Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

"Give me time. I just need some time away from you to figure everything out."

"I'll wait as long as it takes. I'm so sorry."

I've had enough. Our relationship has been struggling since the year started. I've been trying so hard to make it work but it's like you don't care at all. A relationship can't work if there's only one person willing to make it work.

And so, on Friday night, I finally lost it. I couldn't take it any longer. I sent you that long message with trembling fingers and a fast beating heart. About a minute later, you replied. I'm not sure if my message really scared you or if you suddenly changed, but I could tell how desperate you were to fix things between us.

Following the message were non-stop calls and texts from you that I constantly ignored. I wasn't in the mood to listen to your voice at all. I just wanted space. I just wanted to be alone for awhile, just to figure out what I really want.

Up till now, I still don't feel like going back to what we had. Accepting your apology is one thing, but wanting to get back the relationship we had is another thing. The funny thing is that I think you meant a lot more to me than I ever meant to you.

You said you'll give me time. You said you'll give me space. But tonight, I received a follower request on Twitter from you. Not to mention that your Twitter display picture is a picture of us. I remember how happy we were when we took that picture.

I'm not sure why you created a Twitter account. Whether it's to try and get me back or whether it's completely random, I don't know. I remember how I kept bugging you to get an account because all of our friends were on there, but you told me that "it wasn't your thing".

I still haven't accepted your follower request. I'm not sure if I'll ever want to. Many of my tweets are about you. I don't think I'm ready for you to see how much you've hurt me. I don't think you'll be able to handle it.

As for now, I don't know if I'll ever want you back, and that scares me a little bit. Okay, that scares me a lot. Was the happiness I gained out of our relationship worth more than the pain? Or is it the other way around?

It's like I want to miss you so badly, but I don't. I don't miss you at all.

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

First things first, I've been thinking about deleting this blog lately. It's nothing to do with any major problems that are going on in my life right now, it's just that I don't really feel passionate about blogging like I used to. And there's no point in keeping a dead blog because it just looks stupid and it bugs the OCD psycho in me.

Also, I've been really really busy. I know I always say that but this time, I honestly mean it. I've only started school for 3 weeks now and already I'm drowning in the amount of workload. My modules this semester are seriously tough.

There are times in class where I just zone out because I'm on the verge of giving up. But I have to push through, I'm well aware of that. Also, if I'm not busy studying, I'm pretty occupied with FYP. I'm about to enter a period where my entire life will revolve around my FYP report. It's going to be mentally tiring as hell, but I really have to push through it.

Maybe I'll delete this blog, or maybe I won't. I'll just decide as I go along in life. Maybe the burning passion to blog will return, or maybe it won't. Either way, I'm really happy with this blog and all the beautiful memories that sits within it.

So, until next time (whenever that might be), I guess. 

When you try your best but you don't succeed.

I've come to the sudden realization that my parents are aging. It's scary because it reminds me about how I'm gonna lose them someday. And I really don't want to have to think about it at all. Seeing the wrinkles on their face and the grey hairs on their head just tells me about how much they've been through. They've always been there for me, which is something I've always taken for granted.

Recently though, I've started appreciating them more. I don't know why or how, but ever since I realized that I'll be leaving for Australia soon, I've decided to make every minute that I spend here with them count. Of course, like any other child, I spent a lot of time being angry or irritated with my parents. Now, thinking about the times when I would lock myself in my room just makes me wonder how I could ever be so ignorant and ungrateful.

I remember how recently, I told my dad about my plan for the future, like how living abroad plus my medicine course would cost a fortune, and how worried I was about how we were gonna afford it. All he could do was smile and tell me to leave it to him. Just those simple words made me realize how my parents have always shielded me from all the bad things in life. They let me focus on the good things instead, so that I wouldn't have to worry about anything in the world.

I can't wait to grow up. I can't wait to go to university. And it's not because I want to get away from here or anything like that. I just can't wait to graduate and start working so that I can earn something and repay my parents for every single thing they've done for me. I want to give them a better life in the future, one filled without worries or stress, just like how they gave me my childhood.

 I love my parents so so much :-)

Now and then I think of when we were together.

I've had a bad, bad day :-(

Firstly, it started off with me waking up and feeling like shit. My period cramps were horrible and I was having a massive sore throat. And if that wasn't bad enough, I had a big fight with my dad in the morning. He was being his usual self - grumpy, moody and impatient - and I got sick of it so I told him off. I probably won't be talking to him for a week or so until we both get over it.

So anyway, after dropping my dad off at his office (aka awkward car ride in silence), me and Aliya decided to have breakfast at Adam Road. We kinda forgot to put a parking coupon and when we came out, we saw a traffic police officer issuing a parking ticket on our car. I know it only costs 30 bucks, but it still sucked!

Well after that, I dropped Aliya off at school while I headed to NUH for my FYP. On the way there, I received texts from all my other FYP teammates telling me that they weren't coming down to NUH. Here were their bullshit reasons:

- Driving lesson. (Why didn't you schedule it on another day for god's sake?)
- Feeling sick. (Yeah guess what Pira, I felt sick too. And I had period cramps, which is probably the worst of the worst kind of sick there is.)
- Bad news that were received yesterday. (Fuck you, I've been having a shitty week and I don't let it get in the way of FYP. Keep your personal problems to yourself.)
- Dog dislocated leg. (Well this one was understandable since she had to follow him to the vet and all.)

So, can you imagine how pissed off I was? I didn't even want to drag myself out of bed this morning, but I still came because I didn't want to be the kind of person who ditches their FYP teammates. However, I arrived at NUH only to realize that everyone else had bailed on me. I was pissed as fuck but I was already there so I decided to just stay on and scan the mammograms anyway.

Oh and Carolyn (the girl working there) had a meeting so I was all alone in the lab, single handedly doing a task that was meant for five people. I basically had to walk up and down to the scanner, load the mammograms, and then walk back to the computer to type in the details. By the end of it I was so close to just having a fit of rage.

Of course, being the short tempered person that I am, I wasn't gonna let this go easy. I texted my teammates "so much for a fucking team effort" and of course, they all felt bad so they were apologizing non stop. Shireen even wanted to come down to NUS straight away but I told her not to because it would have been fucking pointless anyway.

So I left NUH early (3.30pm) because I had to fetch Aliya and Meher from school. About exactly 5 seconds after I entered the SIM pick up point, a young security guard knocked on my window and told me to move off. Oof, wrong move dude. Don't mess with a girl on her period while she's having a horrible day.

Me: What the hell is your problem?! I've only been waiting here for about 5 seconds and I'm not even blocking any cars. Don't try and act so tough because you're just a bloody security guard.

He just stared at me in total shock because he probably didn't expect a response like that from someone like me. And then he just walked away while Aliya and Meher got in the car. FUCK YEAH.

So after picking ma girls up, we went to KFC drive thru, and then to Dad's office to drop off the car before cabbing home. Came home and watched Grey's Anatomy for awhile in bed before I fell asleep in the middle of an episode.

And that concludes my bad, bad day.

I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go.

The new semester officially starts tomorrow, booooo! :-(

On the bright side, I am now a Year 3 student (FUCK YEAH). Also, I know at least 5 people in my new class so at least I won't be so forever alone in there. And not to mention that I'm only taking 4 modules so I have one day off from the week! (Trust me, the one day off really matters.)

And on the not so bright side, my modules are all horrible, boring and difficult so this alone outweighs all the good things about the new semester. Then again, I do constantly whine excessively about everyone and everything so I'm pretty sure I'll get through this.

Ah well, the cycle begins tomorrow.

I'm tripping inwards, you got my head spinning.

How I'm spending this lovely Saturday evening:


....350 more boobs to go.

I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart.

Sigh, where have my holidays gone to....

School's starting next Tuesday. I'm looking forward to school and all, but I just wished that I had more time to rest during the semester break. I guess I finally understand why my seniors always said that FYP was a nightmare.

Speaking of FYP, I've not been progressing well with it. My logbook is completely empty, when in fact, it should be filled up to 20 pages by now. Also, I was given 390 mammograms for me to use Cumulus on about a few weeks ago, and I haven't even started on a single one because I've literally been that busy.

So basically now I'm screwed because the deadline for the mammograms is in two weeks time, meaning that I would have to complete an average of 27 mammograms per day. Oh and did I mention that it takes me about five whole minutes just to complete one mammogram?

390 mammograms to complete within 2 weeks? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.