're a teacher. I can't wait for the high school kids to be gone and to not have to think about them or see them for two and half months. SIGH! That sounds so peaceful. And crazy enough, I am looking forward to another year. To next year. Already. I'm nuts!

Life is good. I am so blessed! I have an amazing husband! We just celebrated our first wedding anniversary on the 4th (post to come) and I just love him so very much! I'm happy and healthy and looking forward to the next new adventure to present itself.

Morning Musings

I always have so much on my mind in the morning. Sometimes it's about family, sometimes school, sometimes church, and often about what I need to be doing to be a better person. I have more emotional experiences in the morning than at any other part of the day. I love being awake in the quiet and I love just listening to the Spirit in that quiet time.

Today, I have so many thoughts going through my mind. First, I don't have to visit with the doctor for another month. I am so very grateful for that. I feel like I am making progress. And with that progress comes the desire to try to get pregnant again. I know logically that I need to wait a few months, and will. However, I still want to have a baby. I just keep praying that Heavenly Father will let me know when the time is right.

I also think incessantly about my blasted thesis. I have to get it done and it is dragging. I feel so inadequate when it comes to writing. I don't have the same gifts as some of my family members for writing and it's harder for me to put down in writing all that is in my mind. But, I will get it done. This week. That's my goal.

My weight has really been bothering me. For so long I have been focusing on surviving chemo and doctors visits and such and I haven't really worried about it. But now that I feel so much better physically, I am concerned about the weight that I have put on and really want to deal with it. I keep thinking that this summer will be the time for me to really focus on myself. I look forward to going for long walks with my puppy and enjoying the sun.

School needs to just end. This is silly that we are in school for so long. Teachers don't get out until the 8th of June and that seems like forever away. At least we have rainy weather to keep the kids from climbing the walls and going crazy from being in the classroom. Yay for summer!

And now thoughts of my paper resurface and I think I better go work on it. :)

Happy Thursday All!

Tender Mercies

I feel like I have been so blessed and so watched over. The last visit to the doctors was a good one. After the previous visit, which was positive, but still with chemo, it was amazing for him to tell me that my numbers were like .47 or something like that. And unless they decided to go back up, I would be done with chemo! There are some of you who might know what I am feeling, but for the most part, no one really knows how happy that makes me.

It has been three weeks since my last chemo and I feel better today than I have felt in seven months. I feel like myself again and for that I am eternally grateful. The Lord has been so good to me and has made my life so rich and full. And I am just so glad that I don't have to be sick and that I can now work on staying healthy.

As for having kids in the future - as soon as they give me the go ahead, I will try again. I've had two opinions from two specialists. One (who deals with this on a daily basis) says to wait about three months. The other (I'm only his second patient with this problem) says to wait about a year. I told him that I would be going with what the other specialist said. So long as my body remains healthy and strong.

I just want to say thanks to all of you for your love an support. It's mostly family that reads this silly thing and they have been so very good to me. I love you all and look forward to future happy news. :)

xoxo

I Would Die For That

A dear friend of mine, though she may not know this, has touched my heart deeply throughout this process of mine. She is trying to have kids and is going through the long, grueling process of in-vitro, and I admire her strength and faith. Today, as I was reading her blog, I was deeply touched by the music video that she had posted. I know that there are millions of women who have more serious concerns and problems than I do, but this song touched a spot in my heart today.

I look forward to being a mother and I hope that one day, my dream will come true. That I can hear the words, "I love you mom".

Are we having fun yet?

Blood test on Wednesday.

Met with doctor on Thursday -
he says that my levels aren't doing what he wants them to do. They only went from 91 to 85. And he was not at all thrilled with that.
so I need more treatments.

Went to school on Friday, and then off to my chemo treatments. This drug is call Dactinomycin. They pumped me full on anti nausea medicine before giving me the treatment and then put me on a regime of anti nausea pills every six to eight hours.

The symptoms are a bit different but not entirely. I am not too nauseous yet, but if I don't eat or don't take the medicine, I get sick. I have flu like symptoms, that leave me achy and sore all over. It caused another migraine, but just a little head-achy once I got rid of the migraine. The weirdest is the menopausal symptoms. I woke up last night every couple of hours dripping in sweat. Using my sheets to wipe it all off trying to stay dry. Kind a gross so I made sure to clean my sheets today.

I only do this every other week and I right now I am only scheduled for one more treatment. However, the doctor did say that this may take a few months and that my numbers will go down slower than I imagine. So, Heavenly Father is teaching me patience and that is probably a good thing for me. :)

Thanks for all of the kind words and the love and support. I am truly grateful for all that I have been blessed with and all that I am learning. This has truly been important for me to experience. I sure do love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. They have been so good to me!

Yet another update -

So I went to yet another doctor's appointment yesterday. I was full of mixed emotions. What were my levels? was the main question on my mind. Deep deep down, I felt that I was still not done with this whole process and that I would be waiting a while longer for the good news.

Well, when I started the process of chemo with this doctor, about a month or so ago, my levels were at 1700 ish. Then I did my first round of chemo and they went down to 295! Yay for the big drop. That day we started the second round of chemo and yesterday was the day I found out they were only down to 98. Now, the doctor did say that I have not yet failed this chemo. We are going to give it another week and see what my numbers do. If they go up, or if they don't go down enough (I don't know what that means), then we start the next round of chemo.

But the next round isn't just the same chemo. This one is called actinomycin. Stronger stuff, usually given intravenously. I don't know much about it, other than the fact that I might lose my hair. However, it really isn't a sure thing that I have to do this and so we can always hope that next week something will have happened with my numbers and I will be safe from more chemo. I guess we'll just have to see.

Most of the time I am ok with all of this. I feel at peace and comforted knowing that my Heavenly Father is in charge. There are moments when my emotions just get all out of control and I can't stop the tears. And there are oh so many things that trigger the tears. I feel so much for my poor husband. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me enough to put up with my tears and my ornery-ness. And I wonder if he thinks he should just walk away. Now, Cory has never said anything negative or mean. He has only ever showed love and kindness and patience. I just sense his frustration with my tears, my ornery side, and the lack of energy to do anything. I just want him to be happy. I hope he is.

Today, I am just going to do my thing. Teach my students, and then go home and do all of the laundry that I can and then clean the house the best that I can and then watch Betty la fea, cause I can. :)

new beginnings

After a much needed break from the blogging world, I decided that I missed writing about my life. Mostly, I missed the emotional release that it was for me.

Life has been exciting, to say the least. I just finished my second round of chemotherapy for the treatment of my molar pregnancy. It just about did me in this time. I was in constant pain, due to one of the side affects. I was nauseated and couldn't eat much of the time and I was getting more and more migraines. My emotions have been wacked and I feel like more poor husband has gotten the rotten end of the deal when it comes to wives. I do have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday to go over the results of this last round and if we are lucky, then it will be our last. I guess we will see what happens.

As I have gone through all of this, I have realized that there are so many things that I miss in my life. Most of all I miss having the energy to do things. Exercise, go to the movies, write my thesis, help my family at the nursery, etc. I am looking forward to having the strength and the desire to accomplish all of those things.

Most of all, I think I miss the temple the most. I feel like I have missed out on that blessing for ages now. I long to sit in the Celestial room and ponder all that my Heavenly Father has given me to experience these last few months. My goal is to go to the temple this week and to really enjoy the Spirit that I have missed.

Thanks to all who are so supportive and strong for me during this trial in life. Thanks for the love and the friendships. Especially to my family. Mom and the sisters. All of them have been there for me at different times when I didn't think that I was going to make it through. I love you all!

xoxo
Tiff

Pity Party

Tonight I am having a pity party. I don't really know why I'm crying and such. Could be that I don't feel well. Could be that I'm exhausted. But I think it's not that.

My sister finds out whether she is having a boy or a girl tomorrow. I think I'm crying because I would already know what I would be having. But I guess it just isn't my turn. I want to be a mom. But there are so many women that want to be mothers, and I guess we just have to wait our turn.

But I'm still just going to cry.

Blessings and little old ladies

Today was day three of shots. I go in every day for eight days. Now just five more to go. If this doesn't work, I will then be given the stronger chemo. I feel yucky! I am nauseous and tired and for sure won't lose my hair with this treatment.

Today when I met the nurse at 8, there were about five other people there. I sat next to a lady that looked older than she was. We talked briefly about what I was there for and then I asked her what she was there for. She found out a couple of years ago that she had had cancer for eight years. The doctors were simply giving her more time. My heart ached for her.

At that moment, I felt very grateful that I didn't have cancer yet. That the doctors were fighting with me so that this didn't spread and turn cancerous. Heavenly Father has been so good to me and each day I need to thank Him for all that He has blessed me with and all that I am learning.

Thanks to all of you for your support and your love. I am very humbled to know that I have such dear friends and loving family.

xoxo

Hair

I am meeting with a cancer specialist on Monday.

I'm not really nervous so much anymore as ready for some answers and ready to be done with this whole mess.

But, I am, by nature, a worrier. I tend to worry about things I don't really have any control over and it drives people crazy!

Today, I am worried about losing my hair. I have spent a long time growing my hair and I can say it's about the only thing physically that I like about myself.

This chemo I have to do might make that fall out. I don't know how I feel about that

But I guess if it takes care of the cancer spreading, than ok.

YIKES! I feel like I am too little to handle things like this.

Day 9

My favorite blogs are.....

the anticipation is killing you, I know!

I'm getting there, I promise.

Actually, all the blogs on my favorites list are my favorites. But there are three that I read every day.

#1 http://plattbabysister.blogspot.com La Esquina de la Estrellita
-there is no one that makes me laugh harder than Manda Lou, my baby sister. I love her!

#2 http://noelleplatt.blogspot.com Because Nice Matters
-this sister doesn't need me to read her blog, cause she has so many other readers. But I do love knowing what is happening in her world and she writes so beautifully that I just can't help myself.

#3 http://mrthompsonandme.blogspot.com Viva la Vida!
- this blog inspires me! She helps me keep my life in perspective and to know that life is amazing!

Day 8

Did you know that I don't like getting my picture taken? I am far too critical of myself and end up hating them all. But I don't mind these two, so I can share them. The first one is the most recent, from this last fall and the second one is an engagement picture from spring last year.

not on the list

Today I just need to write.

I had more blood work done. I went to the hospital today with high hopes. A week and a half ago I was at 620 something. I was hoping that they had gone down by half. I prayed. I put it in the Lord's hands. And I waited the three hours before calling for the results.

They went up again. 820 something, I think. I don't really remember. All I know is that I was shocked. What was going on? Again, the questions came to mind that always do...is it spreading? am I pregnant? what is going on? what is the doctor going to say?

After talking with my mom, we decided to call a different doctor and get his opinion. I talked with the nurse, told her the whole story and waited for her to call me. After only 15 minutes, she called and told me that it was out of the dr's hands and that I would need to see a specialist.

He's an OBGYN Oncologist. And the nurse says that he will take good care of me. I'm supposed to call them tomorrow. Apparently, I'm a high risk patient at this point.

I'm scared. I'm numb. I'm devastated. I'm sad.

Please keep me in your prayers. Maybe that's selfish, but I need prayers.

Day 7

I'm not a big youtube fan, but occasionally, there are videos that make me laugh so hard I cry. I've shown this one before, but it's been a while. I love it. Everytime I see it, I laugh. Hope you enjoy!

Day 5

Dear Crush -

The first time I saw you was the day that my roommate bought a TV that was too large for us to move into the apartment. You decided to help her and you carried it into the living room without any help. I thought you were so nice.

You lived in #8 and I lived in #3 (I think). We went to the same ward. We went to the same gym, often at the same time. (hm mm, coincidence?) We weren't in the same FHE group, and we were most definitely not anything alike.

We were OK friends. I was sure you had a crush on one of the roommates. It seemed you were always at our house. College was so fun, wasn't it? I loved the carefree feeling and the crazy adventures.

Then there was that night you stole my seat during the movie we were all watching. I wasn't impressed. I sat down next to you, and decided that it was you who had to move. If you'll remember, it was one of those chairs that you have to really like the person to sit next to them. You stayed. I stayed. You held my hand. You played with my hair. You stayed until WAY too late.

Then there was that night that you kissed me for the first time. I felt so excited and so scared at the same time. You see, if you remember right, you were a player. You didn't really want to be my boyfriend. You just wanted a kiss.

After a really long time like this, I realized you weren't ever going to change. I moved to Brasil. I needed time away and time to heal. I needed to be with my parents. I was there three months. What you don't know is that I thought of you every minute of every day. I was hooked. I even listened to a song that you think is dumb, but that reminds me of you every time I hear it. "If your not the one, then why does my hand fit yours, this way." Over and over I listened to that song. I even smelled the bottle of cologne that you gave me for my birthday. I was ridiculous!

I moved home and thought I was done with you. Then I went back to college and you were still there. I tried to avoid you. I failed. Then one day, at your new apartment, I told you that I could never see you again and I walked out.

And I never saw you again....until five years later. When I ended another engagement and a week later you looked me up on facebook.

And dear husband, I just want to say that I still love you the way I did in college and more. Can I just say that you are the best crush a girl could ask for! You make me smile and you make me happy and you are kind and patient and fortunately, you are no longer a player. :)

I love you!
xoxo

Day 4

Ok, so I have very few pictures of myself that are actually scanned and on my computer. So, the ones that I have of me more than ten years ago are of when I was quite young.

This first one is taken in the backyard where I grew up, which is every little kids dream yard. And dad was the photographer. It was a slide at one point, so the quality isn't that great.



This next one, I am to the far left of the picture. You really do have to love the styles. We were having so much fun, but for the life of me, I can't remember what we were doing. :)



And finally, the most recent of me, but still just ten years ago, was on my mission. This is the typical dress of Panama and I had it made for me and then participated in their national dance for a talent show one night at the church. I was just leaving the mission a few short weeks later.

Day 3

There are many movies that I could choose from, but this movie is my life. I absolutely love it! The song even has significance for me! Enjoy!

Day 2

Well, here goes...don't be blown away too far with how utterly exciting my life is.. :)

7:00 - checked email
7:35 - got on facebook
7:36 - kissed Cory goodbye
7:40 - hid Micky's toys so I could write my paper
7:45 - brushed my teeth and cleaned the bathroom counter at the same time.
7:50 - got in the shower with Cory's ipod playing in the background (this doesn't happen too much cause I get up too early to play it.)
8:00 - got dressed
8:01 - updated my checklist
8:03 - combed my hair
8:10 - ate breakfast
8:05 - 8:45 watched parenthood
9:00 - opened thesis on the laptop and re-read to find where I left off
9:28 - stopped after writing a page and wondered if any of this made sense
10:45 - still writing but almost done with the first section of four for my lit review
10:55 - finished my first section and began reading article for the second section
11:33 - finished reading article and falling asleep so...\
11:34 - took a break and watched Betty la fea and ate lunch.
12:05 - cleaned kitchen and did the dishes while watching betty la fea
12:35 - started making cookies
12:40 - walked to Macey's cause I didn't have any brown sugar
12:55 - came home and finished making cookies. (just the dough, not the baking)
1:30 - started writing second section of lit review.
3:00 - kissed husband hello after working all day
3:45 - finished second section of thesis
4:30 - ate cookie dough and drove to the nursery to have family read the thesis
5:00 - looked at Jared's new inventory for his new store! So exciting!
5:30 - asked husband to make reservations at the rodizio grill
6:00 - 7:00 - ate meat, chicken, pineapple, veggies, meat, chicken, cheese bread, meat, cheese bread, and of course more cheese bread. MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm!
7:30 - started writing blog
8:00 - begin reading for third section of the thesis.


Told you...you are so amazed at how exciting my life is, huh? School days are a bit more exciting! Have a good night all!

xoxo

Day 1

Good morning -

My full name is Tiffany Beatrice Platt Worwood. I was born on September 14, 1979, which makes me 31 years old. I am the sixth of seven children and the only red head of all my siblings. I have been married for just 8 months and I love being a wife. My husband and I met years ago in college and were friends for two years or so, then reconnected by facebook. I never thought that would happen. I grew up in Pleasant Grove/Lindon and I still currently live in Pleasant Grove with my husband and my dog.

I graduated from high school in 97 and attended UVSC (a long time ago). After my associates, I transferred to Logan where I fell in love with Cashe Valley! I could live there and be perfectly content with life. During my years at USU, I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Panama. Panama will always be my home away from home, I think. I still dream of being able to go back. Upon returning home, I went back to school at USU and graduated with my bachelors in Spanish and a minor in Photography.

My parents were called to serve as mission presidents in Brasil and after graduating, I was lucky enough to be able to spend 3 months with them. It was a beautiful three months, and there are days when I long to be able to go back to that time. I came home from Brasil and decided to go back to school. Once again I found myself at USU, but this time I was studying Secondary Education and ESL. I graduated a year and half later with my second bachelors and my second minor. And promptly began teaching.

I have been teaching at Alta High School now for five years. I think for me teaching is a love/hate relationship. I love working with the kids, but hate their attitudes. I love getting home at 3:30, but hate getting up at 5:00. I love summers off, but I hate that I don't get paid so well. Teaching is probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but the most rewarding. I love feeling like I am doing something for someone else everyday of my life. And every once in a while, I love knowing that I connected with someone and made the difference for them. I don't know that I want to teach the rest of my life, but for now, I am enjoying it.

Just last summer I decided to start my masters program. I am currently back at UVU and if this doesn't kill me, it will make me a better teacher. I love being in school! I love learning and pushing myself to do better. I love feeling like I am improving my teaching skills. I have been working very hard on the first three chapters of my thesis and if everything goes well, I will defend my proposal in the next couple of weeks.

While doing all of this, I found out two months ago that I was experiencing a molar pregnancy. I am waiting for my HCG levels to hit the negative numbers, so that I can stop going to the hospital for blood tests and hopefully not have any more low dose chemo shots. This has also been a huge trial for me. I have learned so much and continue to dream of the day when I can have kids.

The older I get the less social I become. I prefer staying at home and working on projects or reading a book. I love to read and sew and create. I also love to play with my puppy that isn't really a puppy anymore. Except that he still has the energy of a puppy. And I love to watch Betty la Fea; both the Mexican version and the Colombian version.

I love music and play the piano. I don't currently have a piano and would love to find one that needs a home, but for now, I listen to a lot of piano music and look forward to when I can play everyday. I also really enjoy going to plays. I don't so much like opera, unless I am very familiar with the story, like Phantom of the Opera, Les Mis, or even The Lion King. But I especially love going to local play houses like the Hale Center Theater with my husband and enjoying a home town play.

As mentioned previously, I am a member of the LDS Church and am so happy for that. I love the Church. I love knowing that there is a purpose and a reason for all that we are experiencing here on earth. I love knowing that we have a prophet that leads and guides us. I love knowing that my Savior loves me and that He watches over me. I love the Book of Mormon and reading about the lives of those that lived during that time. I know it's true!

All in all, I am a happy person, who is very dramatic and very emotional. I cry at the drop of a pin, get riled up over silly things and love to be with family. I hope that you can get to know me better as I share my life over the next few posts.

xoxo

coming soon to a blog near you...

Ok, so a friend posted this on her blog and she stole it from a friend that posted on a different blog. So, I am going to steal it, also. Maybe this will give me more exciting things to discuss. I'll do my best to do one a day, but it might be one every few days. It'll be fun!!


Day 1: Introduce Yourself
Day 2: A Bulleted List of Everything that happened in your day
Day 3: Your favorite movie
Day 4: A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 5: A letter to your crush
Day 6: A list of what you ate today
Day 7: A youtube video that you find funny
Day 8: A photo of you taken recently
Day 9: List some of your favorite blogs
Day 10: A letter to a person who has caused you pain
Day 11: Share your favorite recipe(s)
Day 12: Self portrait
Day 13: Freestyle
Day 14: A song from your childhood
Day 15: A letter to someone you wish you could meet
Day 16: Provide pictures of five celebrity crushes
Day 17: A photo that makes you sad
Day 18: Set or share a goal
Day 19: Freestyle
Day 20: A letter to someone who changed your life
Day 21: Your favorite television program
Day 22: A photo that makes you happy
Day 23: Share one of your favorite tunes
Day 24: Face morphing
Day 25: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 26: Favorite Books
Day 27: A talent of yours
Day 28: Favorite places to shop
Day 29: Your favorite color
Day 30: The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 31: More freestyle
Day 32: A photo you took
Day 33: What you're craving right now
Day 34: Your favorite quote
Day 35: A letter to an ex
Day 36: Some hobbies of yours
Day 37: A song that you like to dance to
Day 38: A photo of your parents
Day 39: Zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality
Day 40: A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 41: Funky Freestyle
Day 42: A bad habit you have
Day 43: A picture of your favorite place in the world
Day 44: Something that fascinates you and why
Day 45: A letter to yourself a year ago
Day 46: Photos of personal things in your life (pets, family, houses, etc...)
Day 47: Birthday wish list
Day 48: A photo of you right now
Day 49: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 50: A letter to your reflection in the mirror

an escape -

Have you ever said something that you shouldn't have? And looking back, you realize that you were acting like a child? You know that you only said what you were saying because you were hurting and you wanted to fix that hurt. So you tried to say something that would make it better, but it didn't. It only made the other person feel worse.

Every day I wake up and think that today the hurt will be gone. I pray hard and seek forgiveness. I pray for the spirit to be in my life. And then I pray that I will not hurt and that I can just be happy.

When I was younger, I could go anywhere with my dad. We would go to the Farm, Milbourn, or Fairview. It didn't matter. I just wanted to go with him. It was always so nice to just talk to him and work with him and realize that life was not that difficult. I haven't been able to do that for a long time and sometimes I just want to take a day off and go with him somewhere.

The most peaceful or healing of all those places was Brasil. There was one night that dad sat me down in their beautiful, immense home and talked to me about my past and concerns and hurts and let me know that he loved me and that I needed to move on. When I was done with traveling and being cooped up in the car, he knew and would stop and let me take some pictures. I loved Brasil. I healed from so many hurts there. And today, I wish more than anything that I could go with dad on a drive and be in Brasil without the worries and heartache of the day.

I'm sorry for saying things I shouldn't and for acting like a child sometimes. I hope that one day I can let go of this hurt and that it won't feel like my chest is going to cave in whenever I see a pregnant woman or talk about babies. Until that happens, I'll try to remember my peaceful place and hopefully soon will be healed from this hurt as well.

The other day my husband and I were on our way to costco. We stopped and checked the mail, which I don't do very often, and there was a card. I wondered what it was, but when I looked at the address I just smiled. It was from my mother. I live in Pleasant Grove and she lives in Lindon. I see her almost every day. I talk to her every day. And she loves me enough to send me a card.

This was the sweetest card! Most importantly, she let me know that she was there for me. She knew that I would make it through all of this and that I was strong enough for this trial. She reminded me that we don't have trials that we can't handle. And then she made me cry. She said something like, "we'll go forward with faith".

She said we. I know that I have my mom on my side. I know that she loves me and that she will always listen and be there to support me. Just like she always has. Not all of you know my mom, but she is the most selfless, kind, innocent person that I know. She has always given whatever she had for her family. I love her more than life itself. I want her to know that. I want her to know that I am so blessed to be her daughter. I want her to know that she is my support.

Thanks mom! Thanks for all that you do! I love you!

xoxo
Tiff

Christofori's Dream

Right now I am listening to my favorite song by David Lanz, Christofori's Dream. It takes me to a quiet, special kind of place. A place where there is no hurt, sorrow or sadness. A place that is warm but not hot. A place where there is ocean to look at. A place of serenity.

Today I need that place. I want to be anywhere but here. I want to forget the trials of life and just relish in peace, if only for a few days.

My heart is broken today. I don't know all the why's or how's. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to change. I just know that I am hurting.

I feel alone. Have you ever felt that way. I know that I have family and a husband that love me. And yet I am alone.

So, I am going to cry for just a few minutes, then get ready for the onslaught of students that will walk through my door in a little less than an hour. Best get ready for them.

update...a few days late

Hey all, just wanted to give you a quick update. You have all been so good and kind and supportive. Thanks!

The results came back and as we suspected, I wasn't pregnant. That is a good thing, although I really wish I was and this whole thing would go away. :) So, Monday they called and told me the news and informed me that I would need to go directly to the hospital after school for the Chemo shots. They are a very low dose chemo and we are hoping that there won't be many of them.

They gave me two, one in each hip and can I just say YUCK! They hurt so bad! I felt like a big baby. Then next Monday I get more blood work done to check my HCG levels. IF they are in the negatives, then I won't have to do more chemo shots, unless they go back up again. IF they aren't a negative, then I will have to do more shots until they are down to a negative. As soon as the numbers stay in the negative and they don't rise for a few weeks, then I am in the clear. (I think). Doctors have a way of finding other reasons to see patients.

I wasn't in a good place Monday and most of Tuesday. I was angry and hurting and lightheaded and dizzy. This medication plays with my head and the whole world feels like it's going to tip over at any minute. But I gave it a few days and now feel comfortable with the situation. I know that God is in charge and I trust Him.

Thanks to all of you for your love and support!

xoxo
Tiffany

well maybe not yet....

I know that I said that I was going to end this whole blogging thing, but I thought there are some of you our there that might want an update on my health issues. There are probably some who don't, but that's the beauty of a blog; you don't have to read. :)

I had my weekly blood test at the hospital on Monday. They now know who I am. Isn't that fun? The nurses at the hospital know to expect me and I just wonder if that is a good thing. At least they are all very nice and they want me to get better. That being said, I told them to draw the blood that would come back in the negative numbers so that I wouldn't have to come back. They smiled and said "Okay". But we all know what that means. "Whatever", "Like we can control it". So, I prayed really hard that it would be a negative number.

I had great faith that it would be perfect! I was ready to move on with my life and so I waited patiently to talk with the other nurses on Tuesday, the ones that would tell me the results. She asked how I was and I couldn't respond. I didn't know how I was. :) I wanted the results before I told her how I was. Well....

They went up. Yep. The HCG level in my blood stream increased. That is bad. So, they wanted to start me immediately on the new medications that I would need. This is a type of chemotherapy medication. It doesn't make my hair fall out though, and I'm happy for that. However, as she was talking, I had a thought and it worried me. Could it mean that I was pregnant again? I didn't know. So I asked her. We talked about my cycle and other such things that nurses and patients talk about and she said she would talk to the doctor and get back to me.

So, I could be pregnant. It is HIGHLY unlikely. That means that I had to make a decision. Start the medication immediately, which would abort the pregnancy if there was one. Or, do more blood work and see if that came back higher, which could indicate a pregnancy, do an ultrasound and then, if not pregnant, start the medication. I just wasn't comfortable starting a medication that could abort a baby, if there was any possibility that I was pregnant. Which means that today after school, I go back to the lovely hospital, to the nurse with the purple gloves and get more blood drawn. Downside is that I won't know any results until Monday.

I have such mixed emotions about this. I would love to be pregnant, but is that really healthy for me right now? Will it all work out if I am pregnant? And yet, once again, I have to rely on my Heavenly Father. If I am pregnant, than I believe it is His way of telling me that He is in charge, not me. Because it would have to be a miracle if I were pregnant. A very large one. I don't think that I am. It just doesn't make sense to me. So, more than likely come Monday, I will be scheduled for my first injection of the chemotherapy medication.

And with that said, maybe until this whole thing is done, I'll keep the blog so you can all read about my exciting drama and I won't have to tell it verbally. :)

Thanks friends!

The End...

I just wanted you to all know that this has been fun and exciting being a part of the blog world. But...I'm done.

I have so much that I wish to say in my blogs, but find that I don't have the right words or the ability to share my thoughts and emotions. So, I'm going to stick with my little black journal that doesn't understand my grammatical errors or my lack of vocabulary.

Thanks all for a fun ride and I'll keep up to date on your blogs. If you are interested in staying in touch, you all know my email and if you don't, then you'll have to send me yours.

Happy Blogging!