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My Job Does Not Define Me

Please, God, let not my current employment define me. May my legacy be that I loved my children and sacrificed my own desires for their best interests. Let it be said that I was a good woman from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and that my brain was in good working order and that I brought a smile to the face of those who surrounded me.

In the meantime, let's laugh at what I do to make a little money. I have had some cracker-jack calls lately and I couldn't be more entertained and I thought some of you in the audience might find them amusing as well. (I'm pretending I'm Lawerence Welk and I'm hosting my own show right now--get it?)

This was a call in response to an infomercial for B@reEssenti@ls Make Up:
Jenny: Thank you for calling about this special offer from B.E. Make Up. To get started, may I have your zip code please?
Caller: IS THIS GLUTEN FREE?!?
Jenny: Ummmm...Ma'am, this is make-up, you don't ingest it.
Caller: IS IT GLUTEN FREE?!? I WANNA KNOW!
Jenny: Let me check. Let me read to you the ingredients list. [reads list] So, no ma'am, no gluten.
Caller: BUT DOES IT SAY "GLUTEN FREE?" IT'S VERY IMPORTANT! IT'S USED AS A PRESERVATIVE IN EVERYTHING! IF IT DOESN'T SAY IT IT COULD BE VERY DANGEROUS FOR ME!
Jenny: Well, all I can say is that gluten is not listed as an ingredient.
Caller: CAN YOU ASK THE CHEMIST? IS HE THERE?
Jenny: Ya, no, he's on break. [me having fun now. WHAKO!]
Caller: WELL! I NEED TO KNOW AND YOU SAY HE'S ON BREAK! *click*

You would think with this crazy job that I would get a lot of sickos, but I really don't. This is about as close as it gets and while it creeps me out, it's more funny than creepy.
Male Caller: You sound sebenteen!
Jenny: Great, can I get your zip code?
Caller: You got the voice of a MOVIE STAR!
Jenny: Okay, an your zip code, please?
Caller: I'm SIXTY SEBEN, but I feel twenty! You sound 17! Where are you?
Jenny: Alaska.

I'd really had it with the southern accent idiots by this time (not that I'm prejudice against ALL southern accents, it's just that there are a lot of idiots out there and then when you add the hick-factor, it's just too much to take.)
Jenny: I'm so glad you called today to learn a new language with R.S. To get started, may I have your name please?
Caller: Kim.
Jenny: Thank you, Kim. And your last name?
Caller: Whar are you located?
Jenny: Arizona.
Caller: Okay. I just didn't want to talk to anyone in the Philippines or Sand Land.
Jenny: Oh, really? Why is that? [hick alert! this is gonna be golden!]
Caller: Are you an American citizen?
Jenny: Yes! Yes, I am!
Caller: And you don't have a problem with them people flyin' into buildings? Nevermind. *click*

I also love it when people ask for the language Mexican. When I ask if they're interested in Latin American Spanish or Spanish spoken in Spain, they clearly re-state their original request: Mexican.

One more product I have to mention because it was so awesome and now it's gone. I had to spend an hour on a webinar being trained for Everly Portr@its. Google it, it's awesome. For attending the webinar I "won" a FREE portrait! I was allowed to send in any picture or pictures and studio artists would recreate a beautiful oil painting. I was jumping up and down with excitement because I knew right away that I would send a picture of Emily. And a picture of Michael Hill, our old family reTARD. And a picture of Gertie, our old family dog. And these magical studio artists would create a 11 x 17 masterpiece for me to hang over the mantle. Bliss and then devastation. They folded. DAMNIT! Why, God, WHY!?!?

I also love our Wednesday conference call team meetings where my "coach" yells at us like Mike Foley the motivational speaker and yells, "PEOPLE! You have to read the script! It's your job! Read the script, ask the probing questions to find the hot button, and then rebuttal with the hot buttons! IT'S YOUR JOB!"

So, for now, when the phone rings during a shift, I hope for a sale or an entertaining call. And when it doesn't ring during my shift, I blog or facebook. I can complain a little because it's a dumb job, but I can't quit because it's just so easy to take their money whilst I sit in pajamas or empty the dishwasher. So, for 5-15 hours a week, it's my job, people.

Teeny-Tiny Apartment MJ Tribute

dontstoptileverythingisunpacked from emily lamigraw on Vimeo.

News From Down the Street

I'm back from Chicago and we moved down the street. I'll post an update once I have have extra time that is currently being occupied by preventing a panic attack when I can't find my tweezers in this mess. My two sisters will understand this. We have aggressive hair growth. I predict 3 more days and I'll only have one eyebrow.

Chicago! (No Secrets)

My sketch comedy group, The Sixth Borough, is going to Chicago this weekend for some shows! I wrote, directed and co-starred in this video about our trip.

Chicago! (No Secrets) from 6th Borough Comedy on Vimeo.

I could do better, but...

Oooo! Ooooo! I thought of something that is:
a) not about my kids
b) not about my mom
c) (you should really have 3 items in a list, but I can't think of (c).)

So, I am part of this group at church where people are invited to go through @ndy St@nley's St@rting Point series for the next ten weeks. It's really great material (in my opinion) and something that I'm really excited to be a part of. And scared.

So, on the first day, we're introducing each other and going around the room and people are supposed to offer some general info about themselves and then answer the question in the book about whether you're at a starting point, a turning point or a returning point. Of course, it is implied that this question relates to your spiritual disposition. There are about seven people in the room and we start around the room and get to Kim.

Now, flashback ten minutes and see me trying to be friendly and welcoming. Casually working the room, if you will. There's a general milling about happening as people come in and write their name on an overly-sticky name tag that sticks to everything but their shirt and is hardly legible anyway. Kim immediately b-lines for a chair and plops down and sets her bag on her lap. She's about 50 years old. She breathes loudly. She fidgets a lot. Five minutes into the session, as I try oh-so-hard to give my undivided attention to the person currently giving their introductory remarks, I've had it with Kim. She is freaking red-flagged in my book.

Now, it's Kim's turn. She shares how she's always been a Christian, in fact, she is more than just a Christian (???). She says she only listens to praise and worship music. It's her favorite thing to do. She also only watch Joel Olsteen. She said she likes to watch the same one over and over because he's just that good. She also likened herself, nay, claimed to actually channel if not be Monica from Touched by an Angel. Furthermore, when people come to her with their problems, she asks herself, "What would Monica say?" And then she tells them. She says she's very gifted that way. When answering the question about where she considers herself on the Starting Point spectrum, she said that she's definitely at a returning point--because she just moved here from Florida. When answering the question about one question you would ask God, she says that she only listens to praise and worship music (???).

Hells bells! I am sitting here this whole time thinking, "This is not happening. This is so not happening." What's not happening, Jenny? "This is so not happening that I don't have some sort of recording device to capture this moment!"

During the rest of our one hour together, Kim got up abruptly and left the room no less than THREE times to use the bathroom! Each time it was very chaotic. She also started packing up her stuff near, though not at the end, while someone else was spilling their guts.

So, call me mean. Call me judgmental. Call me ugly. But, bitch, please! It was a crazy day!

This concludes attempt #2 to contribute to this blog.

Amen.