I think I'm setting myself up for misery.

I have blocked him on WA and on FB, i'll give it 3 days. I bet he has nothing to say to me.

And I have privatised my birthday just like Nas always does it.

Just because he lives his life the way he lives it, doesn't mean everyone has to abide by it. I'm gna rebel.

What I really need is for you to give me your undivided attention once a month, not through FB where you can be doing other things online, not through WA where you be texting others too. If you can't do this... isn't it just better not be with me so I don't have to expect anything from you.

I am fleeting. I have many interests.

Astronomy. Writing. Social good. Being ethical. Being financially sound. Family bonding. Spirituality. Art and performance. Stories. I like connecting with people.

But I love writing.

Since 2 years ago, I've been with Nusantara Development Initiative. I found that this is not what I want. I want to be a writer. I've been doing it all wrong I think. Opportunities today are more than in the past. Really really really. I have seen it but I always attend the first session and then have no spirit to continue, to follow up. I need to be stronger and more determined.

My thoughts are all over the place. My writing is confusing, because I am confused.

Sometimes I feel like my life is like an internet browser. Always opening up many tabs, and jumping from one tab to the other...

I really need to be more focused.

I'm turning 23. How I live my days determine how I live my life. Time is not going slower. It is going faster. I cannot wait for things to drop on my lap. I need to commit to get them. 

I'm about to meet my mentor in a while (3h+)
And she has assigned us some tasks:
Think about where you want to be in 5, 10, 15 years.

Honestly? I don't know... 2 years ago I discovered this amazing thing called Social Entrepreneurship. And I really love it. I still like writing. But who knows what will happen in 5 years? I like planning for exhibits. I like learning about new cultures. I am not comfortable around having to rely on alcohol as part of my 'learning process to learn how something is done' that just rules out 70% possible jobs no?

I mean how can you plan for this????

I feel like I'm gna fake this 5/10/15-year plan.

But I know this immediate plan that I have:

Next Mon, clean up my room, find my money, do up my portfolio, start applying for jobs. I want to work in a vibrant and ethical place where people's voices are heard and respected. I want to use my skills. I want to make a positive impact in society, I want to write a book. I want to be a good daughter, a good sister. I want to master cooking.  I want to have a happy home. I want to be able to be closer to community. I want to learn how to set up an online shop and an online blog or work part time at at place that has both, supporting a modest appearance.

In the coming 2 years I should be able to KNOW:
1) How to set up my own website.
2) Do super good graphics and produce them
3) Eventually, how an effective organisation works
4) How to integrate social bottomline with the profit bottomline.
5) Learn how to set up an online shop. A good one.

I want to have increased my writing portfolio. (Why did I specialise in the Comm mgmt stream again and NOT TAKE ONLINE JOURNALISM? WHY DID I TAKE CRISIS COMM AGAIN?))

In 10 years I want to
1) Have some sort of online portal, trading items, stories from India to the world. India has so many awesome stuff yo.
2) Realise that I have good children and a happy family. This is important to my happiness, yet I don't see how people are integrating all.....

Within 5 years I should have settled all this. Shouldn't this be enough???

I wanna sort out my life so that I always always keep Allah in my mind. I hate that I've been in a mess since coming back from India.

Or I can just slack and get any job I get in my way.

I learnt a hard lesson today.

It's always easier to take the easy way out but at the end of the day, you are going to be asked, why you chose to do this, what made you choose this strategy, instead of others. For a campaign there's only three ways- knowledge attitude behaviour. To know which dosage of each, we should always do background research and survey..

We need to talk as a group about the FLOW of arriving at this. only 2 people to justify for the actions of the group cannot be done. More meetings are needed. We need to slot 1-2h per week to meet and talk it out/do things together.

CNM, graphic design. Our presentation slides need to be nice. The product should be creative as possible. Our mockups should be as close to our desired outcome as possible. The more you do work together, you need to keep each other positive. You'll bond. Work for it.

Matters where you begin and outcome. Need to always KNOW your audience- their knowledge, attitude, behaviour. If attitude is alr set, v difficult to change, decrease the level of unhealthy attitude to correct to healthy attitude.

I miss writing my thoughts out about issues and events around me.
Not having a high-speed computer is one of the reasons that has been holding me back.

- changing nature of news. we are in an exciting time right now. really.

- that sloppily done film of 'Innocents' tt I watched with Shamsydar ytday.


For the past 3 years, I was trying to figure myself out, trying to understand the world, and that was a difficult process where my thoughts were shaped by the NUS way of thinking, which is critically, and finding words for personal thoughts was quite tough too. 

It's 1.11am
and i felt like writing some emo things here

I thought I could be so driven,
but it takes so much energy
I'm not sure anymore.

I'm really scared that I've been following my brain too much in university.

WHERE IS MY HEART. :( Why didn't I have the guts to follow my heart....?