just a memory

When I woke up from a nap on my ride home this evening, 

I saw the Christmas lights in our neighborhood, 

And for less then a second I could feel that holiday joy or any joy for that matter, of pure
innocence, that i have not felt for a long while 



My sixteenth year was perhaps one of the happiest of my life,

My seventeenth year through now has been the hardest.

Each month seems to get harder and lonlier, 

Each week the night will come when I break down into sorrow and tears,

I praise God that I can finally cry again, and feel pain,
because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. 

Yet the next morning I wake up to my emotionless self, as a stone.

Above all feelings I wish I could feel love again. 

To be loved and to show love.



I miss who I really am, a person full of love, joy, and hope,

Who seeks with all his heart the very heart of God. 



When I leave for college or when I die, 

What did I do, what did I leave, what did I mean?

I'm just another memory, just another person.

I dream of being more, of God using me here,

But along with all my other dreams, they now seem so far, so unreal. 



What went wrong? What mistake did I make?

If I could know, I would take it back. 

I hang onto my God, my King,

With all my life, with all thats left of me.



...I'm waiting and hoping in this suffering...



Peace like a river quiets my soul.

It is well,

It is well with my soul.

It's just another day,
I'm feeling alone,
Feeling so far from you.
It seems I fail to do,
all the right things I should do

God,
You're all I want,
and it seems that you're the one thing I can't find.
I feel like I've tried so many times,
with silence as a reply.
I can't feel much anymore
I once had a soft loving heart
Joyous blue eyes and a sensitive soul.
But now I feel cold- physically and emotionally
Nothing seems real anymore
It's all like a dream, day after day
The colors in life have faded away
Now everything is shaded in gray
I once sought for good friends,
but never seemed to find that perfect best friend,
that everyone seems to have.
And I lost many friends while seeking.
So many times I feel like I'm on the losing side,
abandoned and alone.

I'll never forget when you became so real to me,
That time my life was so drastically changed,
I was so alive and fervent for you.
But where did that all go?
I kept on seeking you, and kept on loving you,
but now I feel worse than before.
I haven't fallen to sin, so what went wrong?

And now it becomes apparent to me,
that these are my last days here at home.
To most I'll be nothing more than another person,
Another memory, no one special, no one who changed anything.
I've prayed and tried but seemed to get nowhere.
All I can do is more of the same,
and hope that one day, you will have used me.

If there's one thing I've heard from you in this time,
It's "keep holding on."
In spite of sorrow,
your words give me strength.
Maybe this is a trial,
and you're working in my heart,
for greater things ahead,
which I so badly wish for.
It's times like these
I learn to live by faith
It's so hard, hanging on.
But I'll keep holding onto you.

Shine a Little Darker

The stars, They shine,

A little darker this night,

And every night,

You give yourself away,

To the world, to the people,

Ripping you apart,

In the smoke, in the lust,

In the lips and the flame.

This breaks my heart.

It swells with the pulse,

Of thoughts, that fear,

For where you could be.

Oh God, have mercy on us all!

Or maybe tears blur my vision.

This breaks my heart:

You give yourself away.

Why couldn’t you stand strong?

Why couldn’t you wait?

It’s not condemnation that brings me to my words,

But I love you, I care about what is best for you.

Maybe you’ll never see that.

I miss your innocent heart,

And the innocent laughter

But now flesh is stone,

And all the rocks fall together.

But then I wonder if there ever was anything real,

In your heart, or if it was all ideas;

It seems I’ve failed.

I’ve failed to be the right friend,

Failed to show concerns,

Failed to ask you if you needed help,

When you could be suffering,

The darkness alone,

And I didn’t see a crack on your face,

Or a tear in your eye.

I’ve lost my chances,

My hands are empty.

Forgive me.

I can’t decide for you,

The way you will go,

You choose what’s true,

And what is your foe

A Two-Sided Di in the Palm of Your Hand

Life, it’s so painless when all is for thrills,

Faith, only when you want it to be real

Comfort, comfort, complacency kills.

There’s more to this life than what you can feel.

Self-centered fools, it’s all about you,

Tell that to God on the day of his wrath.

Drink from the well of contempt which you drew,

Onto the road, we step off of the path

If truth is but rules, feelings, and words

Hollow our souls, and hallow our heads.

Claim that which by blood was conquered.

Leave all the shame and the sorrows for dead.

Is what you’re living for, worth dying for?

There is freedom and love forevermore.

So be it

I'll tell you why,
When you exclude,
You imply,
That you dislike,
To try,
And you hate,
So much about me.

For what you hate
Is my faith,
You think that being
A Christian is so simple,
That my life is perfect without any problems.
Tell me, do we not both bleed blood?
Do we not both cry tears?
When my heart beats,
Doesn't it sound like yours?
Life is not easy,
Though God supplies,
And my heart is complete,
I face rejection,
Temptation,
And disgust.

I wish I could know you,
I wish we could be friends,
But your prejudice,
Your dislike and disgust,
Always kill the chance.
You don't know me,
But I wish you could.

I'm not out to judge,
I'm not out to force,
You to believe in God,
But I risk my popularity,
My "status," my friends,
And my very life,
Because I love you.

If it takes my blood,
To love the ones,
that hate me,
So be it.

"Blessed are you when men hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man." (Luke 6:22)

My Words to the World

*note* "You" and "your" is meant to be plural.

This new idol is here,
Yourselves.

Killing and Burning,
Destroying and Weeping.
For what? Yourselves alone.
For your joy.
For your acceptance.
For your possessions.
For your conceptions.
Look at the Path of ahses behind you,
What do you care for those lying in them?
but for the misery it took you to walk through them.

How long will you play this game?
How long will you blame for gain?
How long will your pretending remain?
Its left me senseless and numb,
emotions are gone.
I've lost so much and gained so little,
I'm burned in these ashes
And you walk away with your head held high.

Go ahead, do as you please,
Gouge out your guilt,
Put your conscience to death,
But I promise you this,
This lawlessness will not succeed.

And this is my prayer:
"Lord, break this heart of frost.
I long to cry out to you,
but its as if there are no tears to cry.
God, only you can save me now,
Only you can heal these failures,
Only you can forgive these mistakes I've made,
That are held against me like boulders of granite.
Here is your servant Lord,
Whom you have chosen to call a friend.
By your grace you embrace us,
By your love we are forgiven,
And by your Blood we are free.
Save this world, and wipe away our tears,
That one day we may smile again,
Not the empty smile of the world,
But the real smile of love."

Jesus,
So long I’ve walked, long without living for you,
Fooled,
By the world, by pain, by false religion,
Happy,
But not happy enough,
Breathing,
But not really living.

Simply, did I look to serve you, being no more than an example of a good person,
Tired,
Of intimacy once a year, but looking for more.
Struggling on this walk, this hike when the thorns grasped my heels,
And I let go of the light that led me through the valley,
I let go, but pretended to hang on,
For the thorns were curious,
And I did not yet feel the pain.

Me,
A wall,
You.
Then I realized,
The thorns were dragging me to a pit of fire.
Then I realized,

My Jesus, You hung on that cross,
My Jesus, with sin I watched you flogged, and turned my back on you,
My Jesus, I joined the crowds spitting and condemning,
My Jesus, with sad eyes you looked on me as I nailed you to the cross.
And prayed that by your blood I might be forgiven and free.

Hallelujah, I broke and wept,
And the blood that spilt from Your body,
Made me clean,
And I’m forgiven,
And I’m FREE.

For by mercy, you picked me up by the hand.
For by grace, I’m forgiven.
For by your blood,
by the love of Christ, I am saved.

With chains on the floor I stand and I walk.

Luke 9:23-25
23 Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. 25 What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?”