All Joy and no Fun

I read the most interesting article the other other day in NY Magazine. "Why Parents Hate Parenting". You can read the article here.... All Joy and No Fun.

The article talked about how research now shows that kids don't make you less happy, but they don't really make you more happy either. "As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns." How depressing is that?!?

the article also said this: "what children really do is offer moments of transcendence, not an overall improvement in well-being." I don't know why, but I wanted to reject all these so called "findings" in these studies. But when I think about it, and get really honest, it is true. Just tonight for instance, Ivy was the last to go to bed. She was sitting by me playing blocks, and she said "Nonny, Nonny, (mommy)....watch!" and she stacked her blocks, held out her hands and said, "Ta Da!" I laughed out loud, and pinched her cheeks...my token gesture of not being able to resist her! But then, little Ivy proceeded to repeat this "nonny! nonny!....WATCH!" over and over and over. I was so over it. So is that not exactly what the article describes....sweet, irresistible Ivy provided me with a moment of "transcendence", a delicious moment that flipped in an instant to where she actually started irritating me?!? I have never known anything so hot and cold as parenting. Ezra grins at me, and I melt, thinking what a infectious smile he has, and then he senses my attention on him and he runs over and tackles me, hurting me and completely ruining any sentimentality I may have been feeling for him.

And one of the most poignant phrases was this: "While children deepen your emotional life, they shrink your outer world to the size of a teacup, at least for a while. (“All joy and no fun,” as an old friend with two young kids likes to say.)" I know this sounds awful...but it is so true. I don't think all parents are like this. Don't get me wrong....there are some activities that truly are "fun" to do with my kids. But they last for such a short period of time, and they are enveloped in tears, work, chores, fighting, whining, refereeing, and time. When you factor everything in, it is hard to remember that outing to the beach as just pure "fun." Why are the fun moments of every outing so elusive??

"Children may provide unrivaled moments of joy. But they also provide unrivaled moments of frustration, tedium, anxiety, heartbreak. This scene, which isn’t even all that awful or uncommon, makes it perfectly clear why parenting may be regarded as less fun than having dinner with friends or baking a cake. Loving one’s children and loving the act of parenting are not the same thing.". Man, if only i could have written this paragraph. And that is what i am honest about. I am not threatened in my love for my children. i know how deep it is, everyone who has had a child knows how deep it is....but parenting is a whole other ball game. I don't love it most days. It is why we as moms love when our kids are at outings or playdates, or we look forward to them being gone at school, or we are anxiously awaiting bedtime so we can finally get to the "enjoyable" things in our lives. But I also get that these "enjoyable" activities would probably diminish in their entertainment value if I didn't have kids driving me nutty all day, to the point where crocheting a hat while watching something as mindless as the Bachelor actually becomes something to look forward to!!

Parenting is such a complex thing to me, actually. I think in the gospel we are taught that it is the bigger picture that matters, which is why I think we have more children than other people. Raising my family gives me a sense of purpose, and while elusive, a constant daily reward, even if it is a fleeting moment of joy. Would I trade having kids and being a stay at home mom? Do I feel like I am making a sacrifice by having kids? Absolutely not. And yet, the majority of my days are spent doing things that I don't ever really feel like doing....i.e., chores, diapers, feeding, cleaning, changing, entertaining, chauffeuring, etc.

"The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight. It’s a lovely magic trick of the memory, this gilding of hard times. Perhaps it’s just the necessary alchemy we need to keep the species going. But for parents, this sleight of the mind and spell on the heart is the very definition of enchantment." I guess parenting is just like everything else in life...the things that you work the hardest for, the thing that tests you the most, is often the thing that brings you the most satisfaction, blessing, and rewards. It is like forgetting just how awful pregnancy is, but inevitably, you do forget and you willingly do it again and again. This article calls this "forgetting" a "necessary alchemy". I call it God's sense of humor. But despite agreeing wholeheartedly (perhaps a little too much so :), with this article, I have 3 little people who I choose to spend every day with, and I wouldn't change that for anything. Even if they are all Joy and no Fun. :)

Girls weekend in San Fran....

There really is nothing better than a getaway...away from your chores, your life, your own reality. 3 days in San Francisco was just what the doctor ordered. I haven't been to SF since I was in 9th grade. And that trip was a little unconventional....it was me and my mom, a single man and his two daughters, and a lesbian couple. Colorful, no?? It's only now looking back that I realize that the trip was a bit wacky, but I was just happy to be on a trip!

So my sister-in-laws and I planned this trip a few months out, and were so pleased when it actually came to fruition.

Me and two other gals left Thursday night. It felt odd to only be monitoring my stuff, and having free hands. And time to sip a diet coke. And read on the plane. I felt like I had a secret, being all by myself.

Tiffany and I on the plane. Traveling is ridiculously easy when you are alone.


Tiffany and I on the BART. Sure was loud, but very cool and very convenient.



This shot is hilarious. I look like Mary Tyler Moore or something. Being alone in such a fun city brought out my whimsical side, what can I say?


Chinatown....pretty fun shopping. But it is a little like the ABC stores in Hawaii...you see one shop, you've seen them all. I really tried to find a use for a plastic gold cat statue that waves, but sadly, I couldn't.


Rice-a-Roni anyone?? And yes, one day I'm sure I will look back at my sunglasses and laugh.


Lunch at a restaurant by the wharf. We sure did a lot of eating.


Look at this big smile...that's because I'm shoe shopping. peacefully. alone. in San Francisco. :) It's not that the shops were different, but each one was SO much bigger than the shops around my house.


And after all that shopping, what else is there to do? There are only four words necessary to describe the bliss of this picture. Middle. Of. The. Day. :)


I can't be certain....but I wonder if I might have stumbled upon heaven in all our wanderings.




Here's Jessica, my partner in crime....



for eating things like this at Ghirardelli Square....we were seriously sick. It was like peanut butter with a side of peanut butter topped with peanut butter.



But it was seriously so cold....case in point. The smiles are just a front.


But thanks, ladies, for a memorable trip. San Francisco is such a fun city. It was clean, and safe, with so much to do. I don't remember a weekend where I have laughed as much as I did....even if a lot of it was at my own jokes. :)

I don't blog, really I don't. But where do I "put" all these fun things I want to remember? And I want to remember them now not in five years when I finally get around to doing some kind of photo book for my family. Like that's ever going to happen.

So maybe I will take it up again, maybe I won't. But for now, here are the latest happenings in my head that need a soft place to land. Random, but at least they will be accessible from now on, somewhere deep in cyberspace.

My little Kate is growing up before my very eyes. Today she sang a solo in church with Elder Gilbert, a missionary in our ward. She sang "A Child's Prayer" and she told me her knees were shaking because she was so excited, since she had never sang a duet before!! They did such a great job; there wasn't a dry eye in the house. She also sang a solo at a baptism yesterday. This morning I was doing her hair and she said to me, "So many people keep hiring me to sing in their wards!" I said that no one was hiring her and she said, "YEah, I mean like, they know I have a good voice." and I said, "No, they know you like to sing." Doing my best to keep her humble. :)



And while I'm on the subject of Kate, she got her ears pierced recently. She was such a big girl, it was an ear piercing party. I always said 8 years old, but then when a group of her friends were going, I thought it would be such a memorable day for her to get to have a big girl day and go do that. She is so responsible I knew she could take care of them. Eight was really an arbitrary number anyway, so we decided to do it. Jim didn't think it was too funny that I just decided we are going to do it, but how do you compromise on something like that? But he let Kate have her fun, and he did admit that she looked pretty cute with her little flower studs in. We went to Claire's at the mall, and then we went to lunch afterwards. Kate kept referring to our Saturday adventure as "girls night off" and "ladies day out." Hilarious. What could she possibly need a day off from?
But we got to the store, and we were waiting for a second employee to arrive so they could pierce the girls ears at the same time, lessen the pain. But ultimately I just told Kate to climb up in the chair and do it. So she did....no tears, all smiles, pleased as punch with her new big girl earrings. And we did have such a fun day, a day she will probably remember happily when she recalls the time she got her ears pierced.





Well geez, if I'm going to give Kate a post, i guess I better address the other two kids in my life. Ezra had a Mother's Day program at his school, and it was very cute. He doesn't have the performance pizazz that Kate does, but his shyness is so charming, and a refreshing break from his usual roughness, that I'm sort of glad he's like that.
I mean, who could resist that grin??



And Ivy Bean....oh Ivy Bean. She is so spunky and just full of life. As Jim says, "every house needs an 18-month old in it." She is a parakeet these days, and she repeats everything that Kate and Ezra say. She is starting to figure out what she wants and doesn't want, and is so bratty about expressing those opinions! She no longer wants to sit in her booster chair at dinner, but wants to sit in a big kid chair. And she constantly pulls my legs to the fridge, makes me open it, and puts to the cheese and says, "That!" And all she says to me all day long is "No!" But it's not a simple no...it is a "Nnnnnoo!" But luckily, she is still so small and hilarious that it is still so darling. Who knows how long that will last....





And finally, sometimes having your camera at church pays off because your kids are clean, contained, and cute!!

Out of the mouth of babes....

Ezra: "Mom, can I please have some Gatorator?" (Gatorade)

Kate: "Ezra, don't do that...it's not appropriated."

Ezra: comes in while I'm going to the bathroom, puts his hands on his knees, gets right in my face, and says, "Come on mom, push! Just try pushing...1-2-3 push!" (potty training instructions coming right back at me).

Kate: after a wave wiped out Ezra and Brock at the beach..."Mom, that was such a calamity!"

Kate: "Mom, did you know that Tinkerbell is coming out on DVD and Blu-Ray?"

Kate: "Dad, can't you record that show for me? It is going to be on at 8/7 central."

Just let them play.

Somedays I find myself observing situations in my life that I know would not have happened five years ago when I had my first child. Or even my second child....but these days, things have changed. With Kate, I was so anal about everything, from the way she looked to the things she played with. She was always clean, and her clothes were changed constantly for any dirt or spill. But now, to be honest, I just don't care. Most of the time I'm just too tired to intervene. Jim still puts up a good fight....but I just say, let them play. :)

Case in point...

I hope they call me on a mission....

My little boy is three...but doesn't he look like a little man instead in this darling little suit?

Ezra's killing me NOT so softly

I am officially over blogging, as if i actually need to post that. I'm pretty sure the one-blog-post-a-month pattern spelled that out pretty clearly.

But I've been busy trying to keep Ivy alive. Ezra is going to be the death of her, or me, which ever comes first. He is a monster. Last week--he gave her a bloody nose, both nostrils. I'm fairly certain he head butted her. He puts her into a silent cry at least twice a day. And yet he makes her laugh harder than anyone does.

Jim is just as baffled as how to handle him as well. In fact, he just said, "Ezra.....do we need to test you for something?" and then he turns to me and says, "There's got to be some diagnosis for his behavior."

Sadly, I think I know the diagnosis. He is a rambunctious two-year old boy who loves to jump, hit, kick, run, throw, yell, and torture his sisters. But in spite of it all, how is it that Jim and I both still think he's adorable? How could you not with a face like this??