I have spent most of my life hovering above my emotions, relentlessly
trying to just not go there whenever anything distressing came up. When “how I think things should be” and “how
things actually are” align, this approach to living is somewhat
manageable. It’s a survival mechanism that
I learned from society telling me to “think positively” and to always “look at
the bright side” which I interpreted as “if it’s unpleasant or uncomfortable, it’s
bad and should be avoided”. So I learned
to stuff my shit back in and ignore it. For
so long, I believed that depression was something that a person could think their
way out of, something that could be prevented as long as you had the strength
and self-discipline to just never go there.
But ignoring it doesn’t make it go away or fix it. The underlying anxiety festers and we
eventually become exhausted constantly trying to keep it contained, depression
being our breaking point.
Jim Carrey explained being depressed as needing a deep rest
from playing the “roles” that a person is playing. For me, especially since the concussion, depression
tends to show up when my brain gets tired; tired from life stress as well as
from the “roles” that I have been playing - sexual abuse survivor, Type 1
Diabetes parent and a person living with post-concussion syndrome. For me personally, depression has a physical
feel to it. It’s not just hopelessness
and dark unbearable thoughts; it’s more like my brain becomes incapable of
processing my physical surroundings including all sights and sounds
properly. It feels like complete
disconnection, an out-of-body experience, a dream-like state where I don’t feel
like I’m part of the living dimension of this physical world anymore. For me, depression feels like I’m half-dead, literally
unable to touch life anymore. Many
people simplify depression way too much.
When it hits, I can’t just snap out of it. I can’t just exercise my way out of it. Listening to music, moving my body, getting
out in nature may all help but they are not a cure all for me. All I can do is hold on tight and wait out
the storm.
In all of my schooling, I was taught how to “do” but never
how to “be”. I was taught how to do the
external labor but not the internal work.
I had always been looking for magical solutions or hacks to fix my
problems without reflecting on their cause. For me, I could easily put the blame on the
physical trauma of hitting my head which certainly plays a very large role in affecting
how my injured brain works right now causing my physical symptoms. Depression is a very common aftereffect of
concussions. But I am also certain that in
my case it also stems from a whole lot of unresolved emotional trauma as well.
Since the concussion, my brain is very sensitive to any type
of shaking or jarring. I remember the
awareness campaign that came out a few years ago warning people about shaken
baby syndrome. It may not be good to
shake anyone but babies are much more susceptible given their delicate immature
brains. My brain feels like a baby brain
now. In late August, after the stress of
going back to work after my summer vacation a few weeks before our Cyclebetes
ride to cure Type 1 Diabetes I fell while mountain biking. I don’t even feel like it deserves to be
called a crash. I basically tripped when
I caught my foot on a stump on the side of the trail. I was not going fast and I wasn’t even close
to hitting my head as I landed on my knee and hip. Before the concussion I would have laughed as
I landed rather softly in the brush on the side of the trail. But even that very small jarring caused havoc
on my delicate “baby” brain. I picked
myself up and rode back home even if my ride had only just started. As the light headedness and dizzy feelings
resurfaced so did a bit of nausea as I lay flat on my back in my living room a
few hours after I fell trying to remain calm.
The next day I felt like shit with symptoms almost back at a level
comparable to the worse I had felt in the fall of 2016. And with these physical brain symptoms came a
tsunami scale wave of depression. I
wasn’t suicidal but I wouldn’t have minded dying right then and there. I was instantly taken back to that very dark
period two years ago when I was living in a constant daze barely making it
through each day. I was completely
overwhelmed thinking that I couldn’t go through that again. There was nothing to do except rest, wait and
hope that it gets better. And in a few
days it did get better, but that underlying fear and those feelings are and
will always be there to a certain extent.
I am terrified of hitting my head again. It’s on my mind constantly. I am always hyper vigilant when I’m around
other people trying to predict what they’re going to do or where they’re going
to go next so that we don’t accidently bump into each other. It’s what I was thinking about sitting in a
restaurant a few weeks ago as the waiter walked by with a tray full of food and
beverages. It’s what I was thinking
about at a concert last weekend as the half-drunk people behind us were trying
to get out of their seats to go get another drink. It’s on my mind walking the dog outside on
the icy roads. And it’s in my thoughts
whenever I am in a moving car as well as every single time I get on my
bike. A little fear is good to keep us
safe, but what I am feeling is way beyond that.
It’s not even rational at this point but I need to acknowledge that it’s
there. On the good days I can befriend
it and comfort the feelings. Other days all
I can do is hold on to the guard rail of the rocking ship that is my thought
process in that moment and concentrate on not getting thrown overboard.
Growing up, so much importance was put on the business side
of life. That information was useful in keeping
me alive, but it didn’t teach me how to build a happy life. Maybe “build” isn’t the right word here given
that life, the human animal experience of our existence, isn’t something that
we can build or make happen using will.
Life unfolds effortlessly on its own.
All we need is to be present for it and to let it flow which has nothing
to do with business knowledge. It has to
do with emotional intelligence. I was
never really taught this growing up. I
was taught how to work hard to provide a house for me and my family to live in
but I was never really taught how to make that house a home. Like life, a home is not a thing and it can’t
be created by doing. Like happiness, home
is a feeling.
Google tells me that men die from suicide 3 times more often
than women. Could this be because men
usually tend to live their lives like they would run a business? Like me, they tend to be taught to become
problem solvers, logical thinkers instead of feelers. Business intelligence and approaching life exclusively
from a logical thinking perspective will never make you happy. Only emotional intelligence can do this since
it comes from where happiness lives, the heart and the soul. Google also tells me that nearly 4,000 people
die each year in Canada from suicide. That’s
sadly about 10 people every single day. I
don’t believe suicide to be a decision that a person makes. Depression has already killed them, finishing
the job with the death of the physical body is just a formality. It’s just making the outside the same as the
inside. We often ask how someone could
actually go ahead with the act of ending their own life, but they’re already dead
so there’s no fear anymore. There’s
nothing more to lose.
To be alive is to feel.
Only when we open up to this truth and begin to embrace it will we be in
a position to try to fix the widespread mental health crisis that we are
currently facing. Mental illness has
nothing to do with weakness or lack of strength. True strength is about vulnerability. It’s about honest self-reflection. It’s about leaning into all emotions
truthfully. It’s about allowing
ourselves to feel it all. And it’s also
about realizing that there is actually a certain peace that comes from embracing
what we judge to be negative in our life.
#SickNotWeak #BeHereNow
Peace
Mike
