So Long 2004, You Were a Big Whore

i don't know what would make 2004 a whore, it just rhymes is all. apologies are in order, as i asked that you "stay tuned for updates", and i posted none. the following contains the highlights and lowlights of christmas in arizona.

THE DRIVE EAST:
lowlight
after forcing micah listen to my new favorite morrissey song five times over until i knew every word by heart (because my heart belongs to stephen patrick morrissey), the cd player broke. micah was then forced to perfect harmonies with me on several folk songs he loathes.

highlight
i can now sing harmony on mama you been on my mind.

THE ARRIVAL:
lowlight
frances tried to bite my face off when i tried to pick him up.

highlight
the house looked and smelled like christmas. the food spread was glorious and mom complimented my outfit.

CHRISTAMS MORNING:
lowlight
santa did not come. there was no new bike, digital clock radio or pxl 2000.

highlight
mom has come to accept that her already hyper-active middle child needs to drink a pot of coffee to prevent a debilitating headache. there was a pot of coffee ready for me christmas morn.

CHRISTMAS DAY:
lowlight
has anyone ever noticed how bossy mom is? the kitchen bickering was beyond belief.

highlight
among the lovely gifts i received, my favorite is a tie between the alligator pen natalie gave, and the kick ass "not a toy" spy microphone from the most kick ass husband who is brave enough to entertain his adult wife's completely unethical behavior (see photo below).

CHRISTMAS NIGHT:
lowlight
mom interrupting play of scene it, by raising her hand and answering every question with either "tom hanks!" or "meet the parents!".

highlight
the only answer mom answered correctly was "scarface!", which raised the eyebrows of all present.

WEE HOURS OF DECEMBER 26:
highlight
there is only a highlight here. micah also gave me ear candles for christmas. christine, micah and i (after mom was sound asleep) crammed them in our ears, set them on fire, cut them open, and delighted in how disgusting our ears are.
.......................................................................................................................................................................
that was our christmas. oh, there was some shopping the day after and a few more rounds of my new favorite game, scene it, but those are the main points. it was a much better weekend than i had foreseen. we missed you and your brood, jenny. i hope you had a great birthday.

as for the coming new year, i don't know what we're doing tonight. a few of micah's friends from savannah are in town, they will be over early this evening for a bit; but other than that, no super-duper plans. i do love countdowns, though. until next time, this is emily, once again toying with the idea of her own blog with the sole objective of unearthing the dirty secrets of "jenny" and "hashifa vachoo". POST SOMETHING!!!
P.S. please refer to photos sent to you via e-mail to accompany the proceeding report. i caint git the photo server to work none.

i now know that my semi-famous neighbor has a prescription drug problem 

Jenny's Birthday Song

we the people of walnut grove
took breaks from the mill and cooking on the stove
to wish you a happy birthday here they are
in no particular order some of the stars

i'm doc baker and i'd like to say
i hope your health is good on this your birthday

i'm misses olsen and i hate to remind you
you bill at the mercantile is 1 day past due

i'm mister edwards and i am grizzled and glum
but i hope on your birthday you have lots of fun

i'm mary ingalls and i'm perfect and blind
i hope to you on your birthday everyone is kind

i'm charles ingalls kind and fair i may be
but if anyone messes with you today
have them come see me
i'll knock them from here to mancito
anyway i hope your birthday is really neato

we the people of walnut grove want to say
we hope you have a mighty fine fine birthday
and if you're sick of violence and french kissing
watch us on t.v. check your local listings

Missing Home

it is december the 23rd and i miss the land of my birth. i was not born in a humble stable, but rather in a sterile institution across the street from a food-4-less. i was not born to a carpenter and virgin-- but to a manic woman who is really good at crafts, and an insurance salesman who loves the history channel, white wine and the occasional coors light. not one deity (unless you count ceasar chavez) has ever set foot in the land of my birth. but to me, christmas begins and ends in bakersfield, california. i miss the fog, the anxiety over freezing crops on the local news, driving through haggin oaks ooohing and ahhing over lighted homes acquired to assholes thanks to the abundance of petroleum and made easier through the miracle of cheap labor by means of exploitation.

oh bakersfield, you golden empire, you salad bowl of america, you steaming pile of ignorant manure-- bring me home! i promise to be good this time. i'll eat tri-tip and air brush the back of my car with a scene depicting playful black stallions with a caption that reads "horsin' around". i just want to come home. it's too warm in los angeles. the visibility is too high. not one person on my street has built a snowman out of tumbleweeds.

tomorrow morning is the day we go to arizona. to arizona and to all the bad, awkward parts of christmas. arizona is a land where things think they begin, but really they just come to a sloppy, pokey end. to cope, i will be eating whole gangs of chocolate and watching as much vh1 as possible. stay tuned for updates....

Wink Number Four

hi!I am Natalie Wink Number Four! I am one of you because you all are funny and I am too!

I was bored. I didn't have anything to do, so Mom let me do a blog.

I saw St.Nick go Pee pee in his pants!And all I wont for Chrismis is my two second frunt teeth.Your two second frunt teeth?

By see yu later!

Food Snobs

First of all, let me just comment to my sisters that the last two entries have been highly entertaining. Loved that teacher gift, that's classic. It's a perfect lead in for my topic.

Emily and I started this conversation yesterday about how we're food snobs, but ya know what, I'm glad, damn it! My 3 year old received a McDonald's play set for Christmas last night and today they've been playing with it. I wondered what they would think of it, seeing as though they never eat fast food, and thankfully they made me proud. Kendall "ordered" a granola bar and some cheese from Natalie. That, my friends, is not on the menu at Mickey Ds.

Last night, at the Fuller's, we had a lovely meal which I plated for Sharon. It was my job to remove the layer of stuffing/dressing type stuff from the top layer in the crockpot, then fish out the chicken pieces and then ladle the remaining liquid of chicken juices and cream of mushroom soup into a gravy boat. This was served with mashed potatoes made with a cube of margerine and a braided bread loaf that was bright red and green. I will say that dear Sharon made me my favorite brussel sprouts and that there was a salad on the table (swimming in some sort of Hidden Valley creamy concoction) and Nick enjoyed the corn (and I was able to enjoy it today when I changed his diaper--it somes out whole kernals? How nutritious can that be?) Bless her heart, she made some comment about how when she comes over to our house that we always serve such fancy meals. I wanted to say, "But Sharon, we just serve our meat separate from our grains and vegetables and eat things that God made as He made them." I mean, come on! Who was the ad wizard that invented the crockpot? Emily, are ya with me? Was it the same joker that invented the Fry-Daddy?

I'm an ungrateful wretch, I know. It was lovely to be invited and it's always nice not to have to make a meal and Scott came home with a handsome slate blue microfiber/suede dress shirt and a 3-in-1 tool that measures, calculates and levels. And then there's the McDonald's play set...

Keep on keepin' on, my sistas! Down with canned food, boxed powdered meals and partially hydrogenated oils! Stick to the outer edge of the grocery store and keep you gaurd up! Afterall, even packaged, shredded cheese stealthily slumbers with formaldahyde to keep it from sticking together.

It's cousin Mackel on the phone!!

Okay. I will give a boring account of the day thus far to satisfy EJ (or Emilay Jay as she likes to be called). I woke up at 7:00, got out of bed at 8:15, did not shower, took Frances outside to pee and to poop (which he did: a pee that lasted a good 20 seconds and one long log), and left for work. I went to 27 month old little Kelsi H.'s house where she said "help me," "more," and threw a giant fit when I made her sit on her bottom instead of her prefered squatting position. When I left her mom gave me a Christmas present: a 2 liter bottle of generic root beer and a bag of microwave popcorn with a tag that read, "pop pop, fizz fizz, what a great teacher you is".....lovely. At the last second I decided I will take vacation next week so I told her I would not be there. Then I went to go see Adam B., I monsterous little boy that talks like this: dfjkagkdjgaklhgkdhgbnjkhajghijgiugakjk! But alas, I did not end up seeing him because it seems there has been an outbreak of conjuctivitis and hand, foot, and mouth disease at his daycare. Goodbye, Adam B., happy holidays. Now I am at mom's and she is cooking up a job for Micah with none other than cousin Michael. "Micah would be happy to send that..." Oh mom, you are so helpful, isn't she? Now she is giving them their telephone number and email address. Well mom is almost done making my lunch, time to eat.

Hey McFly

first and foremost, an admonishment: ladies, if you don't get blogging already, i'm going to get all charles ingalls on your asses. i think you know what i mean. remember when pa nailed that walnut grove scam artist to the wall outside the church/schoolhouse and was all, "you know your lucky, i told my wife i'd be nice to you"? well, that's me the next time i log on and find my lame posts without affirmations or additions. i am so serious half-pints.

as for my job at trader joes-- i have taken a lickin' and keep on tickin', but time is running out. i would not go back to disneyland for anything; but honestly steve, this job is hard. check me out: i am from bakersfield, my great -grandparents on both sides were farmers, my grandmas did back-breaking work in their young lives and i cleaned christine's room on several occasions. i know what work ethic is. but this is hard. you wouldn't believe the stuff i do because i know it is assumed that i know how to do it. i climb on freezers, i lug stacks 20 times my size, i carry a box cutter. i do not think i am above it. i do think that i needed this job to break free from the clutches of mushu. i also think that i am learning that the lord wants me to make money in tampon commercials. i'm not being trite. i really think that i finally have mustered up some esteem for my "talents". it is what has been allotted to me and i need to be a good steward of it. i need to contribute to my family with the skills i have been given.

there are perks to my job. i checked out the groceries of a certain back to the future celeb. one mister crispen glover. he bought lots of flash pasturized juice and dried mangos. it was 75 degrees out and he was wearing a trenchcoat, wool cap and mittens. when i handed him his bag he said, "have a lot!". huh? who cares. i handled the cash of george mcfly!

Defeated

have you heard the news? as of 1am this morning, micah and i decided to succumb the master-manipulator and tapper into-er of every guilty feeling you've ever had. i tip my hat to her, dammit. she's good, real good.

so, we're going to arizona. whatever. micah tipped the scales when he reminded me of all the food we'll eat...for free. and i do love the gift shops on the way. micah also reminded me that we can leave the second things seem weird.

i phoned mom today and let her know we're coming. tonight, visions of ways she can kick the shins of my self-esteem will dance through her head. oh, she'll probably also dream about the cheese i promised to bring.

on the rolling-of-the-eyes-front, mother has purchased fancy cocktail napkins that read "forgive me, for i have zinned" (jenny: zinned is a pun on white zinfindel, a wine popularly appreciated by white people with credit problems who think el torrito is the nicest restaurant in town.).

i'm sure it will be fine. i'll be happy to see spawny, james and frances. and, micah's a kick in the head on road trips.

spawny, how was your party? was it elegant and classy? you should've had mom pick you up some napkins.

Bubby Wets His Pants

bubby, bubby wets his pants
when it's christmas, bubby likes to dance
when santa comes down that chimney
bubby gets on santa's knee
and says santa, be good to kendall
'cause kendall, kendall's good to me

kendall, kendall wants for christmas
a big fat pink hippopotamus
and santa, please remember too
from Australia, a nice brown kangaroo
and santa, please put under the tree
millions and billions and trillions and jillions of candy
and santa, share some with natalie
'cause natalie's good to kendall and kendall's good to me

santa, santa said to bubby
i agree

the party was a success... 

everything went swimmingly... 

the apartment is a huge mess... 

i'm tired and going to bed. 

Micah Quote of the Day

(said while half-asleep in an attempt to tell me to hit "snooze" on the alarm clock) "just put more deodorant on it, i want to sleep."

Baby, It's Freaking Hot Outside

this morning, we woke up "early" to run last minute errands for our party tonight. i threw on jeans and a hooded sweater, micah threw on jeans, t-shirt and jacket. it is not unreasonable to think that at 9:30am in december, it might be chilly. WRONG! holy cow, here it is december 11 and i'm buying delicate glass snowmen ornaments and snow-flake tree toppers and it is 80 freaking degrees! i'm sweating! i had to open the windows! just last monday we had to crank up the heat, now we're sweating like pigs! ridiculous. oh well. back to tranforming my aprtment into a seemingly clean, festive environment.

i totally idenify with these women 

Cinema Reflections, by Jenny

Ben Stiller was in top form tonight, ladies, in Dodgeball. My new name for Scott is (don't be scared)

"Mr. Jokey-Jokester"

There were a million good moments. I've been saying for the past 8 months, at least, that we needed to bring back "Doy" as a mainstream phrase. Unfortunately, for Christine and I, not a lot of bathroom humor, which is key for a 5 star rating in my book. None the less, a chuckler.

Has anyone watched One Magic Christmas yet this year?

"Dad's not dead anymore."

How about Christmas in Connecticut? I won't even insult you by asking about White Christmas or Christmas Vacation. Tell me that I raised you right and you are pursuing the true meanings of Christmas which are neatly packaged by MGM and Universal Studios in 96 minutes give or take?

The Bible? Ya, it's cool, too, but I'm with Kendall, He should have added some fairies (she can't remember that it's the angel, Noel) and monsters (not sure about this one, except she keeps saying that Baby Jesus grew up and up and got big like a monster), I'm mean come on, "Wisermen", camels (you might have thought Mary rode a donkey, but nay) and girl-shepherds (our nativity scene is a little a-sexual) are a little bookish compared to the competition. And how do you appropriately explain the significance and miracle of a virgin birth to a 3 or 6 year old? It's a lean year around here for the diety of Christmas.

why have you forsaken the baby jesus? 

disneyland is way more fun when you don't work there! 

here's me singing sacred christmas hymns 

it really is a small world. small with bad audio. 

Do you have diabetes?

Take this quiz to see if you definetely have diabetes:
1. Are you tired?
2. Do you go to the bathroom more than three times a day?
3. Have you ever had a baby?
4. Are you frequently hungry or thirsty?
If you answered yes to one or more questions, you have diabetes and you will die an early death and your family will be sorry they never believed you.

------------------------------------------
This is a general description of the quiz mom read me from her guidepost (big print version). Emily, you must come for Christmas.

It's the Holiday Season...so whoopdee do!

Emily, you'll be happy to know that I made a complete ass of myself tonight teaching my daughter a dance routine to Barbara Striesand's Jingle Bells. I had to! She just wasn't doing the right moves. You know how it is. I even let her talk me into having her video tape me doing it. Somehow, I just couldn't bring myself to erasing it because I couldn't help thinking of the sheer comical value that it will have in 20 years as we sit around the HDTV flat screen media system and watch "old digitals" from when the kids were little. You would have been proud. I even did a shameless hoochie mama shimmy at the end.

I hope you're working on your Judy Garland number. I need a partner for a Fred Astair Ginger Rogers number I'm working on.

Don't let Chris read this. She's not participating in our little blogity-blog. "She's 'too busy'!"

emily's famous dip anyone? please note that i needed a measuring cup to measure the correct amount of mayonaise. 

No Words

ok. sorry for another link to something wrong and disgusting, but i must. the following is NOT i repeat, NOT a joke. i've spent some time investigating and have reached the conclution that this is a real attempt at "winning souls". after viewing the following, please check out the online store. while you're there, don't forget to pick up some anti-fornication thongs. i repeat, this is NOT a joke. oh yeah, don't forget to click around "his" head. you'll see...
www.objective.jesussave.us/babyj.html

Micah Quote of the Day

"do not go to wallgreen's for stickers."

A Refresher Course

i did not make this. i am simply passing it on to you. watch the WHOLE thing. there will be moments where you will want to hit "stop"-- DO NOT. follow this link www.ebaumsworld.com/periods101.html

Have you seen Fico? 

You should wear teal more! 

Don't I look happy? 

A brother in laws view

I couldn't help noticing your recent discovery as sisters...yes the blog!
It has been amazing to me over the years to see times change and each of you too. When I first came into the family...wait did I say family I meant madness I was amazed at the amount of time each of you spent watching TV. I remember those trips with your parents and then the phone calls home..."Is the house clean" your mother would say, each of you would answer yes but I could hear it in your voice the lies the untruths...you were watching TV. Not just one show you had been in your pajamas all day and yes in front of that blasted boob toob. As the years went on you as sisters discovered the cell phone. Oh how fun it was to call each other ten to twenty times a day. But even that wasn't enough to satisfy the longing in your hearts...you went on to begin experimenting with the "three way" and as sister at that! How exciting you could all be in different parts of the country and yet on the phone at the same time. Years have past and times have changed and yet the information super highway has provided another way for you to communicate, engage, create memories (IE; WASTE TIME!). The blog has apeared and has created a whole new way to spend hours on end in front of a new and improved TV screen. You all will try to justify it with comments like "We are just catching up" or "It's not much time at all" or the new one for the budget contious husbands "This is cheeper than the phone calls." But beneath it all is that underlyning urge to waste time.....
I can only imagine what the next ten years will hold. I already stumble in my words as I tell the kids to get off the computer because your mother needs on it. They may be small but they are not dumb...they see right through those lies...they even have comented that they never see their mom any more. So I would like to suggest going back to the old days...how about a simple telegraph message at the end of each month...it could go like this. All is well stop. moms still crazy stop. Can't we get together stop. Wouldn't that be so much eisier? Well I have to go... I need to tell Kendall to turn the TV off.....

Scott

Behold, I Bring You Good Tidings of Great Joy!

We, too, have seen the mighty wrath of the gnat with the pretentious silent g. But, the internets have saved us and we have found solution that is working! Try this: put ammonia down the drains in your house to kill and santatize. Then, put cooking oil down those same drains so that water will not adhere to the walls of the pipes. They breed and congregate in wet environments. Then, place a bowl of wine or cider vinegar out in your house where you see them the most and cover that bowl with plastic wrap. Poke holes in it so they will crawl in but won't be able to crawl out. Prepare yourselves for your happy death dance as you see them drown in their own gluttony! Say things like, "Die, sucker, die!" and "Prepare to meet your maker." and "Go ahead, make my day." and any other hearfelt Lord of the Flies type animalistic grunts and chants that come to mind.

Please post your results.

Gnats= The Source of All of My Rage

the gnats love #408. who knows why? really, i want to know. i've spent 6 agonizing days analyzing, blaming, reasoning and screaming at flying inscects.

i am at my wits end. and, as you know, my wits end is a dark and violent place.

at a time like this, one can't help but think about how we take our gnat-free lives for granted. why have i not given thanks, not only for a new day in good health-- but a new day without gnats in my mesh shower thingy.

i decided that today, on my walk to work, i would commit my thoughts to what to get for james for christmas. i could only think of the gnats. their passive-aggressive flying pattern, that gross red appendage, the pretentious silent g.

tomorrow, december 4th, is the day. blood, gnat blood will be shed. gnat families will be torn apart. the jig is up. my life will become quasi peaceful once more. say your prayers, you worthless sacks of shit. you've awakened a sleeping giant. you thought you were safe, didn't you? you heard all about me and my unshakable belief that even the tiniest of pests have souls. well, guess what? i still believe that. but tomorrow, your ass is mine. and your soul is going straight to the devil.

My Sisters Rule

Just wanted to let you both know that I was pretty blown away and thankful for lesson that I was taught last night in talking with you both separately. It was pretty amazing at how beautifully we communicated and I was just all verklempt about it. Thanks for being so affirming and respectful of who I am and how I do things (even though it's over the top a lot of the time) while at the same time being so patient to help me understand that even if other people's problems spill over into my life it does not grant me any responsibility or obligation to run ahead and fix them for said people. But, instead, I need to come along side them and love them where they're at and that is the only job that is mine and the only opportunity to truly encourage them. I also was reminded that I need to enforce better boundries for the sake of keeping external things from harming me as well as tending to my own family inside those boundries. And finally, that some things really are big enough for God to fix without me.

Who knew?

My name is Jenny and I'm a recovering leaky-boundried-meddling-fixer!

Love you Blogger Sisters!

Boosting Your Vocabulary by, Natalie

firework tooter: (n) to pass gas in the toilet bowl by which the sound is more of a ssssssssst like a rocket firecracker. i.e., "Mom, wait, listen to my firework tooter, it's cool."

lasterday: (n) a day in the past that you can't quite nail down such as yesterday or last week. i.e., "Do you remember that lady we saw lasterday when we went to the museum?"

Bonus venacular: "Sweet" is a very popular exclamation in most first grade circles.

Just wanted the world to be in the know and for the English language to keep regenerating. After all, we are innocently blogging and attempting to not be dooced (which weren't words either 2 years ago).

Micah Quote of the Day

"Hey, my dad has seen Porky's before."

Newsflash: Linda Irritated by Emily

i told mom about our gift exchange. she said, "what about me and dad? well, uh, excuse me, does this mean i have to buy everyone a gift and you don't?" I told her, "of course not", and explained that she shouldn't feel obligated to buy us gifts. so, that matter blew over, so she decided to bring up something else that had potential for conflict. check it out: she suggested that we call up joy and tom, and invite them to mom and dad's for christmas. she wouldn't let it die either; she said i was "rude and mean" for not even considering it. i told micah, and he said, "oh, she's cute". she is cute.

Speaking of Vachoo...

You know we decorated for Christmas this past weekend. Well, last night I wrapped the 6 or so presents I had been collecting and put them under the tree and the girls spotted them right away when they came downstairs this morning. After healthy threats on their lives and all that they value, I walked away with the sense that I was an experienced extortionist and had properly done my job. Well, later, I started to wonder where Kendall had gotten to. I beckoned her forthrightly and asked her,
"Have you been touching the presents?"
"No, Mommy, but Bubby just did."
Yes, the mischievious spirit of Fico lives on in Bubby!

clackity clack

hey, okay i'm on board now. james is at a mental institution admitting a guy that called church and threatened to kill himself...yikes! me? oh, i am thawing out some meat that came from an animal my father-in-law murdered...

Hello, Ladies

i can't do anything fancy yet, but am happy to be "here".

Le Blog Blanche

Wow! This'll be fun girls! Pick a topic, let's go! It's not as easy as I thought it would be to get this going and we'll have to mess around with it to get it looking cool. First off, we need that picture of us at Christine's wedding and maybe the one from Emily's wedding, too. Actually, let's post the Sisters pictures from each of our weddings. How great would that be? I'll work on that tomorrow.

Come on, get on the stick. Let's see your posting!