Winter Solstice

Winter solstice. The shortest day of the year. The end of earth’s six month exhalation. The culmination of earth’s yearly light purge. The day when the earth is the most titled away from the sun. The extra darkness leaving us starving for light oxygen, making all life seem so very lifeless. A time for laying low, rest, recovery and rejuvenation. Why do humans have such a hard time embracing it as such? We’ve created these holidays that enable us to reconnect and spend time with our loved ones during this dim time of the year. But we end up running around in a frenzy as we rush and scramble, overfilling our days with parties and social outings. Are we missing the point? It may be a question worth asking? As much as winter solstice can feel like a low point, it also represents hope and brighter days ahead as the days now start to get longer. The beginning of earth’s six month inhalation. The switch from dying to rebirth as our planet starts to lean back into the sun, the source of all life. I have often said that I am not built or designed to live in this Canadian climate. Something about my body having a hard time thriving in this winter cold and darkness. But then again, it may just be that like other humans in the western society that I live in, I simply try to squeeze in too much, expecting to maintain the pace of warmer and longer days? Nature has its own rhythm. And the only way to thrive in it is to adopt the same frequency and amplitude. Winter solstice.

Shine

Shine. Endlessly chasing darkness, but never able to catch it, its rays simply continuously shine. Source of life energy and radiant light, it asks nothing but our embrace, our gift from this universe. Even when obscured by cloud cover or hidden on the other side of this planet earth, it is still there. It still gleams. Endlessly trailing the darkness that it can never meet, it radiates. The sun. Our revolving point. The darkness antidote. Both darkness and light cannot exist simultaneously. As soon as light appears, darkness disappears. It’s a scientific fact. Darkness, by definition, is the absence of light. As I sit here, in a certain darkness, I need to remind myself of this. As I sit here, all I need is to let this pass. All I need is to sit in the stillness of this night and wait for dawn of the new day. All I need is to wait for the light to bring me back to life. All I need is to let myself… Shine.

Is it worth dying for?

Search and discover what you are passionate about in this life and spend your time slowly killing yourself pursuing it. Sickness is never easy even if it is eventually always inevitable. We try to find someone or something to blame in an attempt to maintain our false belief that life is under our control. Loss of health is so very humbling, an undeniable reminder of our fragility. The standstill so very uncomfortable. The dismantling of the indestructibility illusion in our mind so very unsettling. As I recover from my bout with viral pericarditis, I have a new found appreciation for the simple feeling of my beating heart without the pain. For the time being, this feeling that was once unnoticeable has become very palpable. I miss my bike. Mostly, I miss where my bike takes me. I feel very grateful that soon, we will go there again. What are you pursuing? Is it worth dying for?

Self-love

Self-love. Five hours after taking this picture last Friday, I’m lying on a stretcher in ER with fever and chest pains. I try to get some sleep between the ATV rider whimpering in agony holding his broken arm and the 15 year old hockey player who can’t remember what he ate for supper after a head hit in tonight’s game. Hooked up to this machine beside me, I glance over every once in a while to see what all of these attached wires are measuring. After over 15 hours, the diagnosis is viral pericarditis. A deja vu from almost 5 years ago. As I begin to feel much better, I wonder what this is trying to teach me. What does my broken heart need in this moment? Love. Self-love.

Sum

Sum. Our life is really but a sum. Its equation made up of being and doing. We’re born being. We learn doing. We need to. Our life depends on it. There are certain things that all animals, including humans, need to be able to do in order to survive. As our doing repertoire grows, so does our independence. This continues until we are able to take care of our own self. At this point, we become what we call an adult. We should now be able to earn a living and live happily ever after. Such a simple template. But is it working and who is it serving? It’s an important question that deserves our attention. Is it serving mankind? Or is it serving our economy? Is it teaching us how to make a living instead of a life? Is it teaching way too much doing and not close to enough being? Could that be why we often feel like our lives don’t add up? Could it be that we live in a world lost in doing? I ponder these questions during my last ride. The sum of why I ride is to let the doing part of turning the pedals bring me back to being. How balanced is your equation? What is your sum? The solution is not to do more. The solution is to be more. Sum.

Darkness

Darkness. My enthusiasm is always sluggish this time of the year. In nature, the extended darkness provides a time for necessary rest. I can’t seem to embrace it as such. I try to maintain summer’s pace. It has become my escape method. I have become very comfortable at its speed, just fast enough to avoid feeling. Nature is telling me to follow its lead. I recognize its truth, but I still resist. Staying busy is easier. Unconsciously, I am leaning towards disconnection. The temperature hovers around zero Celsius on Sunday. I ride out to the pavilion. My emotions linger close to the surface. But I can begin to feel a sense of ease as I sit there alone. Strangely, simply admitting to myself that I am unwell makes me feel better. Acknowledging my own darkness is the way forward. Reconnecting with life in nature’s now brings me back. As the days get shorter, I yearn for more light. And as the days get colder, I yearn to ride snow and ice covered roads that lead me to the serenity of the forest. I yearn, not to avoid feeling. But to embrace the season that is. Welcome to the dark time of the year. Slow down, and let it show you its light. Darkness.

Pain

“The cure for the pain is in the pain.”  ~Rumi

Pain.  Our instinct is to run away from it.  Our instinct is to avoid it.  Our instinct is to remove our self from it.  But, in order to be free, in order to be healed, we need to bravely face it.  We need to befriend it.  We need to sit with it.  We need to fully feel it.  We need to get comfortable with it.  We need to embrace it.  Only then will we be able to rob it of it’s power.  Our pain is purposeful.  Our job is to figure out it’s purpose.  Pain.

Backward

Backward.  A wise man once told me that in order to truly know a road or a trail, you must have travelled it in both directions.  Preferably by bike.  Ok, I added that last piece…  Regardless how it is travelled, I strongly believe that this piece of wisdom also applies to life itself.  To have lived well means having lived in both directions.  It means having gone back to revisit your past in order to understand your present.  It means going back to forgive old versions of yourself in order to heal the current version of yourself.  It means going back to unload everything that no longer serves you.  It means going back to give your crap back to it’s rightful owner.  It means going back to understand what you couldn’t understand when you were in the middle of it.  It means going back to learn the lessons that you weren’t ready to learn until now.  When you refuse to go back, you end up carrying your past with you into the present and eventually into the future.  When you refuse to go back, you end up reliving your past over and over in a never-ending cycle.  The only way to move forward is by going back.  Backward is forward.  Backward.

Fly

Fly.  This pic is from the seemingly everlasting summer of 1983.  I was 14 years old.  And my sole purpose at the time was to make the SE Racing logo wings on my PK Ripper take flight.  Ever since I started riding, I’ve always been obsessed with jumping.  I remember building small ramps in my backyard with wood planks and bricks when I was about 6 years old.  Eventually, as I got older, the ramps got bigger and bigger.  After assembling each of these launching contraptions, there was always a certain delay before someone gathered enough courage to actually launch it.  This was how legends were born back in the day.  No suspension, small 20 inch wheels, landing on flat ground.  You either acquired new scars and a good “the time I nearly died” story or you were immortalized as a neighborhood icon.  Often, even if you crashed, you still came out of it with all three.  There is something about the feeling of the wheels of my bike losing contact with the ground that fascinates me.  Maybe it’s the human animal instinct to want to be like the birds?  Even at 51 years old, riding a well built pump track on my mountain bike is one of my favorite ways to ride.  Clearing a set of doubles still gives me goosebumps.  The feeling of the bike gently sailing, hovering in the open space between mounds of dirt is simply incredible.  Compress, release, recompress.  It isn’t about speed.  It’s about flow.  It’s about letting the bike rise after gracefully coaxing it.  It’s about just letting it…  Fly.

Fluidity

Fluidity. With our first snowfall of the season, Saturday’s conditions were winter-like. The fat bike was happy to come out of hibernation, very eager to play in the snow again. The once familiar landscape felt so fresh covered by it’s new white blanket. I got out as early as I could, trying to take in the magic while it lasted as the temperatures warmed up in the afternoon and the snow slowly started to melt. Sunday’s skinny tire gravel ride was soft, wet and muddy with some snow covered bits. I bypassed certain trail sections where the snow was deepest, but still managed to make it to the café on the other side of town for my latte. After the messy post-ride clean-up, I decided to stick to the road on Remembrance Day Monday. This ride brought my odometer reading for the year just above 5,000 kms. Not a huge distance compared to back when I trained and raced, but the most that I have done since my health issues in 2015 and 2016. I thought about how far I’ve come since then, just as I began to understand that my progress wasn’t about a number. It was about a feeling of elegance in my pedal stroke that I hadn’t felt in a very, very long time. It was about the smooth, graceful circles that my legs were drawing. It was about the spin mantra that my lower limbs were repeating. It was about feeling more and more centered with each consecutive rotation. I wasn’t going fast by any means, but I couldn’t help but smile as I felt that old familiar feeling of riding effortlessness. Fluidity.

Feel

Feel.  It wasn’t early.  It wasn’t late.  I got up and went downstairs as the rest of the house slept.  I worked on my bike.  I did some yoga.  Even with the extra hour the night before, I still wasn’t really feeling it.  But it was Sunday, and on Sunday, I ride.  I made tea, ate and slowly wrapped myself in my ride gear still sipping on my steaming beverage between layers.  I ventured out taking the long way, eventually making my way out to the pavilion.  I sat for a bit to feel the cool breeze.  From there, I rode through Mill Creek park.  I was happy to be on my bike, but to be honest, I still wasn’t feeling it.  The trail crossing the railway tracks was closed which meant a detour.  I took it as an omen that I wasn’t supposed to make it to the café for my latte that day.  I veered off and headed home instead.  I had been forcing it enough already.  My body has been trying to tell me that it would like me to ride less lately.  Like nature around me, starting to get ready for its winter sleep, my body is asking me to tone it down a bit as the days get shorter and the air colder.  Riding back, I noticed a crane floating on one of the marsh lakes.  I tried to get closer to take a photo but it didn’t like me being so close and it flew off.  It’s grace and strength so impressive as it lifted itself up with a single flap of it’s strong wings.  Airborne, it glided steadily, hovering just above the still water (sorry, I was too slow to take a picture).   It was amazingly beautiful.  And in that very moment, I finally started feeling it.  Feel.

Disappear

Disappear. As soon as my gaze caught a glimpse of the fluffy clouds being reflected on the water, I understood that I needed to stop to take it all in before the moment vanished. The wind was very weak. My connection to nature around me very strong. I imagined what my surroundings would be like if I wasn’t there to notice. The clouds would continue to slowly drift. The tall golden grass would continue to gently sway in the light breeze. And the water would continue to accentuate the beauty of the skies above. The only difference would be my absence. Like a single grain of sand on a vast beach, my presence seemed so insignificant in the midst of the beauty around me. Strangely, for some reason, looking at the world as if I wasn’t in it made it even more beautiful. Pretending that I didn’t exist made it easier for me to recognize it’s splendor, instead of how I usually look at it, through the distorted lens of my conditioned ego. We’re all going die. And when we do, all of our fears and worries will be gone in an instant. That, I know for sure. Die before you die to deepen your appreciation of the amazingly beautiful world around you. Disappear.

Listen

Listen.  Rides are spontaneous things that materialize from inside of me.  Part of it is me trying to run away.  The other part is an invitation to listen to what is asking to be heard in the moment.  That is my motivation.  That is what pushes me to get out.  After a few weeks of patiently waiting for a saddle sore to heal, I craved the simple feeling of pedaling into the void.  Like the trees that have now shed most of their summer clothing, I also wanted to free myself from the heavy noise inside my head.  Sunday morning, I rode the trail out to the pavilion.  Alone, I sat.  I wasn’t there to think.  I wasn’t there to solve any problems using my mind.  I was there to simply listen.  I was there to listen without using my ears.  I was there to listen to the messages that are not communicated by sounds or words.  I was there to listen to the silence.  Have you been listening?  Listen.

Rise

Rise. My emotions have been very close to the surface lately for some reason. I could really feel them come up during my last ride. The feeling would have made me feel quite nervous and uncomfortable not too long ago. I would have certainly tried to numb the sensation and stuff everything back in. But now, I try to just let it all rise and gently move through me in a continuous flow. I have come to recognize the feeling as a powerful reminder of being alive. In fact, it’s when I feel most alive. It’s when I feel most human. It’s when I feel most grateful. It’s when I feel most creative. It’s when I feel most connected. Everything else is really just a cheap substitute. Our entire life is in our emotions. All of it. It isn’t in what we do or in what we think. It’s in how deeply we are able to feel. Our minds are necessary for our survival, but we’re not meant to live there. We’re meant to live in our emotions. Feeling good is about becoming good at feeling. What do you do with your emotions when they try to surface? Do you stuff them back in? Or do you lean in and just let them… Rise.

Body

Body.  Our temporary place of dwelling while here on this earth.  The flesh and bones framework that carries us throughout life.  It isn’t who we really are.  But without it, life as we know it ceases to exist.  It doesn’t come with a warranty.  We only get one.  How do you treat yours?  What do you feed it?  How hard do you push it?  Do you give it the time that it needs to rest?  Do you cultivate its healing?  Do you listen to it?  Do you thank it for carrying you this far?  We spend a whole lot of time and energy building a financial nest egg planning for the long run.  But are we also treating our body in a way that cultivates such longevity?   The body knows.  It’s intuition and wisdom are infinite.  Befriend it.  Inhabit it.  Sit with it.  Listen to it.  It’s called body awareness and it must continuously be cultivated.  Your body is your vehicle.  There is no future without it.  Don’t wait until it’s too late.  Don’t wait until your body becomes your corpse.  Body.

Fall

Fall. For some reason, I have been much more aware of the seasonal change this autumn. It’s kind of like I’ve been sitting back, literally watching Mother Nature slowly redecorate. Noticing may be motivating me to ride more? Or riding may be motivating me to notice more? Either way I win, and feel more connected to nature and it’s rhythm. Riding through this section of the trail, I noticed the floating leaves as they fell off branches, graciously dancing as they were gently drawn to the earth, seemingly happy to join the rest of their siblings laying on the ground. The trees had worked so very hard all summer to grow all of these leaves. And then, just like that, they let them all go in a breathtaking, colorful masterpiece, not minding that they will have to grow them all back next Spring. Maybe my solo autumn rides aren’t as much about what they give me? Maybe my solo autumn rides are more about what they encourage me to let go? Fall.

Gravel Inspiration

“He looked around at the empty plaza again, feeling less desperate than before. This wasn’t a strange place; it was a new one…he had already traveled farther than any shepherd he knew. Oh, if they only knew how different things are just two hours by ship from where they are, he thought….As he mused about these things, he realized that he had to choose between thinking of himself as the poor victim of a thief and as an adventurer in quest of his treasure. “I’m an adventurer, looking for treasure,” he said to himself.”

-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Inspiration.  It can’t be forced.  One can only let it surface.  As soon as I heard about the Rum Rummers trail in Nova Scotia last autumn, I was inspired.  Inspired by its reach.  Inspired by its adventure potential.  Inspired by the fact that it intersects the doorstep to Oak Island.  Inspired by its story.  I mean, bootlegging and secret buried treasures.  What else could one ask for in a gravel route?  I instantly knew that I absolutely needed to ride it.  The 119km shared use trail is built on a former rail bed.  The tale behind its name is that the railway was once used to transport barrels of liquor to be shipped from Canada to the “Rum Row” off the United States eastern seaboard on boats during the Prohibition-era from 1920 to 1933.   Local fishermen became international smugglers after they realized that they could make more money delivering a single load of booze compared to a full year of fishing.  The story fascinated me. The gravel lining of my soul had succumbed to the Rum Runners trail’s mythical lure.

My inspiration gave birth to a list of rides that I wanted to do in 2019.  Writing them down on paper minimized the chance that they ended up on the “someday” list that lives inside my head.  Too many great rides have gone there to die.  It was time to stop murdering ride ideas that way.  The Rum Runners trail was the first one on my new list.  A solo day trip was how I wanted the adventure  to unfold, a sacred communion between me, my bike and the gravel.  The older I get, the more that I crave and enjoy the cleansing effect of companionless pedalling.  My riding is becoming my meditation, my experience best absorbed moving at my own pace, not distracted by small talk.  Isn’t it strange how age maturity brings us back to basics, back to simply doing what makes our soul sing.

On August 7^th, my wife and I drove to Lunenburg which is about 3 to 3.5 hours from where we live in New Brunswick.  We spent the rest of the day walking around, playing tourists.  The next morning, after leaving later than planned, my wife dropped me and my bike off in Mahone Bay.  I would miss the “Bay to Bay” section of the trail from Lunenburg, but would be less rushed to meet her in Halifax in time for supper.  She wished me luck before continuing her drive to Halifax and I started my ride.  My stoke level was that of a 10 year old on Christmas morning.  I had packed water, food, 3 tubes, 4 CO2 cartridges and tools to fix most everything that didn’t require a visit to a bike shop.  Once my wife left, I knew, and liked the idea really, that I was on my own.  I felt confident that I had everything that I needed.  Worse case, I had my credit card.

It was cloudy and a tad cool, but I quickly warmed up.  The dry and dusty sandstone gravel was whiter than I had imagined which made it almost feel like I was riding on Caribbean sand.  The “Dynamite” section out of Mahone Bay was absolutely gorgeous with its so very green, lily pad filled ponds and thick wooded sections.  I kept stopping to take it all in and snap photos, trying to find the right balance between experiencing and documenting my journey.  Some spots were so peaceful that I just wanted to sit there and nature bathe forever.  The serenity and peace of mind knowing that you’re not riding amongst car traffic really make up for the gentle trail grades and generally easy ride.  Rolling in and out of the many wooded sections, I was always excited to ride through the coastal communities that the trail crosses. 

I stopped to chat with an older couple walking on the trail near Martins Point.  They seemed quite surprised, concerned even when I told them that I was riding to Halifax.  They looked at me like I was insane and asked me if I had brought water.  I assured them that I had all that I needed and that I was good.  I asked them how far we were from Oak Island.  They told me that it was just ahead, a few kilometers off the trail.  I don’t really watch “The Curse of Oak Island” on the History channel, but I still felt intrigued by the legend of its lost treasures.  I had to stop to have a peek, even for just a few minutes.  I missed the road that leads to it, so I had to backtrack a bit, but I eventually found it.  The first impression that I got was how small the island actually is.  There isn’t even a bridge to get to it.  They just built a dirt road that connects it to the mainland.  The second impression is that it is very guarded.  The general public is not allowed anywhere other than around the interpretive centre unless on a paid guided tour.  There was a sign warning me that I may be filmed if I decided to enter the area.  I never saw any cameras.  I never saw any treasures either.  I ate a snack, took a few pictures and bathed in the island’s energy before heading back to the trail.

Back on the “Chester Connection” section of the trail, I pictured myself a passenger on one of the many trains that had travelled the same journey way back when.  I imagined how it must have felt for them to be in the exact same location but sitting in a train cart taking in the scenery rather than outside on a bike.  I wondered what they were thinking at the time.  I wondered what they talked about.  I wondered how they felt as I approached one of the old train stations.  It has been transformed into a very quaint visitor information centre and craft shop.  I imagined passengers hoping on and off the train at this station back in the day.  The rich history of the area made my imagination wander, keeping me entertained during the entire ride.

Cruising on the “St. Margaret’s Bay” section of the trail, I felt so very tall looking down at the roofs of the houses below as my tubeless 40mm tires floated over the gravel surface carved into the rocky hills along the shore.  This made me think about the amount of work that went into building the initial railway.  The task is so very impressive, especially back when modern machinery wasn’t as available as it is today.  I felt that those who built it would have been very happy to know that all of their work did not go to waste.  They would certainly be proud that their railway has been born again as an amazing trail system and that it is still used today.  Even the bridges are built on some of the original metal and preserved wood structure.  This re-purposing  made me crack a deep smile.

Still on the “St. Margaret’s Bay” section and starting to feel the bonk, I wondered how far I was from the coffee shop.  My gaze, brushing the brim of my cycling cap, caught a glimpse of a barn red structure ahead.  It was another old train station, which is now the Bike and Bean Café and Bike Shop in Upper Tantallon.  The place has so much charm.  The main building is attached to an old railroad car that they use for bike storage.  And that soup, salad, dessert and latte sure tasted like a million bucks after 4 hours of spinning the pedals stirring white gravel gold dust.  I met a few other cyclists and chatted with the owner before heading back out for the final stretch of my voyage.  I started feeling rain drops just as I rolled into Halifax.  Perfect timing.  No flats or mechanicals.  An amazing ride that I will certainly not soon forget.  The day was capped off with supper with my wife and her nephews at The Wooden Monkey restaurant in Halifax as I basked in the after-ride stoke. 

Oh, and what about the other items on my 2019 ride list?  There certainly were some other outstanding gravel adventures in there as well.  Like the day that I got lost on purpose exploring the open spaces between New Brunswick and Nova Scotia.  It was one of those perfect July mornings where the green is so very green and you can taste the thickness of the warm air.  I wasn’t going fast, but the riding felt effortless.  It was like there was no wind even if I felt refreshed by a gentle cool breeze.  And there was also the day that I finally did the Dorchester Cape loop.  I had stopped in Johnson’s Mills for a quick snack just as I noticed the Sand Pipers dancing along the shore.  The beauty of how they were moving literally gave me goosebumps.  Yeah, those were amazingly great ride days as well.

 

We are sold the idea that the most beautiful places on this earth worth seeing are far away and expensive to visit.  But this way of thinking only makes us miss what’s right under our noses.  It makes us miss the treasures in our own neck of the woods.  Who knew that all this amazing gravel existed so close to home, just waiting to be ridden?   As much as the big bucket list ride destinations seem exciting and worth doing, I believe that we should all start with exploring where we already are, in our own backyards. 

I got through most of my 2019 ride list.  And those that I haven’t had the chance to ride yet, they may happen this fall?  If not, they’ll just be at the top of my 2020 list.  Maybe 2020 will the year of my first multi-day solo backpacking trip?  Maybe?  Inspiration.  It can’t be forced.  One can only let it surface.