Of me talking too much

I talk too much I think. And this realisation always comes after I return home from hanging out with friends - old or new. Yea that's the thing! Even with new people I meet, I spill out so much of my personal values on the table and suddenly when they leave, they'll have this impression towards me. Tiba-tiba je. Like they didnt have to create rapport with me and they know my entire life story! Damn, tak mysterious langsung. haha

Nine months later

... And just to be clear:

No fights with anyone for the past 9 months.
From two best friends to seven now :)

Alhamdulillah. Life has been good.

Guess who's back

One year later and a bit... Yes I'm back!

And this time, better, happier, no more dramas (believe it or not) and still unemployed (ok this part still sucks). Ok lets be honest la ok. I think it's me actually. I haven't really been looking for a job properly. So many things have happened, and I have just been constantly occupied with things. Ok lets start from when I ended my attachment with PPUM:

1) Was just having fun waking up late and not having the need to rush through the mornings

2) Busy with coming up with an awesome itinerary for my trip but we ended up not following it anyway.

3) The trip

4) Mama leaving for UK. Dont know what this has anything to do with me not looking for a job, but. OH! Ada lah of course. I needed to look after papa! Cook, wash, clean and whatnot. Ha! :P

5) The passing of Dusty

6) And Wan. Alfatihah.

7) The HELP part-time RA position that requires me to go to Klang at least three times a week

8) My hypnotherapy course reflective diary assignment that never seem to finish! Seriously!

9) And the exam that's coming up in two weeks time.

So. Yeah. I have been quite "busy" lah jugak. With the little little plans of wanting to bring the cats to the vet lah, take dry cleaning, running errands here and there. So all of these equals me to not look for a job. I think I'm just not motivated to do anything else BUT clin psy stuff lah. Really. I have to be more flexible! But no I'm just a one track mind person right now. And knowing me, I'm quite stubborn sometimes. And unfortunately, this is one of those times.

ANYWAY. Ha. Kan dah banyak gila cakap ni. hahah. Ok. SO. . .

I just remembered what inspired me to write again. "Chill lah".  They're the words people use when they think someone else is anxious/worried about something.

Really? You think when someone comes to you and say, "ohmygod I'm scared about my exam." and the other person just says "chill lah. Everything will be alright." HOW DOES THAT PERSON KNOW? Seriously. It is the WORST thing to say to someone. Imagine if someone says that to you. How would you feel? If every therapist in the world says that after every patient comes in to see them, memang the suicide rate will jump from one million approximate number of suicides each year to ten million. We have been "taught" from movies, from friends who talk to each other everyday to say "chill lah". But really. If you think about it, it is definitely not the right thing to say. So what do you say then? What's the right term? Or how do you say something to calm that person down?

1) Ask what is the worst that can happen. Challenge them, to think rationally.

2) If it concerns grief, a simple hug would do. It really amazes me how much a hug can help a person in times of need. Laughter might not necessarily be the best medicine. Because if you think about it, how can someone just try to crack a joke when another person tells you a sad news right? So really. Hug. It works wonders.

3) When someone is feeling anxious/worried, watch their breathing. You'll notice that they might be hyperventilating abit. Or breathing faster than they would normally. So what do you do? Just ask them to do some deep breathing. (wtf is that you might ask.) Guide them to breathe normally. Like, breathe with them. Ask them to take a "breather". When the breathing is better, you ask them how they feel. Chances are they would say they're still feeling anxious, but better than before. Or you suggest that to them. haha. I know it sounds wrong but they would not have noticed it if you didnt point it out. You can say along the lines of "See. Did you notice that you're breathing slower now? Compared to just now? How do you feel? Better right?" Try it!

Ok I am not giving psychotherapy lessons. Just want to share how I would like to be treated if I'm feeling anxious/worried/grieving about something. And please: NO SOLUTIONS, or anything related to WHAT YOU THINK THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO. You are NOT in their position, so NO, you  DO NOT know how they feel.

Ok. Haha. Panjangnya. Ok I think dah la kot. I can still type actually. Somehow I havent been sleeping properly for the past week ++. Think by next week kalau takboleh tido jugak I think I need to see a psychiatrist to get some benzodiazepines (if you're wondering, this is the medical term for sleeping pills. Saja nak poyo sikit :P). Like proper ones. Have been giving myself paracetamol with sleeping ingredients (yes there is such thing. And I bought it from a proper pharmacy at Dubai airport. And NO I am not an addict and will not intentionally take pills because nak bunuh diri or whatsoever. Please do not freak out and start commenting stuff about this). But I'm out. So I think next option would be cough syrup. And just a teaspoon will do. JANJI.

Ok should really go now. Even I'll be tired to read this all over again nanti in the future. haha. Ok. Goodnite then! Think I'll be seeing you again very soon! byee

Hi

Wow. It's been more than 6 months!

I figured out that it's time for me to start talking again. Although I dont know what good that'll bring me. Hm. I just think that sometimes.... It's just best to let it out, WHATEVER it is inside ni pun. Hah. Faham tak?

I've also been reading a few of my old posts and . Wow. Haha. I dont know what to say, seriously. (Ok. Honestly, I DO know what to say. But maybe it's too private for me to type it out in the open. Even though I dont know who actually reads my blog. Now that it's been dead for more than 6 months lagi la right.)

So yes. That's all.

Edward Maya - Stereo Love

After countless times..

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku.

What is wrong with me? Why do I always get myself into a huge pile of mess and not know how to deal with it later? What do I really want actually? Why do I do all these things without thinking?

WHY AM I SO FUCKING IMPULSIVE?

I dont know what to do now. I cant really run anywhere or go anywhere. I dont even have anyone to talk to anymore.

God, if this is your way of showing me how my life is going to be every time then I dont think I deserve this second chance. Maybe I would have been better off paralysed :(
*Okla sorry. I didnt mean that. It's just that I REALLY want to be a better person. A more stable and not fickle person. I want the person I'm with to be happy with me, and stay happy FOR A LONG TIME. Why cant I have that?

What is wrong with me? Why cant I change? Why do I always have to hurt people? WHYY????????????

I really dont want to be like this because it's tiring and it hurts people. And I really should stop doing it.

LEARN LA ARINA. LEARN!!!

And dont just say it. DO IT. WALK THE TALK PLEASE. Benci diri sendiri la macam ni. hish.

Btw, I havent slept in about 36 hours and havent eaten in about 40 hours. Plus the tears have been streaming down the cheeks for 24 hours. So just imagine the condition of my face and how I look like now.

So go ahead and talk shit, talk shit about me, and go ahead and talk shit. ~ Fred Durst

I know I care about what you people say, but somehow I still wont do anything about it. And I know people already have that "the girl who cried wolf" perception towards me. Oh yeah yeah she says she'll change. BULLSHIT. Kan? Betul tak?

Seriously. Please. I really want to be better. Please.

Ridiculous

Yes, you. You're so ridiculous, it's EXTREMELY weird.