two steps backward

Man, I had a bad day today. Lots of yelling, losing my temper, etc...followed by throwing a book at the wall and then crying. Oops.


It was lovely. I am pretty sure I told my kids to shut up as well. Isn't that nice? And it has happened before...as evidenced by the fact that Annie often tells us all to shut up (only her version sounds like sh*t up). I realize I shouldn't laugh at it, since it just encourages her, but right now it makes me laugh, and we need more of that.

Anyway, the night ended with me apologizing to the entire crew. Instead of what I had planned for dinner, we ate quesadillas....AGAIN. Samantha was mad. The other kids were fine with it.


I hope tomorrow is better. I hope that every night. I am trying to find the joy within my family, instead of always trying to escape them. Bad mothering is easy. Too easy.


Before Samantha went to bed, I was telling her I was sorry about the way I acted today. she said, "it's ok. you don't need to be stressed...Annie is fine. You just need to take care of her. It's not that hard."



I think she is right.

Dallas Arboretum

Our spring break happened two weeks ago...Brian was working, so we tried to entertain ourselves in our new city. Plus, I figured it was a good excuse to try and get used to our new life (Annie, insulin, glucose monitors, eating on a schedule, etc, etc)

So we went to the Dallas Arboretum. It was perfect timing, since the entire place was blooming with tulips and pansies. I was in heaven.

What is it about these little iron statues that make my kids crazy? Whenever one is spotted, all my children MUST climb on them. I think it is weird. ...and yet I feel compelled to take pictures all the same.

There was also a little place with fountains shooting water everywhere. It didn't take long for annie to get pretty wet. She and Landon are very similar that way. Julie, on the other hand, got a finger wet and then decided that was it.

Norah seriously melts my heart. I could look at this picture everyday for the rest of my life. I love it. She is a cutie, but she LOVES to bite...especially my collarbone. Ouch!! She laughs hysterically every time she bites me.

What a stinker.

Just a last thought...we are doing good. I am stuck in a place of not understanding the balance between the faith to heal Annie, and the need for weakness in our lives. I go to bed and can pretend life was like it was before, but then wake up and remember what it is now. I envy people who make cookies on an afternoon, or go out for ice cream on the weekend. (I can still do that stuff, I just have to know exactly how many carbs are in things, measure it all out, yadda yadda). I mourn for our life before...and feel overwhelmed by the looming holidays, which will probably change the most. what do I do for Easter?

I am certain I will never watch Steel Magnolias again. Ever. :)

A Glimpse

just thought I would post a picture of our master bedroom...

...isn't it beautiful? And yes, that is an air mattress AND an unmade bed. Seriously, when things look like that, does making the bed really matter?

I have decided that it does not. :)

More stuff

We got home from the hospital yesterday. Thank you to all for your kind words, emails, calls, etc. I love them all.

We are adjusting to this new life. Annie still hates shots (of course), but something interesting happened today. She wants to do her own testing for her blood sugar (finger prick)...I just have to hold the thing there, and she pushes the button. No crying, just a little, "ow." I makes me smile and feel sad to see how quickly she is adjusting. Frankly, she's so young she'll never know any difference.

The biggest thing I have to do now is a TON of math. Quick calculations in my head of how many carbohydrates she is eating. Seriously, this is NOT my forte. I ain't no dummy, but I also didn't spend lots of time doing mental math. It is comical and humbling at the same time.

She now eats breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner...supposed to be another snack, but she usually goes to bed before I am allowed to give her more food. I have to allow 2 hours at least between each time she eats, and each meal adheres to a certain number of carbs.

These are the things I have learned so far:

1. Heavenly Father knows us and loves us, and is so very mindful of our lives
2. we learn so much of compassion for others through our own trials
3. the Lord uses the people in our lives to feel His love for us
4. we are stronger and can do more than we think we can

That's it.

Julie is feeling bad about the abundance of gifts Annie is receiving, and said, "I want to get diabetes, too!" I am trying to help her get through this. It is hard for us all.

Her reaction reminded me of the little girls in the book Madeleine, when after seeing all the toys and gifts Madeleine received after getting her appendix out, cried, "Boo-hoo! We want our appendix out, too!" Hee hee. :) I love that book.

When it rains, it pours

How funny that a week ago I was so worried about Norah.

Then Annie started peeing and drinking A LOT! I thought something was up, since she started soaking through diapers in just a few hours, and would wake up wet after sleeping at night.

I took her to the doctor on Friday morning. Her blood sugar was high, they sent us to the hospital, and now here I sit with my baby who has diabetes.

I am incredibly overwhelmed. I rotate through feeling completely devastated to feeling determined to feeling grateful and hopeful that we caught this before she got really sick...it is so much information, but the education starts today.

Annie is still awesome.

?

does anyone else struggle with titles of posts? Why must we title everything? I swear, sometimes I just want to remember something, but the lack of a title makes me not post it.



Anyway...



Annie LOVES princess skirts...the bigger and fruffier (that IS a word, by the way), the better. She has three of these skirts, which she insists on wearing everyday. Even when they are dirty, and she is wearing something else, she will find a way to get that skirt on.




The other night, she wanted to wear her princess skirt to bed. I said no. (which makes me think, why did I say no? what is the big deal? I can't remember exactly, but it had most likely been worn that day, and needed to be washed, or something really important like that) When we checked on the kids that night before going to bed ourselves, this is what we found...

Seriously.

Annie is awesome.

Norah

Norah is an awesome, but sick baby. Here's the story so far...

Some time last October, Norah started getting really fussy, which was abnormal for her. We went on with our normal stuff until she had a really high fever on Sunday night. REALLY high. Like 104. (Brian claims it was not that high, but I took it and read it. So I know).

The next day she went to the doctor. I was hoping it was a simple ear infection, but her ears were fine. The next thing the doctor was talking about was meningitis or bladder infection. They both sound terrible to me, but meningitis was far worse.

One catheter later, and the results come back. She definitely has a bladder infection!! YEAH!......wait...

the better of two options, at least.

(As a side note, Brian's job had not started yet, but his fellowship was over, which meant we had only lame catastrophic insurance, that pretty much covers nothing unless we are dying. So all costs are out of pocket. Now you would think when your child's health is in question, you would say, "to hell with what it costs! let's just do ALL the tests!" But it isn't quite like that. We had bills to pay and no money coming in...so we had to make some decisions that are, and still feel totally lame. Such is life)

The doctor talks to me about what is likely causing her infection, and I halfway listen. She is going to be fine. I had a bladder infection before, and they hurt like crazy, but drugs make you better. Anyway, Norah gets antibiotics for 10 days, and starts getting better immediately.

Fast forward 11 days, and she has a high fever and is suddenly crying and screaming. I KNOW what is up this time, and we immediately call the doctor. Another infection. Back on antibiotics. She most likely has vesicoureteral reflux, which is when urine from the bladder backs up into the kidneys.

We need to get a renal sonogram and do a VCUG test (shoot dye up through a catheter and into her bladder to see how severe the reflux is).

$$$$$$....

So we wait. We will get insurance once Brian's job starts, then we can get insurance, then we can get the tests.

Meanwhile, Norah takes a low grade antibiotic everyday. She looks healthy, but her daily dose reminds me that she isn't QUITE healthy.

So now we live in Texas. We have been working on getting insurance since we moved here. We entered all our information, including Norah's brief medical history. We decided to have a really high deductible, since we rarely go to the doctor, to keep our monthly payments low. we got a good estimate, but the final cost was double what they quoted us. DOUBLE!!!

We decided to just pay out of pocket for the tests she needed. Honestly, we both thought her reflux was mild, and getting that diagnosis would help make our case to the insurance company that our premiums should be at the original quoted price (we already appealed once).

Monday morning comes, and we head to the hospital. We had to be there at 7:30 for an 8 am test. Brian dropped the older two off at school, and then brought the little girls to the hospital...Norah and I were there together. the first test was a sonogram of her kidneys. She didn't like it.

Next, the VCUG test. When asked if I would like to stay or go, I promptly left. Brian stayed. I did that trick once, when I thought I should be in the room when Landon got...um... minor surgery as a newborn :).................the unnatural screaming from that baby about broke my heart in two, so I now know my limits.

I left. I knew the test would be favorable, as much as it could be. The severity of this type of reflux is 1-5, 5 being the most severe. After walking the hospital halls with the little girls for a while, Brian came out of the room and said, "it's not good."

I walked in the room, and the radiologist started explaining that her reflux was a 4. WHAT?! Her ureter is dilated when it should be small, and her left kidney is already dilated as well.

Now we need to see a pediatric urologist. Surgery is likely, but there are lots of unknowns. We'll see what happens.