Sea Change

Port Maquarie

All of Johns family live in Port Maquarie, an eastern Australian town half way between Brisbane & Sydney. We usually holiday there and soak up the beach. The last time we went, We all decided that we might like to sell up and live there. Because Johns family are there and because the climate is so much better for our health as a family. I was all good with that..... Then we came home.
I love our little town. I've never belonged anywhere before and in the 10 years we've lived here, i've grown to know everybody on some level. We are a hub to 3 bigger towns and we know those towns just as well. Jason and i agree that this is our 'Home'. Rose, however, hates that this small town is small enough that everyone knows our business. John is happy to move because he never put roots down anyway. He has never made an attempt to make friends or fit in. Jason, i, and even DJ have utilised his town and made it our own. I know that climate & family is a good reason to leave. But i'm scared to leave this place we've spent 10 years making our home. I've never known this belonging before, And to be honest, i doubt we'll ever have this again. John and Rose dont understand our resilience, but the more i look around, the sadder i feel. I'm usually the optimist in the family - pushing forward and keeping the family emotionally afloat. But this time, i feel like i've made a deal with the devil that i cant get out of.
How many wives feel like that? Agreeing to totally up heave their lives/happiness/worlds in order to satisfy the family as a whole?

* We didnt even look like we were going to move. Once John looked at how much we had to do to our house in order to sell it, he changed his mind real quick. Yay! lol

][-][OME

Flame trees - Murwillembah NSW

I was born in NZ in 1970. I always felt like i was 'misplaced' untill 1982 when 'Down under'  was released by  Men At Work. And Power & the Passion, by Midnight Oil. I dont know what it was about those songs, but it was like an awakening of sorts. I knew i was meant to move to Australia. And that weird feeling was confirmed in  In 1985, all doubt was removed1985 by Gangagang, with 'This is Australia'. I knew in 1982, that i wanted to live in Australia - it was the place to be. In 1986 my mother and sister moved to Australia, leaving me behind. Mainly because i was scared of snakes and spiders. [NZ has no snakes, and the spiders are tiny]. I did however, follow in May 1987. And now, 26 years later,3 states later,  i've never looked back. I'm home, & i'll never look back.
Since moving to Australia, I have lived in Katherine NT, Maryborough QLD, Bundaberg QLD [where i met & married my 1st husband. Had my first daughter] Ocean shores NSW [2nd daughter then seperated], Murwillembah NSW [divorced. Met 2nd husband-to-be] Moved to Orange NSW [Married 2nd husband. Had 1st son] Now i live in Blayney NSW, Am raising 2nd daughter, 1st son and 1st grandson [by 1st daughter, who now lives in Brisbane QLD, near her dad]
I have lived in Oz for 26 years. I would have no intention of going back to NZ, [if my son didnt want a cheap plane trip so badly]. Every time i hear ''Down under', 'Power & the passion' & 'This is Australia', It's like a breath of fresh air. I belong in Australia. I wasn't born here, but my accent has fused into an Australasian one - very hard to pick the kiwi bit. I dont consider myself a kiwi, and if it came down to it, i'd fight for Australia all the way. I'm not an Australian citizen on paper, only because i haven't got around to it. By I AM an Australian, in every other sense of the word! Being born here doesnt make someone patriotic. I chose to make Australia my home, as opposed to being born here by accident. I love everything Australian and in fact, Australia Day is my favourite celebrated holiday - above Christmas & Easter. I'm as Australian as it gets!
And, 26 years later, those songs still remind me of how my fate came to be. They make me smile & i feel grateful :o)

Low Vs High Sex Drive

I have a high sex drive and my husband, John, does not. After 15yrs, there still doesnt seem to be a happy compromise for this and really, it is the crux of most of our issues. John doesnt think so, but he's not the one going without.
We go through what i call dry spells, then we have a good night that creates a spark, leading us to have sex every night or so for a week. Then John has had enough and treats me [though not intentionaly] as if i'm a sex straved wench. He gets this look about him where he knows i'm expecting some action but he's dreading it, and i know the fun is over..... for weeks. He can go for long periods without showing any interest at all. I have a bit of a rejection complex, so after a few days, i stop hinting, and just accept that the dry spell is upon us. During the dry spell, his level of affection gradualy drops off and i start to feel like i'm living with a room mate rather than a husband. I start to emotionaly disconnect. Then after a while, he starts acting like maybe he should step up and throw me a pity shag [thats how it feels], Like theres no affection or anything before hand, just a quick feel and then expect a grateful response and that feels cheap and nasty so i decline. Then we argue about it and we 'do it' and then we get into it, and then the vicious circle goes around again. The whole cycle might take a month or 2? I feel like he punishes me. Like i need to go without because..... ? Why cant there be a happy medium? Why does it have to be all or nothing? It doesnt effect his life at all apparently. In fact it's like it's a relief to him to not have to 'perform'. But it effects me massively. I NEED to be intimate on some level! Not just the act of intercourse, but the process. The affection, the flirting, the creation of anticapation. But in between, there's nothing at all. It's like a break for him, but to me, i detach from him in every other way out of some kind of self preservation & defense. Then i get bitchy.....
We've been together for 15yrs, and in that time we've talked about it til we are blue in the face. Nothing changes. It just goes round and round. I'm so dam frustrated!

Sibling Rivalry?

There's 2 parts to this post & both piss me off equally.
The first concerns Daniel - my beautiful 2yo grandson who has lived with us from day one, And Jason - my lovely 12yo slightly autistic son.
I always thought Jason would make a great big brother. He's simple and likes simple things. He's kinda helpful and likes pleasing people. But he has no time what so ever for Daniel. Daniel loves Jason. He looks up to him and wants to do whatever Jason is doing. That alone should impress Jason. But he treats Daniel as if he is a non-person. A thorn in his side. A pimple on the family. He leaves Daniel out of things like he just doesn't exist, leaving Daniel feeling totally distraught.
Jason should know better. His own sisters treated him like shit. It only got worse when he was diagnosed with Autism, because they just didn't want to be patient or understand him. And its pained him all these years.
So the fact that he in turn treats Daniel like nothing saddens me beyond words. Daniel is the odd one out. He;s not a 'real' sibling. He's not a 'real' offspring. So he's not 'real' family? I hurt for Daniel for many reasons, But the fact that his own 'brother' treats him like he has no value what so ever breaks my heart in a way i should never have to feel. And there is no solution to that...

The second part of this post is about Selena - a beautiful baby girl who is Daniels sister.
Alix gave birth to her on NYE. I'd been in 2 minds about Selena until then. Happy that I'll have a grand daughter, but scared because of how things panned out with Daniel.
But once i saw Selena's photo, i was hooked. I couldn't help myself or stop it. I fell in love with this tiny bundle of princess.
I'm a realist. I realise theres a good chance Selena will end up in care. I really hope not, but its a possibility. John and i had talked about it and theres no way we can take in another baby. It's not fair on us or the kids. I really don't think our marriage would cope with another one.
I have prayed for Selena and i know that if she does end up in care, it will be the right place for her.
But i can still love her, right? I can still love her but not prepare to be her sole carer. But John and the kids are worried that if i get emotionally attached i wont be able to help myself - I'll throw my family under the bus in order to take her in. But I've already resigned to the fact that we cant raise her.
I just love her. But I'm not allowed to voice it. I'm not allowed to talk about her. I hate that. My first grand daughter and I'm not allowed to be joyful in front of my own family.

I know we cant raise her if it came to that. i know that. But i love her anyway. I'll love her no matter where she is. I just have to love her in silence, and that SUX!

Chrismas Goodies?

[Nearly] Everyone likes fruit mince pies at Christmas right? I know i do. The delicious sweet crust and just the right amount of fruit filling Mmmmmmmmm
Well that is a bitter sweet part of Christmas for me. Let me tell you why....
[Insert tacky flashback sequence]

My ex husband was an emotional control freak. His favourite way of 'Punishing' me or my girls was to give us the silent treatment. 9 times out of 10 we never even knew why he was ignoring us until after the shit had hit the fan [we argued] and he came clean.
Well one time he stopped talking to me for 3 weeks.... 3 WEEKS! How do you live in a house with someone day in and day out and not converse with them at all?!? I dunno, but he did it. And like usual, it festered & festered until it turned into an explosive argument [a really bad one] And then he told me it was because i had eaten the last of our fruit mince pies without asking him if he wanted it first.

..... Are you fucking serious?

Ever since then, at this time of year when Christmas stuff comes out, i think of that stupid situation when i see the fruit mince pies. Even nearly 20 years later.

Thanks for ruining my love of fruit mince pies you asshole!!

I take all my best photos in public restrooms. The lighting is fantastic & i know which cubicle in each restroom gets the best results. If only my face book friends knew that when they commented on how great i look ;o)

I love John. he is my soul mate, my best friend, and my constant. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that i would never in my lifetime meet another man as perfectly matched for me as he is! We have our differences sure, but they are so minuscule compared to the good stuff between us. And we work everything out quickly and painlessly. In fact the kids pretty much think we don't argue.
During our marriage, we have always evolved together, toward each other, making each year better and more compatible than the last.When our needs have changed they have always kinda changed together, as one.
But this year, things are changing in opposite directions and wedges are developing. I am not as content as i once was. My needs are changing in areas that his are not. They are subtle yearnings that are not big deals on their own, but collectively they are creating an issue.
Issue 1: John has been a couch potato for years. This has always bothered me to a degree but i try not to nag him about it. He works rotating shifts and he works very hard [lots of brain stuff] So on his days off, he usually spends them on the computer, playing WOW, on the couch watching tele, and napping/drinking. He's very anti-social and doesn't like going out or having people come to our place.
I on the other hand can not sit still for long without getting restless. I've gotta be doing SOMETHING! I'm a bit of a social butterfly and like to get out and do stuff, go places. I'd rather go out for a few drinks and a game of pool than sit at home and drink in front of the tele, y'know?
John is 47 going on 80. He's kinda happy with his lot and is ready to lay down and retire.
I am 41 going on 18. I'm quite juvenile and always up for trying something new/dangerous/slightly naughty. Life is for living. Although we are so different like that, We've always kinda worked out out for the greater good.
But as we get older we both seem to be leaning more and more into those descriptions.
All these years i've always Joked that i'm a single mum and John just doesn't like anyone, including us. I can predict what each day will be like for him, hour by hour.
But its not funny anymore. We are growing apart, and that reality is getting to the point where we may not be able to rein it back in if we dont work at it.
Relationship wise John is a wonderful husband. He's never raised his voice to me, belittled me or raised a hand to me. He's always been respectful, loyal and honest. He's a very hard worker who deals with a lot of stress, but somehow manages to leave it as the door when he comes home. Other than that one flaw, I cant fault him at all.

Which brings me to issue 2 which is festering: As a lover he's always been gentle and giving. A little adventurous at times. He likes routine though. [And he's the BEST kisser!]
And for me, it's always been ok. I've said i'd like to be more adventurous, but he doesn't really embrace change..
I'm finding as i get older that i NEED more. I dont want him to be so gentle and giving. I want... no, need him to be more rough and more taking. And a lot more adventurous. I need it to be amped up from an 'M15+' rating to an 'R' rating. I dont want him to be less of a gentleman, just more primal.
A few months ago i voiced my concerns to John. I told him i need things to change. My needs aren't the same now as when we were first married 14yrs ago. But we need to change together. I need more excitement in our lives all 'round. With spontaneity and random acts of everything between us. We need to change or we are going to drift apart.

Well, he ramped it up alright! For a while he was sending me saucy texts at every given opportunity. Doing random spontaneous things for our relationship and our sex life went somewhere amazing i didnt think existed! I woke up most mornings sore and smiling. He agreed that this was good for us and we can sustain this.
Then it stopped. i sat on it and after a while i confronted him. then it all picked up again and got awesome.... then it stopped. It hurts to have something you really want and then have it taken away. Its confusing and frustrating. For me this is real, doable change, because its who i am. But to John, despite that he likes what i want to change about us, its too much of a chore to really keep up - outside his comfort zone.
I dont want John to be someone he is not. But i also can not be someone i am not.
I feel like i have to decide weather i am prepared to live with a wonderful loving man who fulfils all my other needs, and be content to suppress my own desires for the sake of peace and just accept this as my lot.
Can one adapt like that without harboring resentment? I feel a bit lost. Dr.Phil doesn't cover this in any books :o/