So now that 2017 is in the books, there is a lot of talk
about 2018 New Year resolutions. At the
end of 2015, after struggling with Pericarditis, my resolution for 2016 was
that I wanted it to be the year of my “reboot”, the year of a better and
healthier me. That kindof went well
until July when I crashed mountain biking, hit my head, suffered a concussion
and the rest of 2016 was one of the worse and most difficult periods of my life
living with Post-Concussion Syndrome.
For 2017, I had simple aspirations.
And I also stopped calling them “resolutions”, using the term
“intentions” instead. For some reason,
intentions seems more like it isn’t just me, but rather me working with the
universe, trusting that it will give me what I need. For 2017, my intention was simply to not mess
myself up again like I did in 2015 and 2016.
Even if last year was another tough year for me with the ongoing
Post-Concussion Syndrome, I am very thankful for the improvements in my health
in the last 12 months and that I did manage to not hurt myself again which
would make me believe that I have smartened up and gained at least a bit of
wisdom. Or maybe it was just better luck
with the universe giving me a much needed break? I’ll go with a certain amount of gained
wisdom and a bit of luck. And thank you
universe for having my back…
My intentions for 2018 are simply to listen to my body in
order to continue to get healthier and to also continue to work on myself
emotionally. These intentions will
likely be what I strive for the rest of my life actually. I believe that all of our hang-ups, bad
habits, addictions and vices are symptoms of underlying emotional trauma. Everyone has them. It’s simply a part of being human. If you don’t think that you do, it’s just
that you’re unconscious or unaware. Society
doesn’t encourage or nurture the recognition and healing of our wounds. Unhappy people make better consumers. Our psychological wounds are really just
unpleasant emotions that we are holding onto, emotions that are stuck. I believe that it is our purpose to explore,
work through and release these buried emotions.
It is the absolute best gift that we can give ourselves, our families
and the world. If everyone did this, it
would change the planet. Now I’m not
saying that I am better than anyone else because I have been putting in lots of
time and energy working through my crap, I am just saying that doing this is
the single thing that I have ever done that has had the greatest positive
impact on every single aspect of my life.
Do you want to stop overeating, you need to find out WHY you are
overeating. Do you want to stop drinking
too much, you need to find out WHY you are drinking too much. Do you want to stop working too hard, you
need to find out WHY you are working so hard.
We’re taught to search for peace and connection externally whereas the
answer is internal. What are you trying
so hard to avoid feeling?
Last fall, my physiotherapist at the UdeM concussion clinic
compared Post-Concussion Syndrome with a long-term, seemingly never-ending hangover. I didn’t really get the analogy at that time
since I felt more like I was constantly drunk rather than hungover. But the last month, the intermittent hangover-like
headaches have surfaced and that ironically made me quite happy. I felt happy because changing symptoms
usually means pealing another layer of the healing onion and also because it is
still easier for me to focus with this headache rather than being overwhelmed
by the spaced-out, disconnected, lost in fog feeling that I had been feeling for
so long. In this case, for me, the
hangover is indeed much better than the buzz.
I am very encouraged to be having more and more good days,
intermittent periods of feeling normal again, like my old self. But it scares me at the same time, because I
can’t be (or chose not to be) the same. Our
brains are different from our other organs.
They can heal, but they can only take so much trauma. I’ve read an article where they used the
analogy of the brain as a tin can. Once
dented, the dent can be fixed by popping the aluminum back out bringing the can
back to its original shape and condition, but each and every time that you do
this the can becomes more susceptible to further dents until eventually the can
simply becomes permanently damaged. Looking
back, knowing what I now know about concussions, I certainly have suffered a
few growing up, never anything as debilitating as this last one and I certainly
don’t want to live through another one to see if it will be even worse. I mean, I will live my life, but I never want
to forget what I went through this past year and a half and will do every
single thing that I can to protect myself from another one by being vigilant,
as mindful as possible and never forgetting.
When I was young, I remember wondering if my friends saw the
world the same way that I did. Was my
green the same as their green? How about
their red and blue? Did we see colors
and shapes differently? There was no way
to know but I thought it would be so very cool to see the world through someone
else’s eyes and brain. As I got older
and began better understanding how the human body worked and looking at our
differences, I began to understand that our experiences of the physical world
are certainly unique. But for the most
part, we just unconsciously assume that everyone experiences the world like we
do. Living with Post-Concussion Syndrome
is similar in that it’s very subtle, invisible and everyone just assumes that
you’re fine because on the outside you look fine. I get upset when someone tells me that I’m
fine now. Don’t make that
assumption. That’s not for anyone else
to decide but me. #mybrainmyrules. Type 1 Diabetes is very similar in that it is
an invisible disease. Even if Type 1
gamers seem fine, it doesn’t mean that they are.
I’ve become a bit of a hermit. Even if watching TV is usually OK for my
brain now, especially non-action programming consisting mostly of dialogue, I
don’t watch it as much as I used to. I’ve
become disinterested in sports in general to be honest. Maybe that will change with the winter Olympics
next month? And I still can’t really
watch contact sports without cringing every time a player gets slammed. We really need to stop obsessing about the big
hits, fights and violence in sports. It’s
sad that society gets off watching humans hurting each other like that. Even if they do get up and seem fine (and
look so very “tough” in the process) after receiving a blow to the head, we’re
starting to realize that damage is being done and that there are long term
consequences to this. Chronic traumatic
encephalopathy (CTE) is widespread in many contact sports. CTE has been diagnosed in a staggering amount
of retired professional football players and even in players who have only
played at the high school level. These
former star athletes don’t seem so tough anymore when they shoot themselves in
the head or even worse, become the next mass murderer before turning the gun on
themselves. Only then will we ask
ourselves what went wrong. Maybe when
your brain is reduced to mush it’s bound to have horrific consequences?
Growing up in Canada, I played hockey. I can’t say that I ever really loved the
game. Playing wasn’t really a choice
unless you couldn’t afford it. It’s just
what every boy did in the winter and every father’s dream. I loved the feeling of skating but always
hated the physical aspect of the game, the intimidation, the cheap shots. Playing bantam house league, I checked the
star player in the opposing team and he didn’t get up. Even if it was a clean check, he twisted his
knee when he hit the boards. My coach
and parents were so proud of me. When
you stop and think about it, that is quite messed up. It would have been illegal (assault) to do
that outside of the ice rink, but glorified and encouraged in the game. And now, with modern equipment, players feel much more invincible and don't feel as much
when they're dishing out punishment so they can hit that much harder. The
helmet only protects the skull, it doesn’t protect the brain. And unless you've
suffered a bad one with lasting effects it is impossible to understand how bad
a concussion can be. It affects every single aspect of your life. Everything.
There is nothing you can do without using your brain, not even fall and stay
asleep. It's completely different from a sprain or breaking a bone. The ER will
send you home if your brain isn’t bleeding or swelling, but it doesn’t mean
that you’re going to necessarily feel fine in a few days like they tell
you. Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)
recovery takes from a few days to forever.
Maybe things will never change and contact sports will continue to be
popular but I'm not sure that we're doing as much as we should to protect our athletes,
especially young players. A teenager surely doesn't have enough knowledge and
wisdom to truly understand the risks and possible long term effects of getting
his brain scrambled on a regular basis.
We created all contact sports along with the associated attention and
hype that we have given them. We made
our beds and now we get to sleep in them. I wouldn’t bet on it but I sure hope that we
wake up sooner than later.
I believe intentions to be so very powerful. About 4-5 years ago, I was drawn to minimalism,
simplifying my life, slowing down, enjoying the little things more, mindfulness,
meditation… I loved reading about it all
and really felt that it resonated with me.
But for some reason I couldn’t put it all into practice. I still felt like I was racing through my
life and that all of this sound advice was really more like fiction for me even
if in my heart I knew it to be truth.
Then I hit my head and suffered persistent physical PCS (Post-Concussion
Syndrome) symptoms that literally forced me slow down, simplify, be more
mindful, do more yoga and meditate. I
sent the intention out to the universe and it responded by creating life
circumstances that gave me what I asked for.
Crazy and so very simple at the same time. Be careful what you wish for I guess, but at
the same time I feel very grateful for all the good that I have in my life right
now.
Today, January 5th, 2018 is exactly 1 and a half
years since my concussion… I have come
such a long way since then. Here’s to
more healing in 2018. Cheers !
