I am quite displeased with my father today.
And so hear I am, trying to justify with myself why I should not be super angry at him. Because writing is my therapy. And I can't stand to write with a pen anymore because my handwriting is ugly now. And it's just slow while I'm writing with a pen. So I choose to type.

1. Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. said to love your father after loving your mother (three times). So inshaAllah, I shall love my father because I love Rasulullah s.a.w. But isn't it super hard when you love him, that is why you are angry at him? And I was reflecting, and to follow what Muhammad s.a.w. said, is to follow Allah. So  I guess it's easier to love Rasulullah s.a.w. when it gets tough to like your dad.

2. My primary school senior who I kind of had a major crush on back when I was a juvenile, who lost his father, through I don't know how (maybe I should ask) and I don't when (maybe since primary school) initiated a conversation with me today on Facebook. It happens episodically in certain times of my life, maybe once every 2 years, but at least it's regular. Anyway, he reminded me that I should be thankful that I still have a father. There are many outside who don't have a father. Or have worser fathers.

3. I believe I like certain types of music because of my father.

4. I believe that I'm of a calm disposition because of my father.

5. I believe that I become a better person in trying to not have the qualities in me that I dislike in my father.

6. I should be thankful because he works and earns a regular income.

BUT...

I really have troubles liking my father... and to change other people, I need to change myself. It's tough changing myself. It's tough.

I'm sorry to all the friends who ask me to iftar together, terawih together with them.. but please understand that I am more needed at home.

I wish I had an older brother or sister, but this is the situation that Allah has placed me in, this is my challenge and this is my jihad.

I feel guilty for all the people who sometimes look up to me or rely on me to do 'islamic' things, but please, friends, you can do it on your own too. You don't need me ok :) I always pray for my close friends and for myself to be closer to Allah, to always be on the straight path. I hope you can pray for me too. Just hope you learn not to expect too much for me because my family expects more from me... so it's quite heavy, these expectations. Maybe, you can try to support me too :)

InshaAllah this Ramadhan, Allah will reward us accordingly. He knows your sincerity in doing good deeds. He is the one where all things come from. It is by His permission, things happen. Even if I think things are bad now, there is good behind all things. And he won't burden me with situations which I cannot handle. I can handle this and so he has given me this. I'm just not rising up to the challenge yet.