Did Mom write this?

Merry Christmas you filthy whores.

Shhhh! Don't tell! This is what I got Jenny for Christmas!

Can we all stop looking at the dead elk now?

Hasifa's Done Gone Militia On Us!

No explanation necessary. The pictures say it all.


James killed this:

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I'm writing to ask you to consider the following Christmas wish lists of my children. We're a fairly conservative family. We see our role in our children's lives as stewards entrusted with helping them to develop into who they were created to be. We try and engage in meaningful relationships with them at whatever stage of development they are. We take an interest in their interests and let them know that what's important to them is important to us. We have intentionally limited their viewing of commercial-laden television until recently when the cable company somehow turned our 20 basic channels into 60 channels. I state this only as an explanation and confession of negligence on our part after you read the following lists. I am officially unable to connect with my children anymore and apologize for the following:

Nick, almost 5 years old, verbally state that he would like a Hotwheels Trick-Track, Legos and a Nintendo DS.

Kendall, 7 1/2, wrote out her list in a penciled, numbered list and would like WowWee Cubs, Jungl (sic) in my Pocket, Puppy in my Pocket, Pony in my Pocket, Rock Band, Caring Care, Biskit (sic)Fur Real Friend, S'mores Fur Reals Friend, Girl Gormay (sic, read gourmet)Cupcake Maker, Glitter Lava, Nintendo DS, Zwinky Cutys.

Natalie, 10 1/2, added to her Amazon Wish List and would like a Nintendo DS, Sigillu Secure Encrypted Phone: Nokia N90, 2.4ghz Wireless Color Pinhole Spy Camera w/ Night Vision Mode & Audio, Spy Tracking Gear Kit with 35mm Camera, Wild Planet Spy Video Car, EyeClops Night Vision Infrared Stealth Goggles, Wild Planet Spy Gear Spy Video ATV-360, Product Image, Discovery Exclusive Pink Slide & Text Messengers, Razor Pocket Mod Miniature Euro-Style Electric Scooter (Mint), WowWee Tribot Talking Companion in Red/Black,
Girl Tech Stylin Studio.

My Christmas wish is for you to make cable go away and never exist.

I think there's still hope for the younger two. Natalie was fun while she lasted, but is sure to end up on the FBI's Most Wanted List by age 15.

May I have your zip code please?

Emily is a blog hog. Well, actually she's the heartbeat of this blog. We all know Hashifa never posts. But, as I review recent posts, I beg to differ with myself, because I have been the negligent poster.

So, I say to myself; "Self? What topics of interest have you to share?" And she answered with this: "Your new 'job.'" Ah, yes. My new "job."

A graphics project? No. Grocery store checkout clerk? No. The Gap? No, unfortunately, I can never work at the Gap due to an embarrassing misunderstanding during an automated pre-screening survey where, apparently, I falsely confessed to stealing from a previous employer.

With the litter growing to an age that does not require so much of my physical attention (nursing, holding, changing, pulling back from cliffs/ledges/stairs, removing potentially dangerous objects from mouths) as much as my unstoppable ability to repeat commands (go brush your teeth. that room is not clean. flip-flops do not belong in the middle of the floor. put the clothes IN the [effing] hamper, not NEXT to it!) and yet still nurture on demand and on site. I have stumbled upon a vocation like none other.

I am your friendly Call Now, Operators Are Standing By operator. Calls get routed to my home phone line and my computer screen populates with the product script. It usually always starts with, "Thank you for calling to try ________. This is Jennifer, may I have your zip code please?" Quickly followed by, "To ensure proper handling, this call may be recorded."

I have learned new words and techniques such as, "Rebuttal" and "Upsell & Downsell." Some products are kind of cool and just overpriced. Others are curious. Still, one is scammish and makes me feel dirty inside. But, I pick my own shifts in 30 minute blocks, I never have to drive to work, and when I'm not answering a call, I'm returning email, IMing with Emily, checking blogs, folding laundry or playing Go Fish with Nick. I am a mommy with a college degree, aspirations for a Masters degree a love for literature and interesting conversation and I receive minimum wage plus 1% commissions for selling a scrap-booking machine, a language learning program, a strange, little heater and more unfortunately, a self-defense instrument of pain and a tricycle for adults.

Emily suggested that when I work, that I wear a wig and use another name and develop an alternate personality. I'm considering it.

My children mock me and ask me how was my day at work and how was the commute home. Oddly, I like this job. Although I reserve the right to hate it in about 2 months, because that's my pattern; to be gung-ho about something and then to bail on it within 3-4 months.

I'll do some more posting on specific encounters in another post. Now, I have to get the pumpkin bread out of the oven for Nick's Thanksgiving Feast at preschool, shower,wake my children with the morning litany and mantra of "time to get up. make your bed. jammies do not go on the floor. have you brushed your teeth? shoes and socks--it's time to go. brush your teeth. why is your bed not made?"

My life. Currently. Note from Future Self to Current Self: You'll miss picking hotwheels out of the tub and vacuuming up polly pocket wigs and dresses. A little bit."

Steal This Show! Friday Night!

My pal Corey from my comedy group just called and told me about some mystery press. Seems someone found out about the new totally awesome variety show he created and is hosting in the Italian Market starting this Friday and wrote a little deal about it!
Micah and I will be there singing some of our hits like, "East Coast/West Coast", "Cat on the Street", and maybe something new!

If you're around, you should come see the show. The other acts will be great as well, and Corey will be a terrific host. Way to go Coco!

Remember when I was on Hee Haw?

Sing-a-ling-a-ding-dong!

Yay! I've never been more excited about being wrong! Micah and I are set to perform at a children's concert this weekend. I thought it was on Saturday - which would be bad because we are not prepared. Micah thought it was on Sunday - which would be awesome. I decided to double check and it is Sunday! Yay! Here's what we look like when we sing:

So, if you are in the neighborhood on Sunday, we'll be at the Green Line in West Philly doing some silly skits (go ahead Matt, you may call these 'skits') and singing about keeping your cool, being yourself and...hobbies!

Emily would have done it

Jenny said "yes" after I asked her if she dared me to jump of the second story balcony on to the couch below. But my fear of my son having to reconcile his abandonment issues because his mother died in a tragic balcony accident prohibited me. Maybe later tonight after a beer or two...btw, please excuse my appearance. Jenny and I are on our annual "women's retreat" which means we drive 4 hours and stay in a cabin in the woods and wear pajamas and do puzzles free of judgment.
Hashifa

This looks fun!

Debut of the New Me

Sunday, Micah and I traveled from China Town in Philadelphia to China Town in New York City for the wedding of our dear friend Brent. On the ride north, we mostly talked about art, recent episodes of Charlie Rose and making lists of small things we could do everyday to live more "green".

The wedding was lovely and was followed by a lovely reception where we mostly talked to old friends about what ambitious, industrious and overall exceptional people we are.

It may have been a welcome surprise to some of what a sophisticated, polished and "quietly elegant" woman I have become since leaving L.A. At other weddings I had attended with this same lot, I mostly followed suit - gorging myself on drink, shouting inappropriately and cursing in the most undeserving of situations (example: "This mother fucking cake is good. Do you know where the mother fucking bathroom is?")

I returned to work the next day, my heart full of love for those faces I had missed so much. I felt a sense a renewal and a pride in my ladyhood that I imagine Cindy McCain must feel ever since she overcame her prescription drug habit.

Quote of the Day from Nicholas

This said by Jenny's youngest (4) while we were playing catch. He kept adding more rules to the game as we went and this was a key rule I was careful not to break.

Nicholas: Now if you hit my penis [with the ball], you're dead. But if I hit you in the penis, I win!

Me: Nick, I don't have a penis.

Nicholas: Hmmmm. Well, what are we going to do about that?

Quote of the Day from Micah

At the onset of a video chat between the McGraws and me...I? Micah says upon viewing my kitchen decor in the background of our video stream:
"Wow. Where are you? Mervyn's?"

Thanks, Micah. Yes, we use Mervyn's as our decor model and supplement with a dash of Kmart and splash of Target.

Nostalgia 101

Do you ever get that amazing jolt of sense-engaging energy when you hear a song from your past? I love that feeling. I have a handful of songs that do it for me. For me, I am instantly be transported to the very specific time and place. So much so that I usually am able to remember the point of view, the clothes I wore, the room I'm in, the smells around me and the feelings.

Here are just a few:
Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue by Crystal Gayle. I remember my dad picking me up from day care/preschool and riding in the FRONT SEAT of his white company car with blue velveteen interior. Dad's terrible singing would croon away at the chorus and I would belt it out with the best four year old voice possible. The song is such a familiar one, that I've never until this moment wondered why someones eyes would turn from brown to blue? That's preposterous!

You Light Up My Life by Debby Boone. Ho-Lee-Cow--am I ever still a sucker for the power ballad. Although I think we could say that this was the genesis of nurturing the melancholy angst in me that would really "light up my life" later in my angry teen years. Just try and listen to this song and not sing along with gusto! I would sit in my room wallpapered in red, white and blue stripes on the top half, white chair rail, white paint on the bottom half, parque floor. My little record player sat on the floor and I had my red/white/blue box of 45s. The B side of my little 45 had Hasta Manana--a song you could really dance to. Especially in my white, zip-up, go-go boots. P.S. I still have all of these records. The box broke, but I found another similar one at an antique store and loaded it up with all of my childhood records. I think we actually have posted about this before, but I can't find it. P.S.S. Kendall just saw my stack of records and asked "What ARE those?"

Now, I know you two Winks remember a lot of these records, too, so it's not just me and my tottering agedness. But, in order to bring it up into the 80s, see if you don't get tingly all over when you see and hear this! This is a very portentous element of our TV heritage! Am I right?? or am I right?

Major Baby Food Operation

Well hello out there, blogosphere. I know it's been forever since I've posted and since the other Winks have given up on even hassling me about it, I though I would sneak in here and post. So now that I have posted about posting, let me tell you what I'm going to post about (that is a thesis statement for those of you in 3rd grade English).
James was out of town this weekend (I won't mention that he was killing animals with a bow and arrow) and when he is gone, I slip into some old habits. You see, dear readers, before I knew this young man, I was a very lazy, procrastinating, and just an all around underachiever. Now I can only speak for myself, but it is in the Wink DNA to stay up way too late, leave dishes in the sink, not care about schoolwork and eat beans from a can or chocolate chips from the bag. For example, I made a lovely pasta salad on Wednesday night and ate a little at a time from the same bowl for lunch and dinner until I finished it Sunday night.
So after too many nights of seeing 1:00am and baby toys strewn about (oh ya, I still have to take care of the J-Man), I decided it was time to get my buns in gear and be productive. It's like that point in a movie when times are tough but then someone says, "Hey! We're gonna turn this thing around!" Following that, there's usually a montage of an ugly girl getting a makeover with a song like, "Hit Me with your Best Shot" playing over it. You know, she's trying on all the new outfits and she comes out of the dressing room and the friends shake their head like, "No way!" but she finally comes out it the best one and the friends are like, "Oh yeah!" So this was my makeover scene but instead I watched My Best Friend's Wedding.
It was co-op week so I had plenty of fruits and veggies and Bubba Bear was running low on his food supply. You see, although it is acceptable for me to eat beans from a can, I can't bring myself to feed the Muffin Man store-bought baby food. Making baby food has its obvious rewards but the MESS! Oh, the mess. So I pulled out all the equipment, did some major chopping, steaming, processing, and storing. I had to wait until Go-to-bed Fred was asleep to do the processing because it scares him. This is actually a developmental milestone, believe it or not: Displays anxiety towards previously accepted situations. He is also now scared of the vacuum cleaner and when the dogs wrestle. So back to the food.

Here we have some lovely squash, or some would like to call yellow zuchini. Unlike broccoli, this is always a crowd pleaser with Bud Bud. It is very simple to prepare: chop into slices, steam, cool, and blend in a food processor.

Next we have a yummy fruit blend of apples, strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries. Now normally, apples would be a pain heiney to peel, core, and slice but thanks to this little beauty
on loan from Jenny, it made the job very enjoyable. Once I figured out how to use it, I found myself wishing I had a whole tree of apples because it was just so much fun. The apples are the only thing that needs cooking to soften, the berries can be blending as is. The whole mixture needs to be strained to get little seeds out. Last, I experimented with chicken. Now the Monkey Man has not partaken of the meat, so this was a maiden voyage for my food processor. I added brown rice, peas, a little onion, and some chicken stock. The key here is too add more chicken stock or water during the blending process to ensure no choke-inducing chicken chunks are left. This turned out nicely. After all the concoctions are blended down to a smooth puree, into the ice cube trays they go. Then they have a slumber party in the freezer for at least 12 hours. Now the old pre-James Hashifa would have just left the mess and said, "I'll deal with it in the morning," but luckily my neighbor came over to keep me company which is the best for cleaning a dirty kitchen. If someone else is watching me, I make sure to go the extra mile so they won't judge me and think I'm gross. Unfortunately, she didn't get the hint it was time to go after that and I ended up staying up too late again, DOH! And now I will leave you with a song I wrote for Jonah:
Jonah Bailey, Jonah Bear
He doesn't wear any underwear
Jonah Bailey, Jonah B
I love him so much
He's so hap-py. Yay!!!

Here's one for bathtime that I've been working on but can't quite finish so I'll take suggestions:
Wash the baby 1-2-3
He's such a dirty bird
Can't you see?
Wash the baby 4-5-6
????????

By the way, he is a stand up bear now:

Quote of the Day from Nicholas

After driving for 30 minutes to Hashifa's and assuming I was the only one listening to NPR, Nick (4 1/2) says from the back seat in plain English:

"Who IS Rock Obama anyway?!?

I think I'm a communist

I really love the library. I love ordering my books from the library's website and having them email me when they're all ready for me to pick up at the counter. I love my new old Merle Haggard music and my Funny Girl soundtrack music; from the library. I love that you can download e-books and audio stuff from the library website. I love getting exactly what I want and not having to spend any money on it. What a system!

I really love my produce co-op. I love the Santa-like surprise on Saturday morning to see what kind of stuff I get and wonder how I'm going to use it all. I love that my 9 grain bread consists of all real food ingredients and only costs $2.

I love my new found commitment to reduce my carbon footprint (I'm not sure I fully understand what this is, but it sounds very smart of me). Wax paper, reusable containers, refillable water bottles, etc. I love bringing my groceries home in my reusable grocery bags. I love riding my bike up to the girls' school or over to the library. I love that they love to ride their bikes to school. I love having no-drive days. I love carpooling to preschool.

I love skirts but not so much peasant skirts which seem more communist/hippie-ish. I look terrible in peasant shirts. I shave. And I believe deeply in washing my hair and wearing deodorant (although the thought of making my own deodorant is kind of an interesting thought). I also like pedicures and Origins make-up and occasionally flat-ironing my hair which seems a little bourgeois. But, I do love hand-me-downs, Savers deals, garage sales and passing on clothes and toys to people.

I love the idea of a commune at first (the work-sharing, the similar values, the isolation without being alone, etc.) but the idea of it starts to break down for me pretty quickly. I also just read a little about the Oneida Community which is pretty freaky, so all in all, it's probably not such a great idea.

So, I think I'm a communist or a hippie-at-heart or just cheap. Or a democrat. Yikes.

Hi! I'm Emily! Read My Wacky Post Below

What do you think of my new hair? Chic, no?

Summer in Center City

We've entered the last weeks of summer in Philadelphia. It's time to cram in all the outdoor fun you can before it's starts to get cold and you wish you had never left L.A. It's been a mild summer, with recent temps in the low 80s, so what do you say to some beers on the porch, a long walk around the neighborhood, or why don't we grab some gelato downtown?

Speaking of downtown (Center City) Philadelphia, there is something you should be aware of before you head out there for an evening stroll in Rittenhouse. Center City is full of crazy people. Some of the crazy people are harmless. They hang out on corners, quietly asking for change. If you walk by and don't give them change, they don't yell, "bitch!" or "fuck you!". Then there are the crazy people who, when you don't give them change yell, "bitch" or "fuck you". My favorite crazy people are like the man I saw outside the building where I work. In full voice he shouted, "I break wind in public and I'm proud of it! (makes farting noise with mouth)See? I don't care." That's the spirit! You are definitely crazy, going with whatever comes to mind, and making people, people like me, smile. Unfortunately, these crazy pepole are in the minority.

By now, you may be thinking, "Gee, you're awfully insensitive. These people are sick and living in a country that has forgotten them." While this is true, listen to what my past two days have been like in or on my way downtown, and then maybe you will join me.

Tuesday: I was on the trolley, on my daily commute to work. A typical morning ride. Oficey looking people going to their officey jobs, moms wrangling kids and strollers, and me, minding my own business. 37th street, a man talking to himself, hops on. He sits directly behind me. He's quiet for a moment, then tries to start a convo with the man with a suitcase seated across from him. "You got a bomb in that thing?" the crazy man asks. The man with the suitcase turns out to be very friendly and indulges the crazy man. "Oh, ha, ha, no, just some clothes for a trip". Then the crazy man goes into a narrative about how he "left his bomb at home" and how he's "not planning on blowing up anything today". The lady sitting next to me starts laughing really loud. I sat staring straight ahead, wishing everyone would just ignore this moron. The crazy man is quiet again for a moment, then says, "I just love girls with short hair and glasses." I knew he was talking about me, but was careful not to move a muscle and remain staring dead ahead. "I guess she doesn't like boys". No one laughs and things feel tense. "Maybe she doesn't like boys with clefts in their chins." And so on, and so forth until we finally reached my stop.

Wednesday: It was lunchtime and Tabitha and I decided that it was such a nice day that we ought to eat lunch in the park. We find an empty bench and sit down. I remember making a stupid joke about how it was "hump day", and got a much deserved eye roll from Tabitha. Then, out of no where, a crazy man with sores all over his mouth is hunched over us. I said, "Hey,hey, what are you doing?". He started moving my purse over so he could sit down in the tiny space beside me. "No,no,no no! What are you doing?" I said. He was in our faces, staring. I was getting scared. Tabitha started grabbing her things and I did the same. "Fuck you!" he yelled after us. We headed back to the office, talking about how everytime we eat in the park something weird happens. The last time we were there some dude peed right behind us while we were eating. We were almost back to the office when I spotted a guy walking, about to run into me. I stepped out of his way, he looked at me, then took a giant step to where I had moved to try and avoid collision. "Excuse me", I said. He touched my arm and said "No, excuse me." Then...HE GRABBED MY BOOB. "You just fucking groped me!", I shouted. It all happened so fast, and I was so stunned that I didn't know what to do. The guy was gone and I was totally freaked out.

So, if you are planning on enjoying the remaining weeks of summer taking in the sights of Downtown Philly, do what I plan on doing from now and be extra careful not to look anyone in the eye. Remember, crazy comes in all shapes, sizes and races. Sometimes crazy is just minding his/her own business, just trying to make a few bucks, and sometimes crazy wants to grab your boob. You never know. Bring along your taser, you never know when you'll need it. And don't forget to try an egg and cheese sandwich from one of the street vendors. They're delicious with ketchup.

Let's talk food!

So, I cooked some bacon today (sorry Emily) and have never saved bacon grease, but thought I'd try it and look for something to do with it. I received some green beans in my co-op basket this week, so maybe that's where it will go.

In my thoughts, I wondered about the logistics of storing said bacon grease. So I asked the great internet gods and this is what I found on a message board:

Best way to save/store Bacon grease? Put that shit in a mason jar. you can also put that shit in an old planters peanut jar. DO NOT put it in an old coffee can.


Good to know!

I'll stop too.

As far as I know, Emily is disease free and only sleeps with Micah.

But

SHE DANCES LIKE A STRIPPER AND SO DOES HE!

Ok, I'll stop. But next time, remember, you should never, ever mess with me.

That was then, this is NOW!

That's all you've got?

Really?

I am not ashamed. I can defend myself. Puff sleeves and princess dresses were very IN in 1993! Now, I am sorry about my weenie roll bangs. For that I have no excuse. The teel, two piece, tee length dresses I made you wear as my bridesmaid was unfortunate, too. You pretty much vindicated yourself when you made me wear a pepto bismal pink number at your wedding. Remember that blemish/goiter/carbuncle on my neck that I tried to cover up with a choker necklace that only made me look like a tranny in a hot-pink prom dress. But as I recall, you had a Dorthy Hamel cut and some hussy-red lips that beg some explanation. Hashifa is still bitter about the white Naturlizer pumps I made her wear as well as the terrible floral dress in "bright pastels" as one of my candle lighters.

Ah, it was a time long ago. In fact, it's funny you should post this now because it's our 15th anniversary on the 21st.

So, thank you Emily. How special of you to think of me at the infectious height of your menagerie of unspeakable diseases. Use your position as a platform to advocate for safer sex and healthy lifestyles. You'll go far. If you survive the syphilis.

Take that!

Sorry I've missed your calls

Dear Emily,

I'm so sorry we have been unable to connect as of late. What with your job and my household demands we seem to be two ships passing in the night. It is regrettable.

I must say that I was very concerned to listen to the voicemail from you today regarding your unfortunate lifestyle choices in response to me not calling you. When you left the voicemail earlier in the week regarding with whom you might need to sleep with in order to speak with me, I thought it was a figure of ribald speech. Not out of the ordinary for you and therefore not something that compelled me to return your call.

Unfortunately, between your hair and your lovely lady bits, it seems your cry for help has landed you in more hot water than either of us anticipated. I was very saddened to hear about your array of V.D.s. Especially the genital warts. I don't believe in H.I.V., but you may end up making a believer out of us both! I believe the gonorrhea and the syphilis are quite treatable although not curable.

It's your heart I'm concerned about. The promiscuity will only lead to a bad end for you as well as those around you. Think of poor Micah. Healthy sex he can probably live without, but what will he do without you?

I regret not calling you back, but I've spent too much money in therapy to bear your cross and can only promise to stand by you (emotionally not physically of course, there is the welfare of the children to consider)through this to the end.

Your loving sister,
Jenny

List of Current Favorites *revised

Favorite taste of summer: Strawberries and balsamic vinegar
Favorite thing Kendall said first week of 2nd grade: But Mommy, I can't remember the alphabet; I haven't used it in a long time!
Favorite Baby to get giggles from: Jonah Bailey Walker
Favorite fiction author: Wallace Stegner
Favorite country song: American Girl
Favorite rudeness from Nick: MomMEE! Where's my peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Favorite time of day: Outside at 6:00 a.m.
Favorite word: Carbunkle or callipyginous or ribald
Favorite movie recently seen: Wall-E
Favorite original look of Natalie's: side ponytail, pageboy cap, dangling earrings, low slung belt with shorts and a tee shirt.
*Favorite Dadism: You know what I say about statistics: Statistics are about as useful as a lamp post to a drunk; better use as a prop than for enlightenment.
*Favorite Kabuki theater skit by Emily: Kim Jong-il doesn't poop or pee...

This is a boring post, but I haven't posted in a really long time and was feeling bad. Now, I feel worse because I should have continued not posting rather than posting this weak post. *but now I feel better, because I remembered those other two. And aren't my feelings really what matter?

BTW, What is the deal with Twitter? I've posted a link on our sidebar, but I don't really know what to do with it. Me dumb-dumb.

*These were actually the inspiration for this post and then I forgot to include them last night when I posted the rest. I've been saving that Dadism for a week just looking for an appreciative audience. And Emily's thing I honestly can't get out of my head. It's so catchy and the history behind it is fascinating. She should post about that! BTW: check out the Sixth Burough's website for more fun and games (link on sidebar titled Emily's Real Job).

Happy Birthday Micah!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Stuff

Yesterday, our mom got hit by a car. She's ok. She was in a parking lot, leaving hallmark and some moron hit her and she landed on the hood of the car. I am evil and found this HIGHlarious until I got the text message that she broke her leg (again). Now I feel incredibly guilty. I've called her twice today because I feel so bad. Here's the conversation we just had:

E: Hi Mom, how are you feeling?
M: Oh, fine. We're going to watch Crimson Tide.
E: Cool. We just watched Rocky, it was wonderful. I had never seen it. It was great!
M: Oh yeah, I love that movie. That's a classic! I've seen it many times.
E: It was fun to see all the Philadelphia parts.
M: Yeah, that's a good movie! Rub on, rub off!
E: That's Karate Kid.
M: I know, that one's in Philadelphia too.
E: Karate Kid is in California.
M: Oh, you watched Rocky?

No, she hasn't taken any pain meds. And yes, this is very typical of the conversations we have.

We went to a wedding in Lancaster, PA last night. It was very eventful. It was a beautiful drive. It's Amish country, so we saw lots of buggies and stuff. Unfortunately, we saw more of Lancaster than we wanted because we got lost and missed the ceremony. It was awful. To make it worse, the bride and groom watched us pull in an hour late while they were getting their photo taken. Busted! Anyway, the reception was super fun! The best part was when the groom's mother grabbed Micah from his seat because she wanted to dance with him. Micah did not hold back and gave it his all. I was laughing so hard that tears were rolling down my face. Luckily, I got some shots:


Here's one of us in case you've forgotten what we look like:


See ya!

30!

I think it's a little retarded that I am the only one writing here. Anyway, I am officially 30. It happened yesterday. Here is a picture of my 30 year old ass:

It's bigger than it was when I was 29.

I will post even though no one cares by now.

The other day I was at work and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. I went out into the hall and there was a midget talking on a cell phone. I looked at him for a moment (he never saw me) and decided that there was no way I would be able to walk past him without laughing. I sat back down at my desk and waited until he was gone. Have I mentioned that I will be 30 soon? Unacceptable.

We had a comedy show this weekend. We debuted a sketch I wrote called, "The Girl With One Boob (who is really sweet)". It was a success! I felt very proud. The sketch was kind of like "Gidget", but I played a teenaged girl with only one boob who is not accepted by her peers.

The dirtiest sketch contest is next week. I REALLY don't want to so it. Our sketch is very offensive. I have to do most of the dirty work. I told Micah not to come because I don't want him to look at me differently. I really want to win, so I will do what is required.

I found a stack of emails that I wrote to Micah in 1999. They were funny. The funniest part was anecdotes about Jenny. According to the emails, Jenny was way into Christian romance novels and had recently heard that gay people like to pee on each other.

I have to go to work now. I am going to try to write more.

I Guess I'll Post Something

If you are reading this, you are a trooper. The other night, I woke up to Micah grabbing me and yelling in a demonic voice, "It's nighttime! Get out of here!". I screamed and he woke up from his nightmare. He later told me that he thought there was an evil bag lady who had gotten in the apartment. I guess stress is getting to him.

I got a new job. It is in an office. So far, I have dereferenced web pages and made copies. Saying goodbye to the cheese was kind of sad, but not really. I put a picture of cheese on my computer at my new job. I eat cheese sandwiches for lunch. The cheese will always be with me, it's just not stuck in my ring now and I don't smell like it.

I will turn 30 in a few months. I think about this a lot. Yesterday, I was window shopping and I spotted a denim jumper that I liked. But then I remembered how old I about to turn and decided that dressing like a six year old is no longer a good idea. It is a bad idea. A stupid idea.

awesome!

this weekend we got to take a break from the ordinary and just be awesome. we got to eat awesome food, drink awesome beers, take awesome walks and tell awesome stories. it was awesome. we also got to watch the awesome transformations of two things: a video on you tube where michael jackson turns into a panther (more bizarre than awesome, really),and we got to watch one most awesome friend turn 28.

thank you matt and lisa for being awesome. you make us feel awesome and that is awesome. here is us being awesome:

Vintage Hashifa

I am not a pack rat. I am not sentimental about keeping everything from my childhood.

But some things just hang around. And after they keep turning up year after year, surviving my constant purges and trash patrols, a certain amount of respect is deserved and so, yes, I still have a train-smashed quarter that Scott and I put on the tracks behind Monrovia Nursery when we were dating at APU. I don't have a special place for it, it just keeps showing up in a junk drawer or at the bottom of a jar of change. I've had it for 16 freaking years now! I think it deserves a chance to live another year!

And so, I am not ashamed and actually quite tickled to share a couple of old note cards that have hung around the bottom of a drawer here or a basket there, from Hashifa written to me when she was 15 years old. She may be a mommy now, but she'll always be Hashifa Vachoo:

December 12, 1997
Hey Sista! What's goin' on? I haven't talked to you in FOREVER. What up wit dat? (ebonics) Anyway, this card totally reminded me of the three of us. Can you believe we're ALL going to be under the same roof? It's been like 6 years. Okay, so it was only a year & a half but the point is it's been a while. I'm sooo excited. It sucks monkeys that I have to work while you guys are here but it's really worth that minimum wage. (No, that was a fallacious statement--how do you like my vocab? I'm supposed to use it as much as I can.) Oh yeah, Jen? We need to have a talk. Not just any talk but the sit-down-I-need-to-talk-to-you talk. Okay, this is it: no niece of mine will be named Emerson. I'm just going to leave it at that. How do you feel about Wendy? You guys chew on that one for a while and get back to me. Okay, I'd better wrap this up. The homework is calling me, I must answer. Hopefully I'll talk to you before you guys come but if not, then I'll see you when you come over! Tell Scott hi for my boca and tell him I felt wrong about adressing this to him too b/c it had a picture of three girls. I hope he can forgive me. Say hello to all my mid-western friends!



Now, before you read the next one, I must interject here; Emerson was actually on HER short list! And WENDY?? Are you kidding me? Here's the next one which, by the way, was in an envelope addressed to "Dead Face" a nickname my loving sisters gave me in my angry teen years referring to my scabbed over acne. Nice.

June 17, 1999
Jon--I picked this card out of Mom's "I-should-send-this-person-a-card-so-I'll-buy-it" bin b/c it remind me of those magnets that used to be on the refrigerator & it was the only one that didn't say "to you on your wedding day." Anyway, thank you SO MUCH for coming out for my grad. I know how much strength it takes to be here. I really appreciate the times we have together to talk. It really helps to have someone who knows what's up & isn't on Depacote! I am for reals so proud of you & Scott & Bug & the life you guys have made all on your own. It sounds dumb but your success is such an inspiration & an encouragement to realize that there is life after Steve & Linda. I am so excited to go away & get back in touch with the things that I know I should be. I'm sorry I couldn't come tonight, but your kid kept me up last night. It's okay, though, anyone else's kid would have been through the window! Our good-byes are always the same anyways so I thought I'd save us both a few tears. For reals, though Jen, I love you so much & I am so thankful for your love & spport. The next time I see you WILL be at Christmas. Tell Scott thanks for loaning you & Natty out these last two weeks--I couldn't have needed you more! I love you & I miss you!



I have a few other topics to discuss, but it's self-imposed, family-endorsed SCREEN-FREE FEBRUARY at our house and I'm breaking my own rule posting this. I'll try and do more this weekend (when screens in moderation are allowed)if I get through all of my blog reading catching up.

I leave you with this of Scott holding Hashifa's precious baby

11 days later and we're all alive

As reported by Jenny, Jonah has arrived and is showing us everyday what a precious angel baby he is. We keep feeding him and he keeps growing so I think it's working. He seems relatively satisfied with the preparations we have made for him as I knew he would be and makes all the prenatal lunacy totally worth it. The delivery was a breeze thanks to a lovely epidural. We will not discuss the aftermath and whatever you do, do not ask James to talk about the images he saw. Jonah is also living up to his prophetic name and changing lives...Jenny's oldest (9) has said that Jonah has made her "believe that God is real and is a God of love and miracles." Here are some pictures to get you by until he starts doing stuff.

That's My Sister Ya'll!!

Click here to read an entertaining interview of Emily's comedy group!!

Welcome!

Jonah Walker
8 pounds, 8 ounces, 21 inches
born January 31, 2008 at 9:30 p.m.

All are elated.

Dreams de Jenny and Hashifa Birthing Update

First of all, I had a dream that Hashifa called to say that she was in labor and on her way to the hospital. I was initially thrilled until the reality that this was only a dream dawned on me and then I was pissed.

In reality, they just arrived at the hospital in triage to try again with the cervical gel dog and pony show. Monday was nixed because the skittles-for-brains nurse wrote it down on H.V.'s Friday discharge papers to come in Monday at 2:30 but failed to write it down in the ol' appt. book, so there was no room at the inn. She was then rescheduled for Tuesday at 4:30. I rec'd several text messages from her Monday night such as "James' anxiety has reached new heights. Hold me I'm scared. Right now he's rearranging the DVDs. Dear God please let the baby come tonight." and an equally desperate "What are you doing tomorrow? I need an activity." We went to lunch with DoubleL, grocery shopped at our beautiful, new Whole Foods and then she made a half-hearted call to the hospital to see if they were planning on her. They bumped her for higher priority cases and she went home. Yikes.

So, after an appointment with her doctor, he made a few calls (hopefully Mafia related) and now the bell dings for round two. DING! Surely this baby's birth is at hand!

Now, as for more fascinating dreams of mine: Scott and I were at Britney Spears' Malibu mansion. It was the middle of the night and she was moving out. She was getting rid of a bunch of stuff and we wanted it. For some reason I wanted her dining room table and chairs and Scott wanted her white grand piano. She said that we could have it if one of the elders from our church didn't. He said, no, so we said yes! And yes, it's all true, she is CRAZY! But it's a familiar flavor, so it didn't bother me. That's it.

Here's a funny video from when Emily and Micah were here a few weeks ago. Listen carefully to Emily's pathetic screams for it to STOP! STOP!
Untitled from Jenny on Vimeo.

Good news / Bad news

The good news is that we solved the pooping / vomiting issue with the dogs - they are being grossly overfed.
The bad news is that my baby is not on the outside of my body yet. I have no explanation for this. I think I am having one of those stone babies that stays in your body for like 70 years and then is featured on the Discovery Channel.
That is all I have.
Thank you.
Good bye.
Amen.

Current Count UPDATED

Baby......0
Poop......2
Dog pee...2
Kid pee...2 WTF?!(updated)
Dog puke..4
NEW!Dog poop on the patio because it's raining and they'd rather not get wet....2

Yet, We Wait

Today is Hashifa's due date. Nothing is happening. Nothing. James, who never ditched class in high school or college, who never failed a class, who is always punctual, who adores right angles and symmetry is PISSED! This total disregard for timelines is mind-boggling! He started researching home remedies for bringing on labor. Hashifa was "encouraged" to do wall squats and exercise ball maneuvers. I think he might have ordered an oxytocin cocktail on the internets and is going to make her drink it!!! Desperation is setting in and it is not pretty.

In other news, I can report that the angel-dog-babies are expressing their excitement and anticipation in various forms. So far, we have 2 counts of poop, one count of pee and 3 counts of dog vomit IN MY HOUSE. In addition, Nick peed a great deal on the bathroom floor directly in front of the toilet.

I hope this new kid is cute. All the glitter and shine has worn off mine.

Quiet on the Home Front

Authorities at Chandler Regional Medical Facility deemed the Walker birth a fraud today when they were released with less than favorable results from the gentle induction attempt. Contrary to previously reported skepticism, the pregnancy is considered valid but the forced birth of the child was unsuccessful. Experts believe that the soon-to-be parents may not have been as serious as what might be required for such an important arrival. The following picture of Mr. Walker was obtained through a reliable source with the caption: Captain Bed Pan is ready for his baby

Mrs. Walker's baby doctor reportedly stopped by during the induction phase to lend his expertise. Nurses endured his grilling when asked, "Are you sure you're putting the gel on her cervix?"

Staff experts are said to have told the couple that 90% of these type of fake births are back at the hospital in full-blown for-reals labor within 24 hours. The Walkers are scheduled to "try again" on Monday if nothing happens over the weekend. Hopefully this time will be well spent considering next steps for success.

Stay tuned as details develop.

Author's note: Another day to meet the wee one won't hurt as I have two unsightly and frightening blemishes, was sporting second-day hair and waxed my 'stache which is still a little red and irratated. TMI? Sorry.

BREAKING NEWS: hashifa has been putting a pillow under her shirt for 9 months!

... or so i'm beginning to think. today's induction produced no result-the result being a baby. i am here to ask the tough questions; the questions that everyone is afraid to ask. is hashifa actually pregnant? we all know how this lady likes to party...

why the charade? was it for the gifts? the fancy stroller she could wheel about the neighborhood with her angel baby dogs? WAS IT FOR THE WIPE WARMER?

only time will tell. i for one am hoping i am wrong and will be a proud auntie soon.

This Just In

Because of the abundance of babes being born last night, Hashifa and her posse were bumped until further notice. They got the call this morning to come in. At last report they were in triage waiting for the cervical gel to take action so that they would be admitted for the whole nine yards. This is an exclusive photo obtained via her awesome little Blackberry of the rivetting action:
In other news: Hashifa's angel-dog-babies (Sasha and Frances) have pooped once on my tile and peed once on my carpet. Hashifa has already checked in with us to see how they're doing and is excited for Frances and Sasha to meet their new step-brother.

In still other news: DoubleL AKA our mother has surprises up her sleeve involving stamping and napkins, football snack bowls and snack sundries for the hospital room. Scary at best. Highly entertaining at worst. This type of mania is usually harmless if not a little annoying with a dash of giggle.

More details to come as they materialize. Stay tuned.

Setting the Record Straight

Contrary to the previous post, Hashifa's spawn has not taken residence in this known world, but remains in utero, albeit seriously engaged in the pelvic cavity and ready to fall out.

The event begings tonight when they will check in at the hospital at 11:00 p.m. to be gently induced. Conditions are "favorable" and so all involved hope to be the wee one tomorrow sometime.

Emily says that I should take my video camera and record the event documentary style and post it her as it happens. We'll see.

hashifa's baby is born! and he reads!

t minus a few hours

we leave for arizona in a few hours. i am no longer scared. i was scared, and expressed my fear with having digestive problems. now, i am fine.

hashifa is due to give birth very soon. i hear she is large and in charge. i plan to post pictures of us together. i will contort my body into poses where i look especially fit and trim next to her. just kidding! pregnant women are beautiful! but not as beautiful as women who have a flipped uterus and mental disorders!

i changed my mind. i am scared to go to arizona. i am now expressing my fear by being weird and kind of mean.

um, ok

on thursday, micah and i will fly to arizona. i am looking forward to hashifa's baby shower. my parents live in arizona.

christmas was fine. christmas eve, i fell asleep at 9pm. my job kicked my ass and took my name. now, my name is job and my job's name is emily.

i got a haircut. the lady who cut my hair was very intimidating. here's what i look like when i wake up:


jessica got me a head vase for christmas. i've wanted one for a while. i about peed in my pants when i saw it.


my glasses broke at work yesterday. now, they keep slipping and i have a headache. not being able to see well makes me feel like i'm not wearing pants. i get new glasses on wednesday.

Might Regis be interested in cross-dressing?

I think everyone would enjoy this: