my babe is coming.. he's coming.. finally.. at last..

 <3

be beautiful, but in the mind.

to be continued...?

Happy Birthday

the things i want to do, i want to do with him

i dont lik this empty feeling

:'(

im beginning to really miss him...

I realized that nothing compares to what we have developed together over the past months, weeks, days, and seconds that we have been together.

It  feels like I'm fighting a battle within myself.

I still have my boyfriend. I can happily say that I am relieved by that. I don't want those feelings about having to break up with him to come back. It frightens me, and having to do that would be the most difficult thing in my life thus far. I'm fighting every thought and reason for that, and trying to look forwards, and not behind me of what happened today. This will be hard, but its a new year, and maybe this will be my goal, my new years resolution. I'm going to try my best. I've made my decisions to be with my beloved, and I will try my best to work towards that. I am going to try and promise myself that. First week back in berkeley will be very weird, I will have to miss out on most of the events and parties happening at that frat. Hopefully it wont affect me a lot, but I know I do not like the feeling of missing out if people I know are going, but I guess I'll have to make sacrifices. Maybe I'll go out to eat those nights, or play some card games. It's just the experience of feeling music in the air and the lively atmosphere, and good company. As long as I get past the first week, I can continue on my daily routine of classes, etc. And we'll see how life goes on from there.

the shock is over, reality is hitting me and im panicing now

I am at a very weak point in my life right now.

feeling stressed this way isnt healthy. ive been feeling light headed and nauseated all day.

is this necessary? does this need to happen? please give me a sign.

inspired

feel alive, inspired, to make, create, do.

A lovely poem by him

I'm working here, 

thinking "oh dear."

I'd much rather be with you, 

even though we often have no clue, 

...on what to do.

Spending much time and money, 

I don't mind if I'm with my honey. 

How I long to see her smile, 

even if its just for a short little while.

She means so much at the same time so little, 

I blame this pain on my heart, it was a bit to brittle.

Sooner or later, the pain will subside, 

the real question is will we continue, or divide?

No matter what the future will be, 

I wish happiness on both, I and she. 

it feels like i fall for him a little bit more each day by day, more care and love, yet it doesnt seem lik trust has changed much with him. idk if he feels he feels any more love or care for me, but im afraid that there wont be enough time for us to develop the trust, yet ill still try, what do i do now, do i still let myself grow more of these feelings, or protect myself and brace for the worst? idk what i should do right now

Picking up the pieces

And today ended as a normal day. We took a very nice quiet nap after out bike ride from sweet basil. the bike ride was so peasant and relaxing. it was through santa fe dam, the weather was perfect and it was near sunset. it was just the two of us. we ate a total of almost 7 pizzas? yes i finally got some. no more complaining from me! and those dumb cars didn't let us pass by. rude! but riding back was lovely as well, we were doofuses baffoons taking pictures of our bikes in the middle of the road lol. wth were we thinking! so embarissing but it was so funny though haha, glad a memory like that was made today. we also saw a coyote! they are real... once at home, we collapsed in his bed. I could not imagine how perfect we fit together as a puzzle. my arms under his head, his head on my chest, my legs over his legs, his under mind, while at the same time we were hugging each other, both of us so comfortable. we were intertwined together in a way that it would've made us a puzzle to take apart. I know the pieces are broken, and we are putting it back together right now.  am here with him to pick up our puzzle pieces and to solve our puzzle once more, putting each piece back together one by one, each day by day, until we can solve the puzzle and reconnect every broken puzzle back together.

*image: January 4th Sweet Basil Santa Fe Dam Bike Rike, "We have a long road ahead of us."

today was beautiful. it was lovely, and wonderful all together. not only that, we reached a stage in our relationship where we have never been before; he pooted. loud and proud in front of me. loud and proud. and that was the most beatutifullest thing i have ever witnessed. dis guy ;)

I want to wake up, and have him be the first person I see.

Forever More

i see him sleeping, peacefully, on my bed. At least in this state, he doesn't have to think of all the thoughts hes been thinking, or anything about how he feels. I watch him there thinking to myself how terrible i feel, just terrible, that i had let the love of my life undergo this kind of feeling. how could i do this, how could i do this to him. i feel so ashamed of myself. i just want him to be happy again, i want to be the one to make him smile again. i know the trust is lost, but it can be regained. i know we are still there inside each other. we've seen it come out, those days where it feels like nothing is wrong, and everything seems right again. we CAN bring it back. he IS all that i need. he IS enough for me. I feel that communication gap closing in. we've never talked so much about everything before. my gap is gently closing, now i have to close his gap. trust. but how. only time can heal something lik that. it isnt as easy as communication, trust is much harder to heal. and at this moment, time doesnt seem to be on my side. i only have two weeks, and that has to be enough time for me to at least gain some trust back in him. i fear this ultimatum. i dont want the end to come. yet i cant let him feel lik he cant trust me while i am up there. i have to show promise, and some how prove to him that things will be alright, and that things will get better again. Ive gotten strong feelings back now, feelings that went from nothin to somthing. he made it come back. i thought i had lost it, but he knew there was somthing inside me all along, just like i know there is something inside him. yesterday was one of the most normal days we have had in a long time. everything felt right, like we were back to the old us, we snuggled, nuzzled, got it on, nibbles, tickles, layed with each  other, talked and joked around with each other. it brought back memories of how we use to be and it felt so right, there was nobody in my mind other than him. i missed that alot, i missed it so much. i miss HIM so much right now. even though he is still right in front of me sleeping, i miss him already. i spent the entire day with him, but it didnt feel like i was spending it with the ivan i know. he didnt say much today, as if there is no emotion in him. and i am trying, and i will try harder, but it is so discouraging when you get no bit of emotion or any result that what i am doing is working. why have things changed so suddenly after just one day, one day he is so full of love and determination to be with me, and the next, it seems like he is ready to give up. which is how it seems like right now, but if two people begin to give up at the same time, there wont be a relationship. i cant let this relationship die when two people are still in love with each other, thats why i am left right now still trying. what is going to happen to us, i wish someone could just tell us. i cant stand this countdown til the end of winter break. i honestly have nothing left for me if he leaves me. ive made him my everything, and if he leaves, ill be left with nothing. i want him so bad.

Please. This human being,
he is my one in a million.
Never have I met such a person
who is so caring and loving as him.
I realize, he is more than I can ask for,
and by that, I should as for no more.
For all  I want is him,
and for him, to want me forever more.

my biggest lost, is to lose this human being ive grown so close with, so intimate, creating such a bond that is unlike any unique bond i have ever created with another human being before

lets make more new memories together again? together

everything hurts again, and he doesn't seem to want me

I'm exhausted of feeling this way too.

the end.

sometimes i just want to disappear, and wonder how life would be without me

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

- Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

flashback; throwback; the days

had a nice dinner today at Cheesecake Factory with a couple of close homies and my boyfriend. he was sleepy hehe

such focus and determination, i lost this game.. for now.

maybe all he needs is space. maybe we just jumped right back into the relationship to soon, and maybe he needs the time now, maybe he wasn't fully able to get to wrap his feelings around the situation. maybe he thought he was ready, maybe now he's taking the time he needed all along. give him the time he needs. if i keep pushing, i would only be pushing him farther and farther away. patience.

rainy days like this...

today was simply beautiful. we did not get out of bed for more than an hr. just laid there together, in our arms, under blankies, and it was raining outside. how much perfect can it get. we ate popcorn, saw a movie together, wrapped up tight. took a little nap. it was lovely. fooled around. he kept pinching me and stuff. my pet peeve and now he knows it! it was lovely as it can get. i saw him laugh. i saw his smile. it made my life feel worth it again. i know i sound dramatic, but sometimes life needs to be dramatic.

"When you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change your feelings because it’s the mind that gets angry, but the heart still cares."

I don't know a perfect person. I just know flawed people who are still worth loving.

Somewhere between here and there, I found you.

got one of my final grades back. first time at berkeley to get a C.

my bucket list

1. cold play concert
2.



 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWLpTKBFcU

i see a bright light at the end of the tunnel, and no, im not "heading towards the light," its hope.

i always thought humans were the only ones that could feel emotions, i guess elephants do too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjtrdpSwEUY

i dont deserve to have to old him back yet, i guess not anytime soon, i have to suffer much longer before i can be able to see the old him again...

you have to relax, you have to calm down jenn. you cant be here thinking all day of what may or may not happen. you cant read peoples minds, or try to read or imagine what others are thinking. trying to read someones thoughts will just drive you insane. you have no control over that, over what other people are thinking. you have to calm yourself down, think about what you have to do, you have to study, you have to focus. control your mind, and be strong.

i want to say i love you to him again, i just dont know when he'll be ready to accept it.

i dont know what to say in this blog anymore. sometimes it mades me sad, that when i text him, i dont receive the same kind of replies i use to. i learn never to take things for granted anymore. even the tiniest things like this. like how he texts me. theres so much little things now that i can appreciate. its all about the little things. i see those pictures on my walls, and i just learn to appreciate every single moment of it. the bike rides, eating out, walking anywhere together. everything is so precious. holding hands. a single hug. i go by each day, asking, are things going to be alright. and im just too scared to ask him that for I am afraid what he'll say. and i rather just wait. i think about that every day. the fear that things wont be alright is always there. i care for this someone dearly, if only he could see that again. see though everything and see the open arms. maybe im living in a fairytale, hoping for the perfect fairytale ending where we ride off in horses together. but what can i say, im a romantic sometimes, i like doing things for others, surprise them in the corners of their room, play a song on the violin Ive been practicing all day for, maybe even on the guitar, make a little homemade gift every now and then, show him he means something. sometimes i just want to cry, and dont stop crying until it puts me to sleep.

patience jenn. its an unsettling feeling, but its something you have to deal with for now.

i feel lik we have it all going for us, everything points to it, the evidence is there, we can still talk, regain communication, look at each other, smile, laugh, the only nuisance is trust, which can be redeveloped again, and pain, which will gradually go away and not persist. once those nuisances all go away, all thats left is what we are, what we have, us.

i feel and sound so stupid right now, literally. nothing is coming out, why arent there any tears anymore, i feel my chest throbbing, i feel my breathing quicken, i feel the physical feelings of crying, but there are no more tears. have they all run out... i need him with me, we need to be with each other NOW and i dont want to let him go, never again

i miss him so much right now.. :'( i want to see him so badly

every time he tells me hes in pain, i feel for him. i feel pain too. i feel pain when he tells me those things. and i also feel pain randomly throughout the day because of what happened. i know pain is only temporary. and it will go away. i just wonder when it will. i wonder what would make it go away faster. is it the foods i eat. the things i do. the amount of exercise i get. who i am with? i want to make him feel better, do things together to remind him that things are going to be alright, that things are going to be okay, that he will be okay as well. and the more you think that, the more it would start to come true.

I have always thought that the more you concentrate on something, the more you think about it, the liklier you can make it happen. each day, i try to think about how things can get better. with every bad thought that pops into my mind, i try to think of 3 good thoughts on top of that, and i concentrate hard on that until believe it. the mind is a hard tool to control, but the mind is what controls your emotions. every now and then, when i do feel my chest getting heavy, i think of those 3 good thoughts that reminds me why i have to keep going, the thought that pain is only temporary,  the thought that he is worth it all, and the hope that things will get better

i hope things are on their way to getting better, and the pain i feel has lessened from the beginning. at least realizing that makes me feel somewhat better that pain does not last for ever, that it will lessen in time. which it has. the only thing that can feed this pain is if something drastic were to happen again. i do not want to grow apart, i do not want this to end, i want this to work. i believe it can, the evidence is there, all signs point to it, i believe we truly can, with will and determination, possibilities are endless.

Aviation is proof, that given the will, we have the capacity to achieve the impossible

we will be with each other together

the pain will subside each day by day 

our hearts will be mended together

the pain will subside each day by day

with will there is nothing to stop us

the pain will subside each day by day

with pain it is only temporary

it will subside each day by day



the growth of love as the ability to triumph over the greatest of adversaries 

the feeling when your heart drops. the sinking feeling you feel when your chest becomes heavy. you feel like you cant breath. you gasp for air. hyperventilate. its unescapable. no matter what you do, its there. and it lingers. it hangs around you. and it hurts, its pain. i dont know what to do about it. i want it to go away. the only person that can make it disappear is him. im trying to make him feel better. to erase any bad memories. i want his pain to subside too. it want it to go away, slowly each day, til it disappears. so that maybe, my pain will go away too. because my pain screams in agony for the pain the he feels. my only cure is the riddance of his pain. and to make him smile. make him happy again. make him feel what he once did. because i really do love this person. and because of that, i want to make him feel good, feel happy, feel no pain, but bliss. let me make it go away. let me make it all go away.

i need to start eating again, those 3-4 days with out sufficient enough of food, i think really did something to my stomach. i hope its not permanent, i know its not. showering yesturday, i could see my pelvis bones, like more than usual, and i just thought to myself, yea pelvis bones.. sexy.. but really, thats unhealthy. even just noticed right now, i havent taken a poopsie in days. I woke up today, not really feeling hungry, but weak, and my stomach still didnt want food. but i know i have to eat. just went out, ask patty if she had any food that didnt take to long to defrost since all my food takes forever. i ate my left over bowl of rice from a couple days ago, her chicken, and canned corn, and water. i was eating the rice till i saw mold. gross, tossed that thang! so just had corn and chicken, but dont for get the soysauce! after i just took a multivitamin, i hope i get my strength back soon. ive been feeling shitty for a while now, i want to feel better, i know that will happen.

maybe there is hope...

I don't want anything for Christmas, I just want him. I just dont know if he wants me

Sometimes i think, can this incident honestly happen again? something like this does not happen twice..

The first mistake that I have EVER done in almost 2 years, 21 months, 91 weeks, 639 days, might just cause the end of everything...

why jenn why.. why did you do this to us, you hurt the only person that you love most in the world. and now you may never get him back, you may never be with him, you may be see him, hear him, talk to him, be able to love him ever again...you should be ashamed, you shouldve known better, you foolish bitch, you should have seen what was happening, you shouldve been more considerate, you shouldve let go of that selfishness, how did you suddenly become so selfish in the frist place?! you were never like this in your life, so how did it suddenly appear?! was it your hormones? classes!? stress!? were just filled with so many things you had to take care of that you counldnt see or think clearly!? didnt you see that you are hurting the person u care most?! how could u not realize that?! what the fuck where you thinking!? control your dam hormones. birth control pills should not be a reason for these heightened emotions. what the fuck was going through ur mind. were you even thinking!? now look what youve done...

i am so sad, there is sympathy in hhis eyes any more, no compassion, i would give anything to have that all back. i miss him so much. i miss him soo terribly much. i miss what we had, i miss it all. i want it back. and i dont want to let it go, i dont want to let everything weve built together go. hes my bestfriend.. my lover.. my adventure partner. if only he can remember that. i heart hurts so much right now. all i want are things to go back to normal. i wish i could say something to him to make him remember the things we did together. there is just so much things that we did together and every moment is flashing back in my mind, and its so painful to realize that i cant regenerate those memories and experiences with him like that anymore if he chooses to continue without me. i have no control over the situation now. i am just a sitting duck. my heart longs for him. nothing i say has an affect on him. nothing i do, everything that my heart pours out seems to only be hitting wall, and i just kills to see him shut everything that ive said down. its a pain, a different pain like no other. i know hes mad. i know hes full of rage, and im trying to understand how he feels, and believe me, and it just kills me. its riping me apart inside, and im starting to believe that that is actually happening to my body. my stomach hurts, it aches, and ive lost all appetite for food and water, i havent felt thristy at all for the last 3 days yet my mouth feels all clammy, and when i try to eat king dong, i cant take more than a few bites, before i crack up and cry uncontrollably of the inside jokes we had of king dong, big wang. pain is pain and it hurts people in different ways, and people react to pain in different ways, some people become angry, they put up a wall, they shut down, they become numb to any emotion as a defense mechanism. others, lose sleep, they dont eat, or drink, they cry, they feel weak, they feel lik throwing up, they dont have life in them any more, and they barely have the will to get out of bed. but i dont expect pity, i dont want it, and even though my roomates see me like this, i dont want them to take pity on me, just leave me be.

yes love hurts..

i feel so vulnerable right now, everything i say, im afraid will only push him farther away, i am so frustrated, how do i change things, how can i make this better is all that has been on my mind, every shut down i get from him, in his text, while facetime, crushes me so hard and i tear up after every response from him, and i try not to let that pressure me to give up trying, i feel so weak, i dont have strength, now i realize that my strength to continue the hardest things in life, always came from him, from his support.. i have no one to talk to now, no one to console me, the only thing that i have to help me through this situation is this blog to console me, the only place where i can let my thoughts flow and to not get hurt for what i say, and what i try to do. and i know i deserve this, this pain that he is hitting me with. and its pain that i just have to take in and accept because yes i deserve it. and yes, love hurts. love really does hurt. but i love him. and i will endure this hurt if that is the only way, my only chance, the only possibility that i can win him back.

pain is pain. people feel pain, sometimes for different reasons, but in the end, it all feels the same.

this pain hurts so much. just destroy me already..

i am pouring my heart and soul out for this person, and what i recieve are harsh cold replies, when i facetime, all i see are his empty cold eyes staring back at me. and it hurts.. and it hurts soo much... it just hurts soo much.. i just want to show him that things will be alright. let him know that things are going to be okay. i want to hold him in my arms and apologize to him, i want to hold him tight and tell him how sorry i am. i want him to see that i am hurt as well, that he is not alone. and it just hurts when i try so hard, when i send him heartfelt text messages from my heart, to get shut down lik that every time, and its so painful, and i cry and i cringe, in pain every time i recieve a text message like that from him. and i fall asleep, and i get dreams, that we are happy together, and i just filled overwhelmed with joy and bliss, and happiness, until i wake up and realize.. that that was only a dream.. and reality floats back and reminds me where i really am in life. in a shit hole. in pain. and my roomates see me cry, and they console me, but they can only console me for so long until they have to only leave me there, in my room, to cry by myself, alone.

i cannot bear this pain, i just wish he could understand. i wish he could see me for the girl he first met. i wish he could realize that i still love and care for him as i always did. i wish he could see that what happend was a mistake. i wish he could realize all that we created during our two years. i wish could see that everything that was created was real, and i was there all along with him to experience every moment with him. i wish he could see that i did not mean the things that i said in those facebook messages. i wish he could see that i could never let go of a person like him. i wish he could see how hard i am fighting to have this person back in my life. i wish he could see that i do feel his pain, and i feel it for him. i wish he could see that that crush that was created during those two weeks, was nothing more than a crush, and is not longer there. i wish he can understand that the emotions created, or emotions i thought i felt, were not real. i wish he could realize that true feelings/ emotions can not be created within 2 weeks. i wish he could believe that what was said to that guy were not my true feelings. i wish he could see that true emotions/ feelings, true love, true care for each other, is created throughout a months, years, and they are true feelings and strong feelings that will take a very long time to get ride of. i wish he would realize that there is a person out there that is dying to be with him, to continue a relationship, to cherish him again. i wish he would realize that this event will never happen again. i wish he could realize, that true emotions cannot be created within a week and that what was said doesnt mean anything to me, as compared to true feelings that were created together within two years.

there is truely nothing left for me. the hope that i have left lays in his hands. i have dont the worse, i have damaged our relationship and i am suffering like i have ever suffered before. i deserve all this, i derserve to feel this way for as long as i do. i will never forgive myself. i regret it all. what occured, what happend to me during those two weeks is unspeakable. that simple crush, what overcame me, is beyond who i am, the person that i recognize, how a lightweight crush like that caused me to say the unspeaking, caused me to think the impossible, damagin thoughts, what i said to that guy in just a matter of weeks, i did not mean, because honestly, how can someone suddenly feel that way in a matter of 2 weeks? i dont believe those feelings were real to me. and i still dont. what i know was real were the feelings i felt with the person i love. and i KNOW i love this guy because i am fighting so hard to keep him. to take him back. if only he knew how much i am willing to suffer, how much i will take the hate he throws at me. i will suffer all that, read all the hatred text messages he sends me, and i will take that in and try my best to be strong and continue to show him how much i care for me admist the hate that he feels towards me. and it is just so painful. when i facetime.. all i see are cold eyes, no feelings towards me. and it hurts. beause i use to see life in him, and the pain i see in him, makes me cringe and convulse every night, and i i cant help but cry outloud sometimes, and i hold it in for as long as i possibly can, i dont want to let my roommates see lik this. i feel torn apart. i never wanted somthing lik this to happen. i cry for him, i cry because when i try and see it in his shoes, i feel hurt the same way if that were to happen to me. and i understand now, how he feels, and it just kills me inside. and it DESTROYs me every single day. i just cant let him go. i made a mistake. it was an accident i shouldve realized to catch. i have no one left. there was so much more going on for us. we couldve gone soo farr together, SO FAR! and i just fucked up and messed all that up! and its all my fault!! i think of everything that we have done over the course of 2 years, and i think of every thing that we created together, that we have, i CANNOT let that go. i want to keep cherish those moments, and i want to continue creating more moments like that. please please please forgive me. i feel ur pain, i cant stand this pain, i want to make things better. it was a random crush. my hormones, the pressure of finals, these hard classes ive taken this semester, the distance from home. truely messed up my mindset, i do not love that other guy, i do not care what he is doing now, i do not care how he feels, i do not want to be with him, i do not ever want to see him again, i do not ever. ever. want to feel anything towards him again. and i do not want him to ever come into my life again. if he was a real friend, he would respected my boundaries, that i have a boyfriend. i am full of hatred for this person, i am full of regret that these crush feelngs spurred during that 2 week period. when i think back, and reflect on it now. i did not mean anything that i said to him, and i never took any actions for that. at the end of the day, i knew who i wanted to be with. i want to erase what ever i said away. i want to go to him, face to face, straight up and say, "everything i said was not reall, i did not really mean what i felt in those messages, i just said it cus i thought thats what you wanted to hear, but in truth, it wasnt how i really felt, i thought that was how i felt, but that was because u were being bias and influenced me in the wrong direction. if i did truely did have feelings for you, i wouldve choosen you, but i didnt, because when it comes down to it, i dont like you, ive never felt the same for u, and i will not be with you." if only there was a way, that i can make him see, that those messages i sent, the words that i said, does not mean to the extent that i made it seem. i came to realize, that throughout my relationship with him, i have never made a mistake, i have never done anything wrong within our 2 years, and the frist time that i do so something wrong, i may never get a chance to be with him again... if i was always starting fights, up to no good, thought out the years, i would understand, i just not that this was the frist time, i have ever done anything so bad in our relationship, and i may not get another chance... the feelings that i feel, leading up to friday, my fate, is my punishment. i just hope, there is hope for us as the days progress.

Chase the rainbow :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWswcWABE4A sick.

favorite video right now http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4469140319158

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KPWtXLfZ-g Yellow- Coldplay

Its been a Coldplay kinda day.

btw, happy special day :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE

had a serious kind of conversation with my bf. usually the conversation i would be kinda iffy on bringing up cus it kinda takes a toll on our relationship and can either tip the boat or keep it afloat. but i brought it up anyways, and im glad i did. it made me realize that im no longer afraid to to bring up risky topics, by risky, i meant topics that can make or break, topics that can change us, how we feel and think or act towards each other. but i promised to always tell him whats up, so i did. and we listened, responded, and understood, in a way that was mature and understanding. we both took it well, better than i thought, and even though it was a make or break topic situation, for some reason, it brought us closer, or at least i suddenly felt closer, more than ive ever have, now that i realized it. and its a crazy kind of feeling, where you can talk about really intense topics especially if its a topic about making it or breaking it. i feel suddenly stronger with him, our relationship stronger, especially our communitcation. its no longer text, but talking. im happy, we started of young, and growing our relationship together. this is what ive been wanting, to communicate like this to each other since communicating and being able to talk is a big thing for me. i feel lik i can truly be honest with him about how i feel, my emotions, what i want and dont want with out the fear that he wont understand, or the fear that what i say will suddenly spurr a break up. that is somthing i use to be afraid off, of rocking the boat, but not no more, i feel more comfortable and really close to him. this thanksgiving break, this entire week, has been tough, emotionally exhausting, and we were both at the breaking point in out relationship. but something happend, and we stuck together, and im not sure how, why, or what it is out there, but it kept us together admist the adversity that we may have felt. and i think back, that if that one day, we were to have broken up, we wouldnt have gotten to this point in our relationship now. and its just so crazy to think about it, after everything, he is still here with me. all the emotional distress, the thinking, the hurt, confusion we both felt, this thanks giving break ended on a good note, even though we still need things to figure out. all and all i just feel closer and more comfortable expressing myself to him, my true self with nothing, no fear, nothing held back, like i was before. is it fate or coincidence, do things happen for a reason, things that tests us, our relationship, who we are, and who we are to each other? i dont really know, but this thanksgiving break is a break i dont think i will ever forget. goodnight.

‎"Life doesn’t always introduce you to the people you want to meet. Sometimes life puts you in touch with the people you need to meet – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to gradually strengthen you into the person you were meant to become."

These past couple days have been emotionally exhausting, but time is mending and I am grateful to be loved by the person that I love most.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSwCR3mey7s

i want to go home, where it'll just be us in our hometown where we met, where everything is just how it was when i left. i want to pause time, i want to be home, i want everything to slow down for a moment just to let me breath a bit. i want to go back to the beginning, the start, time is flying by to fast, i dont feel in control, i need to get away, get away from berkeley, i need to get back to my roots, i feel lost, i need to get back to my roots, i need to get home, i need everything to go back to the way it was, i need him there, i need to see my timon. im trying to have more self control, control my emotions, my feelings, stay in control of my emotions and not let it get the best of me. i know what to do, i need to think in the right perspective. i dont want to hurt anyone any more, it hurts me a hundred times worse.

i am hurt by the terrible actions i do on to others. my heart aches for the hurt i do on to others by my own obliviousness, the obliviousness which keeps me from seeing things straight and in the right perspective

i really try to learn from the mistakes that ive done in my past relationships, first one, dont online date, 2nd one, to not be oblivious to the fact that i wasnt putting enough time in to the relationship as much as i should have. i try to learn and not make the same mistakes that i do in the past, and especially the act of not seeing things straight when i should have seen what is right in front of me, i dont want to make that same mistake of being oblivious again. someone needs to tell me when ever i am doing it. is it my fault for not seeing it? i dont know. i wish i had a little jenn on my shoulder to tell me whats up, when im being dumb, not seeing straight, perspectives. this is not who i am, i am better than this, i am classy, i put myself to a higher standard.

i just never meant to hurt anybody.

im exhausted, im tired, i havent done anything all day, but my mind has been going at it all day

there is and will always be this special spot, a soft spot for him in my heart.

i feel heartache :(

take me away i want to run away and disappear where is my pause button

whats going on in this world, everything seems so out of control

Lock the doors and turn the lights back oooooonnn!

Shine bright like a diamond! To the windows! To the walls! To the tun tun tun tun tun tun! Lol One of the best, we'll needed weekends thus far. My boyfriend came up to visit for this Veterans Day weekend, we zipped carred, got food bells at fentons, got silly drunk and loopy at a kick back, went to my classes with me, munched at manhattan burger, ate nasty buffalo wings, stocked up on snacks at CVS, ate at boiling crab, I mean rockin crawfish, shraamp was so good! Went to bake sale Betty's, ice skating! We were professionals lol, made screen prints together, watched walking dead, and South Park, had a whole mess of sexy time ;) but best of all... Nap and bum and sleep together so close and snuggly, loved napping by his side, waking up with him gazing at me like that makes me feels so loved. Also caught him slip a little poot! I know he did one, I just know it! I feel like I can be so comfortable around him and just talk to him so easily, and even when there's nothing much to say cus were both tired, it's still nice, aahhh it was so niceeeeee, it made me realize just how much I missed being around him so. Like just how we act around each other, I miss that. I can never get tired of this guy, he's like a drug, my addictionnnn ;) and I'm going to see him again... In less than a fortnight <3

One of the best things of having him here with me are early morning wake up talks :]

I gots nothing else to do but to anxiously wait!

Hhhheeeeeyy every boooddy!

"Hey dr. Nick!" Lol XD sorry for the hiatus, I've been off swimming with sea turtles of the coast of Hawaii until a lil birdie told me that I had fans or A fan waitin on me! Lol I feel the pressure to have to sound cool, now that I know someone actually does read my post even though I probably sound lame right now as i speak XD It's been practically two months since in last saw Ivan and I can't believe that it's finally gonna happen, the day we've both been waiting for and hoping would happen as soon as possible is finally here and in exactly three days he's going to be in front of me, facing me, close to me, and in my arms after the longest time ever. He's coming back up to visit me, Ivan, my boyfriend<3 I'm so excited and I've been telling everyone that he's coming up, literally all my friends, and its a matter of time! I also can't wait for him to meet my new friends not from the dorms too :) There were a couple of days recently that had made me feel distance from him, it could've been the actual distance, or it could've been the fact that we hadn't seen each other in the longest time, but those couples days were the roughest and we just didn't know what was going on. But we were finally able to figure it out and Ivan told me everything and I just suddenly felt like this weight of confusion and lack of talking was finally lifted of my shoulders, the moment he told me how he felt made me feel so much more connected to him, it's do rare that he tells me how he feels but at that one moment, I felt like I finally saw inside of him, it just made me feel as if I knew him better, as if he really trusts me in a way that he could be able to tell me how he feels, this sounds like all girls stuff lik talking about emotions and feelings, but for a while I've never felt so close to him until now. Today I really felt happy, happy in that I can actually see him trying, and that was just the best and heartfelt feeling in the world. I was telling how I wasnt feeling to good about going to physical therapy volunteer and how I felt about it, and and instead of saying the old general generic things he usually says that makes me discouraged to ask for advice from he, he instead told me something much more meaningful, meaning ful in the way that I actually noticed that he was genuinely trying to help me feel better, and I really did feel better, and it made me so happy that he actually made an effort like he said to try make me feel better ans not be a "shitty boyfriend" and i can see the difference and I can see that he's trying harder and that makes all the difference, and that moment of just hearing what he had to say made the entire difference in my day, and I decided to go to physical therapy with a better attitude than I had in the beginning. I feel suddenly so close to him, hes the one person i can feel sooo comfortable talking to,he's the one person I can feel like I can talk to about anything now, especially since he's trying harder in relation to telling me things and talking about stuff with me:) I just came off the phone with him and it was one of the best phone calls we've had in a while, it was an hour long and we had so much things to talk about,it started on a good note an it was almost endless and loved it! He is fun and enjoyable to talk to, we were just talking about random things, and plans for what were gonna do up here and it's always exciting for me to hear what he's gonna say next especially when he always starts off with " hey, so um...." And then there's always the pause where I get all anxious to hear what he's gonna say, and then he continues his sentence again hahah anyways dos mas days :)) That's him, that's my boyfriend <3 ... NOT that wee asain boy, but that hunk a hunk mexican hottie!

dont be afraid of what you 'think' you are incapable of

SUMMER!

why you so nice to me!? :))

I am so sad, I spent my entire summer away from home, my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my home, my childhood place, to be up here in berkeley going to summer school. I feel like I've missed out on so much and gained so little during my time up here, idk what it is that i gained. knowledge? not unless you end up getting a C in a class you literally studying all summer for. I just want to go home, and even if i go home, idk how i can possibly make up all the days that ive lost being up here within 2 weeks that im down there, i want my entire summer back, i dont want to grow up yet, ive been apart from home so long, i cant take it no more, its so hard, i just want to go home, i just want to go home so bad..., idk how i can make it all up, i feel lik 2 weeks is not enough down there to jus take everything baack in again, i miss my room, my old routines, last summer, everything, i want more of summer back, i want my summer back, i honestly cant take it no more, up here. im going back tomorrow, back home, i want to just stay there, and take it all in, until im ready to leave again. i feel so in pain and sad, this makes me even more afraid during the school year, idk what im going to do...why do i have to feel this way, why do i have such a strong attachment to home. im going home tomorrow 14 days total. at home, i hope those days are enough before i have to go back.

i need to have more self control

I really miss hanging out and talking to him...

=/

I'm pretty sad I'm back, I miss my family and my boyfriend back in Ballin Parque, wah I wasn't ready to leave! I saw the read chili powder that says "this is not a candy" in my suitcase and seeing that made me think of home, Ivans home where I always ate his chili...

some people are too busy growing up that they miss out on what's right in front of them

calm breezy bike ride, mini picnic with peanuts under a tree on the grass, chasing ducks, getting dizzy on the playground, long ass naps in our onsies all tangled up together, and a late night movie and seinfeld with you laying leaning on me

i enjoy these nights.

Lover... friend... adventure partner ♥

Do something every day that scares you.
If you’re nervous, you’re doing something worth living for.
Screw logic, chase thrills and emotion.

"Don't expect anything, then everything will be a surprise :)"

track.

That was all I thought about in high school. It all started junior year when i decided to join on a whim.we alwasy had these duffel bags and I would always love carrything them around. everysingle day. and when sesason was over, i missed it. It didnt matter if it was heavy, i just loved carrying itc it. it told mpl that i was in track. and i was proud of it and didnt mind carrying it to and fromclass any where. ive never been more passionate about anything in my life other than track. nights like these i think back to it. just like i did in high school during track season, right as i was inb ed trying to sleep. hurdling would pop into m head. it was all i thought about. replaying the races in my mind, in slow motion, plannig out every step and movement to be perfect and exact with perfect timeing and the right technique, imagining myself in that race. becoming mentally prepared. no matter waht, everythimg i imagine myself in a hurdle race late at night, my hearts just starts to race, as if i was there myself at the starting line. ive never loved anything more than those seasons that i was in track. it biult mycharcter, who i am as a person, my teamates where the pppl that molded me to who i am today. they opened me up. it was an experioence. couldnt keep track out of my ind, it was somting that i can be silly while at the same time totallyserious about foused, oh edge. i was ready. the adrenaline always pumps when i really thinka ob it . just lik tonight when i catch myself layingin bed, eyes sclosed trying to sleep. then i start thinking about track and doing hurdles, and iamgineing myself coming back there to baldwin park high school with juan and showing the new hurdle kids a thing or too about hurdling. jennifoo'1 is what htey call meh.i lloved it. i loved that atmostphere, especiallyt hose early morning waking up at six am. i didnt mind it. i ever hated it . everytime my alm clock rang. i woke up excited ready. never ahve i ever dreaded dwaking up early for track. not for track., never for track. those meets. always chill and intense in the same settin. so relaxing to sit back and watch the races go and cheer ur teemates, untill its ur tunr and its intense whem youstart to war up and that ur ready and next to hit the startin line with alll eyes and spectators and ur teamates andall the ppl you know there watching. watching you. everyone.laying all on the tracks. leavinnig al on the track.whatever it takes. coming home exhausted, i didnt mid, suffering from shin spints, limping to class, having to ice and massage my shins every single night till it got better, i didnt mind, wrapping them to class every single day? i didnt mind, i loved it. it was al part of track. part of being in track that i love, sweating under the hot sun, doing warmups together as a team, running, . racing. chillin relaxing lounging aroudn when practice is over. 3.99 pizza compnay after big meetes. just kickign back. banquet making track videos, takeing pricture thougout the entire season just ot ake a montage of the entire season on to a 30 minute dvd during banquet that took more than days to put together. i twas all worth it. and i never minded a bit. sometimes i want to go back. just to see waht it was lik again. but i cant. and its preetty sad, but all i can say is i love track.

‎"Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever. "- Lance Armstrong

"People do change"
"Sometimes it's awesome...and sometimes it's a sad thing... :/"

I'm going to miss waking up next to you hun

I AM EXCITED.

that is all.

the fact that i just noticed that his birthday is in 2 hours made my heart race and pumping

FASSTT

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it stupid." -Mr. Einstein

"think about it if it happens" - duttasho

without words

its almost uncomprehendable, doesnt freak out, doesnt over think, understands, forgives, real, logical, accepting, sso cool, in control, almost everything that i am not. the qualities that i admire, i admire him.

:'(

i dont know why i start all these stuff. i need to keep school apart from my life. its affecting me too much the wrong way. i put my frustrations of school on to other people who dont deserve it at all. i dont want this to be how i spend the rest of school. i want to stop it and keep it apart but i dont know how.

I already miss him, but I don't know if he feels the same about me...

i guess im pretty excited about the new semester

Going to have a fresh start, going to loosen up on the school stuff for a bit, unlike last year where people were like, "dang jennifer! you're so on top of it!" Its not a bad thing, just being on top of it all kind of drained me out a little bit. I'll still be on top of it this year too, but at least I know now that there are more hours in a day than I thought, to get done what I need to get done. heck! I can go for a hike in the middle of the day then walk to school for class, then maybe go for a run right afters! This year sounds like an adventure >:) And once I'm back to the North-north side HOOD, I'll be eager and awaiting my visit from my hubby ;3

I like how we can talk about some pretty intimate stuff :]

only with him E>

oh geezes hehehe ;))
"licking fights"
nibbler
"but momma! my back momma!" hhahaah
acting silly and retarded

what ppl hear when they walk by ivans bedroom=probably wtf! lol cus all the hollaring and squeels when he tickles or tries to get me back lol

santa fe dam
hiking
LA mexican place

Running is the classical road to self-consciousness, self-awareness and self-reliance. Independence is the outstanding characteristic of the runner. He/she learns the harsh reality of his/her physical and mental limitations when he/she runs. He/she learns that personal commitment, sacrifice and determination are his only means to betterment. Runners only get promoted through self-conquest----Noel Carroll (American philosopher)

Golden Ox is our restuarant!

Today was just simply lovely. My favorite days are the days that we get to just sit and talk, eat out, take a walk, hang out with his bros and sis's, nap, watch a movie, or just do something simple and enjoyable together.

Is it weird that the moments where I really feel the most special, cared for, loved, is when theres a lot of commotion, things going on with a lot of people talking here and there, a situation where its so easy to get distracted among the hooblah,... and I suddenly see him, gazing at me through the distractions, giving me that look, the only look from one special person that makes me feel so warm inside.

i lub mah perry da platypus

hahahah.

Hahaha so fun opening our presents (me&ivan). His face on his space blanket all retarded looking and UUGGGLLY!! lol Evelyn, Angel, Uvannia, Emmanual were all in his room seeing what we all got. I got a sick-o looking aviator jacket! I ain't just a thug motorcycle gang, I'm a pilot now! Just need my aviator glasses and trustee assisticant to fly my plane/rocket ship to the mooooon! Also brought our gifts over to his parents cus they were all curious what we got each other, I got him The Towers of Hanoi (cool puzzle game cus I know he likes his puzzles:]) that we tried to figure out and solve it in 15 tries lol a Radiometer (physics thingamabob, because he's my physics nerd ;] <3) and I made him a space blanket(in 2 days because we both share the fascinating in space)! He also got me a PERRY THE PLATYPUS!! whatt!! It's joining the timon and pumbaa family lol and also a scottish skirt heehee!! (does scottish irish tap dance). Oh! also made un Casa de Mercado a christmas card! It was bacon, and I tried my bestest to write in Spanish with all the Spanish I know! and I also made Ivan a minion christmas card from Despicable Me :) So surprised with everything, and today and tonight was simply lovely.

“I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”

When you're around someone so much, they become a part of you, and when they go away, you don't know who you are without them.

I LOVE THESE PEOPLE :}}

I think if you take it easy, you'll enjoy life more ;]

I want to take a picture with Santa for christmas.. =/

I wish I had more to write in this blog. I'll start now. I don't know if these are my hormones speaking or not but I just feel lifeless right now. Not the lazy, tired, dead kinda lifeless, but more like the I'm not looking forward to anything kinda lifeless. Like christmas is around the corner, but I'm not looking forward to it. It feels like it's going to be a disappointment that day. Not because the usual, "I didn't get what I want, so imma smash up all my chocolates," but the disappointment where you expect something to be really thoughtful, especially during christmas time, but its not so thoughtful at all. It makes me depressed thinking about it right now, even if it's something that might or might not happen. Today was just a lifeless day, depressing...

Not even new years. I don't know whats going on me with me :( I just wanna be sad

Beneath the nerd, lies a gangsta.

i wish i liked hot chocolate, so that i can drink it with all my friends by the fireplace :(

I gots the feeling where I just want to pounce on the weak!!! >:D

life is good meng

“Your entire universe is in your mind and nowhere else. To expand the universe, expand your mind.”

The mariachi music is suddenly being blasted next door.

and I like it.

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” -Ernest Hemingway

I'll always got yo back!

http://thisbemadness.blogspot.com/

fact#1 I like waking up to Telephone by Lady Gaga

I tried my best and that's all that matters :]

I don't compare, I don't envy, I don't boast, I don't brag. I learned this fascinating subject, and I enjoyed every part of the way. The time and effort was all put to good use and the knowledge that I gain cannot be taken from me :)

“Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That’s because they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things” -Steve Jobs

&Idon'teverwantittogoaway!

today was so fun and awesome, its redonculous. lol

DIS GUY! we act like we're best buds, we joke, we laugh, we mess around, he's not only my bestest funnest friend, he's my cuddle buddy, my nibble partner, my boyfriend ;)

‎"I have no special talent, I am only passionately curious." -Albert Einstein

well said my colleague.

guess where I'm at? HOME! DATS RITE MENG!

swoon

I wish I didn't get styes =/

break goals

- be more comfortable and outgoing with his cousins
- hang out with everybody whether they like it or not
- be a vegetable
- ...

LUNAR ECLIPSEE!!!!

to my padawan

Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past .. stop planning the future .. stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel .. stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel and sometimes we just have to go with "hakuna matata"

‎1) How we met: through daniel
2) Your name in my phone: Le
3) Are you important in my life: i gueeeesssss
4) Who you are to me: my grrrrlfran
......5) What I like best about you: your active personality
...6) What I don't like about you: your face! Pwahaha
7) Favorite memory: climbing the roofs of bp among others *nudge nudge*
8) First impression: that asian girl is a handful
9) Do I challenge you to put this as
your status

why do some people believe life's a competition or a race? pshhh i go CRUIISSSINNN'

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”

I am not typical Asian, but rather an Asian with a Mexican mixed cultural background with spunk ese!!

I know I have to give him some space, but I just freaken miss him so much

i feel so hard, so hard, so deep...

however far away i will alway love youu however long i stay i will always love you whatever words i say i will always love you i will always love you

when ever im alone with oyou
you make me feel lik i am home again
whenever im alonne with you
you make me feel lik i am home again
wenver im alone with you...
you make me feel lik i am young again
wenever im alone with you
you make me feel lik i am fun again

how ever far wawy i will alway love youu
however long i stay i will alwaosy love yo u
whatever words isay i will always love you
i will always love you

wenever im alone with you
you make mefeel lik i am freea gain
wneever im alone with you
you make me feel lik i am free again
however far away i will always love you
howeer long i satay i will always love you
watever wordsi saw i will always love you
i will always love youuu

i hate waking up to bad thoughts.. why does it feel like he doesn't want to talk to me no more.. should i not push it? would that only make it worse? am i just overthinking? idk i j feel real sad right now, and have no one to talk to, i want to talk to him but.. doesn't seem like really wants to talk to me.

I've got the best boyfriend ever, TAMALES!!

Willie nillies all overr!!!

We had a lovely talk at the park today, I feel so close to him.

my sweetheart of mine

“As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn’t work for me. I’d just rather sit at home and read, or go out to dinner with someone, or talk to someone I love, or talk to somebody that makes me laugh.”— Daniel Radcliffe

im so happy right now, everything feels so right.

relationship, friends, family, errthang.. maybe not the weather hehe ;)

JENNIFOO IS BACK.

they say you can only choose 2 out of 3 things in college: a social life, good grades, or sleep

I feel as if I've chosen sleep and good grades, and left the later to suffer to the point of no return.

"I think happiness is overrated, truthfully. I do," he says. "I think sometimes you're happy, sometimes you're not. There's too much pressure to be happy. I don't know. I don't really give a sh--. I know I will be at times and I know I won't be at times. Satisfied, at peace, those would be more goals for myself."

"... no true democracy is attainable when the process is determined by economic power. We come to you at a time when corporations, which place profit over people, self-interest over justice, and oppression over equality, run our governments."

how do you become so close, and then not close at all?

Dorm friends, where have you gone?

i have no idea when hes gonna come! aahh!! but i left the keys outside!

"...and in the moment, I swear we were infinite."

awesome time skyping :3 2 weeks! & really chill night with patty, jisel, maki, aditya and the guys place & most of all skyped with my mom and dad :)

Times like this when I think about him late a night, I get teary eyed of how euphoric and lucky I feel every day that he's in my life ;3

my lovable hunnybunny ;3

why can't I go home..

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you E>

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Hmm the truth comes out afterwards doesn't it? I'm a better person than you and I know it.

I'm not going to a let a really really bad biology teacher steer me away from a subject that I'm beginning to like. This one teacher is not going to make me change my mind about biology. I'm going to pull through it like I've pulled through things in high school and i WILL get an A in that class >:|

taking care of my jumping beans :)

live a little? WTF.

I DO LIVE. A LOT.

Why is it that you ALWAYS wake up before getting to the best part of your dream

ALWAYS!!!

Cool dinner at the House of Inbar today

dorothy invited me and aleli over to danny adityas shovik jeffs place to have dinner, but wen we got there danny was the only one that was actually making dinner, and i guess he was only make dinner enough for me aleli dorothy and himself so we just sat on the ground and at dinner, he was like on a date with all of us ahha plus there was wine?! he made tasty mini pizza and brought out salad and even made us desert, a chocolate bowl with icecream and frozen blueberries in the middle!? wtf! fancy living! lol then just placed egyptian war and wen home, lol that was fun ahahha

imissyouso.

It doesn't matter how busy I am, I'll always have time for you.

What is this!? A center for ants?!

"That's what losers say lol"

Man, that's heavy.

If life gives you lemons, you paint that shii GOLD!

I had tried weed a couple days ago and actually felt high for the first time, all MADNESS. Everything was MADNESS! Scary, trippin' balls. People wouldn't stop moving around. Intenseness OUT OF CONTROL. I couldnt even go pee :(

Please don't go, I'll eat you up, I love you so.

I had a real good & fun time skyping with my mom, tommy, and errbody tonight

i miss my momma! fun!
- errbody!
- ivans creeper head on my desk!
- food!
- tommy little switzerland!
- home :)

I haven't had so many people "like" my facebook status in such a long time. I had 13 people.

i just want to be hurt.

he's so handsome; he's so attractive; he's so lovable ;]

"Let me tell you one last thing" lol

oh good news! he's flying wit MEH!

this is a Christmas miracle!!!!

Sometimes it's better to follow logic than emotions you petty fool!

This is different than logic vs the heart by the way. Heart and emotion are 2 different things.

Sometimes I get pissed over things that I find out are so stupid and not worth getting frustrated about. I overanalyze all the little things because I see them as having a deeper underlying meaning to it. hah. I just said the definition of "overanalyze" just now! Screw AP English, thinking that theres an underlying meaning to every sentence in the book, when I could've just kept it simple and read what was there... I got pissed yesterday because I thought there was some deeper meaning to his actions. But when he asked me, "what's the underlying meaning then?" I thought of it. And the more I thought of it, the more stupid it got because what I thought of obviously wasn't true.. at all. I had a hard time telling him what the meaning was cus it was so STUPID! What a jackass mcgee of a fool I am to think that that "underlying meaning" was the meaning for his action. What I thought of was completely "wtf". It was "are you for serious?!" and in my mind, I was beginning to feel more lame because I was mad at this stupid action that was just suppose to be what it is, without no other meaning.

So I knew I was frustrated at something I wasn't at all suppose to be frustrated about. But why was I still mad even though I knew that I wasn't suppose to be mad? Maybe it's because of my pride. Maybe I was just mad at myself for being such a lameass, for acting a fool. Maybe I couldn't face that fact that I was wrong and he was right. I'm hells glad he was right though. Someone had to be and I'm glad it was him that pointed it out than any other person.

Why do I have to be frustrated when theres nothing to be frustrated about? Emotions can really mess with your logic of things...

I am a retard when it comes to meeting people and shaking hands... or not shake hands, maybe wave? Give them a hug? smile and nod? huh?

I'd overanalyze all the little things and hold a grudge.

Keep your cool Jennifer

I don't care what I'm doing, how long I'm doing it, as long as I enjoy the process, thats all that matters. Going with the flow, is the way to go!

It feels too calm up there right now...when I come up, I'm bringing chaos with meh

"...when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past..."

- Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five

I remember waking up one morning and randomly blurting out "I know what the meaning of life is!"

This was a couple months ago when I was living in the dorms with my roommate Aleels and Doors. I told Aleels that I woke up from a dream and the thought just randomly popped in to my mind. I told her that I believed the meaning of life was to engage with other people. To Know, to meet, to befriend, and then learn from them. To make to create relationships with others as friends or significant others and to learn what they know, teaching one another. Then moving on and meeting others and learning from them too. Or is the meaning of life learning now??

During the summer, I've been doing some thinking. I've met people, talked to them, and learned that there is even a bigger picture than just learning or engaging with people that is the meaning of life. Biologically speaking, after reading some of the Selfish Gene and talking to Ivan and his cousins, scientifically, our meaning is to pass on our genes to the next generation at all costs.
I believe the simple answer to the meaning of my life is happiness.

Generally, we do anything that brings us, or would bring us happiness. Such as believing in religion. There is no religion, there is only happiness that comes from believing in the many religions that are out there. People will believe and do anything that brings them happiness. Love brings happiness. Believing in a higher being brings happiness. Learning and engaging with other people maybe also bring happiness to those who seek it. Every single action that a person does is for the chance of achieving happiness, even though the process may sometimes not be a happy one. You do and believe whatever makes you happy.

"Life should be lived on the edge, see everyday as a true challenge and then you'll live your life on a tight rope." - Philippe Petit

Have you started living on the edge yet? How do you know when you are? How do you know when you have? How would you feel? What does it mean to live on the edge, to live to the fullest? You may say you are, but what are you doing now that makes you say so?

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

begins.. TONIGHT!!

Completely solved a rubix cube today :D

Momentous day in history. Aint nothing complicated about it!

I just want to smother him right now!

but I can't because he's sleeping on my bed ;) At times, I wish I could give him a tight hug or a kiss or a cuddle that would be worth all the summer days packed into one. I just want to be near him for as much as I can. I feel so rushed. I can't stand that feeling. Whenever I feel rushed, I feel as if my mind/body just freezes in panic mode, which doesn't help if it makes feel as if I'm at a standtstill >< The guy is freaken amazing. I am unworthy!!! jk. but sometimes I think that for fun. Knows what he wants, in control of his feelings, never freaks out, so fun, cares, affectionate, listens, understands, COOL, everything thats considered awesome amazing extraordinary one and only, funny, silly, ruh-tarded, dark, tall, and handsome, cute, adorable, loves me, love him to death, MY Ivan Valentin Mercado.

I've told him that I love him, but now I feel it more than ever c;

"Our awareness is all that is alive, and maybe sacred in any of us. Everything else is dead machinery."

- Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions

yes... I am still reading this book >.> but its AMAZING! (courtesy of Ivan Mercado)

"If all writers would do that, then perhaps citizens not in the literary trades will understand that there is no order in the world around us, that we must adapt ourselves to the requirements of chaos instead."

- Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions

Caught up a weeks worth of not seeing him in lik 2 days! boss! E>

been knocking out pretty early and waking up early! i like dis!

unconventional

today was really really awesome.

- chilled with Ivan at my house
- biked to eat China Gate with Ivan and Daniel
- biked to Daniel's house to chill
- played pool, hookah, and shots! or a shot.
- talked about nonsense (dorothy oooo!)
- tag team biked to In-n-out

I love flirting, messing around, and being silly with my boyfriend <3

Summer, I'm feeling the dread that my lazy afternoons, my everyday bike rides with Ivan, the bum days that we have at each others casas, and the careless worry of school are inevitably ticking to a close.

The bestest person in the whole wide world. 

I don't want it to go away, I want it to stay! and with everything along with it! I love the cool afternoons when I spend it with him. Sometimes just sitting and catching the breeze on his roof and talking, or watching a movie  or nap in his room, we could just be watching tv with his brothers and sisters in their "library" or bike ride home to my place. And when he comes over to my place, we bum it allday errday! sometimes getting some baskin robins, watching a movie, or eating my vietnamese food that I make for him, or just snuggling up and taking a nap. I love the jump bear hugs that I'll attack him with, where I'll just stick to him and won't ever let go unless he force pulls me off of him. I'll even climb my way to the top and give you a little peck! :3 Our tickle fights are deadly. Pinned to the ground, struggling, were the perfect match for each other, I ain't ever gonna give in! You can tickle me to death all you want! I'm just waiting for the perfect moment where I'll swoop from under your grip and take you down like theres no manana. This aint no girl fight ladies and gentlemen. 


More than anything, I've also grown to feel really really close to him. More than the beginning of summer.  I know I went through a phase where I was just paranoid, and it was just hard for me to believe and see what was really there. And that was because I was afraid, I didn't allow myself to trust my heart or my mind. I was more petty, I worried about petty things, made a big deal about petty things that I wouldn't even bother being worried about now. I hope what I say now doesn't jinx anything ><. I cringe just talking about my past, and I still get scared sometimes that that mindset would come back. But as the summer progressed, that side of me definatley faded. I was feeling more confident, and I trusted myself more than ever. For sure, the talks that I had with him really made me feel closer and connected with him.  I just wanted to let him know the thoughts in my mind, tell him what  I was thinking, and tell me what he was thinking. 


I felt free-minded to be silly again and not worry about nonsense things. He is there by my side, and I am there by his. I love him, He loves me. That is all the matters. We live each day in the present as it comes, and each present comes with nothing more than freaken awesomeness!


My friend Juan was surprised that I've spent almost every day of summer with him and haven't gotten tired of hanging with him everyday. I guess I'm a bit surprised too. Usually people would get tired or bored, sick or even annoyed when they start to spend a lot of time with a person, but that hasn't happened to me and Ivan, and I doubt that ever will. I love spending time with him. I don't care what we do, it could be an eventful day for of action and pizazz or the most bummiest day that not even the bummest person in the world can out bum it. And never have I once thought that I could be doing something better than be hanging with him. I just enjoy his company. He makes me smile and get the willie nillies :)

I'll take you to the moon and back hun :D

Ever wonder who the next person you will meet be? And how their making their journey to meet you just as you are to meet them?

Destructive Testing

"I saw that sign," said Dwayne, "and I couldn't help wondering if that was what god put me on earth for--to find out how much a man could take without breaking." - Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions

I want to see you, I want to give you some lovin' ;)

I freaken need to start long boarding more

When I was knee high to a grasshopper... :D

why can't some people fall asleep even when they really really want too?

Where is my Nyquil >.>

seeing the phrase "hopeless romantic" makes me sick! I'm becoming more and more of a realist everyday!

Because reading that makes me sick, get out of your fantasies and face the facts already!

I feel as if I've learned more this summer, than during my school year at a school where most people call a prestigious university

I have never had such a desire to learn, to know things about stuff till this summer. It could possibly be because I've suddenly returned for the summer to an environment that doesn't constantly demand learning. Maybe I'm so use to the studying and learning during school, that being away from school in a place that doesn't require a lot learning makes me feel as if I'm missing something. 
I'm interested in things. I read Catcher in the Rye and it sures hell was down right golly, and it ain't no phoney storybook either. My next book that I'm going to read is Kurt Vonnetgut's Breakfast of Champions. Both which are recommendations of Ivan <3  I remember attempting to read this earlier in the school year. I dont know what it is, it could've been my mindset at the time, but I had a hard time staying interested in the book. I totally forgot what it was about. The Perks of Being a Wallflower that i ordered just came in the mail today too! but i think i'm going to read breakfast of champions that ivan let me borrow first. I'm reading the frist 2 pages and dang. Something caught my attention. It wasn't what i read, but they way that i was reading caught my attention. i was surprised to notice that i was actually getting an interest in the book. i dont wanna say to soon but, i was lik dang, this book is pretty interesting! I think i will finish this book this summer. and also the perks of being a wallflower :)

NIGGA PLEASE!

Screw false emails for disbursement checks!

It's like I want to be bugged by this situation, but I'm to lazyyy BAHAHA

COME AT ME BRO!

material things

finally when I have a bit of cash with me that I can spend, and the last bit of summer to do with it, i finally can't find anything to spend it with, no material things. i was thinking of an ipod of something all cool and stuff but I wont really use it much, idk what to get any more, its as if ...

i dont really have the NEED or the necessity for material things that much anymore to make me happy or content, i'm pretty much good :) SWEETTTT

I love disbursement checks. that is all.

I have bodily-kinesthetic intelligence

geniuses

"what is the issue"
select a strategy 
apply the most common algoritm and heuristic strategies 

i am afraid to get close to people

I use to be worried about a lot of petty things, but then I thought, fuck that, I'm Jennifer Huynh.

understanding a guys mind

i guess it seems as if the majority of guys think alike, i got this off yahoo, seems really informative and enlightening 

While you may not buy into the idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, when it comes to communication, men and women do express themselves in different ways. “For women, the purpose of communication is most often to relate; for men, it’s usually to share information,” says Karen Gail Lewis, EdD, relationship therapist and author of Why Don’t You Understand? So while it may seem to you that he disregards your feelings, he might be wishing like crazy you would just tell him what you want. Read on to learn seven things your husband wants to tell you in order to help bridge the communication gap.

1. A small "thank-you" makes a huge difference.

You might think, “I do plenty around here, so why do I have to say 'thank you' whenever he pitches in?” But he probably doesn't agree: “I’d cook, clean, do the dishes and laundry much more happily if my wife said ‘thank you’ more often,” says James.* Just like you, he needs appreciation and, yes, a little ego-stroking. “Studies have shown that happy couples give compliments often. Offering a simple ‘thank-you’ is an easy way to show appreciation and make him feel significant,” says Todd Creager, licensed marriage therapist and author of The Long, Hot Marriage.

2. I’m more likely to offer you concrete advice than a shoulder to cry on.

When you come home from work and start complaining to your husband about your demanding boss, to him it sounds like you’re asking for help—even if all you want is a sympathetic ear. Dave* encounters this often: “The other day my wife was venting about a problem. Every time I came up with a solution or suggestion she would interrupt and dismiss it. She thinks I’m telling her what to do, or implying that she can’t think of solutions on her own.” Know that when he gives you advice for handling that bad boss or overbearing sister-in-law, “that’s how he shows that he cares,” says Dr. Lewis. Try not to confuse his advice with criticism, but don’t be shy about telling him, “You know, I’ve tried that, too. I think what I really need now is to just vent!”

3. If you want a chore done by a certain day, tell me that.

You asked him four times to fix the wobbly cabinet door to no avail, so your complaints about him not doing it seem justified. “My wife does this all the time. I know I have things on my mental to-do list that she wants me to handle, and I will! But unless she tells me it’s urgent, I’m going to get to it when I can,” says Don.* When he hears you ask for a task or chore to be done, all he’s hearing is that you want it done—not that you want it done based on a time line you've set but haven't shared with him, says Dr. Lewis. “He wishes you knew that he’d be very happy to fix whatever you want fixed, so long as you’re specific: ‘It would be great if you got that cabinet door fixed by the time my parents arrive on Sunday.’”

4. Tell me directly what’s bothering you.

Since human beings lived in caves, men have probably sat around bewildered by their mates’ fluctuating moods, wondering why she won’t just say, “I’m pissed off at you because...” instead of, “I’m fine” through clenched teeth. The thing is, he knows there’s something wrong, thanks to the exaggerated sighing and stomping around. “You may think you’re not communicating, but you are. What you feel is being transmitted,” says Creager, just not in a healthy way. The key is to express it directly––“I’m upset that you came home and went straight to the computer”––rather than being passive-aggressive.

5. Please don’t ask me how you look in that dress.

First of all, there’s no right answer to a question like, “Do these pants make me look fat?” Then there are the times you ask his opinion even though you’ve already made up your mind: “My wife seems to ask things like ‘Should I buy that dress?’ to confirm her choice, not to get my real opinion. And if she asks me how she looks in a dress, I know well enough to say ‘I love it!’ no matter what I really think,” says Alex.* So either don’t ask at all, or be specific, advises Dr. Lewis. “Ask him, ‘Do you think these shoes match this dress?’” And definitely think before you ask things like “Does my butt look big in this skirt?” If you want a blanket “You look great to me all the time, honey!” then you’re fine as long as your husband's willing to play along. But if it’s honesty you’re after, be careful what you wish for.

6. I wish you didn’t think we had to talk all the time to be close.

You both get home from work, or finally get the kids into bed, and then you just sit there watching television. You call this togetherness? The truth is that he does, even if to you, it’s not “being together” unless you’re actively having a conversation. “The silence in the room, and just your presence, feels like closeness to a man,” says Dr. Lewis. “He doesn’t necessarily need, as you might, to be engaged in conversation in order to feel connected to you.” So every now and then, reach out and squeeze his hand, and if you want to talk, say so––but don’t assume that silence equals lack of interest.

7. I wish you wanted sex more.

You may be thinking that your hubby always wants sex, but what you don’t understand is that by rejecting him you’re making him wonder what he’s doing wrong. “Many men think, ‘I must not be so good at it,’” says Dr. Lewis. It’s not just about his needs; it’s also about pleasing you. “Both men and women want to feel intimate with each other, and what women need to understand is that men often derive intimacy from sex––whereas oftentimes women need intimacy in order to have sex. So talk about what you both really want, and find compromises that work for you," she adds. And if you are in the mood? Act on it! He'll not only love that you initiated it, but also appreciate feeling desired by you.