The Space Between

I don't know if I'll publish this entry or not, but I just HAVE to write it. I can't NOT write about something I'm thinking about every 45 seconds.

I'm in that space between my fertile time of the month and my next cycle. Most of the time, this space is simply cherished non-bloated, cramp free bliss.

But this is not most of the time.

This is one of those times when minutes, hours, and days creep by so so slowly because I'm waiting for my body to tell me whether it has accepted my suggestion that we (as in my body and I) should nurture a child into life.

It's one of those times when my body and I can sometimes disagree. Mild disappointment comes when I discover my body has decided this was not the month to be fertilized.

But now I fear more than mild disappointment. I fear knowledge, so freshly found, that my body can go back on it's decision to go along with my plans at any moment in the pregnancy; that two pink lines don't necessarily mean that a baby comes nine months later.

This is the first month that Jason and I have decided to invite pregnancy back into our lives. We'll know within a week whether it has accepted the offer. I'm full of so many emotions that if I were a movie I'd be one of those that you leave feeling exhausted, because you've been jerked around the emotional map all two and half hours.

Part of me thinks I'll be relieved if I'm not pregnant. It means I have at least one more month before I have to face nine months of touch and go possibilities for great joy or deep sorrow. One more month before I'm so completely vulnerable to biology again.

The prospect of perhaps being pregnant has dredged up so many emotions from my miscarriage. Somehow, if I'm pregnant, it means that my miscarriage is all the more real. That I have to say goodbye all over again. That I'm moving on.

I do want to move on, it's just painful, somehow.

I'm excited at the thought of cuddling a new baby, going through all those new to the world experiences with him or her. I'm excited to teach Rudy what it means to be a sibling, and to watch (and coach) as my children build their relationship into cherished friendship. I'm excited to meet a new little soul who will nestle himself or herself into my heart forever.

But I'm not giddy this time.

I miss giddy.

I read a book the other day. A picture book I found at the library while browsing with Rudy. (Can I just say the library is a seemingly limitless source of discovery? I LOVE the library. It's probably my favorite government institution ever.) The book is called Micheal Rosen's Sad Book. It's about the author (Micheal Rosen) and how he deals with the intense sorrow that losing his son brought into his life. Kind of a heavy topic for a children's book, huh? But he wrote it so beautifully, so thoughtfully, so simply, that even Rudy could identify with some of what he was saying.

My heart seemed to sync up with Mr. Rosen's and beat right along side his for the 30 or so pages of the book. There is something so sweet, so refreshing, about looking right at sorrow and acknowledging it's presence. I highly recommend the book, and the exercise.

I guess I can see this vulnerability as an opportunity to solidify my trust in God. I can focus on turning my will to God's and trusting that He will continue to cradle me as his always has, through cloud and sunshine.

But somehow, right now, I just don't want to be vulnerable. I want to see my whole life unfolding in perfect, sunny conditions. I want to be able to check in with God, not cling to Him for comfort. Maybe that's what I need to work on in the next little bit.

I know this journey towards getting pregnant, progressing through pregnancy, and birthing a healthy child can be filled with either anxiety and fear, or with quiet faith in God. I want the latter, I do...I just have to find my way to it.

The Latest Tank Update

Jason teases me because I can't seem to be content with setting up a tank and letting it be. I'm constantly rearranging, day dreaming, tweaking. Well, here's the latest tweak:

I got sick of feeding 3 phantom cory catfish. They never came out because Rufus was totally stalking them. I swear he had some sort of sixth sense and came busting out from around the corner, ready to bat at the glass the minute one of those guys scurried out to grab a bite to eat. Ridiculous.

Bruce (the Betta) is full enough of himself that he just flounces his precious little fins in front of Rufus, as if to say, "Hey Doofus- I mean Rufus- when you gonna figure out there's GLASS between us?"

Anyway, an incurable case of brown algae on top of the phantom fish issue sealed the deal on losing the 10 gallon tank. It just got too much natural light where it was, but there was really no other viable option for location. So I tore down the tank, brought my corys back to the pet store, and housed Bruce back into his 2.5 gallon condo. He's happy as a clam-I think he may even enjoy not having to work so hard to get to the top of the tank to eat (he's a bit lazy).

The pet store will usually buy back fish at a discounted price, but this time they had so many corys they told me they would just take them from me as a favor. As much as I appreciated having them off my hands, I felt a bit lame giving them 3 perfectly healthy and beautiful fish for nothing, knowing they'd turn around and sell them at $4 a pop. So I instigated a trade.

I made sure to have some good quality tank talk with the fish dude on duty that afternoon before I asked if he'd at least trade me an African dwarf frog for the trio I'd brought in. Deal! Awesome. I've been wanting to try an aquatic frog in my Betta tank, and now here's my chance to do it for free! (sorta)

Bruce and Wally are getting along swimmingly, and I'm again happy with the tank (for now) ;)

Rudy's Quest for Diaper Freedom

As in, the freedom to wear the same diaper all day, everyday. NOT freedom from diapers, unfortunately.

Off and on, this kid decides he's not to have his bum messed with-ever. He can get pretty assertive about it. Sigh. It's pretty annoying, if you ask me. We've tried all sorts of approaches to try to resolve the situation, but almost inevitably, it ends up being a muscle our way through it ordeal.

Rudy, for his part, has tried all sorts of ways to help us understand we have no business changing him. Most of his efforts are just plain obnoxious, but this evening, he came up with a pretty hilarious solution: to get 'stuck'.

Thank goodness for that burst of humor to get us through the next few kicking, screaming and hissing diaper changing episodes!

And it begins...

Rudy has officially merged from baby to boy; he disassembled his first toy today.

I always thought the difference between boys and girls was SO nurture vs. nature. I thought we all train our boys to have certain interests and our girls to have others. I must admit, I have conveniently forgot to remind Rudy that he was dead set on painting his nails after his bath (when I totally would have reminded a daughter). For the most part, though, I've tried to stay pretty neutral about Rudy's interests, so that he feels free to express them and act upon them as he sees fit.

Since he was strong enough to move his head, he's been turning it toward cars. He's been interested in wheels, gears, screws, tools, and all things mechanic. He can mimic with relative accuracy the different engine sounds a motorcycle, truck, car, or airplane make. His first few words were car, go, and wheel.

So it doesn't surprise me that his first adventure in figuring out how things work was played out upon his favorite toy car. Intensely concentrating, he meticulously picked the thing apart, and inspected each piece, as if to further understand it's function.

I walked into the room to find the project underway, and so unfortunately, didn't have the chance to warn Rudy that sometimes when we take things apart, they just don't go back together. He was so interested in the disassembled toy, however, that it didn't seem to bother him that the pieces wouldn't permanently stick back together.

We'll see how he feels about it in the morning.

Trying to be inconspicuous

I walk into the room, and see Rudy with that 'look' on his face.

I non-chalantly ask,"How's it goin'?"

Rudy replies, "NO..."

"I'm not pooping."

Sigh. He's about as good a liar as I am.

I guess I'd better go clean up my 'non-pooping' son. :)

Toys

I've been reading and thinking a bunch about the toys I provide for Rudy to play with. More and more, I'm excited about open ended toys. Things that can be ANYTHING, you know? Like sticks, wooden blocks, rocks, pine cones. Maybe I'm sounding a bit, well...granola to you.

When I started talking to Jason about how I'd like to provide more 'natural' toys for Rudy, he was pretty hesitant, thinking maybe I was going overboard on my ambitions to be 'one with the earth'.

Let me explain. I'm not saying I'm gonna pack up all his cool dump trucks, Little People, and hot wheels. I'm just saying that I'd like them to be more of a garnish to his playthings, instead of the main course.

I don't think I even need to do much differently because kids naturally invent ways to play with every day things. I just need to give him the space and freedom to explore the ways he can interact with his world, without too much direction from me. (As in, "Let's go play outside-what would you like to do? Instead of, "Let's go draw spiders with sidewalk chalk!" )

I'm experimenting a bit, and it's been fun to watch the adventures he creates for himself. I just can't get over how cool kids are-the more I can absorb from my little man- the better a person (and the happier) I'll be.

Playing with Kapla blocks at Tante MaryBeth's house. It's just box full of same size blocks, but you can do so much with them! They're totally entertaining for toddlers AND grown ups. :)

Playing 'house' with Sweat Pea.

Having a ride in the wheel barrow.

Exploring other ways to play with the wheel barrow.

This wooden spool brings back so many memories for me. We had one in our backyard when I was about Rudy's age. It turned into just about anything you could think of. An ice cream machine, a boost up to the lowest branches of our tree, a dining table, even a grand fish hotel. (I had a phase when I created dozens of little fish made from barely filled water balloons, and set up extravagant accommodations for them.) :)

Daddy Time

Jason and I were talking the other day about how few pictures and stories we have of him on the blog. So here's our attempt to begin evening things out a bit. :)

Jason and Rudy have a special game they love to play together. It's especially cool in the back yard, though indoors will do in a pinch.

The game:

"They're coming!!! Run! Run! Run!"

"They" could be monsters, trolls, sharks, alligators...whatever sounds particularly cool to either of them at the moment.
The rules: Run like mad if one or the other says "they" are coming. Keep running until one or the other establishes a 'safe' spot by proclaiming "We made it!" Repeat the process for as long as you wish. If you want to spice things up a bit, you could add a moment or two of 'hiding' in between the running and making it.

Simple games are always the best, huh?

Wisdom Greater Than Mine

So. Last week Jason discovered that because of a glitch in the student loan he'd applied for, he'd been dropped from all his classes. All the work, all the time he's put into them is bound to be repeated in a new semester, and the graduation light at the end of the tunnel has managed to disappear around a corner yet again.

Surprisingly, I'm not freaking out about it. Jason was, at first, but seems to have come to peace about the situation.

Jason's still working with an academic counselor to work out his mangled graduation plans, and we haven't decided quite yet what we're going to do with the remainder of this semester. For now, I'm loving having Jason home when he's not at work. So is Rudy. We get to share more than weekend moments with each other, and that's so refreshing after the intense schedule he's been keeping.

The beautiful thing about this situation is the testimony of God's love that has filled my heart as a result. My morning study on the day that Jason came home with his 'awful' news absolutely prepared me to accept this news with faith. I love how God showers blessings on us if we just allow Him to by following His counsel and direction.

I know that God loves us. I know He is aware of every complicated aspect of our situation. He knows more than me, and today I can trust that. I can trust that He will cradle me and my little family in His omnipotent arms and will guide us to green pastures, if we will but follow in faith.

Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but that knowledge is enough to bless me with security, hope, and excitement for what lies ahead.

Happy Chinese New Year!

For Christmas, Oma Pat gave Rudy a subscription to the children's magazine, Ladybug. We have loved reading it each month. There's always something fun and interesting to learn in it.

This month, we learned about Chinese New Year. Since it's the year of the Tiger (one of Rudy's favorite animals), I decided it would be fun to celebrate.

Lucky for me, I had just started sitting Sweet Pea, whose mom has stayed in touch with her Chinese heritage. Between the library, the internet, and Sweet Pea's mom, I got a clue about the holiday, and really started getting into the spirit of it.

This year, Chinese New Year happens to fall on Valentine's Day, so we had competing holidays. Since Valentine's Day is a one day event, as opposed to the 15 day festival that comes with Chinese New Year, I decided to focus on Valentine's Day until it had passed, and then make a big deal about the last festival in the Chinese New Year celebrations: the Lantern Festival. It is held on the first full moon of the new (lunar) year, which will be February 28th this year. We'll see how things pan out for that celebration.

Yesterday, we did a little early celebration by opening the hongbao (those little red envelopes) that Sweet Pea's parents gave Rudy, talking about good fortune and happy thoughts for the new year, and making some hand print tigers. So fun!

Rudy had no trouble figuring out what to do with these as soon as I showed him there was chocolate inside. :)

Our little family of tigers. The Daddy tiger is missing 'cause Jason wasn't home when we did the finger painting. Too bad.

Rudy growling to scare any ill spirits away from our new year.

When The Moon Hits Your Eye Like A Big Pizza Pie...

THAT'S AMORE!

Jason and I went to Pizza Pie Cafe for our Valentine's date. We stuffed ourselves with super delicious-though very high calorie- food, did some fun romantic themed mad libs, and daydreamed about our backyard. (In our dream backyard, we'll have at least one hammock, a sand box, beautiful flowers everywhere, and tasty fruits and veggies ripening in the sun. Nice, huh? We'll see how much of that we manage on a student budget. :)

Pizza Pie Cafe was so AWESOME. And with a buy one buffet (at $6.50) get one free coupon-very affordable too. They had tons of selection for pasta, salad, and pizza. The most original pizza flavor: "Spudilicious" -yes-with thinly sliced potatoes on it. Surprisingly good. Our favorite flavor: Buffalo chicken pizza dipped in ranch sauce. YUM! If you're in the area, we highly recommend a visit-coupons have been in the val-pak mailers the last few times.

On the way to dinner, Jason and I were both expressing thanks to each other for not getting caught up in the hype Valentine's Profiteers would like us to. Commercials get just ridiculous around this time-some defining 'lesser' gifts of chocolate or flowers as total flops compared to the all envied DIAMONDS.

Sheesh. Valentines is always a bit redundant for us anyway, since we celebrate our anniversary only a couple months before. Anyway, we usually let Valentines pass with a trip out to eat and a few handmade valentines and call it good. It keeps it fun, low on the stress factor, and manageable.

I think Valentine's Day is really a much better suited holiday for children. We can focus on expressing love and appreciation to our friends, family, neighbors, postal workers, and what not.

This year, Rudy's old enough to really have a good conversation with, and he has really caught on to the idea of Valentine's Day. It was so fun making cards with him, because he was able to really participate in a significant way. I suggested we make some handprints. He chose the color. (Red-how convenient.) After they'd dried, we talked about what we could do with them.

Looking through our craft stash, Rudy found some googily eyes. "Let's put googily eyes on 'em!" he proclaimed. Ok. What kind of animal do you want to make? I listed a bunch of four legged animals with tails we could turn the hand into. "An Octopus!!" Ok. How are we going to make an octopus into a valentine's card? How about a squid-would that be ok? That way we could say "You're Great-No Squiddin!" Yeah! Say's Rudy. We get started making our squids-one glue stick falling victim to Rudy's "I wonder what will happen if..." symdrome he's developed lately.

A last minute edit by Rudy to change the "You're Great to I love you" (It is a valentine, after all) and we're set.

How fun to actually be able to collaborate with this little guy! I can't believe only 2 years ago we were agonizingly trying to figure out nursing!

The Secret

The secret to cutting Rudy's hair?

Popcorn

Water

The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody

"Magic" Cape

Done. :)

Rudy's First Sewing Project

Yesterday was a sewing day. We (I) sewed a hat for me, a hat for Rudy, 6 bean bags and a new, larger, apron for Rudy.

The bean bags were Rudy's idea, sorta. He was getting his first lesson on the sewing machine-learning the names of the parts and how to work the foot lever. Then I showed him how the machine can make zig zag lines and straight lines. He directed me to turn as we sewed across some scraps from our hat project. In the end, we had sewn something that looked a lot like a bean bag to me, so we cut it out and filled it with some black eyed peas I've had in my pantry FOREVER. Then we made five more just like it with the rest of our hat scraps. Fun times. :)

I can't believe it's only been six months since I made him this apron! He's growing SO FAST!!!

Rudy requested one 'spike' on his hat. This is what he got.

I decided on some floppy piggies for mine. :)

Rudy's first ever sewing project!

This is what happens when you invite a two year old to join in a craft with you... :)

My Little Helper

Well...I found someone in the family who LOVES to clean the bathroom. I should have known he'd take to cleaning the bathroom as well has he has to all the other household chores. Oh to be two again--to have almost everything I do be a novel experience!

Actually...thinking about it, that's probably a pretty stressful life. No wonder these guys are notorious for meltdowns!

For any of you germ phobes out there, that scrubber is practically new. Not quite (I did just scrub the toilet with it) but almost. It's still gross to touch, I guess, but I wasn't about to get in the way of my little man's intense concentration on learning everything there is to know about scrubbing a toilet-including how the scrubber feels. :)

Now, if I can somehow preserve his gusto for bathroom cleaning until he's old enough to actually clean the bathroom, instead of scrubbing pre-sterilized surfaces, I'll really be in business! :)

The Beginnings of a Garden

I feel SO contended right now.

This afternoon, while Rudy took a mongo 3 hour nap, I putzed around in the backyard, preparing my land to produce a lovely garden this growing season.

I mostly worked on reviving the long dormant garden plot that had already been painstakingly arranged to catch the most light, and still look beautiful. I LOVE my yard!! I send thank you's to heaven (where the late owner surely is) most every time I work in the yard. I can tell how much he's put into this land over the years. The fact that instead of just letting his garden plot go to weeds, he carefully covered it with landscaper's tarp and wood chips shows his devotion to his land.

So now, probably at least decade since this land has been actively used, I can come along and enjoy a beautiful start to a garden on soil that is rich, dark, and weed free. As I pulled back the tarp to reveal the soil beneath, I was greeted with all sorts of worm tunnels, a few scurrying spiders, and the most delicious smell of just warmed, still moist spring(ish) soil. Sigh. Sometimes, I just LOVE my life.

To top it all off, my stake is doing a free 6 week gardening course, taught by someone who could totally be teaching in a college setting (seriously-he has his doctorate and everything!) I went to the first class last night and was mesmerized for the full two hours as he talked all about fertilizing, soil content and PH, and touched on watering. I'm pumped to finish this course and get started on my first real experience in caring for a plot of land all my own. Well, I guess I could share with Jason, but I think he'd be just as happy if I did all the work and he just came out to play. We make a great pair-I love outdoor work, he prefers indoor work or putzing around doing home improvement projects. If only one of us LOVED to clean the bathroom...

Remembering

I ignored my "no surfing" rule this morning. It was miserable. By 10 am, Rudy was a messy heap of whines, and I was totally stressed out about all the things I ought to be doing, according the new food storage blog I'd been reading. Bleh.

Time for some fresh air. After much persuading, we set out for an adventure. (Rudy was to the point that anything which was not his idea was met with a robust "NO".)

We made it to the park, and settled ourselves into our usual swings. Can I just put in a plug for swings? Sigh. They are heavenly. I LOVE to swing with Rudy. We sing swinging songs, chant swinging rhymes, giggle at each other as we pass...not to mention that delicious feeling of adventure I get when I'm swinging just a bit too high: the chains go limp for a moment at the top of my ascension before I 'fall' back into them and swoop down to earth. You can't help but feel better about life after a good swing. Especially on a day like today-with a bright blue sky speckled with friendly white clouds for the background.

Just for good measure, (and because our noses were a bit numb) we stopped at the library for a bit before heading home for a 'redo' on the day.

Then I remembered how important it is to me and to Rudy that I do not get sucked into some website forever while the beauty of my real life passes me by. We had a lovely afternoon together, doing what I think may be my third favorite thing to do with Rudy (swinging being number one, reading being number two): working in the kitchen. I love to work alongside Rudy. He's really becoming quite the little chef. Rudy does great cracking the eggs for me (with the occasional egg shell fishing trip), washing dishes (so long as I've scrubbed them) measuring out ingredients (with plenty of supervision), sweeping...just about everything besides actually cooking on a hot stove or cutting things with a sharp blade. He actually even peeled a carrot with me today.

Working with Rudy helps me remember to take joy in my tasks. Actually, he helps me to change my tasks into my initiatives. They no longer have value just as a means to an end, but have value of their own. Rudy reminds me find deep pleasure in simple accomplishments. It's a blast to high five each other when we finish with the dishes, or Rudy gets an egg cracked particularly gracefully.

Why do I ever fight this joyful life, thinking I can fabricate it from some especially cool post somewhere?