Dumb and Dumber Fight Club

Was anyone afraid of spiders before the movie Arachnophobia or was this the start of all the hate mongering? I mean sure I hate Hobo spiders. But who doesn't hate a spider that won't get a job and would rather be homeless wandering around asking for spare change and holding signs that say "will build webs for food" but then they blow the money on booze and insects. That just ain't right.
Anyways, I was just thinking this as I watched a spider wander around my apartment for a minute before I engaged him in an epic battle. As he explored I watched from afar. Plotting when and how I would attack. He was unsuspecting. He ran across the TV stand. He climbed over the fruit loop that has been there for over a year and now really ties the room together. He stopped and waved a few of his legs around to which I likened to a human singing Justin Bieber into the bathroom mirror and not knowing someone was watching. It was cute. That's when I decided I needed to act. Since I was barefoot I decided to go with the "smash with tissue and flush him" action. This has been a proven method and figured it would go with out a hitch. I pounced and got him. As I brought up the tissue he jumped. He landed on his 8 legs just as two cats that were tied together would have and started running. Right at me. He wasn't backing down. This same thing happened twice on the way to the bathroom and finally the calming swirling noise signaled it was over. And that's when I realized I respected the hell out of that tiny little guy. He fought tough and didn't back down. And while we stand for different things I can't help but think that Jeff Daniels' propaganda had somehow led us both down this ugly ugly road that led only to certain death for one of us. Luckily for me, my day has not come but I fought a worthy opponent tonight and hopefully soon we can come to terms that we are not all that different. That at heart, we are both the same, flailing our many appendages in the air and singing "Baby, Baby, Baby, ohhhhh Baby..."

Sharp Scooters, Don't Touch

Oh hey there, just here for my 6 month check in, and no I did not floss......or did I. Hahahaha nah, I didn't. Anyways everyone keeps bothering me to blog more. OK fine one person does but she says it quite often. OK fine, she said it once but you could imagine if she said it more often.
So I haven't shaved for two weeks. I'm pretty sure that is the longest I have ever gone without shaving in my entire life. Well except for the first 21 years of my life. Yep, never saw a razor until I had my first beer....jk jk I saw my Dad use one once. But I didn't really know what it was used for. In fact I remember packing for my mission and reading the things to bring and it said to bring a razor. I read it twice just to make sure. I was surprised the wanted me to take that, but hey I do what I'm told. So as I was putting my razor scooter into my luggage my Mom asked me why I was taking that. And I told I wasn't sure but I was guessing that maybe you could choose either a scooter or a bike. Or maybe it was like a back up so if your bike got stolen or maybe just for a nice change of pace. You know too far to walk there but too close to bike. That's when she explained to me what they meant and the had my Dad show me how to shave. Boy was my face red. Not only cause I was embarrassed about the whole scooter thing but also the razor burn. Worst day of my life.
Anyways back to me not shaving for two weeks. I was really hoping that this thing would turn into a nice beard so I could finally live out the dream that Zach had where I had a full beard and I was an umpire in a MLB baseball game and would dance when I called balls or strikes. But I don't think its going to happen. Maybe I could just get it long enough to do like a comb over....too gross? I mean I'm still getting hit on by single moms so it can't be that nasty yet. I can grow a mean mustache but that's about it. And every day I mustache myself if I should shave or not. So I guess if this was a football injury report my facial hair would be listed as day to day.......
Also if I shaved it into just a mustache I would wear some thick black rimmed glasses. I already have the big nose so it would look like those cheap disguise things you buy. Man that would be awesome! I could walk around and no one would know who I was.

Hooked on a feeling

What do robots do?
What do women do too much of?
What scares me more than zombies taking over the world?
Easy, and no its not Charlie Sheen. One of my biggest fears is that we will build these cool robots and then they will take over the world. It gives me the Kelsey Grammars just thinking about it. But I've never been able to put my finger on why it scared me so much. That was until the other day when one of my friends said to me "Tomas, tu sabes ninas mayores de analizar las cosas" Vickie, You know I don't speak Spanish. So I went home and found a translator(still not sure what Wayne Bass was doing there but oh well.) So it turns out she said, "Thomas, you know girls over analyze things." And that's when it hit me, Robots analyze everything, that's just what they do. But they do it logically. And they are strong. But they don't have emotion. But girls have emotion, and lots of it. So what would happen if somehow these robots got the emotion of a female. I'll tell you what! Mother effin Armageddon that's what! We would be powerless to stop them! They would know that when we say that the game only has 15 minutes left it actually means about an hour. And that we could no longer be able to create a diversion by saying "their robotic butts looked good in those jeans" or "did you change the color of your circuiting?" And not to mention the strength they would have, we could no longer wrestle the remote out of their hands if they tried to turn on The Bachelor or Jersey Shore.
So scientists, I make this desperate plea.....Please don't give robots feelings! Please for the love of all that is good and holy don't give them feelings!

The Candy Nazi

You know those candy machines that spin. A lot of businesses have them as you walk in. The ones where you put a quarter in and get like 3 peanuts, a half of a crushed M&M, or no Mike, just Ike. Ya those ones. What is this? Nazi Germany? Oh the irony if we are rationing Good and Plenty's now. We would have to change the name to Good and That's enough.
Anyways the only thing more perplexing than this is why people continue to get duped by this infernal machine. Seriously there is a lady here at work that everyday I hear her go up, put her money in. Turn the dial and then go, OH COME ON! NOT AGAIN! Its rather entertaining. I'm not sure why she hasn't figured it out yet but as the old saying goes fool me once shame on me, fool me twice better grab some popcorn cause this is going to be entertaining. Oh crap, gotta go. I hear her digging through her change.

Air Bud

I have been sleeping on an air mattress for the past 19 months. Why you ask? Well here is a list of the reasons why:

PROS:

• THE most comfortable bed I have had since the womb.
• It literally feels like you are sleeping on air.
• You sleep with ease knowing if there is a flood you will be able to float on safely without even having to wake up.
• Moving is way too easy, What? I have to move, ya one second, psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst done.
• When you use the pump to add a bit more air for firmness it sounds like you are vacuuming your room and then you roommates think to themselves "wow, Thome keeps a real tight ship in there." suckers.
• can be easily thrown at intruders, this act wont cause any harm to them but it should cause confusion, cause come on, who throws a bed now a days.
• has the possibility to be filled with Hawaiian punch for a real thirst quenching sleep.

CONS:

• A catastrophic air failure at 5 a.m. that results with you waking up on the floor and having to relocate to the couch really blows....literally.

So as you can see, the pros defiantly out weigh the cons. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a nap since I ended up on the couch last night.......

double not?

So I realized two things today. 1. I can't spell certain words. No matter how hard I try and I just can't. I can look it up and try and memorize how to spell it but the next time I have to it still comes out wrong.

The second thing is I can not for the life of me tie my right shoe and keep it tied for more than 5 minutes. Tops. Left shoe, no problem. Right shoe, ya right. Why this is I have no idea. I'll tie it and a few step later its flopping around again. I am 26 years old and I still have to have my mommy tie my right shoe. It doesn't get any better than that. Seriously I tied it when I started writing this post and I just looked down and its untied. I didn't move! There has to be some sort of gremlin hiding around here that unties my shoes. I'm going to tie my shoe and walk around work staring at it just waiting for this little guy to try and untie it. Sure my co workers might laugh at me but they already do when I tell them that there is a monster that comes into my room at night and wrinkles all my work shirts. And that's why they are so wrinkled when I get to work in the morning. They laugh, but its true.

70 degrees with a chance of......

So the last few days I have been a little under the weather. And after having a couple people say that to me and using the phrase myself a couple of times I have wondered what it means? Well it means you are sick but how did it come to mean that? Technically we are always under the weather. Rain falls, snow falls, the sun beats down, all hail breaks loose and well then falls down. So I'm thinking we need to tweak the saying just a little bit, not much. Example: person 1 "hey how are you today?" person 2" hmm not that well, I AM the weather." person 1 "oh....okay." Person 1 would then say to person 3 "hey did you hear that, that guy over there thinks he IS the weather! is that guy sick or what?" Person 3 would have no choice but to agree seeing as anyone who would think that they are the weather would have to be considered sick. So this would get the point across.