the answer

"you should tell your friends that you are a Christian", my mom said to me once while i was readying myself to meet up with a couple of friends for a party. i simply answered her, "they do. that's why they don't invite me out as much." my answer was meant to comfort her, that her son would not venture too far. it was my hope that despite how she may think or how she may worry about me, that i was still very much conscious of who i am first.

she replied to me with a face, a look i knew too well. i waved at her, smiled, grabbed the car keys from the key ring and said a small prayer for both of us before driving off to ortigas.

* * * * *

i have been asked, once too many, how i reconcile my identity with my faith. it is truly quite a feat, actually, and i never really considered how much at peace i am with how i see myself being a christian until i again was asked last night, and heard me give my answer. hearing my reply gave me a sense of joy again as i remembered how long and how hard it was for me to reach that point, ironically that i had to go through turmoil to reach this stage. hearing my reply also made me realize how much farther i still need to go, to experience, as far as my relationship with God is concerned. my sense of peace was just the tip of the iceberg, a foretaste, and there is still so much more ground to cover besides it. i realized, to a degree, that this must be my unique purpose, God's special intent for me, to discover Him in my own way and to truly know Him more subjectively.

the answer felt so simple. it didn't feel forced, convoluted, or overly rationalized. it was fluid, genuine, sincere, and it fit in perfectly, like how all answers should. saying it, hearing it, experiencing it should also bring about a sense of satisfaction as well as gratitude for, i believe, such nuggets of wisdom can only be God-given.

things are starting to fall into place, i feel. my path is starting to become clear. finally, the long wait is paying off and i can only feel but excited for what is about to come. God is indeed LURV!!!!

a clear morning

he walked towards the direction of the grey horizons, towards the silvery sun as it slowly rose from its slumber, its color slowly burning into gold. i watched him from afar, this beautiful apparition, a hazy phantom, with the curiosity of a child. i exhaled as distance increased between us, my heart gave off a tender sigh as i tended a wound i had long thought had healed already.

he paused from his gentle move, as if hearing someone call out his name. he then turned and looked back at me, the sun forming him a spectacular halo, its bright glow beaming though his ghostly translucence. bathe in its blinding glare however, i could see his face and the look he threw at me. one need not have eyes to see for this was an expression i knew well, i felt well.

the sun ascended to finally take his place in his lofty throne. the azure skies now ablaze, his heavenly court crying aloud in great exaltation. my familiar phantom took not his kind stare from me. he lingered longer than he should, making fully sure that i will be fine. and as my expression finally began to mirror his, he broke his stance and continued to walk away towards the horizon. no words were ever shared between us, but words were never necessary.

the day was cool, the day was bright. i stood there and looked away towards the direction where he departed and smiled. in a very, very long time, i finally found myself take in a deep, sweet breath.

"o, zhu-ah, zhu-ah, gan shie ni."

conversations

sabi ng akda ng librong binabasa ko, lahat daw ng tao ay tanga dahil pinipini nating habulin ang mga bagay na lubos na makakasakit sa atin. nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng libro at marami-rami na ring ang mga kataga na nakatawag sa aking pansin ngunit sadyang ang nauna pa rin ang ayaw akong lubayan. naka-relate ba siguro ako ng husto? ang pagiging tanga? ang paghahbol sa sakit?

i was chatting with a friend last night and was asked about my opinions on his current relationship. i couldn't be really honest with him at first since i felt that to comment on it would also mean that i had to point a finger (or two, or three) at myself. the very prospect of considering about my friend's circumstances was enough to send my overly sensitive conscience into hyperdrive. it had been silently waiting for me to give it the time of day, ever so vigilant still in its stand and never blinking, despite my stubbornness and countless attempts to ignore it and dismiss its arguments completely. last night, fatigued and sparked by the catalyst that was my friend's question, i found myself finally having that conversation my spirit had long and patiently been waiting for.

"why are you doing this?" it asked.

"i don't know." i answered.

"you do know what you are doing, right?"

"yes i do. and i also know what it can lead to. i know fully well."

"so why continue?"

"i don't know. this really has never happened before. i have tried quitting but i can't. i'm not strong enough."

"have you really tried? from how i see it, i haven't felt the force it would take to shake something like this off. it feels like you're holding on more than trying to let go."

"as i told you, i am not strong enough. please don't judge me. it's hard enough to bear this on my own."

"i cannot judge you. but i will not falter from my stance either. you put me here for a reason, and i will remain faithful to it... no matter how much you ignore me."

"i understand. thank you. i thought i was handling it well already. i thought it was dying. i thought...."

"you thought wrong. it never died. you just hid it. hiding, despite what you think, is not managing. embers, small as they are, can still cause fire, all you need is kindling. looking at your hiding place, there is enough back there to light up the sun! embers however are harmless if extinguished. you never really wanted them extinguished, did you?"

"i'm sorry. i really am. i am lost, and i feel i have exhausted all avenues to help myself."

"you always have a choice. you know what i am talking about. you just never wanted to take it."

"i loose everything if i do. everything! in my head, i know the path to glory, but i just am not brave enough to go that way. why can't i have both? i feel that it's just not fair. the price seems too high."

"everything has a price. everything requires a choice. you may choose to sit on this as long as you like but sooner or later, the choice still has to be made. time, despite how you may think, will also not make things better. this will not leave you. also, do not be mistaken that the price is too high. you know this is not about what you should give up but more on just giving it up."

"i'm being dealt with, aren't i? it's always that way whenever i find myself in these situations."

"perhaps. i only know what is revealed to me, and as far as the vision goes, i have presented it already to you, clearly."

"and i have seen it, felt it, bore it, already. i hate it. why me? why does it have to be me?"

"just because. the servant never questions the master. the finite, the infinite. simply know that your portion is unique. resurrection is an extremely rare gift. "

"what do i do now?"

"two roads diverge in a yellow wood, frost said that... you know this poem well, do you not?"

i nodded.

it smiled, turned its back then faded away.

"i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence
two roads diverged in a wood
and i took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference."

lessons to learn

funny how the fates operate for it seems, during the past few days, either my inherent propensity for drama had already caused them irreparable damage or they just had enough of my issues, and in vengeance and maybe to take a break as well, decided to make my life a trifle more toxic, to their utter entertainment of course.

a brief heart to heart with my very objective kuya drove in the awful truth of why i keep finding myself in these predicaments. partly due to my stubbornness, partly due to my habit to over indulge, partly due to stupidity, carelessness and recklessness, and to some degree though i am still struggling with the fact, my unconsciousness need for attention. there was enlightening wisdom in what he said, this after i turned my immediate emotional defense mechanism off. i do recall being warned of my tendencies before but had convinced myself that i had already mastered them, more so, whatever it was that i was doing, it was just me being good, being kind, being likable, being "friendly", exercising my PR. unfortunately, as how my situation presented itself, my supposed mastery of my people skills only proved to be a delusional farce. the truth hit me like a pile of bricks and take it from me, it was not pleasant at all. there was a moment of internal squirming and struggle, i have to admit, but i kept myself still and forced myself not to budge. it was definitely bitter medicine and i needed to keep it down. in a while, after my emotional flare tempered down, kuya's heavy words finally settled. harsh, hurtful, repulsive but undeniably true. salamat.

i will not deny that in the recent days leading to this gloomy monday morn, my life had been rather tumultuous. the days have been long and the nights, longer, but despite this i am glad to say, with lots of help, i am getting by. mistakes have been made (again) and lessons needed to be refreshed and relearned, that hopefully this time around, it would finally latch on to my long term memory. my recovery from this unpleasant stumble, so far, has been smoother compared to the others in the past. i guess when you fall as many times as i have, you learn to feel less and learn to deal more, ultimately, healing faster. it was probably this reason why life, sensing i was coping too fast, too quick, decided to throw in a few "tests" my way, just to check if i really did learned my lesson in a practical sense.

the moral learned from this most recent ordeal (and all the prior ordeals, come to think of it) was NOT TO LEAD PEOPLE ON. despite all my honest and kind intentions to be friendly, funny and accommodating, not backing away when i needed to and nipping things at the bud as things (obviously) begin to unravel has been my greatest mistake. no sooner did i realize this did i get a text message from a chat mate i "ended" things with more than a year ago. out of the blue, i tell you, he suddenly wanted to get in touch with me again. he asked how i was was and was surprised that i still had his number. he wanted to chat again and talk and even hinted if we could meet. i swear, up until this point.. my head had been spinning! talk about the cogs of divine comedy cranking, what was happening to me was almost SURREAL! and he wasn't the first who wanted to all of a sudden touch base. in the span of just two days since that fateful saturday jog, FOUR people, all of whom i haven't had contact for a long time all seemed to have agreed and decide to drop their "hi's" and "how are you's". truth be told, fighting off the urge to engage in casual chit chat with them was almost the death of me. kuya's words echoed loud. i did still succumb to greeting and return some of the messages though, for old time sake, but felt horrible for myself afterward. kuya's voice now giving his "tsks tsks".

i guess things are really easier said that done. i just hope in the coming days, i can find myself to be stronger, maybe to a certain extent, be more calloused. it really is all for the best.

on another wave of the divine stretching its intervening muscles, someone emailed my kuya this last night and he just HAD to read it outloud to me.

wise words from a wise man.... Bob Ong.

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka ng magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka niya..."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na di mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag kang hahawak kung alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo ipagsisiksikan ang sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sa iyo. Eh meron namang hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka lang ng lalandi sa iyo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo...dapat lumandi ka rin..."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sa iyo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na rin sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo, wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na mahal ka pero di mo mahal...kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba, kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap mo sa telepono, kasama mo sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa, eh may gusto sa iyo at kayo na ang magkakatuluyan. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalake. Tatlo, lima sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng maganda. Totoong mas maganda ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anupaman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan, nagmumukha ding pandesal...maniwala ka..."

13. "Minsan, kahit ikaw ang naka-schedule, kailangan mo pa ring maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw ang bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap mo uli ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. "Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay, kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala."

17. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin at kasinungalingan."

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng isang taong hindi dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na komukontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organ mo ang mga sama ng loob sa buhay mo. Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sa buhay mo...kundi...ikaw mismo!"

19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at pag nahulog ka, it's either by accident o talagang tanga ka."

amen!

running on the beach

the pristine white sand was truly inviting. its texture, as a good friend once told me to consider, was something my feet now craved. the morning was overcast. the clouds mirrored the turbulence of its denser sister below. the ocean waves was still in recovery from the night's storm, the unsuspecting beach now bearing remnants of the purifying powers of wind and water. i stood in front of our villa and took a waft of the sea breeze and cast my gaze to as far off a distance as my eyes can take it. a destination was determined, the jagged cove in the end where the sand meets the rocks. i took my shirt off, my sandals off and tightened my shorts. i took a moment to feel the abrasive fineness of the sand between my toes and took a deep breath again, inhaling all the cleansing benefits the sunday morning at boracay offered, hoping in my exhalation, my breath will too take all my woes away. i took the initial step, the catalyst that would determine my task. the next was equal to the first, only more determined, it setting my course. the third was a step of power, the ball of my foot slapping the welcoming, but firm sand. soon, i found my cadence. i was running. i was running against the wind but i didn't mind. i was running past sleepy lodges, houses and quarters. past waking visitors and busy sojourners, past children and their adults, past dogs and their masters. past trees and fences, not bothering to wonder what it must be to look out forever into the sea. past my fears, my worries, my regrets, hoping when i depart tomorrow, i would have at last found my peace.

resolutions

some of the reasons why i dislike the long holiday season. well actually, there's only a few, two to be exact.

firstly, it ruins my momentum, seriously. since january 2, i have been trying to gear myself up to work mode again but can't seem to pick up the speed. my entire body still feel heavy and sluggish (mostly in part to reason number two, but i'll get to that later) and it has been an utter chore to just move! it would have probably been ok if the world kinda moved in my sloth-like pace as i warm up after the new year, unfortunately, work went from zero to a full throttle, leaving me and my fattened butt in the blur. like Wile E. Coyote coughing his lungs out in road runner's dust! ugh! i just hate it.

mornings are a particular struggle since it's just heart breaking to get out of bed nowadays especially when the weather is just so perfect! cool air, warm sunny glow, cozy bed.... it's a crime to leave such indulgent comforts yet it has to be the first one i relinquish if i want to regain my pace. i shed a tear just saying that... huhuhu.

but seriously. i know breaks and vacations are healthy but having them in such long periods of time is just counterproductive! i felt like battery overcharged with nothing to discharge myself at. it's maddening i tell you!

so starting tomorrow (today was already too late), no more vacation mode for me. it's finished! done! kaput! tapos! kalas! no more waking up at my leisure. i will train myself to wake up at the crack of dawn again to jump start my system. no more moping around the house thinking of what to do. i will plan my day ahead with a goal oriented schedule. i will be strict. i will not be distracted!!!!!! this year should be started right and productive!

good, good. my, i can sure talk myself into getting motivated :)

now, the second reason why i hate long holidays. i pack in extra pounds.

long consecutive days of no work outs as well as gluttonous expeditions into the far east as well as down south has led me to once again grow my waist to, hmm, equatorial proportions. all those months at the gym of keeping my physique under control have instantly vaporized the moment i RAVAGED my first bowl of porkchop rice! that exercise of unrestraint heralded the beginning of a vicious cycle of cravings that has left me now in the state i am in.... heavy-er and constantly grazing, my brain's satiety center never fully satisfied.

it of course does not help that we have a fully loaded ref courtesy of all the well wishers of my kuya who showered him with food gifts, like a starving refugee hitting the jackpot! our ref has never been this full ever. kuya's gifts take so much space in the ref that mom had to relocate the less guilty snacks like the nuts and the skim milk and the dark chocolate and the rye crisps into the deepest recesses, tucked away from plain sight. open our ref now and you are immediately greeted by varieties of chocolate, cakes, specialty spreads and pate.

recall the story of the Odysseus' crew falling for the death trap of the sirens? meet the SIRENS!!!

going to gym the other day and i felt the full force of my binging. i noticed a marked decrease in my strength as well as my endurance. all lost in just a matter of a week and a half. my, the difference short term disuse can make. that and probably my arteries still struggling from all that duck i had last year!!! sigh.

so again, starting tomorrow, it's back to the health camp for me! eat good and eat right! no more junk is gonna enter in my mouth that's for sure! have to get myself back again to the habit of pushing myself in the gym and get my peak form back. maybe start running again. i missed running.

so again, no more junk! no more instant gratification my shoving foreign objects into my mouth and relishing how utterly delightful its texture is against my tongue. no more grazing. no more perusing into the dark corners in search for even darker sin.... godiva, lindt, guylian, royce... no more falling for into temptations for i will now be a glutton for punishment!!!! iron and sweat will be my meal and my drink!!!

call as much as you like devils, i will not listen!!!!!!!

so, a plan must be in order now that i'm all psyched up for success and beauty!

first thing's first. hate my bed. hate my giant, queen sized bed. nestled in the far corners of the house where my room only gets indirect sunlight, keeping its internal temperature to a mild toast. my bed, where i bury myself under mounds of pillows and blankets, where i have had many dreamy encounters with *ehem* and *uhum*, and who could ever forget *toot!* and his legendary *toot!* my bed.....

paksyet.... this is gonna be hard.

ripples

ripples (ink on paper) 2009

i considered it a good omen for the coming year.

this was the dream. the task. the cause. the effect.

let us never forget that we are not just here for ourselves but we exists also for other people. our lives, no matter how we think they to be insignificant, minute, or trivial, are always relevant, great and extraordinary.

it simply cannot be any other way.

never forget. always remember.

my kingdom for a horse

i have always been fascinated with horses. i guess it stems from the fact that i have always found it to be such a lovely and beautiful creature, strong and yet delicate at the same time. i remember still back when i was younger, when given the choice of which form of public transportation to take home, without batting an eyelash (yes, i think i was THAT na that long ago), i would say KALESA!! i loved being higher up than everyone else, being drawn by such a regal creature. highlight of these memories would have been the time where i was made to sit on the drivers chair up front, in full 180 degree view of the world before me, in close proximity to the beast that had me enchanted.

ever since i could pick up a pencil to draw, the horse was one of my greatest models. unfortunately, my skills at it were never up to my ridiculous standards. i found myself defeated time after time inspiration would hit me and i made my futile attempt in capturing this beast in its glory. that was, until i made the attempt again a few days ago. drawing it made me realize why i loved it so much.


i love the lines, how in life, the horse with its chiseled musculature bear natural, sensual lines. they become more apparent when she shivers and poses, her velvety skin hugging every curve. her pride is seductive, how its almost narcissistic. she has confidence in her stance, a controlled command of her body. a form studied, from the arch of her neck to the slope of her legs, always ready to move, always prepared. i love how her mane and tail flow in the wind, how she shakes them, seemingly to unfurl it of tangles.

i have not seen one in full gallop in person before other than viewing it on TV. its shows how her body in motion is as beautiful as her body in stasis, her movements elegant to the last detail. no wonder the horse has been the subject of such many tales and have been used since man came to be.

damn...

where is my fairly godmother when you need her. i have mice for her to change!!!!