My Lesson in Political Correctness

Yesterday, I was hunted down by the Political Correctness Association (PCA). Apparently, my unwitting use of the word ‘overweight’ in the previous post had touched a nerve with certain members of society who are now seeking compensation for the mental anguish that my post has caused them.

After a long and serious consideration (and a well-timed visit by a gun-toting, cigar-smoking representative of the PCA) I began to see the error of my ways. In an attempt to atone for the Terrible Sins I have committed against my fellow readers through my thoughtlessness, I thought I should leave you with a transcript of my conversation with the PCA rep, as a lesson for us all.

Remember kids, prevention is better than cure.

[transcript]

*doorbell rings*

Me: *eyes stranger warily* Uh. Hi.

PCA Rep: WHAT DO YOU MEAN OVERWEIGHT? HUH?! HUH?! ARE YOU SAYING OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A RIGHT TO DATE?!?!!11!

Me: *wipes flecks of spit from face* Uh. I was merely describing the fictional character Bridget Jones, and after some deliberation, decided to use the adjective ‘overweight’ which was quite appropriate seeing as how the movie producers were trying to sell the same idea by making her insecure and obsessed with losing those extra pounds and even keeping a diary on her fitness progress. Should not the movie producers be accused of trying to sell the idea that overweight = undesirable = the need to lose weight? I was merely a victim of subversive Hollywood propaganda.

PCA Rep: Then why did you use Zellweger? Why couldn’t you just have said Bridget Jones??? ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ZELLWEGER???!

Me: I think Zellweger is gorgeous. But not when movie producers decide Bridget Jones must be pudgy and make Zellweger put on extra pounds just for the shoot. If that was the message I conveyed I certainly didn’t mean it.

PCA Rep: *getting uneasy* You want to fight is it?! You also said “…she gets a girl now on top of that.” What do you mean by this huh? Do you know how offensive it is?? ARE YOU SAYING HOMOSEXUALS DON’T HAVE A RIGHT TO DATE??!

Me: *eyes the bulge of a loaded gun underneath Armani suit tentatively* Uh. No. You’re absolutely right. I am a big supporter of gay rights and have many queer friends. I also fly a rainbow flag every Monday morning to show my support to the homosexual cause. Please forgive my slip of tongue.

PCA Rep: *sniffs arrogantly* I’ll have you know you could be arrested for all this. Look! *imitates in squeaky mocking voice* Oooh look at me I dissolved into a big romantic-comedy-puddle! What are you implying? Are you stereotyping puddles?? ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PUDDLES?!?!

Me: Uhh…

PCA Rep: HA. Just as I thought! And, and, look at this! “I can’t decide which I like better. They’re both meltingly good-looking, British-accented, suave, charming, sweet and smouldering.” Does that mean every other guy who doesn’t fit that description is undesirable??? ARE YOU SAYING THESE MEN DON’T HAVE A RIGHT TO BE LIKED??!

Me: I…uh…

PCA Rep: And what about Season 8 of Friends huh?? And Brad Pitt? Do you have a problem with Brad Pitt??? Or sitcoms?? Why should Brad Pitt stay out of sitcoms??? ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SITCOMS??!?!

Me: …

PCA Rep: I’ll let you off the hook this time. But don’t pull anything funny. I’ll be watching you, ya hear that? I’ll be watching you. *slams door shut and puts a bullet through for good measure*

[/transcript]

And as I watched the PCA rep pull away in his black limo through the still smoking bullet-hole he put through my front door, I vowed in complete and utter penitence never to repeat the same mistake again.

That night, I slept a reformed man.

What now?

The end of exams are so overrated. It's ironic how during the exams you find a hundred and one pressing things other than study to do, and when you're finally free, you wander about restlessly wondering what to do, even considering switching on your laptop to try break your high score in beginner minesweeper which is only a high score because it was the only score.

*pities pathetic state of self*

Truly, for the whole of Thursday, after a fantastic lunch at Gwen's (assam laksa and pulut hitam! Oh...flavours of home!!), brudder and I were caught in exactly that dreary, tiresome limbo.

In the end, I attempted to console myself with the lights of my miserable, piteous existence - Hugh Grant, Colin Firth and Brad Pitt. Can you believe that Zellweger woman?! *murderously* That overweight pout. As if two hot, hot guys weren't enough in the first movie, she gets a girl now on top of all that. Is she THAT desirable? I think not!

So there I was, breaking my heart over Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. *dissolves into big romantic-comedy-puddle* ...I can't decide which one I like better. They're both meltingly good-looking, British-accented, suave, charming, sweet and smouldering. If anyone wants to make me a very happy person on Dec 18, may I suggest giving me a whole collection of movies they've been in, life-size posters and a compilation of the best pictures/photos of them.

See? I'm being realistic. I didn't ask for them in person.

Sadly, there was too little of them and too much of that woman. After the movie, I began looking for stuff to do again, and decided to plunge into Season 8 of Friends (observe how desperate I'm getting at this point). Why season 8? C'mon, all together now - Brad Pitt. Though admittedly, he should stay out of sitcoms and in the movies where he belongs.

It was only 10-ish when I finished some episodes of Friends. I was almost at my wits end already, and if brudder wasn't there to be bored to bits with me, I would have just slithered down my chair, sat under the desk, stare cross-eyed into space and wibble.

I need professional help.