My goals this coming AY2012/2013:

1. Monitor adik's schedule for his A levels
2. Focus completely on my modules.
3. Spend time with friends
4. Have a good waking up day like today.

it consumes.
for silly reasons.
surprise.
and jealous.

jaw drops.

you know, when your heart says one thing and your brain says another?

tell me,
who wins?

Oh and in year 2 sem 2, I finally hit CAP 3.5 Alhamdulillah.

The waves thought processes that immediately shifted.

The significant paradigmic shift of emotions.

The continuous unwavering flow of tears that I let flow in the middle of a villagers in Ban Nong Kham, amidst  knocks and shouts of housebuilders, amidst the braiding of leaves for roofs, amidst sitting down in the sun, amidst strange people... I cried. And I cried. And I cried. Because I was proud of myself.

Gave in.
But Jazmine Sullivan's song 'Lions Tigers and Bears' keeps playing at the back of my mind.

Gave in a bit only.

___

Ilhan's youth.
Parent's age.
Adik's all important year.

If you truly know me, you would ask how it affects my life so. And that I like being involved and being there for them. If you kept asking me. If you know, then know that you are indeed close to me. Please know you need to be flexible and that plans are always indefinite. I try but it's hard.

But I keep asking myself this and assuming that I know their situation too. But I don't. Increasingly it seems that they become strangers to me. It seems like it doesn't really matter if I am alone with some handful of friends. I keep feeling that I am responsible.

I tell you, if I want to go out, I have to make sure that somebody is taking care of Ilhan and that my mum is not too irritated by it. Thank God, He blessed us with an easy to handle youngest child in the family.

It's either be close to the family and spend time with them. Or go out and be involved in a lot of things, take up a lot of jobs and have a lot of money.

For now I choose the last.

And I am happy.

Though I yearn for more money 'cos it's tight right now, the biggest smiles you will find on my face are when I see and hear Ilhan's laughter or my mum's smile. Or when Ilhan is lying on my dad's lap.

I don't really need much.

But I want to tell you every thing.
___