would it be enough to understand
why we feel lost
in a world so small
if only love could find us all
we are.
meant to live.
our lives.
the calling.
my happy ending.
if only.
i miss you.
i miss this small white expanse of screen i see here. i miss it. yeah, of course i have been typing in the squashblog and 104blog, but mine, theuncomplicated.com, is just different all together.. not the same.
yeah, to everyone out there who is so mistified by my sudden abandonment of my blog, here's are a few reasons why i have stopped blogging.
-i can't stand the restrictions that a blog places. i want it to be private, not letting out my feelings, then i've got to be careful of the words used, how much i bloody curse, what i truly feel and what i dont.. i think a blog loses its place as a diary, but more like a place where you let the world in on some of you they didnt know. its for exhibitionist, i suppose.
-i need to be real. stop acting, stop putting on a front, stop putting on a mask for the world. i need to be real, once more.
-i like the way i write with a pen. i miss holding a pen. I miss the paper, the white paper of my journal, the white paper of my mind.
-theuncomplicated.com is something i made, just to make myself become someone i'm not, someone simplistic, unsophisticated, easy. I'm not like that, i'm not uncomplicated. why do i make everything so easy when it clearly is not easy? perhaps it used to be, but it isnt, not anymore.
before i go,
Sayy, this person rides happily on the street, on a bicycle, with his four kids. He wonders why no one comes up to him to ask for his autograph, or why no one asks him if he is Lance Armstrong.
Maybe it's 'cause he doesnt look like Armstrong, or cycle like Armstrong, or smell like Armstrong. And he wonders.
Well, that's because Armstrong lives, breathes and IS cycling. He is practically synomous with cycling. On the other hand, this Mr-ride-my-bike just takes cycling as a receational activity. Something he does out of fun and enjoyment.
Then i pose to you this question. Do YOU take Christianity as a recreational activity? Just because its fun, and enjoyable and has benefits? Or is Christianity your life's passion, an obbsession, lifelong (and even after life) ambition? Is Christianity your hope? Your meaning? Your everything? Or is it just i go to my damn bloody church because its fun, worship is so niceeeee, i like the songs so much?
What is Christianty to you?
"1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. "
Romans12:1
prayer;praise;promises`_____ 11:04 pm
blogger is getting worse and worse to use. dont you just hate the stupid search bar?
i've decided to either change my blog add, or give up blogging at all.
its back to diary writing and poetic expressions from now on. i've always felt the web is a stupid place, where people, sigh, are they people, even?
so then, byebye blog, i might be back to share some stuff, but not anytime soon.
i need some time away from this place for a while, i tried it out with password, and it didnt work, i know.
anyway my entries will always be there for access to all.
once again
take care, and byebye.
prayer;praise;promises`_____ 6:58 pm
i think i'm feeling much much better.
thanks elizabeth! time out with you helped me a lot.
prayer;praise;promises`_____ 9:29 pm
today is just weird.
in the morning i was feeling angry. just trash-it-around-i-want-to-scream angry, finding faults with anyone and everyone. the school day ended like that too. me not knowing how to do math questions, feeling a need for peace and quiet, which i was not getting. you would expect that it being a freakkin classroom would possess the tranquility you need for studying, but thats not true, at all.
and i came so, so close to doing it. i don't know what came over me, i just saw the needle go straight, and fast too, and i almost, came on the verge. but thankfully i was distracted, and it paid off well too.
then during squash it was just crazy. we were having the worse thing you could imagine. it brings out the untimate worse. people were getting angry, stressed, talked about, even with me, i know. but i still <3<3<3 squash. it stresses me, but more than it, it give me joy through it all.
i came back home, with a weird journey on the bus, feeling really low. then i came home, found out what a freakkin lousy friend i am, which is a fact, i am so certain of it. emotions just stretched both ways at the freakkin same time. was trying hard to smile and trying not to take it out on people. i'm so selfish, so aggorant.
i cant find the words to express what i'm feeling. i dont belong anywhere, no matter how much i claim to have this sense of belonging. sometimes i know what i should pioritize, but what i dont WANT to. shit. freakkin shit.
and friends, interpersonalrealtionships, i cant handle it. ZES YOU FREAKKIN SUCK. FREAKKIN SUCK.
but why do i blow the thing i like the most?
blow it mess it up spurn and spit on it. UGH.
why am i, who i am?
shittt.
maybe thats why 13 going on 30 means to much more to me.
why am i this freakkin shit person that i am inside
and someone totally hypocritical on the outside.
ugh.
prayer;praise;promises`_____ 8:40 pm
who are you reading this?
and would you understand.
there was a dg lunch today! yay, finally some proper dg time, although estee wasnt there. i'm going to write poetry again. should i? after that really really bad experience. i don't care. why should i? i wish i was older sometimes, but most of the time i just wish wish really hard that i were younger.
but come on, i'm 13. who's talking about being young. you wish girl, you wish.
i've got a humanties project due in two days time, but i'm not doing it. and why should i? my marks, my grades, so what? will geography or history come into use next time. oh yes, the future, what future? what am i going to do next time? yeah, start planning now yes. thats what i should do, in preparation for the damnit future. shit. i think i should stop living in the past, whether its the 12 years past or present past. figgin shit.
because if i keep on thinking about whats happened, i'll stress myself out like shit. dang, what's wrong with me?! i mean, suddenly all the profanties, i'va always resticted myself from them, and for a good reason too. because its one for all and soon..
i dont know what to live for, i dont know what i'm living for. and what i'm blessed with? not the gift of music, thats for sure. right-o. just be thankful for what you have, your voice, hands and feet are blessings. so is your life, your words.
urgh. stop being so cynical. you're worse, you just try so hard to be someone, someone that others might recognize, that they might relate to, that they'll need. i dont have any shit personality of my own. dang the stupid lies. and who am i? or what am i? should i know that answer.
i cant answer so many questions of my own questions, much less yours. i dont know what i'm feeling! i'm feeling what you're feeling! i'm a flexy, a ditto, a YOU. is that who i want to be? only i know that. but. but.
i thought i already got over this identity crisis. i thought it was a juvenile hippy thing. but look at whats happen. because i've been ignoring, pushing it aside. you see who you see. is that me?!
only i know that answer. but. but.
ahhh freak it.
prayer;praise;promises`_____ 10:17 pm
today was a good day. a better day than some others anyway. had a stupid time in chinese when i was cursing myself for not studying hard enough for the mock test. and during english i was wondering whether i was careful enough. i knew i could have done some of the questions better, better than i did yesterday anyway. i seriously should be more careful, more sensitive, and really, not so slip-shod in the things that i do. not only do? say, to others; feel; my work; my life; towards people; and now as i'm thinking about it, my spiritual life. hell, for being so cao shuai all the time.
okay, squash was good. very good. played 2 matches and won[phew], then went running 2 rounds around with yu wen. i think it was a really fufilling afternoon. now to see if i can continue in this contentment through the night.
yes, before i forget, happy birthday junxin! i'm not used to remembering people's birthdays unless i have a damnit list of some sort, or unless you tell me in advance or something. i'll get a present, if its enough. or at least, i'll try to. so people out there, if there's anyone at all, remind me!
maybe if i stop pretending for a while things might be easier for me to take in. hell, if there was any problem at all, with me. its my stupid i-act-like-i-dont-care-but-i-do-care-but-when-we[me and you]-realize-it-its-too-late-so-i-regret-attitude. Whoo, this is good. i finally finally, figured out something about myself. apart from the bare facts. maybe i just make myself too complicated? or i know, i just make it complicated, run away, because in the end what i do, and worse, why i do it, turn a fool out to me, and whats left but just hatred for myself.
anyhow, i still adore squash. makes me glee-ful. and happy. and less stressed. being in squash is such a blessing. and i thank God for it.
prayer;praise;promises`_____ 9:07 pm
my heart`s heavy
my soul`s empty
those dark clouds hang behind me
eating me slowly as i lie in solitude
crying my eyes silently without tears
lost within those quiet movements
torrents of tears washing the darkness
only softening the gates all this years
"questioning
reasoning
pretending. living with this facade
all this time, are you who you are.
or you`re just an image, and illusion.
an actor, playing as who you dream to be
you`re insecured.
you`re lost."
time and time again i watch those words
watched those thoughts
flip thru my brain. flip through my mind.
never moving foward
never stopping backwards. eating me.
consuming me in fear.
watched me behind. laughing in denial.
scream. rip. cry. pain. blood.
senseless emotions, useless emotions.
the blood of my life, the crux of my soul.
yet it binds me to a fine string
like a puppet,
it affect me.
my mood.
my soul.
*offhere]]
prayer;praise;promises`_____ 9:13 pm
Looks like I took the password off. Not that it protected me very much i think. Its just a way of seeing how many people actually bother with your blog. And I'm sorry to say it really isn't a lot.
National day triggered the times of 2002. I wonder whether any of them really think the same way. After I listened to singsingapore online, felt something unspeakable. No, it isn't one of those highs or lows a usual delinquint gets, just the sentimentalism and I hate myself for that. I'm stuck, living and re-living in the past. The present's not helping me go far into the future either and what can i do? Am I supposed to laugh it off, take it out and shred it to pieces, look at it in the eye and say getlostalready? I cannot do any of those, not because I don't want to, or choose not to, nor because my innerself withholds the damn it desire, but no i cannot, because i am plain unable to accomplish the task that you want me to. At least those were happy moments, and precious I would say too, that i lost sleep over it, had insomia and chose to, like I was in a trance, but as much as i yearn for those times, it isnt going to come back. God, Zeslene wakeup. Wake up and see that they aren't who they used to be, they've grown. I have grown too, I'm not someone you can trample upon, take it out on, shout at just for fun. Suddenly I have feelings, have an opinion no one agrees with, is that who i am, what i am? What happens then, the implications, the idiocy. Its you, YOU, don't you understand. You're all that's left of the cake, the papers, the ink. Is there no one else? Would there be anyone else?
Not that I really care, but an interesting point to note was that I could not get to sleep last night either, just like all the National days of the years before. That was not due to the fact that I was too excited at the fireworks display that really didnt rock for me this year which was because I am no longer amazed at it, as i have concluded that it'll never be beautiful unless you are a freakking child, or are watching it with someone special. Neither was my insomia due to the fact that the songs were still ravaging in my mind, but sadly because i was feeling stressed about my work. And on a holiday too. Whatever is wrong with me?
Hell, today was another of those days. Not that it really matters, but my lovely indulgence of today was intoxicating. There was the walking Yiyun to Liting's house again, which reminded me of the past year. And on the walk back to home, watching the half-filled 317 bus pass me, everything just came rushing back. The lies, the hatred, and then the love. I sat on the swing for a while before going up. It wasn't much different from the last time i did. Swinging is amazing, gives you a sense of the free, and all the more when there are butterflies and green grass. Was re-reading the past entrys, now that they are public, and i realized that my haven is right here. Right here in my own home. While swinging i was savouring the tastefulness of this place, how the past year just came flooding back, and the year before.
Sigh, nothing much has really changed, just that, as far as i can remember, the last time i was swinging and feeling free, i was crying. Because of the irony, opposites, lets just say I was crying rather painfully, and more than painful. I was crying out of disappointment, hatred, and then the love. Juxtapose it against swinging and feeling free. It was just so messed up, so wired. But that was then, it feels so far away. I don't understand why I can't forgive and get over it. But forgiving means letting go. And the facade that you've seen me in hasn't changed.
You think you know me? But that's all you are, shrouded in a mist.
prayer;praise;promises`_____ 1:57 pm