a simple birthday celebration - a very amazing/seemingly complicated coffee-hazelnut cake with ferrero rocher, cheap IKEA meatballs, coffee, ice cream and kids meal! and a brand new toaster and mini orchid plant to boot! excellent.

why bother with elaborate and expensive celebrations when there's this?

well that was 2 days ago.

it is saturday and my hunger is insatiable

my parents buy food when there's no need to, and don't buy food when I need it. i am more than a little annoyed. recently thats all i feel when it concerns mum. she doesnt do any housework at all (of course we help out, but it is still her responsibility as wife and mother to do SOMETHING instead of lying on the sofa all day watching TV) and she refuses to improve her english. she refuses to learn ANYTHING (to continually pursuit new knowledge and learn new things is very important to me. what does it say about you as a person if youre happy to just be? what's the point in living without a goal?)

"arent you going to add pata?"

"what's that?"
"pata. the white thing dad bought"
"I have no idea what youre talking about" I reply, wondering what white powdery thing she could be referring to.
"PATA.... for the spaghetti" she says, starting to get annoyed

"PASTA la PASTA SAUCE!"

how the hell does she expect me to know what she's talking about? HOW WILL ANYONE OF SANE MIND UNDERSTAND??????????????????? and she gets impatient with us when we don't understand the incomprehensible things she says. COULD YOU BLAME US?

i am just so lost. i don't know what im supposed to do. i understand that im old enough to take care of myself, i dont' have to depend on them anymore and instead i should start taking care of them.

but mum is all 'dont care about me. i don't need your concern.'

how can we not care? how can it not bug me when i see her like that? in my eyes, it is a miserable existence. i know she doesnt see it that way, but still! could you remain unfazed if you see a family member ruining his/her life? why is mum so weird? why cant my mum be like other mums. why cant she age like other mums? other people can laugh and joke with their mums but i can only frown and argue with mine. it is extremely frustrating not being in control. not being able to improve anything.

perhaps i would have won the gold medal/award if i had painted a more tragic picture about my life. that my parents think they only have one responsibility (as parents), and that is to ensure their children have enough money to spend. anything else they need, they can buy. sure, i could have bought over the bullies in school. i could have bought sleeping pills when i was 8 and worried about not being able to fall asleep (which ironically, was what kept me from falling asleep). i could have bought anti-anxiety pills so i wouldnt have had feel anxious and insecure every day. i could probably buy a more social personality. money solves everything.

...and gave me one of the worst days of my life. well, that may be exaggerating things a bit but damn, today has been a bitch. nothing went well at all.

i stubbed my toe on the stupid foot massager. how the hell do you hurt the fourth toe man. it has the pinky toe and third toe for protection! but by some twisted miracle i managed to injure lil' old Number Four. the odds must be slimmer than winning the lottery.

now it looks like it's rotten and about to fall off. it feels that way too. wonder if i broke something. guess i'll find out in a couple of days. or maybe my toe will be permanently disfigured, just like my left middle finger.

this family is falling apart because of bad communication.

but really, the worst communications involve mum. no matter how nicely and aptly i try to phrase things, mum just seems to get another message! it is like the 2meters of separation between the both of us somehow warps everything i say. or perhaps she interprets my message wrongly. it is very likely i misinterpret too. although i do make it a point not to jump to the worst conclusions. maybe mum is a bad communicator. no, scratch that. she is a bad communicator. her thoughts are all over the place. im talking A and she somehow drags in B, C and D. i try to bring the topic back to A but she conjures up E. i repeat A and (i feel) she totally disregards what im trying to say.

i say 'i just want to say _____. do you understand?' and instead of responding with a yes or no, she talks about F. i mean, who wouldnt feel like theyre words are not getting through? she insists she gets it, but why doesnt she show me that she gets it?

i hate it. i hate how it is impossible to talk to her. i think it isnt just because of the language barrier. why is it that i can participate in mandarin conversations just fine with other people but not with her? it seems to me the problem lies with her! believe me, im trying to think of other reasons which might explain why we are always on different frequencies, but i'm coming up with nothing!

today i started the conversation solely to inform her. keyword here is inform. i was not looking for a discussion, or arguement, or trying to get her to do/change something. i just wanted to tell her something. i wanted her to say OK. i wanted her to just accept the message. like an office memo. but even that was too difficult. it quickly evolved into something totally ridiculous with her trying to get us to change our behaviour.

coming to the topic of change

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST ACCEPT OTHER PEOPLE AS THEY ARE?

why cant they accept that others have a different way of speaking, acting, thinking, dressing etc?

my friends have a problem with the way i dress. my mum has a problem with the way i dress. give me a break! seriously. piss off! why do my friends even bother to comment? why the hell should i conform to those standards? is it shameful to be seen walking with me? why can't i wear black, skinnies, drapey cardigans and leather boots? my old boss did not say anything about my appearance. neither the programme director nor my mentor has anything to say about it. and really, does it matter that i don't look like 90% of the girls here when i go out? it's not like im going to work or examine patients that requires me to look the part of a professional. is mum worried i'll never get married? well, NEWSFLASH! i have absolutely no interest in those frivolous affairs! yes, i said it. frivolous. love and marriage is rubbish to me. when i think of these things i strip it down to wacky hormones and neurotransmitters. there is nothing romantic about it when you think of it this way. i am that literal and boring.

it really pisses me off that mum just cannot accept me. it has been so many years. you should have seen her face light up when i put on a tan-coloured skirt the other day. i felt most insulted. just imagine, your mum can't even accept you for who you are. and your parents are supposed to be the most supportive people.

on a lighter but still depressing note

i look so old. dammit. and i hate my teeth. need braces.

i don't know how time just flies. apparates. disappears into a wormhole, never to be seen again.

one word: busy.

havent even been accepted into the programme and im swamped already.

i wish i remembered stuff i learnt in biochemistry class 5 years ago!

and i wish i took biology