I think...

...a quick update is in order. =P School's officially over, and my finals are coming up in 5 days. Been studying close to non-stop this week or so, and running worst case senarios through my head. I find that the dispassionate calm that comes from accepting the worst takes away a lot of the pressure and expectations I put on myself and believe others put on me. That way, when I don't fail, I can be pleasantly surprised.

I don't know why there's such an onus to prove myself to others academically. It's perhaps even a little pathetic that I measure my worth to the world with an academic yardstick and not much else. Shows, really, the typical (and grossly inaccurate) mindset that good grades and glowing certificates make a person hasn't quite left me. It's even more depressing to realize that I measure others the same way too. I have to get out of this habit. I suspect it has its roots from all those years when I'd mention a new friend to my parents, and what they'd be most interested to know was what position said friend got in class or how said friend was performing academically.

And I'm still doing it! So my mom called the other day to clear up a few details about uni applications and enquire about my general state of being. One of the first few things I said to her was, we had Leavers' Assembly and Rachael got three academic awards. This would have been acceptable if it was just a passing mention, but I knew the thought process behind that statement was - Rachael is my friend. She got three academic awards. This proves she is a good choice of friends. Now that you know, I know you approve.

Gaaah! Scary, isn't it. It's almost second nature; if I don't think hard about it, I wouldn't even notice it. I don't know why I want their approval so much. As if I have this innate fear of being rejected, disliked. I probably do. I'll have to see to that after the exams.

But now, lunch is calling, and then more Chem. Onwards, I say!

So the trials ended today and the weather reverted back to its old chilliness. No kidding. Anyway, after a 7 hour 15 minute exam marathon today, I need more than just a break. I need a new life. One that doesn't involve major Chem paper slip ups. *wibble* My favourite subject too...:'-(

That aside, how's everyone? And when do A-levels start?

I like it how this sunny Sunday afternoon seems to hang suspended in time, lazily peaceful with the whirr of the 3-speed table fan in my room.

It's rather nostalgic.

I'm feeling poetic. So sue me.

For the uninformed, I am in the quagmire of trials, hence the absence of posts. Irony takes its form again in the weather, which has been absolutely beautiful and sunshiny since day 1 of my trials, the kind of beautiful that makes you want to pirouette out in a white frock, sprinkle daisies and sing The Hills are Alive. Unfortunately, last minute study means I'm trapped in my room desperately ploughing through 2 years worth of work. And still the sun mocks me.

So the other day I just had to go out and decided to walk up to K-mart for supplies (which is about an hour away on foot, plenty time to enjoy the weather). Feeling on top of the world, I grabbed my wallet and phone, cheerily signed out with the staff and marched triumphantly out - in the wrong direction.

Knowing me, I didn't realize until 10 minutes into it when I saw McDonalds looming up ahead of me. That's not right, I thought, McDs is on the way to the city and K-Mart is in the opposite direction. At this point I could hear Nature suffocating with laughter, undoubtedly causing 15 flash floods to occur in various locations around the world.

I surrendered, took the next tram that came and sulked all the way up to K-Mart.

PS: Why is it only now, when I can't afford the time, that I find so many uses for it other than study?! Lately, I've been taken by an overpowering desire to read up on Greek mythology, the Victorian era, Bertrand Russell and of course, slash. Mmm slashy clexy goodness. *bonk*