Pee in a cup and...

We're expecting!!!

Funny, we've known for weeks, but it's finally feeling real, after we got to hear 'her' heart beat on Monday, and see 'her' little body growing, safely, soundly, normally. Whew.

Of course, we're not out of the woods yet, but it's nice to know we're off to a good start.

The ultrasound on Monday was a 7 week ultrasound, a perk for participants of the EAGeR study. I've really enjoyed being part of the study so far. It's nice to have medical personnel around that are sensitive to my previous loss and how it could be affecting my feelings about this new little Peanut growing in me. And it's nice to know that I can turn my miscarriage into an opportunity to maybe help other women avoid such a heartbreak in their lives, or at least reduce the risk.

In under two weeks, we'll get to see Peanut again, this time with my regular doctor. How nice to get to monitor my little one so closely for the first few weeks of her development. It's really helped me to re-establish my trust in my body to see it performing as it should.

Sorry to all you friends and family we've left hanging since my The Space Between post. And to all of you we've semi-lied, semi-evaded the truth to as we've been talking about life. Sigh. You do what you gotta do, right? And for us, that meant holding on to the news until we really firmly believed in it ourselves. I hope you'll all forgive us. ;)

Oh-We're calling her 'her' because Jason thinks she's a girl, and because we went with 'he' for Rudy, so I guess it's an equal opportunity thing. For the record, I'm thinking this kiddo's a boy, but we'll see soon enough.

Sometimes Less is More

I've been writing this post in my head off and on almost since we got Ty. Every time I contemplated sending him home, this post would pop into my head, but I never got around to writing it...until today.

Today was our first Ty free day, and let me tell you, it was bliss. Nothing like adding a 6 month old lab pup to the mix to really build your appreciation for just how uncomplicated life was before him.

We ate breakfast today, and I didn't have to sit on the edge of my chair, ready to snatch up the food Sweet Pea dropped every second and a half, or correct Ty for approaching the kids at the table, or remind him that he's supposed to be on his 'spot', or worry about whether it would be ok to dash into the kitchen for a spare fork and leave Ty alone with two toddlers and a table full of food. Sigh. It was heavenly. I actually ate.

And after breakfast, I left the mess on the table (and the floor) and actually got Eden down for a nap without sweating. I never had to worry about if the dog would start barking at just the wrong time. (Actually, just about any time a dog barks in my house is the wrong time.)

I actually had physical and mental energy to enjoy mothering and housekeeping today. Imagine that!

The whole day went on with little moments of gratitude on my part to have my life back.

Anyway, I'm glad Ty's not with us anymore, but the decision making process and then following through with the decision was heart wrenchingly horrible.

Let's just say that what began with a mutual understanding that we were not ready to provide all the nurturing that a growing pup needs turned into what felt like a really messy breakup by the time Ty was driving off with his family. Monday was full of barking, yipping, howling, crying, screaming, and seething. But its over, and everyone's happy again. Whew.

And the cool thing is, after getting my "Come get your dog this very instant" phone call, the owners pressed their landlord a little more, and he/she has agreed to allow the dog to stay with them-which is great. They have a fenced backyard and everything-it's a great set up for a dog, and now Ty gets to grow with his real family instead of his foster family. So I guess sometimes messy breakups are good. Without the mini-crisis, we may have just kept fostering Ty, and he'd have spent 6 to 12 months that he could have been with his family being fostered instead.

Despite all the drama involved in this experiment, I'm so glad I embarked on it. I've learned TONS. Here's a little glimpse of what I learned...I'm sure I won't be able to cover all of it.

1) 40 pounds is a good size for me...not 40 pounds and growing.

2) taking care of a puppy is intense. Like taking care of twin infants with colic or something.

3) Walking with a well trained dog is a beautiful thing. Especially if you did the training together.

4) I'll be going with a non-shedding breed in the future, thank you very much.

5) I can be displeased with a behavior and still maintain a calm assertive attitude. A great skill for working with toddlers (and people in general, actually). :)

6) I need to share more responsibilities with my husband. (And sharing doesn't mean micro managing the things I 'assign' him to do.)

7) Even I, the animal lovin', pet nurturing queen, have my limits.

8) I need to live in the moment a little more. Forget past grievances, disregard "what if" scenarios...just be...right now...in the moment.

9) I'm definitely a dog person...just not a young family with a dog person. I'm looking forward to bringing home a puppy after dropping my last child off at college or the MTC. Maybe sooner, but for now, that seems like a great time to try this energy sucking experiment out again.

10) Cats are marvelous, practically self maintaining creatures. I've been super grateful for Rufus's low maintenance and easy to live with qualities lately. :)

11) When brushing a dog, remember not to wear fleece pants (or fleece anything for that matter).

12) I like to walk...alot.

13) I am NOT the dog whisperer. :)

Sigh. I'll miss the fun times we had with Ty. The long morning walks, Rudy and Ty being so cute together, rubbing Ty's belly after a fun play session. Even brushing him in that quiet, before bed time. But not the barking. Not the constant stress of trying to balance my energies in all the right places. Not the being on alert 24/7 for training 'opportunities'. Not the hair. Not the poop.

Whew!

Big sigh of relief.

Rudy's in bed.

Ty's in his crate...settled.

The kitchen...can wait 'till tomorrow.

I'm done for the day.

This afternoon actually turned out tons better than this morning. No more table dancing. No more fighting. Rudy took a nice long nap while Ty and I played and gardened and gardened and played. I was able to remember why studies show that owning a pet (especially a dog or cat) can reduce blood pressure and increase your life expectancy. Nothing like a sunny, warm afternoon, throwing the ball around with an animal full of love and energy to help distance your sorrows.

We all had a lovely walk after Rudy woke from his nap. Ty did great on the leash, and Rudy probably walked on his own for almost a mile. We had a blast, and did a lot of laughing and goofing around, which is just what I needed.

I'm still glad the day's almost over though.

The last obstacle: What will Ty do when Jason comes home at 11 pm tonight, after I've gone to bed and 'shut down' the house? Hopefully nothing...but that's doubtful. I'm trying to just prepare myself to be woken by barks and whines...and maybe even have to rise from my blissful bed to let Ty know as clearly as possible that I disagree with what he's doing. I'm still really diggin' Cesar Millan's style. He does alot of energy throwing and teaches alot about how a dog interprets various actions. I'm getting pretty good at puffing myself up and "chhhh"ing Ty. Maybe too good. Both Rudy and Sweet Pea were "chhh"ing all over the place today. And I actually "chhh"ed Rudy on accident today, instead of saying something civilized like, please don't throw that tantrum right at the exact moment I'm trying to get Ty settled into his crate. The "chh" totally worked, though. :)

YIKES!

I'm having a moment. Maybe several moments.

One of those "What have I done?" moments.

And a "Who am I kidding?" moment.

And an "I'm a rotten wife and mother, not to mention dog owner!" moment.

And a little hint of a "Screw the world!" moment.

My confidence is shot. I'm tired. The morning went miserably.

Jason and I fought over just about every breath either of us breathed. Ty jumped onto the table twice. Like all four feet on the table. He cried for me for 15 minutes when I took the kids to the park. Rudy was on the verge of meltdown all morning, no doubt because the vibes in the air were so toxic. Sweet Pea skipped her nap.

I'm stressing out about doing everything right for Ty, and in the meantime forgetting to relish the fact that I have a dog in the house. This is an amazing victory- a dream come true...and I'm too stressed out to enjoy it. I'm worried Ty isn't bonding as he should-that I'm being too demanding with him in setting all the boundaries and rules that I am. I'm worried that Jason will feel emasculated because he can't get Ty to mind as well as I can. I'm fretful, stressed out, irritated, overwhelmed.

I remember having these kind of days when Rudy first came to us. Days when nothing seemed to go right, when every small task seemed daunting...when I worried about if I was feeding, changing, clothing, washing this kid correctly or not. I would lay my finally sleeping child down in his crib (or sometimes I would lay my crying child down in his crib) and just fall on my bed and sob. About nothing. About everything.

That's how I feel right now. Holy cow-seems like most people can bring a dog home without such emotional turmoil. Its fun, its adventurous, its exciting.

I hope all those feelings start making their way into my house sometime soon.

In the mean time, I'll be munching away on the chocolate chip pumpkin cookies I made with Rudy this morning, and trying to remember what a great dog Ty really is.

I mean really-as I'm typing, he's just chillin' in his open crate (where he chose to settle down)-and he's done amazingly well with the kiddos and the cat-and he hardly barks at our neighbors' dogs (there are 6 dogs that share a fence with us)-most of whom don't hesitate to bark themselves hoarse at him. I just have to remember my motto in this whole dog fostering experiment: "Keep Calm and Carry On."

Puppy Love

Titus, a 40 lb, 6 month old lab mix, "moved in" at about 5:00 pm today. We're going to foster him for 6 to 12 months while his family tries to find pet friendly housing.

I've gotta admit, the last 5 hours have come with a strong dose of reality.

All through the week, I've been imagining this day. It played out just like one of Cesar Millan's Dog Whisperer episodes: Titus, a young pup, becomes 'cured' of all poor behaviors by the calm assertive energy which I exude in his direction. He becomes totally calm, totally trusting, and totally behaved with one little "Chhh!" and 'the eye'.

HA!

I had to laugh at myself as I was walking down the street, my body aching from trying to keep Ty in good following structure, while maintaining my "calm assertive" head up, shoulders back posture. How could I have dreamed that I would pick up right where Cesar Millan (who has decades more experience in dog handling-heck who has experience in dog handling at all!) left off?

Don't get me wrong. I haven't given up hope. My fairy tale isn't necessarily destroyed, it's just gone from Disney to Grimm Brothers, that's all. I've always been annoyed at Disney's sugar coated flim flam anyway.

Ty's a great dog, and I'm absolutely positive he has it in him to be an amazing dog. The question is, do I have it in me?

There are two obstacles that I must overcome to get there:

1) The constant nag that I'm wasting my energy putting all this work into a dog I won't even get to enjoy for his lifetime. The thought that I'll just have to do this ALL OVER AGAIN when I finally get to have my own canine companion.

I keep trying to tell myself that those thoughts are ridiculous. That energy spent in improving a life is never wasted, and that the process is what's so great anyway. There's nothing like the feeling of success you get when you and an animal have mastered a skill together.

2) Remembering how to connect animal to animal.

Ok-everyone who really knows me is probably rolling their eyes with a knowing smile creeping across their faces. YES! I AM A NATURE MUFFIN! A GRANOLA GIRL. A TREE HUGGER. If I wasn't LDS I'd probably smoke home grown pot while philosophizing with like minded hippies up in some tree we were camping in to save it from loggers. I'm just that kind of gal.

About a month ago, I was telling a friend how puppy hungry I was. She looked at me and said, "Maria, could you just explain to me what that's like because I really could not even begin to imagine what it would feel like to be puppy hungry!" I stumbled for words to explain how I could be puppy hungry at the same time I was preparing to invite a new little babe of my own into the family. The only thing I could come up with to say then was, "I dunno...it's just different-having kids and having a dog...it's just different."

I've been thinking intermittently about what's different about it since that conversation, and I think I finally came to it while I was preparing to bring Mr. T into our home. I was reading a Ceasar Millan book called, "Be the Pack Leader". In it, he talks about how our relationship with a dog is so much more basic, honest, and simple than most relationships we have with members of our own species. A dog will always pick up on the undertone in your heart, whether you think you're showing it or not. They'll never believe you when you plaster on your fake smile and pretend you're not about to explode at any second. There's something so liberating about that to me. And something so positively challenging. It helps me to learn to look at myself more honestly, and to be ok with what I find.

A dog lives in the moment. He doesn't hold grudges against you because you make mistakes. He isn't repelled from you should you happen to be a bit complicated. He doesn't think badly of you when he sees your most secret parts of your soul. Lucky for me, Jason is all those things for me already (on top of being a most excellent husband, friend, and partner parent).

So why do I still yearn for that connection with a dog? Because, somehow, when I connect with an animal, I feel like I'm connecting with a deeper part of me. I am forced to use nonverbal communication, which is something I have totally atrophied in since my youthful days spent so close to the natural world. When I see I have established an understanding and a trust between myself and a part of nature, I feel blessed, privileged, humbled. It reminds me to slow down. To breathe. To just be. Those are good things to remember, and easy things to forget without a fuzzy friend to remind you. At least that's my experience.

Finding Balance

Ok. I promise this is the last post I'm writing today. Whew! I just have so many things swirling around in my head. Thus the need for this final post.

I have a million things going on right now. Big things- and more around the corner. Mostly, I love it. I find it invigorating and fun to have to be sharp about how I use my time and energy. Then sometimes I have days like today, when I've missed that sharpness and have been unbalanced in my efforts/energy.

Sometimes its hard to figure out how to fit all the pieces of my life together so that they work with and for each other instead of against each other.

Right now I'm trying to 'balance'

mothering a child on the cusp of big developmental milestones (ie. potty training, moving into a 'big kid' bed, moving downstairs into his 'big kid' room),

keeping on top of our brand new and still tender budget,

learning how to garden, deciding what I want to garden, and figuring out how to afford it and find the time and energy to do it,

preparing for a possible pregnancy,

babysitting a 15 month old for increasing amounts of time,

keeping house,

eating whole, healthful, environmentally friendly foods,

staying tuned into my husband,

preparing for a 40 pound, 6 month old pup to come join our family as a 'foster dog' for the next 6 to 12 months,

figuring out how to turn our totally outdated and not up to code downstairs basement into a cozy, safe, new room for Rudy,

and being a reliable, invested ward camp director, even though I know chances are high I won't be able to attend camp. (Prego ladies aren't allowed because of the altitude and remoteness of the site).

Not a one of these things is a 'burden'. I'm excited and happy about all of them. I just need to figure out how to give each the correct proportion of my energy, so I don't end up like I did today-with a rockin' accomplishment in the backyard (cleared my whole main garden area of a 4 inch deep layer of wood chips one shovel full at a time), but no engery left to cook a dinner meal or attack the housework I'd been putting off all day to work outside or care for Rudy and Sweet Pea. Maybe now, after 2 hours of blogging, I'm rested up enough to at least straighten the house. Or maybe the most important thing for me now is sleep. Or researching the garden stuff. Sigh. I'll probably clean the kitchen while continuing to ponder about balance. (Kitchen cleaning is good for pondering, don't you think?)

Why I'm Glad Rudy is Our First

Rudy's a great little nurturer. Today, Sweet Pea had a rocky landing to her nap. She cried for about 20 minutes, and I finally went in to rock her and help her get soothed enough to fall asleep. I told Rudy I needed to go back to Sweet Pea for a few minutes and asked him to remember to be quiet so Sweet Pea could fall asleep.

While I was in rocking her and she was still crying, he came in and checked on us. He asked, "Are you ok with Sweet Pea?" I told him we were fine, and she was just having trouble falling asleep. About 2 minutes later, he popped back in with the soft pillow from the couch to see if that would help Sweet Pea. (He knows she loves it.) I told him thanks, but she already has a soft blanket in her crib to snuggle. Soon after Sweet Pea settled enough to fall asleep by herself in her crib. Rudy's such a sweetie-he's gonna be a great oldest child. :)

Scrounge Proud

There's not much more satisfying to me than making something I need out of stuff I already have . It makes me feel so self sufficient, so able to to care for my family. It boosts my ego, too. :) Anyway, here's my little peacock strut about the things Jason and I have scrounged together lately:

1) A book shelf for the living room, scrounged from the fish stand I had my old ten gallon sitting on, (which we got for free off freecycle back in the day) plus some scrap wood and hardware from previous projects, and the leftover paint from the first time I painted the fish stand. Jason did the wood working, and I did the painting.

Total cost: NADA, baby!

(sorry-no pic for this one. Trust me. It looks just like you'd imagine a mower to look) :)

2) A lawnmower. This one was all Jason (as is the next one). He ressurected the old mower that was sitting in a dusty corner of the patio when we bought the house. I'm so proud. This guy just tinkered and looked at internet guides until he got ol' Bessy sputterin', and then a purrin' like a kitten. (if any mower could be described as purring.)

Total cost: $10 (parts and gas)

3) A cool, quirky clock for our kitchen. Jason took apart Rudy's old clock which had died, fixed the mecanisim, and created a face out of wood scraps and something he'd dug out of an old TV he'd found in our attic and had taken apart just for fun earlier. I think it's way cool-even if I'm not an advanced enough time teller to look at a rectangular face with no numbers and be able to tell the time acurately. That's what my digital wrist watch is for. :)

Total cost: A BIG FAT ZERO!!

4) Curtains for our dining room. I got a queen size yellow flat sheet off freecycle, which I combined with some scrap fabric to make into some curtains with character. Jason wanted to scrounge for the curtain rods too, but by then I was all scrounged out (I BARELY had enough fabric, after creating an intricate cutting and sewing strategy.) So we ended up buying some curtain rods. Actually, I asked my mom to pick them up for me while she was already at the store. I don't know how it is with your parents, but it's hard to get my folks to let me pay for something they've already paid for. I have to really stare 'em in the eye balls and tell 'em I'm all grown up and want to pay my own way. That day I didn't feel like being grown up-just grateful. So I was. :)

Total cost to us: FREE NINETY FREE!

Ta Da! :)

Singing Time

At last. My little man has caught on that singing is a great past time. He spontaneously broke out into Old McDonald the other day as breakfast was winding down. So fun!

On Sunday, one of our congregational hymns was "I Am a Child of God". It's a song we sing together almost every night before Rudy goes to bed. Rudy piped up and sang through all three verses with us. I can't tell you how special it was to me to sing a hymn together with my WHOLE family in church. I don't know. It was just really, really cool. :)

Pink Salad

A great variation on my mom's carrot apple salad.

Combine a pile of shredded raw beets and a pile of shredded apples of about equal size

.

Add lemon juice and sugar/agave to taste. (Yikes, Mommy! We need more agave!)

Done. And how fun when your mouth can get THIS pink from eating your veggies?!

The longer the ingredients have to 'merry' the better. I like to make a giant batch and eat off it through out the week.

Spring Cleaning

We've lived in this house for going on 6 months already. Hard to imagine, huh?

Especially when you consider that I have yet to really organize my kitchen. Sure, little emergency organization moments have sprung up here and there, but I've never settled on something I feel great about.

Probably because I've never really given the kitchen the attention it needs. I mean, really- I spend tons of time in there already doing the daily 'have to be done' stuff like cooking and cleaning. Do I really want to log more kitchen hours at the end of the day organizing?! I guess it must be done, though, because I just don't feel settled when I open a cabinet full of random things from canned food to spices to extra storage containers to fish care supplies.

We've been making baby steps to this moment for months. Jason put up some much needed shelving, we scored a little table off of KSL to give us more 'counter' space, we've hung some decorations. It's beginning to feel more and more homey. Organization is the last frontier!

With all that background information in mind, you'll understand why I was excited to read that one of lady's who's blog I mostly 'lurk' has decided to declare March the "Month of the Kitchen". Hooray! What's more, she provided a link to another blog, (I'm excited to check this blog out in greater depth), which is breaking March down into week long mini projects. Double Hooray! There's nothing like a support group (even if it is an online one) to help turn a long postponed chore into an adventure.

So, in the Month of the Kitchen, this week our project was cleaning and organizing the fridge.

With the weather being so nice this week, I was having a hard time getting myself to stay put for long enough to tackle the fridge and freezer. This morning, on my way to the local nursery, I took this picture:

After getting Rudy down for his nap, I was so tempted to get out there in my garden and start preparing my soil for all the delightful seeds I'd come home with. Tempted, that is, until I looked outside and saw this:

Ah, March. Warm and sunny in the morning, snowing heavily in the afternoon. Today, the weather worked well for me, because it kept me from digging in my yard when I really needed to be digging old crusty food out of my freezer. (I found a spinach block that was best by March 2008 in there.)

Thanks to Mother Nature's prodding, I completed the first task in my kitchen organizing goals. Here's the before and after pictures:

I decided to wear my new gardening gloves to clear the freezer. I thought it might help me feel better about doing housework instead of yard work. That, and my hands are pretty wimpy when it comes to cold-they take forever to warm up again if they get chilled!

Before

After!

Before...

After!

Before...

After!

Before...

After!

Hooray! Now I can work outside tomorrow! Except for the whole snow thing...maybe I'll work on finally getting some window coverings sewn for our dining room. Sigh. Hurry up Spring!