A conversation with Kendall

Mommy: Kendall, lay down.
Kendall: I will. I'm just looking at my picture. [the one Micah painted of Kendall on a horse]
Mommy: Isn't that neat? Now you and Natalie both have a picture painted by Uncle Micah.
Kendall: Ya, but Natalie's is better.
Mommy: Why?
Kendall: Because hers has a lamby in it.
Mommy: But yours has a horse.
Kendall: Ya! And horses are bigger! And anyway, I love Lamby, but sometimes Lamby is mean to Bubby.

Note to Hashifa: post about your tacky-formal party
Note to Emily: post about your apartment, etc.
Note to self: you're wonderful and under-appreciated.

The Pursuit of Cheese

We are hooked on the cheese. The cheese is something we want to know more about. Of course, the desired cheeses are out of our reach in the remote areas of stupid Michigan where we live, but still we press on toward new and interesting fromage.

It's Emily's fault. After hearing about cheese from the cheese store where she worked it piqued my interest that there could be an entire store dedicated to the unique varieties of cheese and accessories. Once I had learned a little more it was like when you learn a new word and then hear it 5 times in everyday conversations--cheese is everywhere; magazines, downtown stores, cooking shows, menus, etc. It's a fun little hobby. While on vacation, we ordered the cheese plate when ever there was one. Emily's beautiful and delectable presentation of cheese at our holiday gathering was incredible. We decided to attempt one ourselves. For our first one, it was okay. Not terribly interesting, but not entirely disappointing either. Emily coached Scott through the selections at the local Meijer grocery store. We were advised to either do the goat, cow, sheep route or cheeses from different regions. And, while preparing our cheese plate, I had the foggiest memory of receiving a cheese plate for a wedding gift. I looked in the back of a kitchen cabinet and pulled out a never before used Mikasa cheese plate with cheese knife! Who knew? (Plate pcitured here is not said cheese plate.) I remember thinking when we received it, "Why do you need a plate for cheese?" Oh, how Emily continues to broaden my experiences.

We attended a wedding and reception this weekend and were checking out the appetizer table; fruit with a chocolate fountain (does anyone else question the substance of that stuff?), vegetables with ranch dip and cheese and crackers. Scott looked disappointingly at the spread and said, "Oh, no, we're cheese snobs now, aren't we?" We just couldn't get excited about slices of cheddar and marble cheddar.

So, here we languish in the northern midwest trying to forge through the gray and snow and boring of it all and for now we keep our heads above the drifts with cheese.

My turn!

Hey, I'm still eligible to post, right? Even though (one word or two?) I've taken on a more observatory role with our little blog, I, on occassion, have a few things to mention. First I 'll start with a couplet of humorous stories. Today is Thursday afternoon and I am not at my new job because I have been taking the browns to the superbowl all last night and ALL today. I clogged both of our toilets with mass amounts of hot snakes and ever since we moved, our plunger seems to be M.I.A. Thinking back on my food consumption over the last 24 hours, the culprit is most likely a salmon quiche that I had at my company Christmas party. Ironically, the dog threw up this morning so maybe he is joining in on the sick day. Or a more likely senario would be he is purging the stress of the three weeks that Hurricane "Jenny's family" blew through. Between her animal lover daughter and her dog hater husband, he did some serious shedding.
Anyway, back to the Christmas party. As mentioned, I am new to this company so I don't really know anybody. I sat at a table with the other new girl and one other lady who has been there for 35 years. Let's paint a mind picture: she is sort of a really overweight lady who dresses really sloppy, claims she is diabetic but she eats candy all the time, wears man glasses, and has a bad attitude about everything. She kept complaining about how she could smell my salmon and it was making her sick. Uhhh, sorry.. Oh, and she has these fake nails that are about three inches long and painted slut red. These nails are the only thing about her that say "female." So she orders the club sandwich and complains to the server about the price. When her sandwich comes, it is stacked about six inches high with turkey, bacon, tomatoes, avacado, and mayo. Now I realize that much of my disgust of watching her eat was due to my hating four out of five of the ingredients but the way she proceeded to eat this was so gross. She picked it apart to "get to the good part because oh god, i just love bacon and mayo." I think my face turned a nice shade of green. Just as I noticed the clumps and smears of FOOD! under her NAILS! she started sucking the food of them and said, "there's like a whole 'nother meal under my fingernails." I excused myself just so I could allow my face to twitch freely without offending anyone.
So, that's my latest. I too had a wonderful time with my sisters and am hating the fact that they are closer and now I am the far one, boo! So it sounds like everyone is good: Mom is out of her mind in a new but typicall way, Dad is interjecting fake expletives where he can: "Well chuck you, farley!," Emily is finding her way, Jenny regrets renewing her membership to crazytown, and I have diarhea.

To all the girls I've loved before

Okay, I'm just talking about my sisters, let's not anyone get carried away.

Wow! It's been a while since I've contributed to this little bloggy-blog-blog, so let me start by saying: it's nice to post. How was my trip, you ask? Fab, really fab, except for the parts with Mom--ugh. But! let's be positive (I live 2000 miles away), let's not dwell on the negative (she's the most maddening conundrum I have ever encountered--so much about her to love; so much about her for which to stomp around and spit expletives).

Best part about vacation: Hard to name one top thing, but I want to give mention to a few outstanding highlights and appropriately I will begin with

Highlight #1: SISTERS! together! Seriously, I really had so much fun hanging with you guys and your awesome mates for life. As time goes by and we all grow up together with our own lives, I just really love getting to know you more and getting to know your husbands and seeing you together, I learn more about who I am and who I want to be when I see different pieces of you. For instance: I hope to grow wise and balanced like Hashifa (p.s. we don't really call her that to her face, it's definitely a screen name and it's kind of bugging me to have to refer to her that way) and less emotional and reactionary. I hope to be more curious and tolerant about life and appreciate the deeply silly things, too that Emily enlightens me with (added bonus: Emily and Micah connect with my kids on such a level that only true kindred spirits can understand. i wish i could show the video of the original song and dance number to the left, to the right, shake it up, shake it up, it's alright). Other things I enjoyed doing with you include: day-after thanksgiving shopping at 6:00 a.m., our little community trip to the facilities in Robinson'sMay, our pedicure together, the impromptu talent show, chocolate martinis, late night talks by the fire pit at Hashifa's new house, deep lectures by Dad about the open border crisis and the scenarios for a guest worker program, and of course the two laps around the block at the Active Adult Living complex raging about the impossibilities of Mother.

Highlight #2: Sunny, warm days with blue skies--everyday! This fact looks plain on screen, but I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed being warmed by the Phoenix sun, being able to say "go play outside" to my kids and taking them to the pool in the afternoon. San Diego was even warmer and we spent every moment possible outside.

Highlight #3: Not making Natalie's lunch for three weeks.

Okay, there are really too many highlights to mention because me and my own little family had a ton of great experiences, too. I know my kids are loud and highly excitable, but it was really fun to see how much they enjoyed you, too.

NEW TOPIC: Emily in Philly
Okay, so when I helped you pick out your blasted winter-friendly boots, I didn't understand that you planned on hiking in the snow for 2-3 miles at a time. Geez! Be careful Emily! Cold weather is cold and cold hurts! Oh, well, on to new challenges. I would like to publicly cheer you both on in your adventure and request that you account for it all on our blog. Think of it as accountability. Tell us at least one new thing you learned each day about your new environment or yourself. I want expositional language about coffee shop experiences, bus and train rides, frustrating job searches, etc.

Or, you could start working on my birthday song. 10 more days! I expect it to have an urban-east coast flare.

so far, pretty good i guess. monday, i decided to go apply for a job and get aquainted with the city by myself. good thing i am also aquainted with my cell phone or else i would have been lost for a lot longer than i was. i walked and walked. i was all dressed up because i was looking for a job. i wore my new boots.

BACKGROUND: i shopped and shopped for my new boots. i couldn't really afford new boots, but i figured ballet flats wouldn't cut it in snow. so i bought my fantasy dream boots. i loved my new boots. i really did.

at lunchtime, i went to see my old pal brent at his work. brent works at an auction house. there was an auction that day so i watched it. it was very exciting. brent gave me pizza and we looked at the city from the top floor while i ate. my feet hurt. i was glad to sit down.

it was time for me to go, so brent pointed me in the direction i was to walk and i walked. i walked and walked. i had no clue where i was. my feet hurt. i ran across train tracks, i slipped in ice. my feet hurt real bad. it was getting very cold. i had forgotten my hat. i wanted to go home. i wanted sunset blvd. i wanted my green couch and wonderful rooftop. my feet hurt. i just wanted to go home. i pressed on. i only stopped once to sit on a bench because my feet hurt. i walked on. i walked along the river, past the waterworks building and on to the art museum. i finally knew where i was. i crossed kelly drive and up the old staircase and up the giant snowy hill. i could see the mansion, i was almost there. my feet hurt and i couldn't wait to sit again. i struggled to unlock the door because my hand was cold. i finally got it open. the wonderful wall of artificial heat and the equally wonderful and gentle pit bull, bruce, greeted me.

i couldn't wait to rip off my fantasy dream boots. they hurt. upon removing them i couldn't help but notice that my white sock that i was wearing over tights was soaked in blood. not just a little area but a big area of blood,blood, blood. no wonder my feet hurt. i now hate my new boots. they are instruments of the devil.

day 3

i'm slowly getting used to my new environment. this city is pretty, cold, snowy, dense and daunting. two nights in a row we've gone to the north star bar. last night i drank $2 beer, tonight i felt sick and drank free waters. micah is making our hosts' party invitations. we don't have a place yet. i thought i saw jesse gloyd today and got really excited.

greetings from philly!

we made it! we have no home! i'm totally disorinented! more later!

thanksgiving with the ol' lam fam was fun. micah arrived in town wednesday afternoon which was fantastic. later that evening, we had a talent show. hashifa and i performed seperate dance routines and jenny played the piano. thursday i ate and ate and then worked it all off learning to hit golf balls at the driving range. i love golf now. i used to hate everything about golf, but now i love it. james, hashifa's husband taught us all about form and technique. he told me to "get angry with the ball". getting angry with golf balls has changed my life much more than tranquilizers ever did.

another thing that has changed my life is wearing the correct bra. you see, hashifa nad jenny are extremely well groomed ladies and have inspired me to care about what my breasts look like under t-shirts. they've yet to inspire me to wear make-up every day or get pedicures, but i will now and forever wear kick ass bras. before i got to arizona i wasn't really wearing bras at all, but now that my life is changed, i will wear them.

micah flew back to l.a. to finish up at trader joe's friday morning and will be back late wednesday. it will be a relief to plan our big move to philly with him as he has been focused on work the past month. we plan to leave early next week. we're driving to denver to see his folks, then to hastings to see his sister, her husband and their baby, through the rest of the middle states and on to philly. if mrs. amanda hamilton is successful in stretching the state of idaho, we'll visit there. we don't have an apartment yet. the one we wanted went to someone else. i think i feel better actually seeing the places myself first anyway.

we do have one very interesting lead for what sounds like is a nice place. there is an opening in brent lewis' building. what fun it would be for friends to visit and stay in the same building! we'll see.

micah and i are excited about our move, but pretty scared and nervous. money is tight, tight, tight. we're not sure how or when all of our stuff will make it there. this could very well be the smartest of the most supremely stupid thing we have ever done. we wouldn't mind extra prayers. we know for sure that micah has a job in philly, that we have good friends in philly and that i will be wearing a good bra--but that's about all we know for now.

now i must get back to doing math and watching television, wearing a good bra, staring at cacti, drinking too much coffee, praticing my golf swing, playing with hashifa's terrific dog and trying not to freak out.

Happy Thanksgiving from Three Winks

due in part to the tragic news of the demise of the union of nick and jessica, the three winks wish to suggest that we all celebrate this holiday with the somber respect we feel the once happy couple deserves.

we sisters in accordance with a more "low key" celebration vow to not eat until we feel we may puke, but rather be aware of our stomachs' capacities and stop shoveling it in moments before the acid re-flux.

and although this house is buzzing with activity and at times can grow to an out-of-control state, we sisters vow to keep the drinking down to a respectable amount even though more would numb the pain- especially since i'm not a freaking child and you don't need to freaking talk to me like that so why don't you mind your own freaking business since no one agrees with all of your lame ass decisions.



we winks extend our most sincere sympathy to nick and jessica and wish them and you a happy thanksgiving.

in lieu of chapter 2

i am back at mom and dad's. i was at hashifa's for several days but came back here to re-cover and paint my chair. mom says things like, "let's go out to lunch", then i say things like, "but mom, it's 10:30 in the morning". we go out to "lunch" before noon to "beat the lunch crowd". suddenly, it's 5pm. the past few hours are but vague memories of meat counters, home interior stores and textile shopping so she can sew a indian costume that i anticipate will be very offensive.

this is all i can muster up for now. today i wait for a call to see if we got the apartment we really would like.

the casita is scary. i think it's built atop of indian burial grounds.

bye.

WE WANT CHAPTER 2!! WE WANT CHAPTER 2!!

Hello? Emily? Are you out there?

I want to read more about your experiences. I want adjectives, adverbs, metaphors, allegories, Dad-isms, profanity! You've been way too quiet and selfish about sharing your perspective on things there. I need fresh material in order to prepare for my visit. After a while I start to idealize what my parents are like and I need you to help me bring the reality element home for me.

POST, DAMN IT! POST!

p.s. Help me out, sisters. I was listening to Dad talk this morning about his most recent visit to the doctor and he recounted a conversation he had with his doctor. He thought it was hilarious, but, of course, his heightened sense of political humor is almost always lost on me.
Doctor: What we'll do is give you a nuclear injection.
Dad: Whoa, Doc. I don't need to filibuster the senate!

????????????????????

Countdown to Vacation!

I'm so excited! My whole, little, fam damily is flying out to AZ in nine days! It's getting colder and colder here and I can't wait to be warm and possibly even hot! Who's going running with me? Running in MI at 6 a.m. (32 degrees) in the dark is not fun. Why is that I'm the most active sister and yet I'm the biggest one? Why did I miss out on the skinny gene? I know neither one of you will run with me. How 'bout some pilates or yoga? Yes? Let's go hiking with Stacey!

I expect you two to straighten Mom and Dad out by the time I get there. I'm already going to The Nursery, but I refuse to go to The Duck and Decanter, Islands, Bahama Breeze, Jason's Deli or Razamataz. I also refuse to watch The Apprentice and drink their cheap, boxed wine. I will, however, be happy to eat Mom's spicy taco salad on TV trays.

The girls are expecting to dress like pilgrims and indians for Thanksgiving, spend the night at Hashifa's house, "put toilet paper on somebody's house," "call people and hang up," and eat ice cream for breakfast. Nick will be passed out for the first day or so after being at all the airports and seeing all of the many vehicles related to travel. When he comes to, he'll be content to throw rocks into their pond and will probably kill a few of the coy either accidentally or purposely.

I'm looking forward to the sunshine, the change in routine and, of course, vacation sex. Oh, ya, and hanging out with you two and James and Micah.

See you soon!!

chapter 1

i've been at mom and dad's house since friday. it is now tuesday. i left hashifa's house for mom and dad's because hashifa was having weekend guests. i'm stuck here for many reasons:

1) i have a big mouth and feel the need to let everyone (including parents who remain overprotective of a 27 year old woman)know when my right passenger tire is slightly low. as a result, said parents refuse to let me leave their care.

2) i yield to the demands of my father and the trickery of my mother. i try to escape on my own, but fail. i cannot find the pep boys on arizona ave. i drive and drive and cannot find it. i am mad, but submissive when they hand me a glass of wine and tell me it's best to stay with them.

3)(my new understanding and main point) mom is a wizard. i have tried for 27 years to figure out how she does it. she is a master manipulator and tricky as all get out. how? how? how does she do it? i have decided that mom must have sold her soul at a young age and therefore is now a wizard. an evil wizard who tricks you into eating giant brownies, drinking sodas and making you stay at her home longer than you intended so that she could tell you over and over that you have "issues",that you are "taking the wrong medications because the medicine you take now doesn't make you easier to be around",and that "you have a weight problem".

this is why i am still here. i am under an evil spell. a spell that forces me to get into the car with the spell-caster for silent car rides to realms of darkness known to mortals as "jo-ann's fabrics", "rock mart",and "bed, bath and beyond". and is it no coincindence that the wizard suggested i take my low tired car to "sun devil auto"? spooky.

stay tuned...

My, my. Haven't we been busy.

Well sisters. You have my attention. Was it the 12 cell phone calls I ignored over the past week? No. Was it the voicemail dramatically claiming that "I wouldn't believe what happened with Mom and Dad?" No, because I would believe anything about those two and so I instantly knew it was false bait. But when you finally broke down and tricked me into answering my land line (NO, we don't have caller id, call waiting or any other annoying 21st century features that would have tipped me off) only to be cryptically admonished with a snicker and then a hang-up to check my E-bay account watch list, I finally paid attention.

And preceded to laugh my fat butt off. Note to self: change my password on everything online because I forgot that Hashifa Vachoo has my PIN to my entire on-line life.

Oh, how do I choose my favorite one?

Is it the Man Carnival Tiger Spot Thong Wild Night Club Wear 423?




Or, the Michael Landon LITTLE HOUSE PRAIRE SIGNED Pic?








A pair of 1970s vintage crotch less panties.



I love this one: Urine Gone w/ Stain Detector Backlight Odor Eliminator. What the heck? a backlight?




But of course others on the list were priceless too: 25 Natural Ways to Control Irritable Bowel Syndrome (HV--I know this was from you to me!), 11 McDonald's Food coupons (And, Emily, thanks for this one), The Purpose Driven Life by Richard Warren (Okay, for reals, I already have like 3 copies because I seriously read it, and I know that why it's so funny, BRATS!), Size 30 Stretch Denim Elastic Waist Jeans, Country Craft Sonwman in chair and the remarkable White Teddy Bridal Underwire Bra and Panty Set which claims to be brand new with tags but is shown being worn my someone in many different views. Lovely. p.s., it's stretch.

Good one, girls. Glad your having a good time together in AZ. See you in two weeks!

away from california

i'm in arizona now. i am at hashifa vachoo's house. i feel disoriented and miss micah. hashifa is a fantastic hostess.

OOOOOOO, scary! 

one more from los angeles

we are unplugging the computer soon, so i thought i would post one more time. we had quite a weekend. dad came saturday and took our stuff back to phoenix. we had a good time with him. we moved the stuff into the trailer until early evening, then went out for pizza and beer. sunday, we had our last day at church. they picked a special hymn for us ("guide me thou great jehovah") gave us a special lunch and said a special prayer for us. it was special. i bawled the whole time. the kids all made drawings for us. jak is seven and his drawing had a caption that read, "have a nice life"; this made me cry more.

today, i clean the apartment and pack up the rest of or belongings in my car. tomorrow i go to arizona. micah will stay here for three weeks to paint.

i got up early this morning and went on my beloved roof. i haven't seen a clearer morning in a long time. you could see everything. it's hitting me that i'm leaving for good for a place i've never been to and people i don't know. i'm excited, but scared. more from arizona!

pictures from the weekend

here is the lovely tisa. she is a badmitten birdie.
can you spot the ninja?

micah looked real gross as a singles' pastor. unfortunately, the batteries on the camara raan out before we could get a photo of him with the pierced (for real) ear.
before the costume party we had a moving sale.
i tried on some of the merchandise. no one wanted my old c-3po costume.

it's now monday, and officially "go time". i am able. i am motivated. i have a spread sheet.

MOVING SALE

come to our moving sale. we have mimosas. we will be outside our building today from 8ish to 3 or 4ish.

mess

someone come over and boss me around or else i will make this face forever.

help.

i caint do nothing right. i can't pack right, i can't do my laundry right and i can't even post a blog right. someone help me.

A month in review

OK, ok, I'm back. The boxes are unpacked, the internet is up and running; I am out of excuses for not blogging. So many blog - worthy things have happened. Seriously, in the last month I lived with Mom and Dad for 3 weeks, moved into a new house, and threw up off the side of a boat, just to name a few. Luckily, the camera was along for the journeys so let's take a look:

here is my kitchen. funnily enough, i am talking to emily about how she told our mom "you won't be happy until i crawl up your ass and set up camp." classic.


here we have my brother-in-law Neil "dancing" his way over to his bride to retrieve the garter. this scene was later followed by a very drunk brother-in-law, Jason singing an impromptu, a cappella version of Toby Keith's "How Do You Like Me Now?"


We went to San Diego on a sailing trip. James' brother, Quinten (middle name Thor), had never been to the beach before.

As far as living with Mom and Dad goes, there were no photos taken during this period. In other news, has anyone else heard the news about Mom: she's quitting her job! Ha! I don't remember the exact bets we had going but I'm sure somebody owes me money.

Posting from Michigan

Jenny says: My trip was wicked awesome. I didn't worry about the kids or Emily, I shopped 'til I could shop no more, I ate yummy food that I didn't have to make or clean up, I laughed with friends, I used bad words like hate, stupid and dumb without a care. It was great.

emily says: oh shitty titty. i didn't eat the whole effing week because these kids are disgusting, smelly monsters. damn! i am glad that jenny had such a bitchin' week. my week was a bitch in its own way. it was great.

Jenny says: Now Emily, come on, my kids aren't that bad!?!? What's the big deal? So Nick had hot snakes, so Kendall wouldn't get dressed, so Natalie never went to bed the whole week, I told you all of that! Don't you like PB&J and Mac and Cheese? What's your deal against bath toys that make realistic dolphin squeaks? Maybe if you wouldn't have drank so much liquor at night and not been so hung over the next morning you would have been able to cope better.

emily says: i will tell you something about bath toys and the noises they produce: they give me the shakes; they make me turn to drink and double up on the meds. pb&j? mac and cheese? no thanks, liquor please. and don't get me started on coping. just because i don't turn to pollyanna little house ma and pa woodsy wisdom bullshit to make it through my day doesn't mean that... uh, um... so what if i drink?!

Jenny says: Seriously, Em, you did a great job and I think we all had a degree of fun. It was funny that you thought it was so cold here when everyone from here thinks this is soooo warm for October. It was fun to show you around and have you see the pretty colors of fall even though you had to wear a coat and scarf. I hope you fly home tomorrow with happy thoughts of your visit. Don't let a class full of 4-year olds taint your memories of time with your nieces and nephew (Emily went the wrong way to preschool and didn't listen to Kendall's advice to go the other way. Kendall announced to her teacher and the whole class that it was Aunt Emmy's fault that she was late. Tee-hee)

emily says: thanks jen. i'll try hard to overcome the humiliation brought on by a room full of snotty nosed 4 year olds (just so you know: your 4 year old's nose was by far the snottiest.). it is cold here. i liked it when you gave me wine.

Jenny says: In conclusion, it was fun to introduce you around to friends at church, etc. Tomorrow we are making applesauce all day and then putting your little self on the plane back to Micah and your regular life sans the chaos of my children. You'll miss the dolphin, I'm sure.

emily says: goodbye dolphin. see you in hell.

day 4

this is the last day i will be the official care taker of jenny's three children. i am exhausted. i smell like peanut butter. all i smell is peanut butter. i used to like peanut butter. now, i think peanut butter is gross. this is all i can come up with.

day 1

not too bad. i learned some. i learned that children are very messy and can smell fear. i learned the proper way to hold a plastic crocodile, and i learned that shark tales is a supremely lackluster movie. you ask, "you let them watch t.v.?"; i answer, "oh hell yes.".

Yer fine

Dear Emily,

I want to thank you for being willing to keep my kids while we're away. I'm sure all parties involved will enjoy themselves. Here are a few tips about the routine that will be helpful.

1. Natalie hates going to bed and hates getting up in the morning. She makes our other little sister look like a lamb when it comes to sleeping/waking manners, so, good luck with that.
2. Natalie hates to have her hair combed in the morning and puts extra drama into the event.
3. Kendall likes to stay in her jammies all day and will resist the idea of structure, such as getting ready for preschool, so, good luck with that. She is also very particular about what she likes to eat.
4. Nick is into screaming. Not crying-screaming, but just general screaming. I think with two sisters who talk non-stop, he just feels like he needs an edge to keep himself in the game, so good luck with that.
5. There's liquor in the pantry and Tylenol in the cupboard, so feel free to put the kids to bed by 8:00 p.m. and settle in for a nice evening of TV. But, oh ya, we don't have a lot of channels, so I recommend QVC or TBN for the best quality entertainment.

The girls are really looking forward to your visit and have already expressed an interest in learning new, silly Emily tricks, stories and sayings, so keep it clean, but don't let them down.

Love, Jenny

uhhhhhhhhhh..........

*****breaking news*********
"jenny" has enlisted "emily" to take charge of her 3, yes 3 children (ages 7, 4 and 1) starting this monday until the following friday. this, my friends, should be my most interesting adventure journey yet. to michigan!

nick

last night i went out to dinner with my friend nick. i shouldn't have gone out to dinner as i have been eating every two hours as of late. the over eating started in texas and there seems to be no end in sight. but i was very bored and hanging out with nick sounded fun, even though i knew i would eat my weight in french fries.

nick is my token gay friend. he is mean, rude and asks me things like, "don't you hate being poor?". i'm friends with nick because we used to work together at disneyland. every day we would start some sort of trouble. nick would accept and perform any dare offered to him. once, i dared him to do a whole show as a straight man. it may not sound funny to you, but if you saw the show and knew nick, you would laugh as hard i as i did. i almost threw up i was laughing so hard. my last night working at disneyland, i dared nick to come with me to the hotel bar on our break, drink some stuff, then come back and do shows. i drank half of a weak cocktail, and nick did shots. he was so drunk he started crying on stage. again, i was laughing so hard i almost threw up.

nick got in trouble all the time at work and didn't care. he always got out of it by confusing the managment. the managment at disneyland is not too bright and nick is one of the brightest people i have ever met. he's not all that smart and reads best sellers exclusively, but he knows how to manipulate people. nick is a good person at work to have in your corner. one time, a guy at work went crazy and yelled at me in front of everyone. he said (screamed) that i had said that gay people would go to hell. i never said anything like that. i don't even think that. but the word got out and with a lot of gay people working in my area, i got a reputation real quick. nick, without me asking, took it upon himself to personally tell all the gay people that he knew that i don't hate homosexuals. i thought this a little much, but i was pretty grateful.

dinner with nick was nice. i ate too much, nick was rude to the waiter and told me that i am aging and that he could now "see the bakersfield in my face". he told me all about the tons of money he makes now and said that i need to figure out to do with my life. nick is mean and rude, but he's also a kick in the head and deep down very kind.

waiting for chito

it is a little depressing to come home from a fun trip. there are a lot of balls in the air at the ol' lamigraws. we're moving in a few weeks. how are we moving? i don't know. what's philadelphia like? i have no idea. where will i work? where will we live? what will i wear? i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. i do know that we have a lot of bills to pay, an expensive move, and an obligation to be in philadelphia by december 5.

chito, our building's handyman is coming by today to repair the giant hole in the bathroom wall. seems that while i was in texas and micah was at work, there was a leaky pipe coming from our bathroom wall. the building mananger had to break into our apartment (without a key) and chito had to tear through the wall from tub to toliet. this was thursday. the huge hole is still not repaired. chito came by yesterday to tell me he would be back today to finish the job. he also told me that his religion is his heart and that he cries in his heart all the time. he doesn't like to see crying babies or suffering people. chito also gave me a recipe for fish. he told me that now that i don't have a job, i need to cook more for micah. i like chito.

so, i will wait for chito (who is an hour late) and try not to freak out about the millions of things i have to freak out about. i'm going to tidy up the apartment and maybe crochet. tomorrow i'm going to help my neighbor make signs for a peace rally. i believe in the cause enough to help with signs, but don't believe enough to march. sunday, i'm playing the cello for a music video. right now i have to go number two but don't want to because chito will be here soon to work in the bathroom.

pictures from my texas adventure

back from my adventure

i am home, safe from my texas journey. did i have fun? yes. was it good to spend time with my girlfriends? yes. was it fun and exciting to see friends from home in texas? yes. did i miss micah? yes. did i worry that he would eat cereal for supper? yes. did he? yes. and now....

the arrival in dallas...

highlight:
i made it to texas safe and was ready to party.

lowlight:
i was a little too ready to party. while waiting curb-side at the airport for angela, i saw a car coming my way--it was honking and i thought it was her. i posed, jumped up and down and ran towards the car. it wasn't angela. embarassing. plus, i realized i had forgotten my camara.

the drive to austin...

highlight:
i finally was able to reveal to angela her big suprise. she now knew that rose would be in austin. i felt i could breathe again. this new information made the drive north all the more fun. we sang amy grant songs. we know all the words and key changes to amy grant songs.

lowlight:
the drive to austin from dallas is 3 hours. it's hard to wait 3 hours for fun.

austin!

highlight:
we picked up rose at the airport and something happened to all three of us. we screamed yelled and became women who only talk about hair, eyebrows and breast size.

lowlight:
we picked up rose at the airport and something happened to all three of us. we screamed, yelled and became women who only talk about hair, eyebrows and breast size.

6th street...

highlight:
we met up with friends from home and set out on the town. we went to scary bars and listened to scary music. it was scary and fun.

lowlight:
i said something i wish i hadn't off a balcony, some boy called me a "fuckin' bitch" and angela got punched in the face. scary.

the wedding...

highlight:
the wedding was short and lovely. xio was a lovely bride and alan was a lovely groom. everyone looked lovely.

lowlight:
we were VERY, VERY late. this was humiliating. i hate being late. i hate being late. being late is awful.

the reception...

highlight:
best. reception. ever. free drinks. mashed potatos. dancing.

lowlight:
towards the end i felt a little dizzy. i'm quite sure angela felt dizzy, i'm pretty sure rose felt nothing but serene.

***bonus highlight***
jesse gloyd ladies and gentlemen. he sang with the band. i can't recall if he was invited to sing with band. i don't remember what the song it was, but i'll never ever forget the crazy look on his face or his bride's unwavering support. please, please someone have a picture of this.

***bonus lowlight***
some ass monkey stepped on my foot. my right foot is sore, bruised and swollen. i totally know who is was, too.

so, that's that. i had a great time. i really love texas. the people are nice, the drinks are cheap and the weddings are fantastic. now i am back home to deal with my jobless life. hopefully, pictures to follow.

so far, so fun

this is emily, live from austin, texas. things here are pretty nuts. last night, we got all gussied and went out on the town. i have pictures, but no usb cord at the moment, so stay tuned for several photos of three lovely ladies who may have over done their evening. not me though. i did not yell anything obscene off of a balcony and i did not drink bourbon. i freaking love texas.

back and better than ever

sup suckas. our internet machine has been repaired and my life is full again. the gaping hole in my bleeding heart has been filled with a single (e) machine that allows me to sit with my back facing the enormous mess that is my soon to be vacant apartment. thank you shady internet repair people; thank you for giving me my life back. i can now return to reading blogs of people i have never met (but have become obsessed with their lives), i can re-lurk on my space and laugh, laugh, laugh at pictures of ex-boyfriend's child bride's profile and then e-mail their pictures to friends who have office jobs and have secret phone conversations with me and have to bend down below their desks to laugh with me. thank you micah for picking up the internet maker so that i may know every little thing that happens in jenny's brain (including during r.e.m.) thank you most of all blogger photo uploader that i may see jenny's new profile photo. holy poop. that's funny.

in the morning i will fly to texas to eat mashed potatos and celebrate. i'll see some of y'all there. pictures and stories to follow...

Dreams come true

5:55 a.m. the alarm sounds. I bitterly flip it off and immediately start listing the top five reasons why I do not need to get up this early. I easily snuggle back into the covers and this where I start dreaming, or at least this is my earliest recollection of The Dream.

I've just retrieved the mail and in it is a reimbursement check from the church we visited in South Carolina. A hand written note asks if Scott can run the Wednesday night rehearsal and, BOOM, instantly we're in that scene. "Why would they not ask you to lead on Sunday? Why just tonight?" He doesn't know. It must be Christmas time because everyone and everything is very tinsel and red. It's crowed and we're walking through the crowds trying to get somewhere. The scene suddenly morphs into a shopping mall atmosphere and we separate.

Somehow, (I have no idea how dreams connect and disconnect) I find myself aware that Emily and Micah are at the hospital having a baby. I'm panicked and have this terrible feeling like I'm gonna miss it. I feel guilty, like we all forgot and I'm the only one close enough to the hospital to make it there in time to congratulate them. I'm running through the mall trying to reach the hospital that is connected to the mall (what luck). It's so crowded! I decide to go a back way and I'm in a stairwell. There's a black girl with a green cartoonish-looking purse at the stairwell landing doorway looking for the key to the door. I'm impatient that she can't find the key! Emily and Micah are all alone, and I have to get through that door to the hospital. Finally she gets the door open and I'm in the kitchen of the hospital. There's this fat mexican lady with wall to wall tomatoes everywhere! I actually stop and have this conversation with her about how she must feel the same way I do about tomatoes: In the beginning of summer, you can't wait for the first ripe tomato on your plants in the garden, but by the fall, geesh, am I sick of tomatoes! Always picking tomatoes. Always eating tomatoes. Always canning tomatoes. Always trying to give away tomatoes. And the plants are so straggly and ugly in the end.

Anyway, I guess I finish my ridiculous one-sided conversation with the mexican tomato lady because, thankfully, through the next door are Emily, Micah and their little-bidy strawberry blonde baby girl! She's so beautiful. She's burrito wrapped in the hospital blanket and her little perfect head is the only thing showing. I'm crying. Emily's sitting up in the hospital bed holding her and Micah is standing over them just like everyone's first family picture in the hospital. It's then that I realize I didn't bring my purse with the camera!! I'm so annoyed. I feel so stupid. Where is everyone???!!! I feel so guilty again. Then we're all walking out of the hospital back into the crowds in the mall and they tell me what the baby's name is. It's Rolexus. And Emily says they'll call her Lexus, for short. I feel like I need to tell them that that is irresponsible to name a person a name like that. But she says it reminds her of her trip to Texas (Rolexus from Texas) and all the fun they had.

I'm running through the mall again, fighting the crowds. I'm in Sears and all the salesgirls are dressed in those short, red velvet dresses with the white fur trim like a Santa whore. I'm trying to get to my purse with the camera so I can get some pictures of Micah and Emily and Rolexus. I'm back in the stairway again. This time, there are like 20 dirt bikes lined up in the back hallway and someone gives me one to roll down the hall. I guess we're all going to a dirt bike class in the mall. As soon as we go through the back door into the dirt bike store where the class will take place, I dash out back into the mall. The store guy stops me and wants me to pay for the 5 minutes that I was there. I think I profanely told him, "No way!" and run away.

I finally reach Scott in the middle of the mall who is now holding a sleeping Rolexus as he stands in the back of an audience of kids who are sitting on the floor, watching a clown show.

I guess I've fulfilled my goal, because now I feel relieved and wake up a little bit to see that the clock says 7:19! Crap! Natalie's ride is picking her up in 11 minutes and she's not even up yet!

This was my dream and my reality. I think I was feeling guilty and rushed, because I knew that I was over-sleeping. As far as Baby Rolexus, I have no idea. Obviously my subconscience is a) wanting you to have babies, and b) concerned with your choices of names. I'm sure that I'll sleep better if you stick with family names or Bible names (Cedric, Nell, Dathel, Opal, Eloise, etc.).

Keys to Success

Dear Hashifa Vachoo,

After a day like today where you locked your keys in your car twice, might I take the liberty of suggesting a few stop-gap measures:

1. On-Star service. I hear they can unlock your car via satalite
2. Magnetic hide-a-key. I suggest several.
3. AAA membership. Afterall, you were on a first-name basis with the wreckers out here for similar shinanigans.
4. Keys buried in various planters throughout the greater Phoenix area.
5. The rubber-band technique. Wear a rubberband on your wrist and snap yourself everytime you remove yourself from the car.

Nevertheless, it has been an entertaining day. Thanks for the laughs.

Poor Emily

Poor Emily (and Micah, too). Their computer died and they no longer have access to the Internets.

Let's post slightly-embarassing stuff about growing up with Emily!!!!

For instance: I bet people don't know that Emily had a pudgy stage. I know she's pretty svelt now, but I'm picturing a little gray dress when she was about 8 that accentuated her little pot belly. Or her little jazz outfits for dance. We have pictures of her with her curled-under dorthy-hamel haircut, stage make-up, above-mentioned belly in leotards with skinny little tight-clad legs. Soooo cute!

Or: How about when Gertie had puppies (Gertie was kind of the block whore-dog and was always escaping the backyard and livin' the fast life with the locals. In this instance of impregnation, it was with a Lab 3 times her size.) and Emily naturally attached herself to the runt of the litter of 4 and named him S.P. (Special Puppy). We kept one puppy, but was it S.P.? N-O. It was Ralph. Mom thought that the old man that came to see the puppies needed S.P. more than Emily. Mom's always been sans-sensitive with Emily.

Oooh, ohhh this a good one: On the way home from Shaver Lake one time (she was probably 6 or 7), she got car sick on all of the mountain curves and puked Orange Crush into Dad's mesh trucker hat. Really gross, but we laughed then and we laugh now.

That's enough to get us started. Anyone else have something to add???

This is dedicated to my sister, Hashifa Vachoo

We've just returned from an afternoon of apple picking, pie eating and cider drinking at Crane's Orchard in Fennville. Yeah for family day.

Kendall just came running to find us. She was naked for her shower but needed to let us know, "I was going potty and then I was going poopy. But it just did crash into pieces and it looks like Coke."

We reassured her that that was the cider coming back out and that a little colon explosion was perfectly normal.

Hurrah for bathroom humor. It never let's one down.

Crisis? or Catalyst? hmmmmm.....

I've updated my profile picture. I bleached a stripe in my hair like Bonnie Rait. I feel that it more acurately reflects my new embrace of my current life reality. I like it. I do.

I also bought new boots this week at Sole Mate by JB and Me in Holland (the name of the store alone begs one to enter and purchase). I saw them last week and loved them but waited a week to see if I still really loved them. Of course, being my mother's daughter, I gushed my whole delayed gratification story to the salesgirl who helped me blow some more sunshine up my ass about how good they looked on me. I knew it. I bought them. I like them. I do.

I also started listening to country music again. I've missed it. Lyrics like, "Tequila makes her clothes fall off" and "Alcohol" and "They call me the fireman, with my hose, puttin' out fires all over town." "floating trailer park" They're very loose about their rhyming. Southern accents make words like fire and park rhyme because they say "far" and "par'." Very layered and complicated. I like it. I do.

I'm lifting weights or running at 6:00 a.m. everyday during the week. I like it. I do.

I'm not doing BSF this year. I'm going to do some study with Mary Jo and then somehow find a way to either meet new people who I don't know from church or something. I feel very bubble-wrapped and comfortable. I wish James never would have recommended that book by Reggie McNeal. It kind of messes with your mind. I like it. I do.

IDEA

This idea is two fold. First, some background: Our parents, specifically Mom, are particularly hard to shop for. Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day, and Father's Day all send the sisters into a panic and we usually come up with some half-ass homeade gesture that either doesn't come together, or, it is perceived insulting and blows up in our faces and is added to the ever-growing list of "things we do not speak of." For example, we all remember the year we put dog poop in a jewelery box and gave it to Mom as a Mother's Day gift. This gift was so traumatic that she won't even admit that this ever happened. Anyway, on to the ideas: As I was emptying Mom and Dad's dishwasher tonight, I couldin't help but notice that I picked up the knives by the blade and experienced no sensation that might tell my brain Danger!! This is sharp!! Seriously, these knives are pathetic. Then Mom goes on to tell me about how she couldn't find a saw the other day to cut one of her plants so she used a knife from the kitchen! What? So, I think we need to start compiling a list of "good ideas" for gifts so come Christmas we are ready. Obviously, my idea is a set of knives. I told Mom this and then she said she also wanted some tongs to turn the tortillas because it really hurts to do it with her fingers...There are all kinds of fun discoveries in Mom's kitchen so you should rilfle through it next time you are here. As a side note, Mom has made up a series of raps she keeps trying out on Dad and I. One goes a little something like this:
Yo, yo, this is your Grammy
and I'm being a little hammy
Turn it up
Turn it up
Hey, Hey
I hope you have a really good day, day.

Needless to say, things are going well here in the freakin' casita.

Sisters turn into mothers

This is a kindly admonishment to all who dream of holding the culmination of their love and solidarity in their arms in the form of a baby.

Parenting sucks.

Some may think that I live a nice and neat little life. I love to believe it myself and perpetuate the illusion frequently. Today is one of those days that I recant all things resembling "perfect."

I so suck at this. I can't even tell you all of the events of the day because I'm so tired and defeated. Whaaaa! Somebody call the wham-bulance. Seriously, sisters...not good.

I am under the assumption that English is the first language in this house, but I think we need personal interpreters or closed captioning or some sort of communication augmentation because my words are not computing with my offspring. Nick is doing the best job at obeying and he's only one-year! It gets exponentially worse as they get older. Natalie and I had the best heart-to-heart talk after her time-alone-in-her-room time and we talked about mutual respect and the double-sided coin of an extroverted personality and grace/forgiveness. There were tears, fresh starts, Bible verses, hugs, heart connection, ya know?...the whole enchilada. Ten minutes later Kendall comes downstairs screaming with Natalie close on her heals, pushing her way to get to me first so I could hear exactly why Kendall needed to be slapped by Natalie for wanting to tell me that her dime was in Natalie's hand. It escalated into how I was really the root of the problem because I never get mad at Kendall and I always get mad at Natalie and that I like to hand out consequences to her and no one else. She failed to see any need to accept any of the blame for why she had taken Kendall's dime and hit Kendall. In all my wisdom and maturity I calmly asked Natalie to step forward and invited Kendall to hit Natalie as hard as she wanted because we now were allowing hitting to be an appropriate solution to any problems that occurred. Kendall could hardly bring herself to do it and then Natalie brat-ily pronounced that it didn't even hurt. Meanwhile, Nick is body-slamming the pantry door and adding his perfect imitation of the girls saying, "Dooooon'ttt!"

I just finished my day of folding all of their precious little shorts, shirts, panties and jammies. I then walked into my bathroom to see the first contribution of a new week of laundry left on my bathroom floor. It was Kendall's turn to take the dirty clothes up, but, surprise-surprise, alas she just did forget.

Natalie is seven. Kendall is four. Nick is one. I am one-hundred and thirty crazy. These may be my final words. I think I'd rather not try again tomorrow. Surely they need me and my alternative talents (karaoke, movie trivia/recitation, tarter sauce making) in the Katrina refugee camps.

MOM GET OFF THE BLOG

MOM, YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO. QUIT READING THIS NOW. DON'T YOU HAVE CORNISH BOXES TO MAKE? DO NOT PISS ME OFF. DO NOT PISS ME OFF. DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT PISS ME OFF.

i call this: "armed with brie knife"

my in-laws are coming today...

i should be cleaning. you should be blogging.

hey, what's up you lazy bitches? you heard me! blog something! hashifa, don't you live with mom and dad now? jenny, haven't you given birth vaginally three times? come on! that's plenty of material.

i on the other hand have taken a break from my chores to send up maxium love vibes to the internets.

***alert*** micah has been asked to paint a portrait for this week's (i think) episode of mad t.v. everyone watch! the sketch is a spoof on the movie "the wedding crashers". right now i am waiting for someone to drop by some reference photos. i want to have a viewing party, but the in-laws will be here this weekend and our special "these will surely get you teeeeeeeeerashed while i stand in the corner and laugh at you mango ginger frozen martinis", may be frowned upon.

so ladies, please post something worth my while. don't make me go off the meds and go ape shit on your asses.

12 Years

on this day, twelve years ago, i wore a tea lenghth, teal, taffeta dress; hashifa vachoo wore bangs, too short (she cut herself); jenny wore a giant wedding dress enviable only by daughters of mafia lords.

as micah is not here, you don't get a special song. instead, i make minor changes and re-publish last year's song:

sometimes when i'm having a really bad day
and nothing seems to make my blues go away
oh, i look at your wedding photos
'cause they're so effing hilarious

jenny's gigantic dress and scott's in tails
taffeta dresses and vanderbears
oh, mom's as big as a house
and the hot august weather
but it 12 years later
you're 12 times better

you've got three obnoxious children that bear your face
natalie speaks in tongues, kendall doesn't know shapes
and nicholas doesn't do anything, but he'll throw up on your sweater
but it 12 years later, you're twelve times better

the weekend has been nice. friday micah we made peanut and banana smoothies and comiserated. micah is overloaded with work, and i am a wealth of problems real, imagined and exaggerated.

saturday night, we met up with max and his lovely fiance at an art show. most of the art was teeny-tiny and intricate. i really liked it. i like things that are small, but not so small that i can't figure out how it was done. micah said that the artist probably used a magnifying glass. this put me at ease and i was able to enjoy myself. we went home and then went back because josh and andrea came up to see the same show. i was glad to see it again and glad to see josh and andrea.

sunday morning we went to coffee, then micah left for riverside where he is working on murals for a film. he'll be gone 3 days. this usually sends me into a panic as i have no one to bother while he is gone, but i'm happy for the time alone. i need to clean this apartment. this apartment is messy. i haven't been able to clean this apartment. i've been too busy looking at the internet, watching matlock and chatting with bank people. my car is broken, so i walked to church. walking was good. church was good, too. the message was about how the gospel includes judgement and warning, and that it's not meant to be theraputic. i had a nice chat with audrey, who is six and just returned from a trip to boise, idaho. i told audrey that i have friends in boise, idaho and asked her to tell me everything. i couldn't get very much information from her. what i did glean was that her uncle is the best fly fisherman in the state, she slept in her cousin's room, and that her cousin has over 1,000 legos. i tried to learn more about the city, but audrey and by then, her 4 year old brother, henry, became obsessed with my bubble gum. they are so immature.

after church i walked home and then to work. now i'm writing a post that doesn't need to be writen so that i may avoid cleaning a little longer. this apartment is so messy. maybe i'll just move.

i am a bad ass.

i just got home from the bank. they gave me all the money i asked for, including $30 for the returned check fee from my rent check which bounce-a-rooed. i really feel like i just kicked somebody's ass.

on the way to the bank, i was ready to kick some ass if i needed to; walking inside the bank doors, i had my dukes up. i felt seven-feet tall. in line, i realized my shirt was on backwards. i shrunk back to five-foot one.

with only minor kinks, i was able to get my monies. i left the branch triumphant and rewarded myself with a peanut butter, pineapple, bananna and honey sandwich.

so if anyone tries to mess with you, call me and i will pop a cap in their ass (as long as my shirt is right side 'round).

i have spent the last two days on the phone with the bank. bank people are not as smart as i am, which is not saying much. there was fraud on my account and they assumed it was my fault and took 1,047 from my account. this made the rent check bounce-a-roo. i am exhausted...

a move to philadelphia may be soon. micah's friend out there has already found us an apartment. we just need some money to make the move east. brent, do you read this? if you do, i promise that if we move to your city i will be nice to you and invite you over for dinner.

i went to the pet store with micah tonight. i smell like dog. oh well.

i'm having a problem with a clingy friend and struggle when i need to say "no". instead, i've been making sure i have plans every day. i don't turn on too many lights in the apartment. this sucks.

why has mom been nice to me lately? does anyone know? she calls me "sweetie". i'm scared. am i going to die and no one has told me?

A conversation between Kendall (4) and Natalie (7)

Natalie: Mom? Can I get the catchup for my string cheese?
Kendall: Natalie! You just did get the organic catchup!
Natalie: I know. I guess I really do like it better.
Kendall: Me too. I don't like pesticides.

There ya go Em!

Also, the other night when Scott made ribs, Natalie commented that you would really like these because people from California really like pig ribs. I had to disappoint her when I told her that Emily doesn't eat meat. The look on her face was puzzlement, wonderment and then slight terror, like you were going to die or something.

So, we're doing our best to influence our children with healthier habits, but I doubt they'll ever go vegan on us. We press on.

What a Day

First things first: my job is still sucking. I only had one appointment and it was at 8 am. This kid I saw this morning spit all over me as he attempted to blow bubbles. Gross. At this point we were going to be all done and as I sang the clean - up song, he threw a massive tantrum. I sat there staring at him and massaging the ever growing zit on my chin wondering what the day would be like. Because I am gross and can't resist scabs and the like, I sat in my car and picked at my zit until I had gone too far, oops. As a side note, for those of you who are not aware of my scab obsession, here's a window into my childhood: I used to pick scabs and save them in a photo album that my mom decorated wtih Cabbage Patch Kid fabric. So I made a pitstop at Target and bought the most expensive acne treatment I could find to fix my mutilated face trying really hard to only reveal my "good side" to the check out lady. Things started to pick up once I came home. Frances had managed to mainatin bladder and bowel control while I was gone and Regis and Kelly was just beginning. I called sister Jenny to shoot the poop with her and this is when things took a turn for the worse. A scorpion, a real one, on my wall..inside. Not good.
There was not a husband nor a father within 20 miles and I was alone in my panic. You have to kill these things or else they dissapear and you'll never no what corner it is lurking in. OK, gotta go Jenny. Mom called, she's here to pick me up for lunch. So I mustered up some adrenaline, positioned a chair, retrieved the tongs, and pinched the little bastard up. I ran outside and threw it in the bushes and jumped in mom's car. Funnily enough, she never asked me why I had tongs with me...The rest of the day was this: a three hour lunch with mom. WHAT? I know. She sucked me in to her dimension of the universe that is just one giant distraction. She goes from whim to whim, never sticking to the objective and never getting anything done!! And then you ask yourself the question, why does she freaking need to do this in the first place? I eventually snapped back to reality and started to feel very nervous that time had not, in fact, stood still and I had pretty much had accomplished nothing for the day! But trying to get away from, or get off the phone with Mom is like trying to burp, fart, and sneeze at the same time: no amount of will will make this happen. I finally just walked away and said see ya. This time coming home was not so pleasant. Frances had, indeed, pooped and peed on the floor. Oh, and he also ate my cookie that was on the counter. So now I pretty much feel like I'm covered in spit, puss, scorpions, and pee. In addition, I am literally covered in throw up. Just as was publishing this, Frances jumped in my lap and puked on me. Also, here's a tip: don't clean the lint trap out when your hands are wet.

Your Friday night sounds fun, but I'm sure that I enjoyed myself more. Say hello to my little friend: the Scunci Steamer.

I kid you not, my entire will to live was overshadowed by this incredible little tool. Once it was out of the box, I couldn't stop steaming things. Ya know that crud that leaves a little circle of calcified grunge around your faucets? I am grunge-free, my sisters. I cleaned my stove, my microwave, my fridge, my dishwasher, my floors, my bathrooms, my jewelry, my glasses, lamps, light fixtures, mirrors, showers, the grill. Tomorrow I may move outside with it and see how it cleans the car. Do you know how satisfying it's going to be to clean the steering wheels?

It's AMAZING!! You're all getting one for Christmas. You will love it! I was so obsessed with the next thing that I could clean that when Kendall stepped out of the tub and still had bubbles in her hair, for a split second I seriously considered using the steamer to just eradicate the leftover shampoo on her head.

Where was this thing when I had baby toys and stuff like that that I was constantly obsessing about being germ-free? Or when I was 9 months pregnant and laid awake at night because my baseboards need to be cleaned?

Anyway, it was fun.

friday night

last night we had fun. we went out with our fantastic neighbor (not the one i spy on, the one that knows about my equipment. i promised to never spy on her.). first, we walked around downtown to a bunch a little galleries. some of the exhibits were awesome. my favorite exhibit was a group of photographs of people's faces. their faces looked like photos of faces that had been torn up and reassembled and put back on their "faces". does that make sense? oh well, it looked neat.

another kick ass gallery featured a private collection. i love private collections because it's fun to guess what the collector may be like. at that gallery we met a young curator named, roz. roz was very nice and very talkative. we started talking because she said she liked my hair. we talked and talked. i introduced her to micah and he inquired about doing a show there. roz was very helpful and encouraging. micah was inspired by roz and i felt a brand confidence about my hair. when we left, i felt like i should've invited roz over for dinner or something.

we passed by a little lithograph studio and went in. micah and i wouldn't have just gone in if we were by ourselves, but our neighbor is very bold; she doesn't cross the street at crosswalks and talks to strangers all over the place. she reminds me of rose. anyway, the lithograph studio. the man inside was happy to see us, talk to us about lithography and even demonstrated his giant, german lithograph machine. we learned that "litho" is greek for "stone". i thought lithography had something to do lithium. lithium is a lousy drug, but lithography is very interesting and its people are very friendly.

the only gallery i didn't care for was at a cigar shop. i'm not very good at looking at art, but i know what i don't like. one painting i didn't like was a nude that was either not painted using a live model but rather with a poor memory, or was painted with a extraordinary woman model whose anatomy defies gravity. the proprietor was a character. he was very passionate about cigars and being able to smoke cigars in los angeles. he was a tiny man.

then, we went to eat a a vietnamese place in china town. it ruled. i drank leeche and decided that the leeche was my favorite fruit. we ate pho and spring rolls and shrimp paste. it was wonderful. the conversation was good. our neighbor's impressions of her parents are far superior to anything we could ever perform. i really thought i was going spit up my leeche a couple of times from laughing so hard.

after we ate, we walked to the mountain bar for drinks. i like this bar. it has red walls and red chinese lights. the open space and tile walls made feel kind of like a cafeteria. we met up with our neighbor's friend who is a cinematographer. he was british and nice. from him we learned that his mother wears driving gloves, he knows an awful lot about bakersfield and an awful lot about environmental architecture.

we had a good time. our neighbor led the evening, so she said next time we're in charge of where to go. she's gonna flip out when we show her around the ninety-nine cents store.

chicka!

chicka!
Originally uploaded by we took our pretty pills.

check out the rest of the photos of our family bonding time on flickr.

we are back from bakersfield, for two days now. have i recovered? i may never. what was it like? only you sisters, only you can understand. try, just try faithful readers to understand what it may be like to be a member of our "family" and from a one-horse town to boot. huh, "boot". i want new boots. i digress. buckle up and hear:

THE DRIVE NORTH:

highlight:
we in the backseat played games. memory and drawing games to pass the time. i made rude comments which earned generous giggles from hashifa vachoo. when asked ( by mother) to do stupid things, like attend chuck hill's sunday school class, i sang a song that went like this...

no,no absolutely not
absolutely, positively, fuckin no way!

catchy, no?

lowlight:
mother was on the phone the ENTIRE way. the ENTIRE way. inane conversations the ENTIRE way to bakersfield.


THE ARRIVAL:

highlight:
we ate frugatti's, the comfort food of a child of a take-out junkie.

lowlight:
i didn't drink enough wine to quiet the voice. oh, that capri-clad voice.

SATURDAY:

highlight:
we ate tex-mex, the comfort food of a child of a take-out junkie. we swam in the hotel pool. i lost every swimming race and remained a good sport. we watched cable in our rooms and went to the mall.

lowlight:
it was hotter than all get-out. it really felt like the end was near and that the extreme heat was an indication.

SUNDAY:

highlight:
mama hill's 90th birthday party. she's a sweet woman. it was fun to see micah's reactions and interactions with the cast of freaks from my childhood.

lowlight:
mama hill's birthday party. damn! i wanted to get out of there. i had to hug and make nice with a whole lot of major assholes. note: just because you are mentally retarded doesn't make you any less rude.

THE DRIVE HOME:
highlight:
i had almost made it. mom only got angry with me once when i pretended to scratch my head with my middle finger while she took (what she thought) was a nice picture of me.

lowlight:
i miss my little sister every day and thought on the way back home about how sad it is that really the only time we spend together is met with extreme frustration brought on by a capri sporting maniac.

so, that was that. going back to bakersfield with your family is like looking in the mirror when you look your worst. your face looks a little longer, your teeth look a lot more like a horse's, and you can hear your mom talk a lot louder in your left ear.

This is a joint effort

Emily and Hashifa, here, reporting live from Bakersfield, Ca.
Hashifa: Emily, how do you think this trip is going?
Emily: Oh shit. I could shitting shit my pants.
Hashifa: James, how do you think this trip is going?
James: (Motions "thumbs down").
Hashifa: Micah, same question.
Micah: Good. More beer.



So far, so predictable. We have not known what it is to feel true hunger in the last 48 hours. Mom is out of contol, in every sense that you have ever known. She keeps referring to the husbands as "the guys," she can't seem to shake Billie Jo, and she really wants us to "do the right thing" and attend Chuck's sunday school class.

if the hotel i was staying in had a secret portal that goes all sorts places, places away from this hot, hot crappy town--i would enter that portal with a full heart. i would embrace all the sharp twists and turns and arrive safely, safely away far away from where i am. my stomach is engorged with food i didn't even feel like eating. my mind is a mess with caffine from soda that i didn't need to drink. my nerves are fried from the constant nonsense chatter from my mother. my mother...oh portal! reveal thyself to mine engorged stomach and racing mind! do not forsake me portal for i desire thines release from my dark, dark water of dry heat and big trucks and talking mom in capri pants! portal! portal! PORTAL!!!

By the way, if you are not feeling that feeling when mom is at her most annoying, this should seal the deal: mom is referring to herself as the "cruise director" when it is time to make a plan.

Hashifa Vachoo in the Van o' Fun. 

Frances the Dog on the road to B-town. 

This. is our Dad. 

B-town! Here we come!