Thanksgiving

This year's Thanksgiving was a bit of a tender one for me. The sting of my miscarriage still throbs in my heart but it is beginning to throb in a more positive way.

It reminds me to cherish every joy I am blessed with. Not to take anything for granted. It makes me hold Rudy that much tighter when he comes to give me hugs. It reminds me how important family and friends are.

I'm grateful this year for life. For good weather that lets me get out to the park and run around like a wild woman. For an almost two year old who comes along with me so I don't feel so out of place on the playground. :) For that sweet sinking feeling I get right before I fall asleep. For the warmth of a kind hug. For library books to feed my constant thirst for knowledge. For literacy. For health. For a purring cat who knows that tears are his cue to hop up on my lap and stay there till the sadness abates. For a sister who finds time in the middle of her own paper writing crisis to come do my dishes for me. For a husband who is brave enough to get up and go to work and school even when his heart aches, and who is also brave enough to share his aching heart with me. For snuggles that let me know we're in this together. For prayer. For revelation. For peace. I'm grateful for freshly organized bookshelves, for a sparkling kitchen floor (even if it only sparkles for a few minutes), for hot showers, for our washing machine and dryer.

I hope this time next year I'll be feeling more constant happiness, but this year has been a beautiful reminder to me to cherish the happy moments, to notice them, and to nurture them.

Flu Fighter?

I would say I finally got myself motivated enough to seek out and obtain flu vaccines for my family.

Jason would say the propaganda's finally gotten to me.

Maybe it has. I have to admit, I was feeling this vague sense of patriotism as I took my place in the vaccination line. Patriotism? For getting a flu shot?

Yep. It must be all those posters out there saying stuff like "let's pull together and beat this thing". Like we're fighting a foe instead of a flu.

Well, anyway, it's done (except for Rudy's one month boosters). And that gives me a sense of accomplishment at least. Our insurance covers the vaccines at %100, so I was feeling pretty lame for not bringing my kid in for this supposed life saving serum. Who knows, maybe it is really as important as the Health Department is presenting it.

The whole process was really pretty easy. I had to pick up 'tickets' for the H1N1 vaccine on Monday for a Tuesday 'appointment' time. While we were there, Rudy and I got our seasonal flu shot. The line was barely noticable-about what you'd deal with at a grocery store (unless, of course, you chose to shop at Wal-Mart on a Saturday-a mistake I've only made once.)

The next day, all three of us showed up for our H1N1 shots. Maybe we kinda bent the rules about the priority groups-but Jason does work in a "health care" setting-mental health that is. And my body just barely figured out it wasn't pregnant...I think my immune system is probably still compromised by the whole thing. Anyway, we decided to all get vaccinated to lower the risks for Rudy since he gets croup every time he catches any flu virus.

So we showed up today, waited in another painless line, and then entered quite the intimidating room. Imagine a large conference room with about 10 nurses' stations set up near the back of it. You get shuffled to one of the lines and wait as you watch screaming children being ushered or carried out of the room by their parents. Your ears are constantly greeted with screams afresh, as each child gets poked in turn. It was kinda like that feeling you get while you're slowly creeping up the first giant hill at the beginning of a roller coaster you're not quite sure whether you can hack or not.

I'm not a squeamish person at all when it comes to getting shots, but I've gotta admit, I had butterflies in my stomach by the time it was my turn. All that anxiety just rubbed right off on me, I guess. Poor Rudy started crying right when Jason got poked, even though Jason did his best to reassure him that he was totally fine, and kept crying through my turn, his turn, and the whole trip out to the candy machine. Once he got to trade his prize quarter in for some skittles,though, the world was again as it should be.

Anyway, propaganda or not, my immune system will be busy setting up adequate 'defenses' against the dreaded flu in the next few days. I have joined the ranks of (enter cheesy theme music) "FLU FIGHTERS"!

Where's the Camera When You Need It?

Picture this:

cat stretched out on a sunny spot on the couch.

little boy gingerly climbing up to join cat without spooking him.

cat and little boy stretched out together, snuggled skin to fur, enjoying a moment of stillness in that post nap time of the afternoon, when sleep seems to still be trailing behind you, calling for your return.

sigh. lovely. absolutely lovely.

Thanks, Jason, for 'giving in' and letting us bring a furry friend into the family.

Welcome Home, Rufus!

So. We were going to get a Christmas cat this year, but after my miscarriage, I thought it might be nice to shorten our time frame a bit, to give me something other than my sadness to think about, plus have someone around for those times between when Rudy goes to bed (around 7:30 pm) and when Jason comes home from work (around 11 pm).

Enter Rufus, a 19 month old sweetie off of KSL. He's really chill, and was totally free, along with all his supplies. All we had to buy was a collar and name tag, a bag of litter, and a spray bottle for training purposes. Really, though, he's pretty well trained. He uses his scratching post for scratching, doesn't swat at us (not even Rudy) and has yet to try to get onto the counter. He doesn't even do that annoying whining etc. in the morning when he wants his breakfast.

Anyway, he's been great for the less than 24 hours we've had him, and I'm sure he'll be a wonderful addition to our family for years to come. It's great to have him around to pet and dote on, and it's fun to see Rudy and Rufus figuring each other out. Soon enough, they'll be fast friends, I'm sure.

Miscarriage

That is an ugly word. I wish it would have never had reason to come to this space. But it has come.

Today I stood in a radiology room holding Rudy in one arm and a phone in the other as my doctor explained to me that what the radiologist had found was an inviable pregnancy. Apparently, the egg that started this journey didn't have all the DNA it needed to finish it, so it simply stopped growing.

I called Jason at work while I walked around the little walking path in the grounds of the hospital I was at. I always thought those walking paths were a good idea. Today I was absolutely grateful for them. This way, I could stroller Rudy around and cry without him worrying about Mommy's owies.

Luckily, Jason's work was great and let him come right home to be with me. We took Rudy to the park and absorbed the news, or tried to anyway.

My mom and I were talking the other day about trials, and she said something that really rang true to me. She said that really, at the end of the story, everything will be ok. It's ok for us to have sorrow, disappointment, pain. It's ok and it's important. It's how we grow, how we become better human beings.

I kinda liked where I was at, but I guess it's my turn to grow. I know that the Lord knows me. He knows my heart and my sorrows. I know He can help me to heal, if I let Him. He can help me become the person He knows I can.

Learning to morn

This is Jason.

I don't think I know how to morn. I've been so blessed in my life. I hadn't lost anyone close to me before today.

I didn't know what to feel, or how to feel this late afternoon when I got the call at work from Maria. I'd tried to prepare myself in the couple of hours before, as I anticipated the worst and hoped hopelessly for the best. When she told me the news I wanted to jump out of the situation I was in. I didn't want to be at work, "raising" other people's children. I didn't want to be surrounded by damaged children arguing over mundane and (what in the moment seemed to me like) petty problems. I wanted to be with Maria and Rudy. I wanted to hold them, I wanted to comfort them. I wanted not to have to hold them and comfort them; I wanted everything to be un-wronged somehow. I felt waves of sorrow hitting me like an ocean that I had to suppress so I could do my job long enough to leave and get to my family.

I don't want to morn. I know I'm supposed to morn; the scriptures tell all about how morning is a Christian attribute. But I don't want to learn to morn; I don't want to learn like this. I'm sure there isn't any more effective way; but I still don't want to learn.

I miss a person I never met, and was never going to meet. From the beginning Maria and I have pictured this child as a little girl. I have already, as I'm sure every expecting couple does, pictured this child's life. Seen her born, and pictured her growing up; imagined fond memories and experiences that I now feel I've been robbed of. That makes me angry. I'll never get to hold this little girl on my lap, have her snuggle against me, and fall asleep. That makes me sad. I don't understand why this has happened. That makes me confused.

What good comes of morning?

Only Christ must truly know exactly how this feels. I'm blessed with two sets of parents who have had the full spectrum of parenting experiences and they, I'm sure, can sympathize and be a wonderful support. But they aren't in this experience with Maria and me. Only Heavenly Father and Christ truly can comfort us as we stand in need of so much comfort. Heavenly Father loses untold number of His children daily. If I can find a way to turn my heart and soul more fully towards Him and Christ, I know they can teach me to morn in a way that will help me to be filled with growth and comfort from this experience.

I think now I'm ready to learn to morn.

Halloween

Rudy's first 'real' Halloween. Last year, I don't think he even realized that wearing an elephant costume was anything out of the ordinary. This year, when he put on his spider costume, he transformed into either a scary spider, or a nice spider, depending on his mood. :) It was so fun to see him really excited about the festivities.

We went to Jason's parents' house for pre-trick or treating dinner and then headed out to trick or treat with Jill's family and Mom. It was a blast! Here's some shots from the fun.

The spider and his Web

He caught on pretty quickly about saying trick or treat and getting candy. :) Most of the time he said thank you too, but almost always with a prompt. (There was just so much going on!)

Little Miss Muffet, the Web, and the Spider

Most of Rudy's cousins with Grandma the Witch. He LOVES to get together with them, even if he is the lone man most of the time.

Rudy's Car

Eating at a Drive In

Heading off to his next destination.

Taking the turns slow and steady.

"Pardon me...Do you have any Grey Poupon?"

My sweet little man has LOVED cars since he was about 3 months old. (Maybe before that, but that's when I first noticed him turning his head to see them better.) He constantly asks to 'drive' (ie. sit in the driver's seat and push as many buttons as possible while still moving the steering wheel practically non-stop.)

On Friday morning, Rudy was asking to drive AGAIN, and Jason had the car. I decided to put a couple of those moving boxes we have piled in our garage to good use, and we spent about half an hour building Rudy's dream car. He instructed me as to the decorations and accessories, and helped a bit, when he could tear himself away from the steering wheel (which we put on first, of course).

As soon as the car was complete, Rudy climbed (jumped, more like it) in and 'zoomed off' to see Oma Pat. It was the sweetest thing to have him telling me where he was driving to, though when he told me he was off to find kids, it kinda pulled a heart string. There are kids everywhere in this neighborhood...they just don't come out to play the same way the kids in our old condos do. Maybe because their mommies have more than 800 sq feet to wrangle them in. Whatever the reason, it makes for some pretty lonely trips to the park.

I just need to give myself time to get to know people well enough to call them and invite them to our house, I guess. I hate giving myself time. I wonder if I'll ever come to peace with the fact that life takes time to happen. But that's a topic for another post.

Fall Back...to sleep

Usually, I love this time change. It gives me an extra hour to sleep!

This morning, however, when Rudy did his increasingly usual 5:30 am two minute howl (he wakes up, begs to come out, and then falls back asleep all within two minutes), I couldn't fall back asleep.

I lay there in bed, thinking about how it was really 4:30 am, and how I should really go back to sleep since Rudy would likely be waking in another hour to hour and half, and we have a busy day ahead of us.

Somehow, pregnancy does something to my ability to sleep, though. It's not even like I'm uncomfortable because of my pregnancy yet or anything. I just turn into a really light sleeper, and if I wake up anywhere close to when I usually get up, I can't just sink back into my pillow for some more shut eye. I just lay there and think.

Sometimes I think about our little Ziggy (our unborn's temporary nick name-we were calling her Ziggy the Zygote before she ever came to be...as in, "I wonder if Ziggy has come join us yet?" Or, "I don't know...but I'm feeling kinda Ziggified." She's leaps and bounds beyond a zygote by now, but I think Ziggy will stick until we know her gender and give her a real name. Sometimes I think about Rudy, and how he's adjusting to living in our new home. Or I think about laundry, gardening, pets, plans for the day, the movie I watched the night before, gospel topics, Jason...the list is never ending.

Sigh. So here I am. Awake at 5:20 am, instead of sleeping in. By the time I'm ready to fall back asleep, Rudy will probably be ready to wake up, bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Ah, Motherhood. A grand adventure full of beauty, mystery, and sleepless mornings.